Piglet's Eurovision Blog

Gay disco stompers at Eurovision -part 1

2011-08-01T18:55:00.001+02:00

One of my favourite songs from 2011 was (the shamefully and totally undeserved only 22nd placed) "What about my dreams" by Kati Wolf. It has everything a good gay torch song/disco stomper needs: a strong (female) vocal, lyrics about self-realisation and emancipation, a short ugly dress and a wind machine.
If it weren't for the distracting backing dancers with the lit-up crotch, this might have won the whole thing.

Ok. It wouldn't have won. But a girl can dream, right?

Now if only she'd looked a bit more at the staging of Iceland's 2010 entry "Je ne sais quoi": fantastic discobeat, lyrics, great singing, sparkles and a smidgeon of pink (in the form of Eurobandid's Fridrik Omar) in the backing choir. Again finishing a disappointingly in a 19th place, but -if it's any consolation to Hera Björk and I imagine it is- she's got a big hit in this household.

Speaking of Iceland, this seems as good a time as any to remind you all of the other dose of fabulousness (and yes, that same guy from the backing choir - talk about recycling): Eurobandid's "This is my life". Written by Pall Oskar, another Eurovision legend, and placing 14th in the final, it had me make my own Icelandic flag to wave about during the contest. You'd be amazed how hard it is to find Icelandic flags in Belgium... who'd have thought.
Just look at how thrilled these people are to be there. If I could sing and dance -and most importantly walk in high heels-, that's how happy *I* would look to be on stage at Eurovision.

And I cannot end my first ever "gay disco stompers at Eurovision"-entry without the fantastic, the amazing, the "are they kidding me"-entry from 2004: Deen from Bosnia & Herzegovina.
My little Bosnian prince with the Dolce & Gabanna jeans, whatever happened to you? And what to think of those lyrics "I'm lying, I'm late, I'm losing my weight, because I want to dance all night..." and "kiss me and turn me slow, up and down, here we go". Yeah baby! Look at Deen shaking it for what he's worth and grabbing a 9th place which, granted will have more to do with the balkan votes than with the fabulousness of it al. Yet it re-installed my faith in humanity and its taste for bad disco music at the time (I was blissfully in denial of bloc voting back then). I love you, Deen!

Part 1 of many I should think, seeing as I just realised I haven't even started on Sakis Rouvas, Dana International, Ani Lorak, Charlotte Perelli, the god-fearing Carola and that guy with the cockring from 2005...!

Ken and Barbie win Eurovision. Hurray.

2011-05-15T15:39:00.000+02:00

Well... that was all a bit meh wasn’t it.

Not the show, not at all, pretty impressive you ask me, no, just the result. Though I guess there is a silver lining: By this time next year we’ll finally know where Azerbaijan is. And I personally can’t wait for the interval act they come up with.

But before we get to the ending, we must start at the beginning. A word of warning, if I repeat myself, I’m very sorry. But there’s only so much you can say about songs and performances you see twice in four days time. And it’s not as if anyone but Nick and his husband will notice.
But yes, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
Don’t we all hate it when Eurovision hosts try to be funny? It makes me long for the scary old Russian bloke who just stood there as if he was reading the news. SvenOrAndré says that “Stefan Raab is the most famous German entertainer”. Ha! Wrong! That would be Derrick!
Anyway, a lot of nonsense later (and one funny moment with a bunch of Lena lookalikes, and a total Blitzkrieg of pyro) and finally, finally, we get on with it.

By showing us that the arena is actually a football stadium. Really? At Eurovision!? Our Straight Men perk up and start talking football results... now see what you’ve done. SvenOrAndré explain the jury system saying that “the juries are composed of music experts”. Music experts? What the hell do they know about Eurovision?!

And then, after what seems like an eternity, we can finally, finally get on with things.

Extra points to SvenOrAndré for mentioning Tom Dice when the guy from Finland starts, but what a depressing opener. Excellent toilet break, but alas, we all just went. We really could’ve done without the sultry look in the camera, Finland. Next please! -21st

SvenOrAndré translates the lyrics of Bosnia’s Love in Rewind and there are no words to express how much I love Dino and his bunch of overhappy prozac-loving crazy people. The guy with the triangle looks so proud to be here I just want to hug him and pinch his cheeks. Watch out with the pyro, guys, Dino’s on fire! -6th

“It’s not plagiarism” the guys from Denmark say “but there’s only so many guitar chords you can use so everything kinda sounds alike”. “It’s a wonder there’s more than one song in the world” Straight Man quips. We do the test on Soundhound and it –unfortunately- recognises the song as “New Tomorrow”. SvenOrAndré steals another remark from my blog, I really don’t mind if you do, SvenOrAndré, I just wish you’d comment once in a while. -5th (seriously Europe? What is wrong with you?!)

There really must be a dwarf hiding under that dress... No, that really is all her arse. All of it! Her own! Accentuated by the dress. Who could be so cruel? “I sink to you” she ~~sings~~ sinks to us. Lithuania, you of the fake Chiara Disney ballads, I am not happy you’re in this final. -19th (Ha! Not low enough!))

Hungary of the backing singers with the lit crotch. If you’ve not seen the contest, I swear I am not making this up. The backing singer’s crotches are lit up like a Christmas tree. Because you want to draw attention to that in front of millions of viewers, including probably your parents, grandparents, neighbours and boss. We vaguely remember only one singer’s crotch being lit up in the semi, and now all three of them are shining away happily at us. Either they thought it was such a good idea they should expand it, or they’ve got some horrible STD and they’ve had unprotected sex with each other. Safe sex children! -22nd (Boo, you were fabulous Hungary!)

Thank you Ireland for showing us mere mortals what happens when you overdose on Red Bull. They should put this on the cans as a warning. Depeche Mode! Pet Shop Boys! (just the backdrops mind, not the music). This is funny as hell and extra points for the hot backing singers dressed in hoodies and hotpants. -8th

We’ve seen snippets of Sweden’s performance every three minutes or so on “Out TV’s” pre-Eurovision show. Let’s say the gays are fans, as are the assorted sexualities on this Belgian sofa. We try to stay professional by playing “spot the ugly backing singer” – the ones who have to remain fully clothed and stand on the edge of the stage, so they’re not filmed too often. It doesn’t work, we’re drawn in by the camp of it all. You big slut, Eric, being felt up by all these men in leather. -3rd (Robbed, I tell you, robbed!)

Ah, Estonia is singing in key this time. Nice. But after Sweden, well... What can we say about it? It’s colourful. That’s about it. -24th

I love the way SvenOrAndré says the name “Stereo Mike”. You can tell he says it like he’s smelling something bad. And who can blame him. Stereo Mike –snicker- raps something about “his war against fear” (seriously? At Eurovision? You start about waging a war in Germany?) and I wonder why Loukas didn’t just lock him up in his hotel room so he could do the song on his own. There’s intense gazing at the camera, someone yells “take your shirt off” and quickly adds “Not you, Stereo Mike”. Anyway, despite all this, Greece ends up 7th. Bafflingly.

Russia, you scare us with your dirty wink at the camera. You just stay where you are before we have to barricade the doors and windows! There’s buttlight. And shoelights. And his name spelled out on the backs of his dancers. Oh how I wish they’d switch places just to piss him off. And another wink! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Fuck off! He must have left some extra room in his suitcase to pack his ego -16th (Ha!)

The straight girls go wild over France, one of them proclaims her Swedish vote has now turned into a French one. “He’ll get them wet, he’s popular” indeed. Ooh, a sunset, “or the opening screen for windows” the ever sober Straight Man (the only one not charmed by Amaury’s dazzling looks and voice) goes. Finally some pyro. An actual song at Eurovision is one thing, but one without a wind machine and nearly without pyro? That would have been something else entirely! – 15th (should have been much much higher if you ask me. But at least he beat Russia)

Italy is singing in English. What is this world coming to? First an actual song, then Italy’s back, with something snooze-worthy and then it’s not even in Italian. All this sucking up to Italy over the past year has finally paid off: with a horribly boring song and performance. Thank you very much Italy, and welcome back. Urgh. I suspect the “expert juries” of Europe have been bribed because for some reason this piece of drivel actually comes second. (I’ve said it before when you threw out Dana International, and I’ll say it again Europe: you suck)

Switzerland is still cute despite wearing the (as SvenOrAndré put it in the semi) “dowdy dress reminiscent of the magnificent Maltese singer Chiara”. “This dowdy dress deserves to be taken off” the straight men and lesbians mutter. Anna manages two dancing cameras at once, not something to be mocked. Clearly a girl who knows how to multitask. –last (bafflingly and horribly last... how is this possible? I suspect a plot where the EBU delegations stole points from France and Switzerland to hand over to that boring Italian guy)

The UK’s Blue come up to a stage doused in greens. Very disturbing. For a minute I think I’ve become colourblind. Modestly enough their backdrop consists of four gigantic videos of themselves. Gigantic. Shirtless. I mean, what the hell?? Blue, in case you’re from a different planet (or the US ~~which is basically the same thing~~) are a British boyband on a comeback. Kinda like Take That, but not as good. And this song was actually pretty fantastic, if you’re big on the angsty bombastic balkan communist drama. Only their singing is way off key, their microphones are too low and not even Russia put up gigantic photos of himself (though I think he kicked himself when he saw Blue’s “I should have done that! It looks brilliant!”). Aaargh. Blue, where did it all go wrong?? If it’s any consolation, “That guy from Blue” came first in The Sofa’s “best biceps”-poll. Right before “the second backing singer from Sweden”. At least they won at something -11th.

Ah, it’s the shouty garden gnomes from Moldova. Eat this, Stereo Mike! Now whose idea was it to put christmas cones on their heads? Apart from the Pet Shop Boys then. “I know what will make the whole outfit come together: ta-daaah!”. Extra points for the drummer who’s not even pretending to drum to the rythm. -12th

Germany’s Lena has turned into a sultry little er... woman, I suppose. Gay Eurovison Oblivionist goes “Hang on, is that the same one from last year?” Yes! Good on you for catching on! Verka Serduchka was years ahead of her time judging by the silver outfits the backing dancers are wearing. Either that or they’ve been to Japan and they still need to decontaminate. -10th

No, Romania, no matter how many pseudo attractive looks you throw the camera, you are not hot. Your song is horrible and forgettable. Don’t vote for this Europe, don’t be drawn in by the clap-along moment! -17th

Austria didn’t take part for a couple of years because they were pissed off at the televoting results. They decided to come back just when the contest was being hosted in neighbouring country Germany. What a coincidence. Well if they’re planning on sending us (well sung, yes, I’ll admit that) Disney ballads every single time, they could really have saved us all the bother. The Sofa notices Nadine can’t move in that dress and those heels. We suspect she’s been hoisted on stage with a crane.”There Can be Miracles, I will always love you” we sing along. It all magically fits. -18th.

And here we come to Ken and Barbie: Azerbaijan has been taking part for five (four?) years now and they’re eager as a puppy and ambitious as hell. They want to win. And they shall try using Eurovision By Numbers, as they did tonight, and by god they even succeeded. For some reason or other. Because can I just say? This does nothing for me. Nothing. At all. I wasn’t even this pissed off when Dima Bloody Bilan won. The whole thing is so cheesy, clichéd and contrite: from everyone dressed in white to the pseudo-duet. All it needs is some bloody sign language and we can all hop back to the nineties on our cloud of unicorns, puppies and rainbows. Aaaargh!! It makes me want to tear out my hair and send that Moldovan gnome on the unicycle to knock everyone off stage. It all ends with a golden shower though, so at least we get some fun out of that. –winner.

Thank you Slovenia for sending us the light version of Anastacia and –above all- your attractive backing singers. I really have nothing else to say about this. -13th.

We fill up our glasses and the crisps during Iceland’s song. It’s a nice song, but that’s really all it is: a nice song. We notice we’ve all run out of points to hand out already. Already? And we haven’t even heard Spain yet?! -20th

Not that we’re missing much when it comes to Spain-by-numbers. One happy sunny song – check. One lady singer – check. Sung in Spanish –check. Backing singers who scare the hell out of everyone – check. Waving as a group – check. Wind machine and key change –check. And the Spanish air guitar championship to start it all off with. Only at Eurovision! The whole thing is like a commercial for a travel agent’s “come visit us in lovely Benidorm, for sun, sea and sand”. No thanks, I think we’ll pass. -23rd.

Not a single one of us remembers how Ukraine’s song went, but that sure was a lovely sand drawing. And some impressive poultry on her shoulders. The most entertaining thing about this performance is that apparently something went wrong because it took ages to start. -4th (seriously Europe? Seriously? You’re that easily distracted by shiny sand drawings and pretty things on stage?)

Serbia with the pretty colours and the dresses and blablabla... no-one’s listening anymore. We’ve reached our maximum of Eurovision-madness, we can take no more. Kudos for singing in Serbian though! And in key! And for being pretty. And it’s not a bad song. And we’re all just tired, don’t mind us, do you know what time our son woke us up this morning? It’s a disgrace. Don’t take it personal, Nina. -14th.

“Is that the one with the lettuce stuck to her dress?”. Yes, that’s Georgia! Why they’re in this final, we have no idea, but here they are so we’d better make the most of it. It’s never a good sign when they need the wind machine from right at the beginning though, is it? Nice teeth though. And Stereo Mike is there, in something fluorescent. Go Stereo Mike, the busiest man this Eurovision. And yes! We had to look it up, but there is a fire/desire rhyme! So that’s why they made it to the final after all! I knew it had to be something... -9th.

And then there’s an interval with something disco. And symbolically the Germans tear down a wall (oh yes, they really go there) between the audience and the green room. Unfortunately not by Jeremy Clarkson running into it with a truck, but by sliding open the backdrop of the stage, but alright then. We can’t have it all. The green room incidentally looks like an alien bee hive.
And then come the votes with our personal highlights: Dima Bilan who hasn’t aged well, Ruslana who looks like she’s turned into her grandmother, booing in the audience when neighbours give each other points (especially in the balkan) but not when Germany and Austria do the same, a hilarious moment when Spain gets 12 points from France after having practically none so far, France giving the UK one whole point and well... the horror that is the winner.

Well, I say horror... the Wife let me know (at nights like these it all comes out doesn’t it) that she loves the song and has played it over and over when she’s alone in the car. And yes, the song isn’t that horrible (not good either), but the staging... dear god, it looked like something out of a high school musical production.
And so yes, we wonder what the Azerbaijani interval act is going to be like, and the fact that it’s three hours later there than here and what are they going to do with all The Gays that are going to overrun their nice, traditional country and... they’re back on stage, looking happy as can be. And that girl should really let her hair go back to its original colour because it looks horrid and the guy doesn’t want to share the trophy with her and he kisses it (Don’t!! You don’t know where that’s been! Dima Bilan used to have one just like this!) and SvenOrAndré pointedly say “she’s married and has two kids and we don’t know what his er... status is... whether or not he has an er... a ... partner”. And ah well... what a crappy song, we realise as they sing it again. Or I realise anyway.

The Germans celebrate the win by throwing toilet paper at them. How fitting.

I suppose I’m going to have to post a clip of it, aren’t I? Go on then. So you can see what we have to put up with for another year.

To tide us over till tonight: some gems from last year

2011-05-14T14:09:00.000+02:00

Because you've got to admire the "street" kid who shakes his arse at the camera and the assorted gay men in the audience.

Because flowy dresses and sparkly gloves are so 2010.

Because this is so terrible, it's actually pretty fantastic (and yes, this was stuck in my head during the C-section so it's a wonder my son didn't suffer brain damage)

Because no-one quite does gay anthems like the Icelandics do.

Semi 2: Homoeroticism, thigh-high boots and ... you guessed it, pyro!

2011-05-13T19:07:00.000+02:00

I can’t believe I took time off work to write this Eurovision recap. I must be ~~demented insane stupid idiotic crazy~~ devoted. And then blogger crashed, so I can only upload this in the evening. Argh!
What can I say, we all make sacrifices. Just look at poor Dana International!

Apparently, because this is Eurovision for Dummies, they received thousands of text messages and emails (who knew their phone numbers and e-mailaddresses were so widespread) from people asking them to explain the rules of the song contest. The rules. Of the song contest. Yes. Alright. Don’t we all have SvenOrAndré commentators? Isn’t everyone a Eurovision Queen? Apparently not then. So on they go again with the whole charade complete with pyro (well, they had some lying around so why not use it) and “start voting now!” and yeah... not even SvenOrAndré are listening at this point. If only Short Prozac Lady had worn something red they’d be dressed in the colours of the the German (and Belgian) flag. A missed opportunity if ever there was one!

Yay Dino! My little Bosnian woodnymph! They must spike the tap water with prozac in Bosnia if the group on stage is any indication . And how entertaining for us! “Is anyone’s crotch alight?” the Sofa asks, because we’re used to that now. For a minute we fear they used up all the pyro in the first semi, but thankfully there’s some left for the ending of the song. We get a tweet asking if “they’ve left the caged dancing bear in Sarajevo”. Hush now. This is class. Go Dino!!

Austria brings us a game of “Recognise the melody from this song from every other ballad ever in the history of music and assorted Disney films”. For some reason the singer scares me. Could be the eyebrows. Our hosts come back in the living room after putting their daughter to bed: “Hey, isn’t this stolen from something?”. Probably yes. But the woman can sing. Even if all she sings is a crappy Disney ballad.

Oh, it’s the Netherlands with a true snoozefest of “let’s walk around on stage in no particular order – it’s not like we had six months to prepare something that looks remotely like an act, now is it.” No loitering, Holland! It’s just not done when you have a right-winged government! “This might go through” SvenOrAndré says. I think they handed out leftover bottles of Prozac in the commentary booths...

Not that Belgium is any better. Though for some reason the Sofa is quite happy with it. I think we all expected it to be even worse. A little language riot when the Flemish placard of one of the “Belgian divers: Norbert and Guido” in the postcard is quickly turned over to show a German text. “Once again us poor Flemish are humiliated and discriminated against! Once again the Walloons are mocking us! Well, that one Flemish guy in the group is obviously the better one” the Separatist Sofa goes. (And we are kidding, people! The Flemish flag has no style, so we couldn’t split up even if we wanted to!) I mean, Eurovision should thank us: we’re saving them a lot of money: no tape, no musicians. And what do we get for it? A bus ticket home! Tsk! It’s all politics! (and crappy songs)

Slovakia picked up some porn twins from an alley somewhere. One of them tries to make sultry moves and pouty lips. It’s scary. Their dresses are a size too small, unless their boobs were meant to look that way. But then what do I know about porn fashion. “Unless they undress, this is shit” our Token Straight Men (for there are two) proclaim. Next!

Oh. A commercial break already? And there’s the Ukraine. “Well hel-lo” the Wife goes. I fear for my life, because whenever she starts fancying short-haired short ladies (everything I’m not) I know she’s just one step away from ~~grabbing the scissors~~ going to the hairdressers and getting herself a short haircut. Which looks good on her, but then I want one and then she goes “your head is too big for short hair” and then I think about stereotypical lesbian haircuts and if her hair is short and mine is long does that make her “the man” and me “the woman” and ... oh, right. Not about me. Sorry. About the song. As I was saying, the Wife was going “hel-lo” and that, together with the sand drawing is the only good thing about this song. But apparently it’s enough to get through to the final. “Someone had poultry for lunch” the Wife goes, looking at Ukraine’s dress.
We now notice that not only is SvenOrAndré blatantly stealing from my blog (not that I’m arrogant or anything) he also seems to be listening in on our conversation because a minute after I say “the Ukraine always sends something pretty. Or Verka Serduchka.” SvenOrAndré goes “The Ukraine always send a pretty girl to Eurovision”. Cut it out, SvenOrAndré (or at least mention La Serduchka)!

Moldova brings us the second Pet Shop Boys tribute of this year’s Eurovision (after Turkey’s Chris Lowe patented fake keyboard playing in the first semi) with the Pointy Hats from Can You Forgive her. (Though they looked much better on Messrs Tennant and Lowe.) The Sofa is divided. One half loves the garden gnome idiotic quality of it all, the other half misses the drumming granny and moans that no-one’s wearing feathers and no-one’s crotch is on fire.

We notice relations in the SvenOrAndré household are quite business-like still. Sven is probably worried about being Andrés third in a few years, André might not know how to handle a young excited co-presenter. We hope they work it out.

Because here is Sweden! Babyfaced Not-Gay-But-Sure-Looking-It men are quite the thing in this year’s contest (Only in this year’s?). Eric gets pawed by a lot of men in leather who show us their muscles. Sakis would be so proud. “My body wants you girl”, he sings. No, it doesn’t, you big liar. “Bieber meets muse” we get texted. It’s a homoerotic video disguised as a Eurovision entry. Go Sweden!

Long live the angst in Cyprus. Shame about the singing. And Blatant Sakis Move Alert! All of a sudden Xena Warrior princess starts swinging a big lamp over the audience, for no apparent reason. As I said, shame about the singing. And Sakis did that move better.

Again the Wife goes mad over Bulgaria’s mohawk. “She shouldn’t have worn white if she wanted to be a metalchick” someone remarks. But white is customary for Eurovision. It’d be like going to a royal wedding without a hat, some things are just not done. What a dilemma. The Germans lose a capital to the pyro in this song. We fear it might be a terrorist attack, but nope, it’s just the staging.

And another commercial break where, yes, we’ll admit it, we mention Ze War, and how all our grannies hated the Germans, but loved Derrick.
It’s just one of those things.

FYR Macedonia brings us gay ballet. Well, gayer ballet. Shame about the singing, the song was pretty brilliant until he opened his mouth. Not even the gay midget playing the accordion saves it.

Oooh Dana! Dana! Dana! André promises us that her dress couldn’t cover up her boobs in the rehearsals, but alas… no such luck. Can I say how gutted, shocked and appalled I am that La Diva from Israel didn’t make it through to the final? Can I say how disappointed I am in you, Europe for allowing this to happen?! You suck, Europe! It’s just not on! She’s Eurovision Royalty! She’s the Diva! Or did the poor Eurovision voters think Dana was one of those other women who performed on Tuesday? But Dana looks a lot more like a woman than they do! Aargh. I don’t get it. All she had to do was walk down the catwalk and the crowd in the arena went into a frenzy. Yes, the song wasn’t all that, but that never stopped us before. I’m shocked. We love you, Dana, don’t worry! (Oh, I do not want to be a member of that Israeli delegation right now...)

The Wife doesn’t even notice that Slovenia is wearing leather boots up to her thighs. For some reason she’s too busy staring at the backing singers. All of us are. No-one is listening to the song. We’ll get a second chance I suppose.

The guy from Romania probably thinks he’s hot. You can tell by the way he looks into the camera. Newsflash honey: you’re not. Oh, and it’s the return of the 80s pianist. So glad to see you’re back. “Lose the jackets!” the Straight Male and Lesbian part of The Sofa chant “Lose the jackets”. Not that we’re superficial or anything. Alas, the ladies in the background keep their jackets on. Perhaps in the final?

We go back to the green room. “We want commercials instead” The Sofa goes.

We didn’t know Rachel from Glee would be performing for Estonia. Thankfully the kids are already tucked up in bed, because this “one two seven three” counting is just not on. They must never have watched Count Dracula when they were a kid. Someone is singing off key, but we’re not sure it’s the lead singer. I expect hair to be pulled and drama queen scenes backstage! But hey, off key singing is not a reason not to make it to the final when you’re from Estonia. So there is that.

Yes, we know you love Belarus, but apparently the rest of Europe isn’t too keen on the place. SvenOrAndré surprisingly doesn’t mention that “Belarus is the last dictatorship of Europe” though we expect the poor lady to get sent to a detention camp when she gets back home. Or they’ll just blame us heathens, that’s also possible. Listen, when you sing something patriotic we expect pyro, flag waving and perhaps some military staging. Not this. Three minutes just keeps lasting longer and longer....

The Sofa is up in arms about Latvia’s “Luscious Thighs” and Stereo Mike makes another appearance, pretending to be a nerd. When I was writing this down I first wrote “pretends to be a rapper”, which made me smile. Ha. Oh how I amuse me! In a surprising turn of events, judging by the dirty grin on the singer’s face, he even knows what “luscious thighs” are. Dirty guy!

After Rachel for Estonia, Denmark hired Puck from Glee, who hides a bird’s nest in his hair. “ooooh someone’s got a balloon!” (yeah, we’re used to dealing with babies these days). The sofa’s divided about the singer’s bare back. Hot or not, or just run out of fabric? We’ve got Saturday to watch it again.

Kraftwerk! Pet Shop Boys-background! It’s Ireland. My my, who’d have thought they wouldn’t be able to sing live? “Why are their microphones turned down so much, we can only hear the beat?” Why oh why…. Someone hand these guys their Ritalin, please almighty. I certainly wouldn’t want them in my house, but on the Eurovision stage... well it’s all pretty fabulous isn’t it. “how can they not know how ridicilous they are?” “they’re blond” “Are they even really blond?” We’re not really listening, but yay Jedward. When the pyro goes off you can just see them think “Pyro?! Does that mean we won?!”. Not yet you didn’t. And let’s hope you don’t.

“Ooh is this also taking part? It’s the best we’ve seen so far” Sweetie, that’s the interval act.

The Sofa proves they have no taste because when we pool our votes this is the top three:
3. Bosnia (only third??)
2. Ireland (“Well at least Ireland is taking the contest seriously”)
1...... Sweden.
Yes. We’re superficial.
Israel came fourth in our poll, in case you were wondering.

But not in Europe’s.
Poor Dana.

But on we go to Saturday’s final. With a lot of good songs, a lot of crappy songs, a lot of ugly women, plenty of pyro, wind machines and key changes, possibly some more Pet Shop Boys tributes (Ze Boys Are Big In Germany) and the big five.
Wouldn’t want to miss that, now would you?!

Oh. And with a second place in the final, Dino Merlin, my big bearded friend, is doomed. Since the winner generally comes from the last third of the songs I’m starting to fear Serbia might just win the whole damn thing.
Damn you, Serbia.

Semi Final 1: “Good evening Europe! Wo ist die Homojugend?!”

2011-05-11T14:58:00.001+02:00

– at least that’s what we think Stefan und seine Frauen are saying if the overexcited gays behind them are any indication.

The presenters are Stefaan Raab and two random women (one as eager as an overexcited puppy, another one with ugly silver tassles on her shoulder). Wahey them! “You won’t understand a word of it, because your commentators are going to talk over us, but we’re still here and damned happy about it!” Apparently they’re funny, not that we’d know since we’re all still talking –as are André and Sven- because Die Homojugend in the audience goes ganz wild, ja.
Toll!
While Stefan und seine Frauen explain the televoting (I kid you not, is this “Eurovision for the televoting-impaired” or something?), complete with fireworks and counting down from five, the Sofa discovers our very first problem: our Flemish commentators.

Now we love André. In a way. And after all these years he decided it was time for someone younger and probably more attractive next to him, which we understand. A man has needs: exit Bart Peeters, enter Sven Pichal. Though yes, André, I was also still available, but I understand you didn’t ask because you probably thought I was busy: no hard feelings. Anyway, as I was saying, Sven and André are our first problem. Because their voices and their Eurovision enthusiasm are too alike so we can’t be sure who’s speaking. Very annoying, especially since The Sofa can’t keep their mouths shut either and well… let’s just say André, a woman’s voice * cough like mine cough * would have been a bigger contrast.

Still, we’re willing to give it a shot, and with a Sofa filled with fans, someone who declares himself The Queen of Oneliners and a baby in the audience, on we go to the first entry of the evening.

A postcard of the monorail in Wuppertal (Because who didn’t want to see that!) brings us to Poland. The opening notes are enough to cause the baby to burst into tears “Hungry?” the confused parents wonder, but nope, it’s just the song. Poland is acting out a 70s fitness choreography in the exact same outfit I wore during the C-section last year. It’s very er.. special.

When we get to Norway we start to realise that all the participants AND the presenters probably have the same horrible stylist. Someone shoot this man now. It’s “The Lion King – the musical”. Urgh. I really really don’t get why the rest of Europe is so in love with this. Give me Jesse Matador any time.

André says Albania’s Aurela Gaçe is “the Tina Turner of the Balkan”. Really? She looks like an ugly older version of Rihanna to us, but alright, we’re willing to defer to André’s wisdom. Apparently, he also informs us, this is “metal”. Metal? Metal of the hard rock stuff? With the black and the unwashed hair and the general moshpit-stuff and things like that? This? Why? Because there’s pyros? Cos it sure sounds more Bonnie Tyler than metal to us, but alright, whatever you say, André. (though she’s wearing glitter as well sweetie…Glitter). The pyro –guys are getting so excited we’re worried they might end up burning down the arena. Eak!

Armenia, for reasons of tone deafness and sudden lack of taste, divides the sofa. Some people –the girlfriend- actually say it’s good while others –me- stand firm in their hatred of it. It’s nasal, the hairextensions look pretty heavy (poor girl might fall over any minute) and we’ve seen the trick with the ribbons before … it might have worked for Sertab, but that was due to the hot German blondes crawling at her feet. No hot german blondes here. Though the gay portion of The Sofa mumbles disappointedly about the dancers taking off their bow-ties but not their shirts.

Turkey brings us Spinal Tap! We knew you wouldn’t disappoint, Turkey! They’re getting cocky though, they know they don’t even have to send someone attractive and they’ll still get through (yeah, I know they didn’t, I was shocked!). There’s blatant “Chris Lowe”-patented fake keyboard playing and the erm … very bendy woman tries to distract us from the ugly guys singing. It doesn’t work. Oh god, she turns into a phoenix. Someone kill me now.

The Sofa, especially The Girlfriend, is getting collectively frisky when they see the colourfulness that is Serbia. I can’t say I really get it, though I’m probably still recovering from the “transformation” we just witnessed in the Turkish cage. Yes, it’s all terribly colourful and cheerful. I’m just glad I’m not epileptic and I can’t stop wondering if they’re not too hot in those tights and if they’ve really only just seen Austin Powers and if those guys from “Cipela” were busy.

Russia picked up his backing vocalists at Ikea (promotion: buy two Lack tables and get four Swedes free!) and they’re featuring in a Schwarzkopf (“official sponsor of the Eurovision Song Contest”) ad. “No matter how high you set the wind machine, our hair will not move”). “Oooh they get lightning” The Sofa remarks. Well yes, Dima Bilan ‘s probably controlling the weather, just for them. We might not have a clue what he’s singing, but when The Sofa comes to the consensus that it’s probably “I choose my buttlight” I can’t help but disagree…. Extra points for a very sloppy Sergio-inspired backflip.

When André compares the Swiss singer Anna Rossinelli to “the impressive Maltese singer Chiara” I’m just about ready to chuck stuff at the TV. Can we please just have ONE single Eurovision Song Contest without Chiara, please, thank you?! God, André! Well hello there, it’s “Me and my ukelele!”. Apparently she’s wearing a “dowdy” dress (a Wendy Pepper original?), but we don’t let that distract us and stare at her (gorgeous, long, shapely) legs the whole three minutes. Lovely song. I suppose. Not that I was listening.

And another “dowdy” outfit for Georgia (André’s really getting out the fashion commentary this year – do we detect a subtle shift in the commentator-dynamics?) who –let’s just be honest here- gives us a very big Dana International vibe. Is it Her influence? Was there a group reduction for sex changes (as The Queen of Oneliners naughtily proposes)? We don’t know, but we can’t shake the feeling he might be on to soemthing. Someone call the fashion police (if nothing else, take that stylist into a custody) and did Stereo Mike sign up for Georgia as well?

If Tom Dice’s legacy to Eurovision will be a legion of babyfaced boys with guitars singing sugary sweet pop tunes, I’m going to go kick his arse. At least this one’s not trying any sign language or turning into a phoenix. It’ s something. Finland’s song is the perfect moment for us to fill up on the crisps and booze. Yes, yes, it’s the planet, Gorgeous. But what the hell is he wearing?

Oh Malta, how I love you. I do, I really do. It’s quite something when you find backing dancers who can make even Glen Vella look macho. Well, maybe not macho, that’s probably too strong. “He hides it well”, our Straight Boy proclaims. “Is that even legal in Malta?” someone asks. “What? A keychange?” Straight Boy replies. Oh shut up, all of you, you’re bad, horrible people! His boundless enthusiasm and naïve sweet lyrics are enough for a place in my heart. Even if he doesn’t have a chance in hell of making it out of this semi. Go Glen! “You can love yourself too” he sings, “there you go, an ode to masturbation” QoOL replies.

We find out San Marino, the whole bloody country, has as much inhabitants as this shithole the wife and I live in. “They probably don’t even have a baker!” The sofa proclaims. Nice to see there’s a following for the patented Glennis Grace arm movements, but … they didn’t do old Glennis any favours, so why try? “This is the first ballad” someone remarks. Seriously? It seems like we’ve had hundreds!

And I can’t believe we had to wait till the 13th song for the first chlotheschange! What the hell? Is this turning into a song contest or something? Spare me! Thank you Croatia for this horrible awfulness. There’s an ugly Johnny Depp, the most random clotheschange ever (because yes, sometimes clothes changes are not random – how I long for the return of the Croatian Backing Choir Clothes Change where they reveal polka dotted bikini tops under their shirts) and yet another singer who looks like an ugly drag queen. Would have been hilarious if her dress got caught in her knickers during one of the clothes changes. Alas, that doesn’t happen. Pity.

Iceland goes for the sympathy vote and who can blame them. (They’ve got mine, but don’t tell anyone). It’s nice to see Ricky Gervais find his way to the Eurovision stage (it makes a change from “Free love on the Freelove Highway”) and to see the return of the exaggerated wink to the camera (see also Russia). Apparently I missed a chaste kiss between two of the friends while I blinked. I’m sorry, what?! Unlike Tatu, these guys don’t moan about it, they just do it.

Yay for the return of bad 90s Eurovision dance!! I love it, thank you Hungary! And yes, by now we’re sure that Dana International rounded up all her friends to take part this year. It’s not subtle Dana, we’re on to you! “It’s Cher, but without the plastic surgery” someone remarks. And er… was the little crotch light that one of the dancers seems to be sporting intentional? Russia’s “buttlight” is starting to make sense after all.

“Thank you for the money” Portugal is saying with this song “Now look at what we did with it!”. Give it back, you wankers! How dare you, after your recent amazing efforts (we’re not talking about last year’s Disney Disaster) send this. Not even the Portuguese gays in the audience manage more than a few polite half-hearted waves with their flags. You can tell they’re just itching to switch it for the Maltese flag they left at the hotel.

Lithuania unfortunately does nothing to lift our moods. Urgh. Talk about Disney Ballads. It’s like something out of “Aristocats 6”. “Is someone hiding under that dress or is her ass really that big?”… “yep, it’s really that big”. Aaaaargh! There’s sign language! We thought we’d eradicated it in the early noughties, but no, it sprung back again! Like headlice, once you think you’re rid of them, there they are again in all their nastiness! “The sign language might give them some extra points” Sven remarks. Yes. Because the deaf all love Eurovision (!). Oh boy.

For some reason everyone is falling over themselves loving Azerbaijan. I don’t get it. I’m probably turning into a grumpy old woman, but I really don’t get it. Maybe I will in the final. It seems like Europe just drew open a can of babyfaced little boys in white suits. It’s Glee, with a golden shower at the end. Alright then.

And Stereo Mike got back just in time for the Greek song. “Yo yo yo, for all my brothers in Europe, check it out yo!”. Bad “street dance”, a bad “rapper”, overuse of quotation marks, ethnic Greek music, this must be Eurovision. Sakis is rolling over in his freshly made bed. Not even the clothes change and the pyros (the Germans thought “damn, this is the last song, we’d better use it all up”) saves this. Bring back Sakis, I say.

The interval act is a combination of all the drums that have been used in recent Eurovision years. As you can see there’s been quite a lot of them. Riverdance had a double booking I presume. When the presenters come back they’re still in the same outfits. That’s how we can tell there’s a financial crisis on.
Shocking result, in that Armenia and Turkey (two countries of the “could send a farting sheep and still win the whole thing”-variety) are NOT through to the final. Wow. I predict a riot. Or at least a question in the European Parliament.

In the mean time I’ve had it with these fake Danas. Bring on the real one on Thursday! And Dino! And those annoying Irish twins! Hopefully that will be a tad more entertaining.

The big five: shaggy hair, bulging biceps and strangers lurking around corners.

2011-05-07T13:34:00.002+02:00

Last year Germany won the Eurovision song contest with a very simple, catchy song sung by a pretty girl in a simple black dress in the most understated stage setting ever. There were hardly any lights on and frankly I think they even forgot about the wind machine. What is this world coming to?! The result of this is that the big four have not only magically expanded (welcome back, Italy) but they also seem to have gotten their collective act together.
Well, maybe not Spain.
On with the Big Five....

France: Amaury Vassili – Sognu

2011-05-07T13:34:00.001+02:00

Waaah! Vangelis! Conquest of paradise! Sung by a hot young thing with shaggy hair. The oddest opera-type video clip I’ve ever seen “hot young guy with amazing voice walks along the seaside”, “hot young guy with amazing voice and leather jacket encounters toothless French person”. Oh The Drama! The Pathos! This might win. My poor Dino. Oh god, I hope this doesn’t win. On the other hand... I’ve never been to Paris....

Italy: Raphael Gualazzi - Madness Of Love

2011-05-07T13:33:00.002+02:00

Italy’s back! Apparently we’re all very excited about that. And I’m sure they’re bringing something amazingly qualitative but it leaves me stone cold. I mean, what is this? An actual song contest or something? Puh-lease!! And coming straight after France, well that’s just too much seriousness for me. I should hope the next song is something camp and over the top. Not a wind machine in sight for this one.

UK: Blue – I can

2011-05-07T13:33:00.001+02:00

And now for the most ridiculous low budget video of the Big Five: the UK! France gets to take a hike alongside an amazing coastline (and talk to toothless people): Blue gets girls in ripped bandages doing some distracting dance. They’re serious about those cutbacks in the UK, aren’t they. On the plus side, they’re already trying out the wind machine and the portable shower. Now all we have to do is wait for them to get out the S&M gear and the jelly and start wrestling each other. Now I know I said this might win, but frankly I hadn’t heard France yet then. So with this draw, and the funny faces that guy who has to hit the high notes pulls ... you’re not going to win. Unfortunately. Because I like this poppy little thing. But then again, you never know ... perhaps Blue is Big in Eastern Europe? Come on, lads, show us those biceps!

Germany: Lena - Taken by a Stranger

2011-05-07T13:32:00.000+02:00

Snicker. Snort. Oh, grow up.... I’m sure she doesn’t mean it that way. At least... I’m pretty sure. The cute girl from last year has grown into quite the vixen in this video. Call me a big perverted dyke, but I preferred the innocence over the squirming, but that’s just me. It’s not a bad song, but I don’t know how long people will remember it for. Still, kudos to Lena for trying out again (and thank god we have a son, we were morally obliged –with the whole pretty much being born on Eurovision 2010-thing- to name our child after last year’s winner and Lena being a pretty strange name for a boy gave us an out –on that same note we were pretty happy Milan Stankovic didn’t win last year despite “Ovo Je Balkan” being stuck in my head during the C-section)

Spain: Lucía Pérez - Que me quiten lo bailao

2011-05-07T13:31:00.000+02:00

Again Spain have the best draw of the lot and we can count on them to send in the exact same song they’ve been sending to Eurovision before (apart from when they go for the ridiculous). It sounds like a Belle Perez B-side and I might have to take back what I said about Blue making the cheapest video of the lot. Then again, no, Spain spent money on costumes. And feathers. There must be a lot of naked chickens running around Spain at the moment. The song may not do much for me, but I’d sure like to go to that party (come on! There are people dressed up as penguins! How could I not?).

Semi-Final 2: Merlin's Mylordos and his luscious thighs

2011-05-01T19:50:00.000+02:00

Because a Semi Final 1 without a Semi Final 2 would be... well, it would be like Eurovision without a wind machine!

Bosnia&Herzegovina: Dino Merlin - Love in rewind

2011-05-01T19:49:00.000+02:00

Dino Merlin! You know, I was fully prepared to hate this one: no twinky gay boys, no Dramatic Poses, no red flags and not a hint of the bombastic communist army orchestra coming to get us. But then this song wormed its way into my head and it’s stuck there, people. It’s stuck. And then there’s the utterly fabulous ridiculous –not to mention hilarious- dance steps when all of a sudden old Dino is like a slightly drunk uncle at your wedding (which I hope don’t distract from the performance), and there’s waving at the end. Waving! Well then, there you go!Apparently Mister Merlin (I’m sorry, I can’t help but snicker at the name) is a huuuuge star in the Balkan, which is always handy. And with a song like this... and a name like that... Even despite the lack of gay boys, it’s going to win. Quite rightly so.
But what the hell does “Sito” mean?

Austria : Nadine Beiler – The Secret is love

2011-05-01T19:48:00.002+02:00

Disney ballad, bla bla bla, good voice, I predict a long flowing gown, lots of smoke and dramatic hand gestures, possible appearance of Andrew Lloyd-Webber... or wait, no, he’s not always on standby. Pity. Wake me up when Chiara storms on stage to hit her over the head with the wind machine.

The Netherlands: 3Js – Never alone

2011-05-01T19:47:00.000+02:00

Hmm.I can think of absolutely nothing to say about this. Which is probably not a good sign. Not bad, not bad, a pity they forgot to write a recognisable chorus. Let’s hope they dress appealingly in order to bring out their best assets. Yes, sexism is allowed. This is Eurovision.

Belgium: Witloof Bay – with love baby

2011-05-01T19:46:00.000+02:00

Yes, the group name is funny. And how apt that the Walloons are yet again sending a group comprised of people from all over the country. But a capella doesn’t work at Eurovision. It doesn’t. Read my lips, Belgium, A CAPELLA DOES NOT WORK AT EUROVISION. It’s boring. And the beatboxing is embarrassing. Surely I can’t be the first person to tell you this? Surely a million people have said this before me. Which begs the question, why on earth didn’t you listen?? People won’t vote for a song because they marvel at how well you can sing. They want to sing along, they want a stomping disco beat, wind machine, or something that moves them. A capella only moves the vocal masturbators. Aaargh!!

Slovakia: TWiiNS – I’m still alive

2011-05-01T19:45:00.000+02:00

Two pouting dressed up barbie dolls singing a song. Twins, I presume? They already broke in the wind machine and the long earrings for their videoclip. But apparently someone thought flattering shots of the girls for three minutes would be boring, so they edited in sports games, a political rally, a natural disaster and a birth. Hmz. I wonder how they’ll fit that in on stage...
Oh, and as someone who was very nearly practically giving birth during the song contest last year, let me tell you: newborns don’t look like that. That is all.

Ukraine: Mika Newton – Angel

2011-05-01T19:44:00.000+02:00

Quite possibly there’s a law that states that every Eurovision must have a song called “Angel” in it. It’s probably up there in the rule book with “not over 3 minutes”, “no politics” and “no live chickens”. And there really is no shortage of hot women in the Ukraine, is there? Where do they keep finding them? Is there a Eurovision-training facility? Points for the feather dress and the hot gymnasts. Shame about the lack of disco stomping beats.

Moldova: Zdob si Zdub- So lucky

2011-05-01T19:43:00.000+02:00

Remember these guys? They’re the ones that brought their grandma on stage in 2005. And apparently they had such a blast that they couldn’t wait to come back. An utterly repetitive song (count the times they say the words “So lucky”) but for me it’s a breath of fresh air in this boring semi-final. Go Moldova! Finally some dancing!

Sweden: Eric Saade – Popular

2011-05-01T19:42:00.000+02:00

Aaah, a hot guy singing a dull soulless dance song about “being popular”: this must be Eurovision. Bring on the pyro, how very Sakis of Sweden. Needless to say I’m a big fan. And for the most perverted misheard lyrics in Eurovision ever. I had to go look it up because I couldn’t believe my ears. Turns out I’m just a big pervert. “My body wants you girl, I’ll get you when I’m popular”. Yes, well. I thought the “when” was er... something else. Listen for yourself! It’s an easy mistake to make!

Cyprus: Christos Mylordos - San Aggelos S'Agapisa

2011-05-01T19:41:00.000+02:00

Christos Mylordos... the only guy who could take the title of “awesomest name ever” away from Dino Merlin. Exactly the kind of tortured song (sung in Greek, if I’m not mistaken) that I love. I’m hoping for an appropriate stage setting, some excellent backing vocals and some charisma. And the second mention of angels in one night. Dear lord!

Bulgaria: Poli Genova - Na Inat

2011-05-01T19:40:00.000+02:00

And you can keep the dramatic stage setting for this one. I think I’ve found the Wife’s favourite song (without her even having heard it yet), judging by the singer, the wind machine and the female musicians (oh hang on, I’ve spotted a man there). To put it in her words: “it’s a bunch of women. With guitars. Of course I love it.” The Wife is a sucker for rock chicks with questionable hairdos. Oh god... I hope she won’t want to cut her hair that way...

FYR Macedonia: Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

2011-05-01T19:39:00.000+02:00

I was just going to say that this Semi-final was on a roll (I was even going to add a shout out of “yeah baby!”, it was all going to be terribly embarrassing) until the singer started. So that means after some 10 excellent seconds, the song is all but ruined. No. I wouldn’t go that far, but after a frankly fantastic start... the rest is just... a bit meh. Meh, with bombastic folk singing and dancing however, so there is that.

Israel: Dana International – Ding Dong

2011-05-01T19:38:00.000+02:00

There she comes, shriding on stage like a blushing bride. This woman does stairs like no-one else. Dana isn’t one to let anyone steal the limelight. She can do no wrong here, after becoming the first (and only) transsexual winner of Eurovision and co-writing the amazing “fire in your eyes” (2008 - the one with the hot dancing jewish boys), I’ll forgive her the nasal singing and the crappy song. After all, it’s the return of the traditional “switch to Hebrew” halfway through the song. We sure love our traditions. You go on and show Carola what a wind machine was made for, Dana!
(And kudos to the guy at Eurosong.be for consistently spelling “coming” as “comming”. Very appropriate)

Slovenia: Maja Keuc- No one

2011-05-01T19:37:00.000+02:00

No sweetie, too many hand movements. And there shall be no dancing when attempting to sing a powerful ballad. All very distracting. Watch a few Chiara performances (yeah, as long as she’s not taking part I’m willing to refer to her) to really get the hang of it. But good on you for braving the stormy winds on stage. Unfortunately, for whatever reason -probably the Mariah-esque handmovements- this leaves me ice cold. Meh.

Romania: Hotel FM – Change

2011-05-01T19:36:00.000+02:00

Go Romania for not sending a slutty girl singing “the balkan girls they like to party, like to party like nobody”. For that alone you deserve a place in the final. Unfortunately you have written the most boring chorus since those guys from the Netherlands, which is quite impressive. I predict a “Come on everybody! Clap along”-moment though, so –despite my misgivings about such things at Eurovision- not all is lost.

Estonia: Getter Jaani- Rockefeller street

2011-05-01T19:35:00.000+02:00

Miss Jaani can’t decide whether this is a singing competition or a modelling show. So to be on the safe side, she strikes many a pose in her horrid, horrid pink-blue-yellow waldrobe-malfunction-waiting-to-happen. She brought her brother and his friends (or well, I think that’s what they are) along to hop alongside her and to help her count “one two seven three”! I’m too oldfashioned for this stuff. The song is nice though. It is. If they don’t build a trainwreck dress and performance around it. And if they can carry a tune live, which I’m not so sure about watching the video.

Belarus: Anastasiya Vinnikova- I Love Belarus

2011-05-01T19:33:00.000+02:00

You might not have guessed, but this is the entry for Belarus. Moldova singing a song called “I love Belarus” would be quite ridiculous. And there’s always one isn’t there... one country that has to send a patriottic song to the contest. One country that seems to think this contest is about showcasing national talent and the beauty of your country. Ha! Idiots! Let’s count the times André mentions that “Belarus is the last European dictatorship” shall we. In case you were wondering what Belarus looks like: “We're gonna fly watching lakes in their full view
Fields are full of gold, and it's all my land”. Extra points if she bring the folk dancers in native costumes with her. And if she inspires scores of western-European countries to sing songs like this next year “I love Belgium! Country full of fries! I love Belgium! With our grey skies!”

Latvia: Musiqq - Angel in Disguise

2011-05-01T19:32:00.000+02:00

And our third mention of angels for the evening. Don’t know about you, but I’ve had quite enough of them. Overrated white winged pests! For this one let me just quote the lyrics, they say more (more!) than enough: “Kill me with killa kiss / Kill me with tempting lips / Stare at me with candy eyes / Love me with luscious thighs”. That must be the first mention of “luscious thighs” in a Eurovision song contest! It makes a change from the fire/desire rhyme. And go them for bringing a rapper out of retirement. If it weren’t for Eurovision all the European rappers would be on the dole, so go Eurovision, for saving our social security! Oh, and sweetie, lay off the high note.

Denmark: A friend in London - New Tomorrow

2011-05-01T19:31:00.000+02:00

“A friend in Copenhagen” wasn’t catchy enough or something? This is pretty cute though, despite the very 80s haircut. Maybe it’s the way they say “crasy crasy world”. Cute! I just want to run up and pinch his cheeks. Three minutes can be a long time though... but I think Dino might just have a bit of competition. (The wife is grumbling about “horrifying” and “are you out of your mind”, so perhaps Dino is still safe)

Ireland: Jedward – Lipstick

2011-05-01T19:30:00.000+02:00

I can’t believe I didn’t know Jedward were taking part. I mean, I have no clue who they are, but I’ve heard of them and I’ve seen them on ‘Never mind the Buzzcocks’ and well.... Ireland didn’t send a singing turkey this year but it’s not that far off really. They really, really don’t have the money to host another contest do they? But hey, Ireland, guess what? I’m voting for this crap! It’s so horribly bad it’s actually pretty fantastic! It’s the closest thing to Verka Serduchka in this year’s competition. Or yes, to Dustin the Turkey. Go Jedward! “Ooooh ooooooh am I heading for a car crash? Hey!!!

Eurovision 2011

2011-04-25T16:38:00.000+02:00

As you all may or may not know, last year’s Eurovision was a bit of a turning point for me. For those of you not in the loop: the contest was sabotaged by my unborn son. Well, by his placenta really, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it. Instead of enjoying Eurovision at home, where the decorations were waiting and the guests had been invited, I spent the night of the second semi final hooked to a monitor in the maternity ward. Instead of being allowed to go home afterwards, I had to stay until they would do a C-section, so I also spent the night of the final in a hospital bed, with my wife, slowly swelling up like a gigantic water balloon with a monitor strapped to my belly and a midwife checking in on us from time to time.
Those midwives had no tact to wait until the commercial breaks. Pfff.

Anyway. All’s well that ends well they say, though I can’t deny Eurovision being a bit charged for me now. Delayed shock? Whatever you want to call it. But I’ve had the worst time trying to “get into” the contest this year. Was I going to go all out or not? Was anyone even reading this horrible crap I wrote?
But yeah, tradition won out. So I took a listen and watched youtube videos. In the consolation that this year, there’s no placenta to ruin the whole thing. And that if my son decides to get a horrible ear infection during the final (or whatever else) I’ll know for sure that we’ve got years of Eurovision-struggle ahead. It’s best to be prepared I suppose.

So here we go.

Dino Merlin is going to win. Can we establish that before anything else? Or Blue. But probably our Dino. And not just because he’s Bosnian or because he’s got the coolest name ever : Dino Merlin! It sounds like a nickname for a Harry Potter slash writer! No, his song’s going to win because it’s a brilliant earworm.

But ok, granted, I haven’t heard all the other songs yet, so I might just get on with it and give the rest a chance.
Not that any of them are going to win.

Semi Final one: from “haba haba” over “boom boom” to “da da dam” and “watch my dance”. It’s not exactly university stuff, is it.

Norway: Stella Mwangi- Haba Haba

2011-04-25T16:36:00.000+02:00

Norway thought they’d send a female Jesse Matador with a crappy song. Not even the dancing camera can save this one and I give up at the 1min56sec mark. It’s a new record for me.

Albania Aurela Gace Feel the passion

2011-04-25T16:35:00.000+02:00

Albania brings us the traditional Albanenglish. At least I think it is. In keeping with tradition it’s pretty unclear. Also pretty unclear is why we’re left waiting for the explosion. You know, the explosion? The whole Windmachine/Carola/Charlotte Nilsson exploding chorus? Yeah. It’s not happening. Offkey singing though, that probably -is- happening!

Armenia: Emmy - Boom Boom

2011-04-25T16:34:00.000+02:00

“Boom Boom”? Really, Armenia, really? Are you kidding me? Props for the most psychedelic video possible, but what a horrible chorus. Not even the keychange can save this.

Turkey : Yüsek Sadakat - Live it up

2011-04-25T16:33:00.000+02:00

Oh yeah, Turkey’s bringing us rockers with a wind machine, I like it when countries stick to traditions! At last, the first certain qualifier of the evening, and not just because it’s Turkey.

Serbia: Nina- Caroban

2011-04-25T16:32:00.000+02:00

I’m always disappointed when I find out Zeljko has not been roped in to write a song for Serbia. Or any other Balkan country, I gather the man is not too picky about that. Really, like Sakis, Carola, Deen and that blond gay cutie from Iceland he should just take part every year. As far as camp goes, this one ticks all the boxes but I can’t help but think they should have just sent real drag queens instead of women in strange outfits. The song grows on me though. Though that could just be the pretty colours.

Russia: Alexej Vorobjov - Get you

2011-04-25T16:31:00.000+02:00

Gratuitous crotch shots, a partially unbuttoned shirt and an army of sharp dressed men behind him: why, this must be Russia! Now don’t be fooled by the lack of ice skaters or pianos, it still is Russia. He’s coming to get me, he sings, by god, quick someone lock the doors and windows! Qualifier though. For sure.

Switzerland: Anna Rossinelli - In love for a while

2011-04-25T16:30:00.000+02:00

Switzerland ran out of inspiration in the lyric department and just switches to singing “na na na na na na na na na” halfway through the song. This is the kind of effort we can appreciate at Eurovision. Make your music accessible to the masses! Nicely done, Switzerland. If utterly boring.

Georgia: Eldrine- One more day

2011-04-25T16:29:00.000+02:00

Bellybutton showing? Really? In 2011? But then what do I know, I’m not hip like all these young ones. Well done in making the best of the wind machine, Georgia. Oh dear god, they’ve brought a rapper along. Why? Nah. Meh.

Finland: Paradise Oskar- Da da dam

2011-04-25T16:28:00.000+02:00

Finland brings us a song about a kid called Peter who wants to save the planet. Or something. It’s utterly inoffensive and quite nice in a guy-with-a-guitar-singing-da-da-da-da-my&myguitar-kinda way. Needless to say, it’s not my thing.

Malta: Glen Vella - One life

2011-04-25T16:27:00.001+02:00

The last time someone took part with a song called “one life”, it was stuck between Deen and Ruslana and ended in Nipplegate. So this is quite daring. And yes, it’s quite crap, but come on... a song about tolerance and non-discrimination, how can I be horrible about that? So despite it being crap, I’ll turn up the volume, sing along and thank the gods that they didn’t send Chiara again. Thank you, Malta! Embrace the camp!

San Marino: Senit - Stand by

2011-04-25T16:27:00.000+02:00

San Marino? Seriously? How can I mock Andorra when San Marino is taking part? What’s next, Brussels taking part on its own?! Though I shouldn’t joke about that, it might happen sooner than I think. Anyway. Thanks for joining the fun, San Marino, and I’m sure it’s utterly beautiful for a Disney Ballad. But yeah... come again next year. And bring gay boys. And feathers.

Croatia: Daria - Celebrate

2011-04-25T16:26:00.000+02:00

“Celebrate”? Now I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but the last time someone took part singing “Celebrate” it ended with him punching himself in the mouth with his own microphone. Which was the best part of the out of breath-performance. You let me down ~~Celine Dion~~ Croatia. It ticks all the Eurobeat-boxes, but sadly, for some reason, the order to “celebrate” just makes me want to shout back “I’ll celebrate when I’m good and well ready! Quit pressuring me!” Though it could just be me.

Iceland: Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home

2011-04-25T16:25:00.000+02:00

In case you didn’t know, and let me then tell you this before André can do it, Sjonni’s friends are in fact, Sjonni’s friends. Sjonni was all set to take part in the Icelandic preselection when he passed away. So his friends entered and won the preselection in his place. Utterly cute and catchy song. I’ll even forgive them for not sending a gay disco anthem this year. Or Pall Oskar.

Hungary: Kati Wolf - What about my dreams?

2011-04-25T16:24:00.000+02:00

Yes, well, what about your dreams? Life is about more than just what you want, you know. Oh, I’m sorry is my parenting shining through again? But this is the kind of big gay disco stomper I love. Extra points for switching languages halfway through, very Israel of you. Yeah baby!!

Portugal: Homens Da Luta- Luta é alegria

2011-04-25T16:23:00.000+02:00

Now we all know Portugal is broke. And after sending some bloody good songs in years past they clearly didn’t want to take a risk this year. They figured if Ireland can send a turkey, Serbia can sing a song about an old shoe, someone else sing a song about a traffic jam, the UK can take part year after year, and all of these don’t come close to winning, this must be the recipe for succes, right? Of course sometimes ridiculous ideas, like ice skaters, lesbian harems in homophobic countries, men in monster masks, are succesful after all or very nearly so, like a drag queen dressed in tin foil or ballerinas coming from pianos, so you can never be too sure. But let’s say Portugal easily gets the null points this year. Despite singing a song about the political reality of their country. And go them for it!

Lithuania: Evelina Sasenko - C'est ma vie

2011-04-25T16:22:00.000+02:00

The horrible dress is such a distraction I can’t even focus on the Disney ballad that’s being sung. Great singer if she can pull this off live, but I’ll be taking a toilet break. Wouldn’t want to miss the act the Germans have put on for the intermission, after all.

Azerbaijan: Ell & Nikki- Running scared

2011-04-25T16:21:00.000+02:00

Azerbaijan sure likes their duets don’t they? Aargh. Well. It’s ok. It’s not bad, it’s not fantastic. It should do pretty well. Two pretty young people singing stuff to each other in heavy accents. What more could we ask for on a Tuesday evening?

Greece: Loucas Yiorkas ft. Stereo Mike- Watch my dance

2011-04-25T16:20:00.000+02:00

“Watch my dance”. I’m sorry. What? “No Sakis?” The wife pouts. No Sakis, sweetie. But Stereo Mike! (Seriously? Stereo Mike?) For some reason they dug up a rapper, probably because they feared their Eurovision entries would otherwise be forever remembered being too gay. Yay for the Sirtaki tweedleedeedees, yay for the threatening atmosphere and yay for the guy belting out the song. Shame about Stereo Mike.

Semi Final 1: Poland Magdalena tul Jestem

2011-04-25T15:22:00.003+02:00

First off is Poland. Stolen from something (anything) Swedish. Horrid. On the plus side: hairography! So copious amounts of wind machine! And leather! (Or latex! I can never tell the difference from a distance... I know, take away my dyke points now). With the hairography, wind machine and latex combo it’s growing on me. I’m still glad when it’s over though.

Eurovision adventure

2010-06-07T19:37:00.001+02:00

You might be wondering what happened to me: sudden loss of interest in Eurovision? Depression because Belgium didn't win? Hiding from the world because of our sixth place?

Nope.
On Thursday 27th of May I went for a checkup to our gynaecologist, was suddenly sent to hospital, put on a monitor and told I wouldn't be leaving until they delivered Penguin by C-section. I was 36 weeks pregnant and they wanted to keep Penguin in as long as possible, but they had to weigh the risks of an early birth to those of the pre-eclampsia I apparently had.

Bas was born on June 1st. He weighed a healthy 3kg280 (Imagine what he would've done without the pre-eclampsia and at full term), measured in at 49cms and is generally the most gorgeous baby ever. He spent four days in the neonatal unit where he recovered from the whole ordeal. Meanwhile I had to do the same, because -to be very honest- I really wasn't doing so well. I'm gradually doing better though, and he improved in leaps and bounds.
He was staying in my hospital room since Saturday (finally I could hold him whenever I wanted to) and we just got home.

So now you know.
Bas really really did his best to make us miss Eurovision. I can sense trouble ahead.

"It's a historic Tuesday" - Eurovision Semi Final 1

2010-05-26T11:22:00.004+02:00

This year's contest will be commented on by André (from Brussels, because we have no money to rent a place in Oslo -well, that'll be funny when we win and the Dutch or the Walloon guys will have the first interview won't it-) and Bart. We think Anja wanted too much money to comment on the dresses.

The contest tries to get rid of the prejudice about the voting being political by now allowing people to vote before they've even heard one single song. Way to go EBU! Perhaps they're putting the money in a saving's account for when the Big Four pulls out. It's all for a good cause, really.

We play another round of "spot the straight guy in the audience", as every year to no avail, and before we know it (No riverdance? No-one walking through walls or flying through the air? No ulgy twins on a swan?) the show has started!

With the charming Eurodisco trainwreck that is Moldova. Their violinist is spinning around on stage so violently we're pretty sure he's going to be sick, and the saxophone players apparently play a lot better when they shake their crotch at the camera. Love it! -Q

Russia is as ever one of those countries that could send a puking violinist (with or without dying ballerina or iceskating rink) and still make the top five, and this time they send a bunch of guys in the snow, who didn't even bother to dress up. They're wearing scarves though, to stay in the "winter" theme, so they have put some thought into their act. Long live the Russian bombastic pathos! - Q

Estonia sends RiffRaff in a pink scarf (what is it with scarves? Did Alexander Rybak release his own line or something?) with the scariest and most hilarious backing singers/dancers in the contest. At the end one of them even drops dead. The Wife predicts their choreographer is pulling out his hair backstage "stop improvising, you idiots!".

Slovakia goes for the classic elf with mountain trolls-act, only this time she's joined on stage by her monther-in-law. Yikes! Long live the Riverdance and the everything-but-the-kitchensink performance. Petra was, as usual, twenty years ahead of her time.

Oh god, the Finnish aren't wearing any shoes. It's going to be one of those songs, is it. And yes, it is. With the lot of them all dressed in white, I'm starting to think we're being accosted by a bunch of folk-playing gynaecologists. Eep!

Wow, Latvia, that cruficix around your neck sure is subtle. If you'd worn it any bigger, you'd have been able to climb onto it yourself. Thankfully her singing is horrible, as is her earnest gazing in the camera. Mister God has no mercy (and neither does Fashion, dressing in a bathrobe and slutty shoes? For Eurovision?! Come on!)! For some reason we think she might pull off the robe for a dramatic clothes change (we've not had one in this contest yet! It must be the longest without one), but we're kinda relieved she keeps the thing on.

Bart says ickle Milan from Serbia is "as gay as an iron". Since when are irons gay? We don't have the time to think about it too much, since the party goes wild when Milan comes on stage and starts his "Balkan" chanting. And he even brought two dates (and their sisters)! And pyros! And a silly dance routine! Go Milan! - Q

Bosnia forgot to bring their act. Didn't they have something lying about with a red flag, a wind machine and much dramatic posing? Or with a washing line and knitting old ladies? They were all busy this year?! Tsk. Stupid softrock. -Q

According to André and Bart, the Polish act and song is about erotic asphyxiation. And perhaps they could have shared their act with the Bosnians because there's plenty to go around. Apples, boobs, bad English and even a clothes change. Well, if one of the girls getting their blouse ripped off is a clothes change... Could be me, but I don't get it.

Aaaaah, there we are, Belgium is sending Tom Dice with a blue guitar. We're told over and over again how pure his act is, just him and his guitar (and two backing singers, hidden in the shadows, but let's not split hairs), how this is quality and how -finally, now that 50% of the votes are jury votes- we should stand a chance to make it to the final. Yes, because the juries would have loved our fake Elvis and circus tents in years past. My god, we can be just as arrogant as the rest of Europe, apparently. Tom is hopping from leg to leg like he needs the loo and manages to look solemn by pulling weird faces. Still, we're pretty thrilled he made it to the final. Despite the song. And the nasal singing. Go Tom! -Q

The Maltese singer is on fire! Seriously, someone call the fire department! Ah but no, she's just giving birth to a gigantic bird that comes out of her ass. No, I'm not kidding, check out the youtube video. It's a bambi Disney ballad, but for some reason (probably the hormones) I'm loving it in the end. Must be the wings.

Thank you, Albania for shaking us awake with your generic discobeat. So generic it sounds like every single uptempo song we've ever heard. Shame you didn't think to bring any angel wings, but at least you brought the Rybak-violin. That's one thing at least. -Q

"Damn, Sakis has gotten old" we think when we see Giorgos from Greece (the name!). Thankfully he brought Sakis' brothers to do the sirtaki behind him. In true Greek tradition they've left the leather at home (or in the hotel room...) and are now dressed in pure white to better show off their physiques and their tattoos. Let's hope they don't win, because there's no way the EU will finance that. And who paid for those sparkly things on your suit, Giorgos? Eh? Ah, I can grumble all I like, but this is brilliant Eurovision stuff. I do wish they'd recycled Sakis' stapler though. Opa! -Q

Portugal brings us a boring Disney ballad sung by a pretty girl. I'm not impressed. Not even the straight guys are all that convinced, and that's saying a lot. They spent all their money on a dress for Filipa and seem to have dressed the backings in stuff from Oxfam. Charming. - Q

FYR Macedonia manages to send some pretty sleazy stuff. As a pregnant woman I can only gaze jealously when one of the dancers lifts her leg to behind her ears. Wow, with all the water in my legs at the moment I can hardly lift my legs enough to walk up stairs. Bitch! And just when you think it can't get any worse, the choreographer manages to up the sleaze factor by ten... good god. There are gay men watching! Close your legs!

We're glad to see the mullet is still in fashion in Belarus, as are the ballgowns and the Christmas atmosphere. We're expecting snow to start coming down, but we get butterfly wings instead. What a horrible, horrible song. And that Maltese bird so upstaged your stupid butterfly wings! -Q

Thank you, Iceland, for sending a big gay diva! And thank you for showing us you can keep the costs down by using the same fabric to make a dress for your lead and backing singers. We'd give you extra points if Ms Bjork ends the song by doing the splits, but alas... Still, we're fans! -Q

Bart recaps the Big Four by saying "the UK is sending something miserable" and we wait full of tension for the results. It takes four envelopes before André says something about "friendly nations", the camera keeps cutting to Tom Dice in the green room who does the most unenthusiastic "flag shaking" possible whenever he spots the red light, and when Belgium comes out of the envelope everyone breathes a sigh of relief. Woohoo! We might cheer a little more when Iceland comes out of the envelope, but still.

"It's a legendary Tuesday" Bart says. It sure is.
And do we hear the sound of André rushing to the airport to share a commentator box with whoever will have him for Saturday? Who knows?!

The Big Four and the Last Winner

2010-05-24T11:21:00.003+02:00

"We're paying for this show, so we can send any damned thing we like!"... on with the immediate qualifiers...

Spain: Daniel Diges – Algo Pequenito

2010-05-24T11:21:00.001+02:00

Just when you think “ooh this is classy, probably way too classy for me and my poor Eurovision Feather Boa fangirling” Daniel walks into a circus tent and is joined by a bunch of clowns and trapeze artists. I kid you not. I hope he keeps that lot at home and invents something classy for the show (he might ask for pointers with the Bosnian/Serbian delegations of years past for that one) and this might do pretty well.

Norway: Didrik Solli-Tangen – My heart is yours

2010-05-24T11:20:00.002+02:00

Norway must think they’ve found the winning recipe: let’s send a hot guy (again, though we can debate the hotness of poor Alexander) and this time let’s not settle for one violin but send a whole bunch. This song consists of so much sugary sweetness even Chiara would say it’s over the top. Hell, I’m sure the butterfly bambis from Belarus are mocking this guy. If there’s any justice in the world this song will sink to the bottom. Fast.

United Kingdom: Josh – That sounds good to me

2010-05-24T11:20:00.001+02:00

Josh is so well known he doesn’t need a surname. Oh no, not him. So one year they send The Lord and the year after.... this. Now see, I love the 80s, I do, but even I can’t stomach this for longer than a minute: the Colgate smile, the slutty dance routine from thirty years ago, the unremarkable vocal... still, it’s pretty funny as a trainwreck.

France: Jessy Matador – Allez, Ola, Ole

2010-05-24T11:19:00.002+02:00

France is thinking “if we don’t win Eurovision (which is pretty likely) at least we’ll already have a song for the world cup football”, the world is still in a financial crisis, we have to save money where we can. The contrast with Patricia Kaas couldn’t be bigger and I quite like this one. Well, it makes me shake and wiggle on my chair, which is quite an accomplishment when you feel like a pregnant waterballoon. I hope he doesn’t think he’s a world class rapper though, or the whole thing might end up quite ridiculous.

Germany: Lena Meyer-Landrut: Satellite

2010-05-24T11:19:00.001+02:00

Ooh, Germany is sending a Lily Allen album track, I’m not sure if it stands out enough to make an impact but I quite like it. Happy, strange accent (that’s not a German accent surely?) and a girl with clothes on! Extra points for putting on clothes, Lena!

Eurovision 2010: Semi Final 1

2010-05-21T17:49:00.000+02:00

From ska-light to boring ballads, to nineties duets and golden showers... it can only be Semi final 2!

Lithuania: InCulto – East European Funk

2010-05-21T17:48:00.002+02:00

Well, this can’t go wrong can it. It’s already quite an accomplishment that they can wear checkered trousers without looking like *total* idiots and with lyrics like “We build your homes and wash your dishes, Keep you your hands all soft and clean” I might just have to be a complete fan. Despite the lack of wind machine.

Armenia: Eva Rivas – Apricot Stone

2010-05-21T17:48:00.001+02:00

Don’t ask me what this song is about, because I don’t get any further than “apricots”, “harvest” and “frozen ground”. But I’m sure it’s about world peace. And it will be enough since this song is catchy as hell and the singer is hot. Very hot. Shallow? Me? Never! But sometimes you have to take your pleasure where you can, even if the Hotness is singing about apricot stones.

Isreal: Harel Ska’at – Milim

2010-05-21T17:47:00.002+02:00

And on we go with the eyecandy. Eurovision doesn’t discriminate, people. I’m probably missing something because this song bores me to tears. And that’s strange for an Israeli song (oh hush, who doesn’t have a thing for Hebrew?). I might just give this one a few more listens. And who knows what happens with the right Eurovision Dramatisation. I have every faith in the Israeli Eurovision gods.

Denmark: Chanée & N’Evergreen – in a moment like this

2010-05-21T17:47:00.001+02:00

First of all allow me to roll my eyes at “N’evergreen”. Thank you. You might be mistaken for thinking this is just a skinny guy with shaggy hair and nice eyes, accompanied by a pretty girl with a bit of a nasal voice. But then comes the full force of this cheesy typically nineties rock-duet. The Other kind of Eurovision. The one without the feathers, but with holding hands, massive keychange and wind machine set to tornado. Yay Denmark! Thank you for not sending “I can’t Believe It’s not Ronan Keating” again!

Switzerland: Michael von der Heide – Il pleut de l’or

2010-05-21T17:46:00.002+02:00

Wow, how Swiss can you be with a German sounding name and a French song! Take a note, Belgium, this might be the way to go. And this song is very much not what you’d expect. Michael is wearing a gold sequinned jacket, waving about a light saber and he and his song would be right at home at Oslo Pride. When *is* Oslo Pride? They should use this as their theme song for crying out loud! Throw in the shadowplay and the whole 80s vibe and I’m a huge fan! 12 points! Michael, sweetie, you don’t stand a chance in hell of making it out of this semi, but I love you for this entry!

Sweden: Anna Bergendahl – This is my life

2010-05-21T17:46:00.001+02:00

Oh god, it’s a young girl in All Stars, a white dress, tiara and strumming a guitar. And on comes a Eurovision Pet Peeve: after the first verse, the guitar disappears but magically, it keeps playing! How does that work?! A pretty boring, but well sung, polished and catchy song, and the cheesy backing singers make up for a lot. As does Carola’s solidarity in leaving behind her wind machine for the Swedish national final. Thank you, Carola. You might just have saved this song like you do every year.

Azerbaijan: Safura – Drip Drop

2010-05-21T17:45:00.003+02:00

They might have only been taking part for three years, but believe me, Azerbaijan wants to win. If this girl doesn’t make the top five, I fear she might be extradited. Shame about the song. And the dress. I’m not sure even the quasi-shirtless hot backing dancers can save this, though Azerbaijan should have enough friends to put it into the final. A quick question though, Safura’s boyfriend apparently “smells like lipstick again”. Now I’m no expert, but how do you manage that... And so another Eurovision Question is born to entertain our more autistic fans.

Ukraine: Alyosha – Sweet people

2010-05-21T17:45:00.001+02:00

It’s always fantastic when national finals have an air of scandal around them and suddenly the second placed song gets to go. Perhaps she can have a chat with Tom Dice about that? Boring Ballad time again I’m afraid. I almost wish they’d bring back the centurions and the old facelifted diva. And they know it’s a lost cause, turning on the wind machine in the middle of the song already, instead of waiting for the climax that never comes.

The Netherlands: Sieneke – Ik ben verliefd (Sha-la-lie)

2010-05-21T17:44:00.002+02:00

Thank you, The Netherlands, for sending a song that for once is more ridiculous than ours. Thank you, Father Abraham (he of the Smurf Song) for composing this sorry excuse of an entry. Thank you, Sieneke, it’s not your fault, but still... just thank you. Be glad most of you don’t understand the ridiculousness of these lyrics. Seriously people, this is easily, hands down, the worst song in this contest. And for once, it’s not ours! Thank you!

Romania: Paula Seling & Ovi – Playing with fire

2010-05-21T17:44:00.001+02:00

Oh, a double piano duet. Rufus Wainwright would be so jealous. Paula (I’m pretty sure it’s Paula) overdid it at the plastic surgeon’s and it’s pretty hilarious how she’s trying to seduce him (she does this weird thing with her eyes when she goes for the “ooh ooh”, and they both forget they’re meant to be playing the piano half of the time. That hilarity is about the only redeeming factor in this song. Boring.

Slovenia: Anzambel Roka Zlindere & Kalamari – Narodno zabavni rock

2010-05-21T17:43:00.002+02:00

Again with the catchy group names. You can’t just call yourself “Kalamari and friends” or something, no? No, you want to make it hard on us poor bloggers to type your name. Not very friendly, Slovenia! And seriously Slovenia, make up your damned mind! Don’t know which song to send? Let’s just send five different song styles and mash them all up (Graham Norton would find a brilliant pun for this, but I’m no Graham, so alas...). If you thought the outfits were bad, wait till they start the music. And not a sequin in sight! The Netherlands might have some competition after all.

Ireland: Niamh Kavanagh – It’s for you

2010-05-21T17:43:00.001+02:00

So sending rockchicks don’t work, a lesbian brother/sister duo doesn’t work... what to do, what to do? Let’s either send a vicar with a guitar, “I can’t believe it’s not Ronan Keating”, Johny Logan or... Niamh Kavanagh. I’m pretty sure that’s what the Irish thought, and who could blame them? My wife keeps distracting me by singing “The Rose” and every other love ballad over this, but I think we can all agree, this should be mainstream and boring enough to make it Chiara-wise to a good spot in the final. But meh. It’s not my type of Eurovision.

Bulgaria: Miro – Angel si ti

2010-05-21T17:42:00.001+02:00

Right. Well, what can we say about this one? It’s polished, it’s cleancut, Miro looks like he’s been taking lessons from Sakis (be sure to expose that bellybutton on the night, sweetie), but there’s just nothing more... the video features a lot of people following Miro and turning into angels at the end. Oops, just spoiled the ending, I’m sorry. I hope Azerbaijan left their 2008 angel costumes behind, it’ll save Bulgaria some money.

Cyprus: John Lilygreen & the Islanders – Life looks better in spring

2010-05-21T17:41:00.002+02:00

Oh, Tom Dice is back. But he’s prettier and he might be winning something this time. This bores me to tears though, I’m sorry... It’s not even got a manic violinist, it’s the least they could have done!

Croatia: Feminnem – Lako Je Sve

2010-05-21T17:41:00.001+02:00

I’ve been getting on everyone’s case to get an easy group name, and the one country who listens, sends a girl band called “Feminnem”. Argh... Seriously?! Yeah, see, whenever I hear these girls, I think of their previous Eurovision attempt and let’s be fair, that’s hardly a good reference. This is something else entirely though: finally it’s the return of the Bombastic Balkan Ballad, only it needs a bit more Russian navy atmosphere to fully satisfy my inner Drama Queen. Let’s hope these girls can carry a tune live (their previous entry doesn’t give us much hope in this regard) and that they lose the slutty act they’re sporting in the video. In that case, they can call me anytime (get it? Get it? I’m so hilarious I know...).

Georgia: Sofia Nizharadze- Shine

2010-05-21T17:40:00.001+02:00

Well, there’s not much I can say about this one. It’s the traditional Eurovision ballad. All it needs is Andrew Lloyd Webber at the piano and the crowd will go wild. If the guys from Belarus turn into butterflies at the end of their song, she’ll have to do one better and solve the world’s electricity bill by bursting into light... only then the Serbs will be pissed off for stealing their Shiny lead singer’s thunder. But don’t worry Georgia, I’m pretty sure there’s an audience of fanboys out there for this.

Turkey: MaNga – We could be the same

2010-05-21T17:39:00.000+02:00

Obviously Turkey is a no-brainer for the final, for the top ten even. But this time –in my humble opinion- I really won’t begrudge them for it. I love this song. My wife’s grumbling something about “typically Turkey, it’s either soft rock or a slutty bellydancing girl”, and sure, that’s true, but at least they have some kind of variation going. Other countries *cough* Malta *cough* think they can get away with sending the same ballad year after year while Turkey’s not broken Sertab out of retirement yet.

Eurovision 2010: First semi final

2010-05-16T12:01:00.003+02:00

It took me a while to get into this year’s contest. There are quite a few possible reasons for this: Belgium selected Tom Dice (urgh), it sounded as if everyone else also selected a Boring Ballad, I’m nearly 8 months pregnant and the only thing the Penguin (our 8-month-old nearly-there baby) reacts to is Depeche Mode or the Wife’s (oh yes, I’m also married these days) depressing goth-light.
Looks like Penguin will be a rockchick/straight boy... Where did we go wrong already?

But who knows. Penguin might decide to pop out during Eurovision! Eager to get with the excitement and to know first-hand who won. I hope (s)he doesn’t (it'll be hard to follow the contest when in labour...) but if (s)he does it’ll make for years of embarrassing stories. Specifically when (s)he’s a teenager. Ha!
But on with the show... the first semi final!

Moldova : Sunstroke project & Olia Tira – Run away

2010-05-16T12:01:00.001+02:00

The name is enough to make anyone cringe “Sunstroke Project”... good lord. And indeed this is a HipsterKid production, complete with torchlight-violins, cleavages and cool hats. Extra points for using the wind machine in their videoclip (can you imagine what they’ll do on stage?) and since I have a weak spot for Eurotrash dance, I’ll forgive them for not having a clue what they’re singing. Moldovenglish for the win!

Russia: Peter Nalitch – Lost and forgotten

2010-05-16T12:00:00.002+02:00

It’s the return of the flannel shirts. If these men didn’t have beards I’d have thought Marija Serifovic had made a comeback. The B-side on a folk single sung by a band who didn’t even bother to dress up for The Event Of the Year. It’s Russia, so it’s a guaranteed top five.

Estonia: Malcolm Lincoln – Siren

2010-05-16T12:00:00.001+02:00

Ooh, but this is arty. Arty with a capital A even. It might be the A-side to Russia’s song, I might even like this one, shame it keeps going on and on and on (and on... and on...)

Slovakia: Kristina – Horehronie

2010-05-16T11:59:00.002+02:00

Long live eastern Europe and their “everything but the kitchen sink” prop and costume-filled performances! This is why I tune in every year: girls dressed like elves, backing singers in bin bags and puzzling dance routines. Let’s hope they thought of even more props for the show!

Finland: Kuunkuiskaajat – Työlki ellää

2010-05-16T11:59:00.001+02:00

What. The. Hell?
This year is not only Ballad Eurovision, it’s also Folky Eurovision. Forget about shoes, get out your violins and your white flowy dresses and let’s hop and skip about, clapping our hands. Tsk, when the Belgians send a folky circustent song in an imaginary language everyone makes fun of us, but who’s to say this is an actual language? Eh? Unfair.

Latvia: Aisha – What for? (only Mr God knows why)

2010-05-16T11:58:00.003+02:00

I’m sorry, “Mister God”? “Mister God”?? The title alone makes me hate this song, and the rest of it is not much better: a pouty, sulky blonde with big eyes staring solemnly in the camera. Argh. Let me just puke now and get it over with. “What for do people live until they die?” Dear (mister) god, if you existed, you wouldn’t allow this kind of crap to be a Eurovision entry. Since it *is* a Eurovision entry, any sane human being can only conclude that you don’t exist. Shouldn’t that be cause for disqualification?

Serbia: Milan Stankovic – Ovo je Balkan

2010-05-16T11:58:00.001+02:00

A Serbian song with the word “Balkan” in the title, if that isn’t a shoe-in for the finale, I don’t know what is. But they sure as hell try to sabotage themselves with this horrid, horrid song. This boy is so shiny they’ll be turning down the lights when he comes on so as not to blind anyone. Chanting “Balkan” in the middle, hip-hop dancing old ladies and a Colgate smile so bright the audience will be getting out their sunglasses. Scary.

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Vukasin Brajic - Lightning and thunder

2010-05-16T11:57:00.000+02:00

What’s going on with my favourite Balkan countries? They’ve used up all their talent in previous years? They couldn’t have sent Deen again? Urgh. Boring epic rock ballad.

Poland: Marcin Mrozinski – Legenda

2010-05-16T11:56:00.002+02:00

Ooh, a very haunting song we have here from Poland. With the right setting, this could do very very well. Or I might just be delusional because of all the hormones. Nevertheless, I think I like it.

Belgium: Tom Dice – Me and My guitar

2010-05-16T11:56:00.001+02:00

The least said about this song, the better. Tom Dice has the charisma of a potted plant and the correct title would be “My guitar and I”. Only we would send someone whose biggest accomplishment is coming second in a “talent show” no-one watched. But hey, who knows. If it does anything at all, we’ll be pretty thrilled.

Albania: Juliana Pasha – It’s all about you

2010-05-16T11:55:00.004+02:00

Oh. Albania, one of my favourite countries. Year after year they bring the crazy performances (ballerinas! Coloured mimes!) or bad Albanenglish lyrics. What’s not to love? This is a very simple up-tempo discobeat song, right up my alley, obviously. The English sounds pretty good, which is a tad disappointing, but this girl is so posh that instead of a hammock, she spans a sofa between two trees in the woods. Apparently. I hope they bring the sofa to Eurovision. And the trees!

Malta: Thea Garrett- My dream

2010-05-16T11:55:00.003+02:00

What? Chiara was busy this year? And can you imagine how bad this is if I’m starting to think it’s a bad thing she’s not here? Come back, Chiara! All is forgiven! I was just typing “if there’s any justice in the world, this piece of horror will sink to the bottom of the pile”, but then on comes the wind machine and the man with the gigantic bird’s wings (and beak, for some reason). Yes! Bring it on, Malta! For this reason alone I’m not making this a toilet break. You won’t get any points from me though, you’ll need a whole Billy Elliot-inspired ballet for that.

Greece: George Alkaeos & Friends – Opa

2010-05-16T11:54:00.000+02:00

µ

Greece certainly knows how to cater to the Eurovision audience. Sakis Rouvas is busy this year? Ok, we’ll send a bunch of men in leather vests for an energetic dance routine, with a pretty crappy song, but who cares... Men! Black leather! I hope this makes it to the final. What can I say, I’m shallow that way. And I want to give my friends something to look forward to after having to sit through Shiny BalkanBoy’s teeth.

Portugal: Filipa Azevedo – Ha Dias Assim

2010-05-16T11:53:00.000+02:00

Girl sings haunting ballad. Walks up to piano. Walks away again. Nearly trips over her high heels. Girl blows out candle. Girl walks back up to piano. Shouting. Keychange. That’s pretty much it. It’s probably Quality with a capital Q, but I can’t wait for leathermen to make an appearance and do the sirtaki.

FYR Macedonia: Gjoko Taneski ft Billy Zver & Pejcin: Jas Ja Imam Silata

2010-05-16T11:52:00.000+02:00

Seriously Macedonia (oh, I’m sorry, FYR Macedonia, before hordes of angry Greeks start pounding on my door), you couldn’t have thought of a catchier group name? Do you really have to mention everyone who had something to do with the song? Apparently so. Lookie here, men with guitars and drums. And an ill-advised rap in the middle of the song! It’s so 2004! AND a guitar solo! It’s the nineties! Here’s a riddle for you, just how many guitars fit on a Eurovision stage? You’ll soon find out.

Belarus: 3 + 2 – Butterflies

2010-05-16T11:51:00.000+02:00

I think this is English... and it’s nice to see young people dress up in suits and dresses for the occasion. The most cheesy Disney powerballad possible, complete with solemn handmovements and solemn stares in the camera. All they need now is some sign language. So bad it will easily make the final. For us it’ll only be justified if they burst into butterflies on stage, like they do in the video. Now that would be cool. The rest of it: urgh.

Iceland: Hera Björk – Je ne sais quoi

2010-05-16T11:44:00.000+02:00

You’d think Iceland would have better things to spend money on than Eurovision, but then you would think wrong! Because Eurovision is The Most Important Thing in the world. And after bankruptcy (well, hello there Greece) and unpronounceable volcano-eruptions, the Icelanders want to give something back to Europe with this song. With a French line. And Classic Eurovision Keychange. That’s how good they are. They even bring out the disco beats. Go Iceland. Throw in a couple of scantily dressed gay boys with an energetic dance routine, and we’ll see about a vote.

Apparently they haven't locked up all the gays . Eurovision 2009 Final!

2009-05-17T15:25:00.006+02:00

Here we are in gay friendly Moscow, for the gayest show of the year! The show starts with the very butch cirque du soleil. These guys probably keep in business because they’re asked for Eurovision opening acts year after year. The Riverdance guys are waiting for your call, Norway! Save them from bankruptcy!
Oops. I just told you who won. Well, you already knew, didn’t you. Yep, the pre-pubescent boy won. He’s 23 they say. 23? It’s the biggest lie about age since Sandra Kim claimed to be 15, or since Cher ... all the time.

So, Cirque du soleil. There’s acrobatics. Some healthy butch male shoulderpatting (we’re expecting the riot police to storm in any minute now to break up these “satanic acts”) and an annoying little kid. Child labour. It’s Daens, the musical, in Moscow.
Oh my god! The old guy we saw flying through the air with a suitcase was actually Dima Bilan! Who’d have thought! And his jacket gets stuck during his clothes change! Fabulous stuff. Dima Bilan, the man who resurrects ballerinas, small kids and walks over water (ice, but let’s not split hairs) now also runs through walls (walls people!) to be able to perform his song for you again. The Russians are so impressed with his wall-breaking talent they show it three times. In slow motion. To us it just proves they’ve got shoddy bricklayers, but alright.
“And I believe in me” he sings humbly and ascends towards the heavens. Or towards the ceiling anyway.
And finally the show can start! With new presenters, thankfully. A woman who’s wearing 20 boas on her dress and the twin brother Zeljko Joksimovic (or Ross From Friends, or Will From Will And Grace).

Lithuania still brings us the same telekinetic piano playing. We debate whether or not he’s gay but don’t reach a consensus. If he is gay, he’s a powerbottom, we do agree (for the definition of a “powerbottom” I’ll refer you to my friend zurcherart). The flame in his hand must hurt, but he doesn’t bat an eyelid, just forces out a whole story in Russian or Lithuanian at the end of his song. Probably his grocery list. “Mum, don’t forget to buy more burn cream!” No need to be so eager, sweetie, it’s not like you’re going to win. -24th

Anja tells us she gets goosebumps from Israel’s song. Try turning up the heating. No, I do love this, though the sofa is divided. “Rubbish” seems to be the winning opinion. The lesbian lovestory has become even more obvious, when Noa now strokes Mira’s cheek. It’s all a plot to get the straight man/lesbian vote. Or a show of support towards the Moscow gays? Or she’s doing it because Mira’s cheeks are babysoft. “It’s Tatu-light” the sofa remarks. Though Tatu never went this far. They end with some drumming on a tin can. When you’re in a warzone, you have to make do with what you can find I suppose. – 16th

France’s Patricia Kaas (whom we shall not mock because she’s a big star and fabulous and intense and stuff) is missing a piece of her frock. Her shoulder is hanging out, it makes raising her arms a hazard because you never know when a nipple is going to pop out and cause a Russian riot. Patricia Kaas, ladies and gentlemen, doesn’t even need a wind machine. No pyros either. And she doesn’t shout anything at the audience. That means she’s one seriously classy lady. -8th

Aaaah Sweden! The light comes from within and lights up the whole arena. If we wire her to a power grid she could solve all our environmental issues! We’ll have to get out our sunglasses, it’s a wonder her backing singers haven’t gone blind yet. It’s all on tape, it has to be, her singing is spot on. Go Sweden! -21st

When we get to Croatia Anja is recycling Andrés comments from Tuesday and thinks we won’t notice. Ha! We’re sad pathetic die-hards, Anja! We notice! And Anja isn’t the only one doing some recycling: the Russians are recyling their postcards from the semi. Cheapskates. Well, there’s an economic crisis I suppose. The lead singer’s legs are wide apart enough to let a horse through. Who knows, the horse might be backstage. It would explain the riding boots. The backing singers still appear to be very horny, it must be the atmosphere in the arena. -18th

We come to the sad realisation that this final features a lot less glitter and gay than we’re used to for Eurovision. Umlaut points out it’s the economic crisis. No glitter here, we can’t afford it anymore.

Kellly Osbourne is representing Portugal and these people are So Very Happy (not Scary Norway Happy, but getting there nonetheless), there must be prozac in the water. The director treats us to a shot of the drummer’s bum. His front might have been too poofy-looking for Moscow and it probably upset them (have you noticed I’m a bit pissed at Moscow’s treatment of gay rights? Hmm... I’m subtle about it, I know). Perhaps the Montenegrin bumshaking was accidental after all! -15th

We enjoy ourselves spotting Fridrik from Euroband in Iceland’s little chorus. “There he is!” “Oh! There he is again!”. Give the girl a better dress and some glitter and the contest would have been yours! But then the country’s bankrupt, so the wardrobe might have been on purpose. “Barbie goes blue” our token straight woman remarks. Yes. And she can also hold a tune. Our straight guy says he likes it “and I haven’t even looked at her breasts yet”. Well, in that case, we’re on to a winner. -2nd.

Shake your bellybutton, Sakis, shake it! Shake it! Greece needs you too. We’re pretty sure his shirt is more unbuttoned now than it was for the semi (he’s making an effort, after all it’s a bigger occasion!) and even the male backing dancers fall at his feet. Male, female, there’s no escape from the power that is the Sakis bellybutton! He is Eurovision royalty! His shaking gets so enthusiastic he flashes us a nipple. The sofa is ecstatic: Sakis for the win!! The straight guy stares at the TV, openmouthed. Sakis sweetie, you were robbed. Robbed! You’ll just have to try again next year. Just keep trying until you win, deal? -7th

The sofa starts one big exodus/smoking break when Armenia comes on. There’s a lot of smoke on stage as well. The girls are sitting on their bridal cake in the middle of a swamp. “It’s a traditional Armenian song” Anja says. “In English” André adds. Er.... Hang on... The dancers are wearing a garterbelt (ha! Eat that, Dita Von Teese)), which is probably also traditionally Armenian. -10th

Russia’s song is about crying after a lost love, “and where else would you go than to your mum” Anja says. “To an ex of course” the sofa adds, but alas, no-one in Eurovisionland is listening, so we’re treated to a lot of images of the same woman, on the backdrop, on stage, she’s everywhere, singing a god awful crappy song. It’s all quite egocentrical really. She’s got no less than five backing vocalists (with towels on their heads), which must mean her singing is pretty bad. Heck, is she even singing? She might just be letting them do all the work! -11th

“Azerbaijan ’s choreography is a bit amateuristic”, André says. André, the Belgian, says this. Note the irony Mr “I’m from a country that’s not got out of the semis once, while these guys are taking part for the second time, none of us know if they’re even really European and they’re heading for a decent score again”. The straight guy perks up when he sees the female lead singer, but the mind (even his) boggles at the costumes. The lead singer has smoke coming out of her arse and a golden leg. Must have been a terrible, terrible accident.... -3rd

Ah, and here comes André’s and my little jewel: Bosnia. “A passionate lovesong” André says. “Oh? It’s not about communism then?”. “The red flag is the symbol of love” he adds. “It is? Seriously, no communism?!”. But we know better than to argue with André so we accept his words as the truth (the gospel of André shall not be doubted) and enjoy this song. Well, I enjoy it, the rest just suffers through it. The Girlfriend wonders if the lead singer will dare to look into the camera this time (no, but who knows, he might be blind) and a debate erupts about whether or not this is plagiarism, because “it sounds an awful lot like Lejla”. Tsk. Heathens. The lead singer is a bit too old for the emo-haircut he’s sporting, I will admit to that. “It’s the Bosnian Rammstein then”, our Straight Guy says. Bosnia, like Sakis, was also robbed tonight. -9th.

An interval with a bunch of Russians, including a policeman/soldier/their uniforms look so alike it’s hard to tell, who sing very offkey. They also only sing Russian classics. I thought the Pet Shop Boys were big in Russia? You couldn’t have treated us to a heavily accented version of “It’s a Sin”, no? Surprisingly no police force shows up to beat up the camera crew. Or the policeman for singing badly.

Moldova’s written the lyrics on her hand. Probably because she has no clue what she’s singing during the English parts. At least we think it’s English. Since we discovered the song was sung in two languages we’re paying extra attention, trying to find out which bits those might be...it’s hard to tell. There’s a lot of “Ha! Ha haaa! Ha! Ha haa!” going on. But it’s all very energetic and smiley and colourful. Extra points for turning up the windmachine when she sings about “all the weends”. What about those Moldovan winds? We never get to find out... it’ll remain a mystery forever. -14th

Urgh. Malta. She’s wearing a dress. It’s a shiny dress, yes. She can sing. “She’d be the ideal studio singer” Straight Superficial Guy says. Was she always this ginger? It’s a song from a Disneyfilm. The woman deserves a better song... there, I said it. Bad luck, Chiara, though you know, you can always try again. But please... let someone else on that tiny island have a go for once! There’s only three of you and you keep hogging the Eurovision ticket! -22nd

“Estonia’s participants are all very young” Anja says. Straight Man immediately perks up. Shockingly enough they’re younger than Norway (well... “officially” anyway – Mr Rybak’s birth records are probably sealed and Top Secret at this stage-) but they look a lot more mature. Girls always grow up faster, don’t they. What a gorgeous song. Shame about the shoes... dreadful dreadful shoes. They should have asked to borrow That Woman From Euroband’s pink high heels from last year. The lead singer is a smiley and sweet Morticia Adams and Anja says “she’s got one of the prettiest eyes of the night”. Er, which one, the right or the left eye? -6th

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ronan Keating’s Denmark is there, flying the ~~Irish~~ danish flag. The real Ronan Keating is a liar, André and Anja disappointedly tell us. He promised he’d come to Moscow if Denmark made it out the semis, but where is he? At home in Dublin, that’s where! Tsk! But we shouldn’t be so harsh, Ronan might be stuck at Heathrow, or detained by the police because he looked too much like a metrosexual. Like the Croatian guy, Brink’s spreading his legs so wide he looks like an octopus and we fear he might pull a muscle. We know you’re trying to make us think you’re well hung, but after seeing what Hungary was packing, it’s going to take a lot to impress us. We wonder if the Danes went looking for a Ronan Keating lookalike or if Ronan Keating just fabricated his very own Danish clone. -13th

Germany bring a piano, a weird sofa, a demure looking black guy, a piano player and a tanned gay gentleman in glitter pants and an open shirt (“Hungary’s back!!” We shout happily). “Dita Von Teese was told to cover up during the dress rehearsal” André tells us. Oh, so no boobs to be expected then. Pity, it’s about the only thing that could save this song. Dita Von Teese’s cameo is the most pointless cameo ever. She’s hardly on camera, save for the last 20 seconds of the song, and then they have to introduce her because otherwise no-one will know who she is. As if the name rings a bell now... I do an Anja when I have to admit “I really don’t get the act”. -20th

Yay, Ha-dee-say for Turkey. The audience goes wild (there must be a lot of Turks in the arena then) and we, for our part, demand more close ups of Ha-dee-say’s stomach. It’s a nice stomach and we deserve to see more of it! Unfortunately the director doesn’t seem to be listening to us as he insists on showing us shots of the arena (“look at us, we have a nice building” – It’s not always about you, Russia! Get over yourselves!). -4th

Albania, her dwarf mimes and glittery spiderman come onstage. Strangely enough Kejsi is not scared by either the dwarf mimes or the guy in the weird glittermask (I know I would be), she even climbs on top of them at one point (it’s good to know they serve a purpose) and she manages to sing fabulously despite all the distractions going on on stage. The man who invented this choreography should be exiled, the poor 17th place is his responsibility.

It’s Clearasil time with Norway, “look at us dancing, we can kick our legs up in the air!”, yet again the gays are stunned in silent admiration. You perverts. My god, Europe, those lyrics! “Years ago when he was younger”, what, in kindergarten? The blonde backing singers in their pink curtains are hilarious: “la la la la la la aaa-aah”. Quit grinning like that, Mr Rybak! If the wind changes your face will be stuck that way and then what will you do! “His eyebrows look mean” The Girlfriend whispers, scared, and they do! They do! They’re the eyebrows of hypnosis, destined to lure you into the song and under his spell, ordering you to grab your phone and text him to victory. But I’m immune to pre-pubescent overly smiley boys so I don’t! It seems like I’m the only one in Europe though... -Winner.

“How we doing Europe??!” the Russians ask us. “We don’t like verbs, apparently” we reply, thus giving the Ukraine time to get their kitchensink strip club decor ready.
Svetlana does the splits and the camera zooms in on her crotch. I suppose she was asking for it... “What are those sluttily dressed Roman soldiers doing there?” a naive soul asks, “they’re there to turn on the gays” we reply, “The gays are turned on by tin foil?” . When the camera zooms in on Svetlana’s face the sofa shrieks, she looks about 80! Yikes! “You are sexy bum” she shouts “You are sexy bum!!”.... we’re scared. -12th

Romania’s Balkan Girls still have their mysterious disappearing-in-the-background-ugly-as-the-night-stepsister. I think she’s got the better end of the deal though, who’d want to be remembered for taking part in Eurovision with this piece of crap? “Nice boobs” Straight Man proclaims. Hmm... could this be the reason for her making the final? The straight men, forced to watch the semi by their wives, who had nothing else to vote for in order to confirm their masculinity? Ooh, riverdance! Ooh, the girls have a group hug! Ooh, I wish this song only lasted 3 seconds instead of 3 minutes! -19th (shame on you, Europe, they should’ve come last)

And ooooooh, be still my heart, it’s Lord Phantom Himself for the UK. “Are they doing that thing with the airplane again?” someone asks. See, UK! See! *Someone* is still missing Scooch! But no Scooch this time, there’s smoke, a staircase, four recycled violinists (We *shall use* our six men on stage even if we don’t need them! We have the right and we’re going to use it!), one of whom nearly sabotages the whole thing by trying to punch Jade off her staircase. Now that would have been funny. But the girl can sing –at the points where she’s not moaning in any case-, despite this dire song, there’s very little bad we can say about it. The Lord doesn’t get a great deal of close-ups and thankfully so. He either wants to remain incognito or he knows his face will scare the little kiddies. Whatever the reason, it’s thoughtful of him. The Russians are starstruck and go wild. I go a little bit wild as well. -5th. (Is this good enough for you, UK?)

I always forget about the awesomeness of Finland until I see it again in all its 90s, fire juggling, baseball-cap-wearing-backwards glory. “Is this the Finnish Eminem then?” Straight Guy asks. It may very well be. I’m liking everything this final, I’m going to have to vote for every single country. But not Malta. Or Romania. –last

And the last song of the evening is for Spain. Spain’s girl is dressed in a figure skating costume, the words “take me” appear on the screen (alright then, if you insist... talk about a powerbottom!) and she’s brought her own gaylords. We’re glad to see they evaded capture by the police this afternoon. They’re strutting about on stage, they skip, she crawls, my hormones are all over the place. Crawl for me, Soraya... you go girl. -22nd

And that’s it for the participants. The Russians show us their beautiful, beautiful venue, filled to the brink with beautiful European gay men. If Putin just locked the door and threw away the key, half his problems would be over. Perhaps that was the idea all along... perhaps he did... those guys may all be stuck there.. going hungry. Send us a sign of life, gay men of Europe!
The Russians also try to crush the gays under some kind of swimming pool (nice try, Putin), we figure they tried to recycle Dima Bilan’s ice rink, but it melted.

Highlights of the voting include Anja being surprised at Malta’s 10 for the UK (come on, Anja, get with the Eurovision politics!), our shock at France giving the UK points (and getting one measly point in return from them), Jari Silanpaa looking bloated (Jealous of the Hungarian, Jari?) and someone who looks like Sandra Kim giving the points for Sweden. Ha! And in Belgium she always says she’s sick of Eurovision. Liar!
And the results:
- Despite Sakis’ unbuttoned shirt and nipple flashing he’s going to have to come back again. With even less clothes, this time?
- I suppose that means we haven’t seen the last of Chiara either. God help us.
- The Lord in fifth place. I wonder if he’s happy with it or throwing a fit.
- Lys Assia is dragged on stage to give the trophey to Norway. The poor woman is probably cryogenically frozen after every Eurovision and then defrosted the year after.

I do think Norway’s the right winner, even if it wasn’t my favourite (it’s hard to argue with more than 100 points difference between the winner and the runner up) and more than anything I’m happy Eurovision is moving back to a queer-friendly place next year. Yay Norway!
I think the jury system works, the points weren’t so easy to predict and I think we got a better (more fair) result than we would have otherwise. Despite that, I also feel this was an unusually strong final. I had about 17 countries I wanted to give points to, while in other years I have to do my best to find the 10 I need.
My personal top 5: 1. Greece (obviously!), 2. Albania, 3. Bosnia, 4. France, 5. UK.
The sofa went for: 1. Sweden, 2. Greece, 3. Finland, 4. Turkey, 5. UK.

Now bring on Eurovision 2010!

Moscow

2009-05-16T11:41:00.000+02:00

bastards

”An act you wouldn’t even see in the sleaziest bars”. Eurovision semi 2

2009-05-15T17:48:00.001+02:00

The show starts with psychedelic accordionversions of Eurovision songs. It’s bad. Seriously. There’s a man playing horse, brandishing a sword and there are women in blue bathrobes. Just when you think it can’t get any weirder on come people in bear suits. Bear suits, people! Both Grizzlies and polar bears, because we don’t discriminate. It’s like Disney on Ice, but without ice – Dima Bilan used it all up last year. And who’s in those suits? I can just imagine them bragging to their friends “I’m taking part in Eurovision this year” and no-one believing them. Murders have happened for lesser reasons, I’m just saying.

Unfortunately Andrey and Natalya –as we discover Mr Grabbyhands and Ms Poofyhair are called, and really what else could they be called?- turn up and they look like they’ve been caught in the blowdrier for two hours. Ms Poofyhair, dressed in a glittery towel, reminds me of the Cindy doll I used to have as a child: I’d brushed and pulled on her hair so often it turned exactly into what Ms Poofyhair is now sporting on her head. And to think… all these years I thought Cindy was gathering mould in my parents’ attic, when she has been presenting Eurovision all along.

Croatia is sending something Julio Iglesias-y, André tells us. Oh, be still my heart. They’ve discovered the technique of turning the wind machine on just one person. It’s uncanny, the thing seems to have it in for her. The Girlfriend predicts he’ll be “expressing the song with his eyebrows”. His eyebrows end up behaving. Unfortunately his vocal chords don’t. He’s wearing riding boots, he’s rugged like that. The girls in the chorus start stroking and touching themselves, Julio’s boots must be turning them on. On comes a clothes change and hey presto! We have two lead singers! This inspires Julio and the girl to start wailing. It’s all very dramatic. We’re not impressed. -Q

Ireland starts with a shot of the most unenthusiast smiley fake drumming ever. “It’s Jem and the Holograms!” someone proclaims. The girls are sooo styled, wearing hip leather gloves, a fashionable rebel’s quiff (is it the year of the quiff I begin to wonder), a punky outfit… oh, it’s all very fake rockchick. Their singing is good. Ooh, and here comes the wind machine! The Girlfriend is warming up to this song… “perhaps I should give it one point”. So generous.

The only thing good we can think of for Latvia (singing about a traffic jam, shouting a word that sounds suspiciously much like “vodka”) are the backing singers’ dresses. It’s all very symmetrical. Impressive. Three songs into this contest and we’re resorting to grumbling, it must be really bad. “Well, he can play with the camera”, Yes, I suppose, “He also has pins on his jacket”. Yes… yes he does. “And a falsetto”. Hmmm. The singer is very tormented about the traffic jam. It must be one Serious Traffic Jam he’s singing about. Anja comments “I thought the girls’ dresses were funny”, André pats her on the head “I thought you would”. That’s a good girl, have a cookie!

Oh, Serbia how I love you. A song about an old shoe brought exactly the way one should bring a song about an old shoe. It’s a difficult concept, but it includes the Magical Quiff (I’m expecting a “Eurovision was sponsored by the Laboratoires Garnier”-statement any time soon), pointy shoes, a leatherboy playing the accordion and a hilarious dance routine. The bald men in the chorus look scary enough to score with a certain segment of the queer population, and the little lego “IT-crowd” backdrop is amazing. Love it!

Wow… impressive fake nails you’ve got going there, Poland. And they had some leftover curtains to dress the backing singers in. Recycling is so very important. The singing … well, the singing is from another planet.The backing dancers try and salvage this horror by getting some random rythmic gymnast to jump through the screen swirling a red ribbon. For no reason I can think of. I mean, it’s not as if the lyrics were screaming for a rythmic gymnast twirling a red ribbon. The lyrics might not be screaming for anything, but the singer is, yikes, and for that matter, so are we: ”think of the children! Please shut up!” And just when you think it can’t get any worse, Poland goes for that last high note. Aaaaaaaaaaagh! Save us!
André’s only comment is “ai ai ai”. How apt.

The boys on the sofa are perking up when they see Norway’s Alexander Rybak. “Well hello there”. The dykes roll their eyes. “He’s too toothy. And too smiley. He forgot his ritalin and overdosed on prozac. And he looks twelve, you perverts”. There’s a beautiful homo-erotic love story when three men pull at each other, but oh no! One of them breaks free and cartwheels over to the female backing singers. He’s converted, he now likes girls! Thankfully the other two still have each other. The message must be “Threeways don’t work”. The pyros make the boys on the sofa protest: “we can’t see him now!”. Honestly. –Q

Ah. The first break. Old Eurovision winners are dusted off and put in front of the camera: The woman from Teach in has the best Dutch accent “Yourovisjion is about sjitting and dansjing”, we wonder if Dana International always had such a big nose, Dima Bilan learned an English sentence by heart and Marija Serifovic has acquired a second chin. The Girlfriend’s dreams are shattered by this last discovery.

And Cyprus does nothing to comfort her. It’s all so fragile, she’s a little elf: she looks like she may come from Norway’s fairytale, but she sounds a little less impressive. “At least Rybak dared to look in the camera” The Gays grumble, still sore that we didn’t join their Fiddler-worship. But this girl looks so young and fragile that we don’t dare make fun of her too much. Though we do miss Lordi’s monsters. They could eat her for breakfast. And use her little friends as toothpicks. But we don’t think that. Even if the song seems to last four hours. And puts us to sleep. Not us!

Anja does nothing to help my stereotyping of her by saying the Slovakian girl is wearing a nice dress. Anja, sometimes you make it too easy for me! We’re taking bets on whether or not they’re going to be singing in tune. The “no” camp is winning. The male singer comes on, sporting a casual “I haven’t had time to shave”-“just out of bed look” that probably took the Russian hairdressers five hours to accomplish (and those guys are already overworked with the mega quiffs) and they procede in trying to break glass with the high notes. It makes us miss Tuesday’s Czech Republic’s performance, and that’s saying a lot.
By this point we’re noticing a new pattern in this year’s Eurovision: trying to suck up to the audience by shouting inane stuff like “Thank you Moscow, “We love you, Europe” and crap like that. Preferably in Russian. Did it ever work? No. Then why do it?

The Russians let us know that “Ded Moroz” means “Santa Claus” in Russian. What this has to do with Eurovision I don’t know. These postcards are getting weirder by the minute.
And lookie here, Denmark is sending “I can’t believe it’s not actually Ronan Keating!” singing a song written by none other than the actual Ronan Keating. “Does anyone still care about Ronan Keating?” one could ask, but apparently Anja and André do, gushing about the fact that Ronan promised to come to Russia if this song made the final. Spare me. The best thing about this song is the fact that the Russians seem to have miss-spelled Ronan Keating’s name. They credit him as “Ronan Keeting” in the little info-box. Brilliant! There’s a lot of smoke (which unfortunately doesn’t lead to a big coughing fit), probably meant to “Set a Mood”. Yes, set a mood for boredom. Brinck seems unable to close his legs, it’s pretty scary. And then he falls to his knees… sigh. It’s not impressive, Brinck, really. If you don’t have an ice skating rink, don’t bother. He ends his song with a very butch punch in the air. The horror! And that for Eurovision! Thankfully the next shot is of a bunch of Danish gays ecstatically waving their flag about. -Q

We come to the realisation that it’ll be hard to find 10 finalists at this rate. Mr Grabbyhands and Miss Poofyhair went for another visit to the hairdressers, their hair is even bigger than it was before. Or it might just be a natural phenomenon with all the wind machines in the neighbourhood. We ponder their relationship further, perhaps Grabbyhands keeps pulling her close because she’s drunk and she’ll fall over if he doesn’t? Her bodylanguage is screaming “piss off” and we think she forces out a few French words. In no particular order. We don’t think she’s actually forming a sentence, but who knows.

Ah, Slovenia with the shadowplay. Been there, done that. “Perhaps she’s too ugly to come from behind the screen” someone wonders. “Perhaps she’s agoraphobic, we shouldn’t mock these things” and we wait… and wait… and still no singing… we keep waiting…. Oooh, people with instruments are coming from behind the screens! Hurray!….. no singing…. Wait for it…. Wait for it… and finally! Out she comes, dressed in a flesh coloured curtain, she opens her mouth and already we miss the blessed minute where she just stood quietly behind her screen. “Spazzzzzzibaaa” she shouts at the end of it all. Or something like it. Whatever. I hope that was Russian for “I’m sorry”.

Hungary, ladies and gentlemen, goes for no less than two clothes changes in about 20 seconds! Way to go, Zoli! Yay gayness! This guy makes Deen look butch. And not only that, but he is packing. He is! He either borrowed Jari Silanpaa’s cockring, he stuffed a sock in there or he is one popular boy in the Moscow night clubs. His singing is bad, but his lisping is the cutest. He deserves 12 points just for being gay in Hungary. You go, boy!

Azerbaijan makes us worry if there is anyone in this whole contest who will manage to stay in tune. Apart from Rybak then. Perhaps there’s a problem with the monitors. There must be some excuse for this, right? God, the girl keeps winking at us. Cut it out, it’s scary! Out of nowhere the guy starts playing the banjo. Or the ukelele. Something small and guitar-like in any case. There’s pyro! Windmachine! Well they do sing they’re “on a mountain high”, it gets windy there. -Q

André tells us Sakis Rouvas from Greece is a half-god in Eurovisionland. Excuse me, Andre?? Pardon me ? Sakis is nothing less than a GOD, thank you very much. Ah, and Sakis left his little polo shirt open a bit, he knows how to cater to his audience. We wonder why the little polo shirt is so wide, but then Sakis starts shaking his… his everything and the shirt rides up, showing us a glimpse of Sakis-bellybutton. There we go, that’s the Sakis we know and love! The Greeks have a fantastic accent “Get reed of the old, take a hold and be free”. The conveyor belt prop is glittery, it allows Sakis to do a fabulous moonwalk and turns into a stapler at the end (the prop, not Sakis). It’s fantastically multifunctional. Someone comments he seems to have a bit of an ego, ascending like he does, at the end of the song. Hush it, at least he managed to hit his high note. He deserves all our respect for that! –Q

“It won’t be a hit” a spoilsport says. “No… unlike “Believe” someone else replies.

The Lithuanian sits at his panio and looks a bit sickly. This semi final is a bit meh if you ask me. “Well, the décor is nice” someone remarks. And by god, Sasha suddenly gets up and walks away from the piano… but the piano keeps playing!! How is it possible?! Meanwhile my gaydar is pinging like mad and I’m trying to keep myself entertained. Why do backing singers in Serious Ballads either wear curtains or slutty short dresses? Is there no middle ground? And not only does Sasha have telekinetic piano playing abilities, he can also make fire in the palm of his hand (scary. Seriously scary) and shows off his linguistic skills by mumbling what appears to be a sentence in Russian. A sentence! The others had the decency to stick to a few words, you bloody overachiever. -Q

Where is Moldova anyway? I wonder about it every year, and then I look it up and forget all about it. Apparently Heidi aus Tirol is from Moldova, and she’s wearing the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen folk dancers wear. If the kids at the local folk dance group here (yes, we do have one) were allowed to wear outfits like this, folkdancing would be a whole lot more popular! Of course this is folk dancing in the gale of a wind machine, that’s a whole different category. -Q

Albania up next. Enthusiasm! Wind machine! Fantastically stupid silly dance song! The costumes are beyond ridicule… far far beyond. She’s dressed in a ballerina mini skirt, there are two guys made up like mimes, and a man in a green bodysuit and glitter mask. You have to see it to believe it. “They should have explained the costumes and the act” someone says, “Or she should have sung in English. Perhaps she’s explaining it in the lyrics”, someone else replies. Erm…sweetie… that *is* English. –Q (yay!)

Shots from the green room in the break. The Slovakian guy does not look sober.

Anja tells us “the Ukraine brings us an act you wouldn’t even see in the sleaziest bars”. André explains that Svetlana was on holiday in India while composing this song and got licked by a holy cow. And then she knew she had to take part in Eurovision. Wow. The things a holy cow can do: Svetlana is dressed like a cheap prostitute and throws everything but the kitchen sink at her “performance”, or no, let me rephrase that, if there was a kitchen sink to be thrown, she’d have thrown two. Her men are dressed like sex-slave centurions (the Romans, not the cylons) and at one point she stops pole dancing and gyrating her hips long enough to sit down behind a drum kit draped in Ukrainian flags. And long live the wind machine! “Perhaps we should take flags on stage next year” I offer. Everyone stares at me “Like that would help us…” – Q

The postcard that comes before Estonia tells us Gagarin means gagarin. Que? It might be a Russian joke (newsflash! The Russians have humour! But then they’ve already proven that with their opening and interval acts…). Thankfully Estonia is a breath of fresh air. Someone told the lead singer to smile at the camera, which she does, and the wind machine kicks in right at the start. It must be nice to play an instrument or be a member of a band at Eurovision. You basically have to stand or sit there and do a decent impression of pretending to play. Lots of camera time, zero stress. Perhaps that could be my role in one of the upcoming contests. Just hand me a banjo or something. –Q

Finally we’re at the end with The Netherlands. This semi was so bad that I’m actually loving them! Gordon put glitter in his hair and is more gay than I remembered.Their outfits are shiny. Shiny. It’s the Dutch version of a pun, I’m sure of it. “Look at our suits, they’re shiny… like the song. Get it? Get it?” Loving their backing singers, loving the “wave your handsh in the air” moment, and the song is so over the top they don’t even NEED a wind machine. Take that, all you other losers! Gordon is clearly having the time of his life and it makes me smile and actually sing along “Sjiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! Sjiiiiiiiiiiinie! Sjiiiiiiiiine!”. Anja says the Toppers brought half of Holland with them (the other half are still in Antwerp) and André quips “a song with a message”.

Ah, the voting. Mr Grabbyhands grabs Miss Poofyhair by the arse: “Wote! Wote! Wote!” they shout. “Don’t! We’re not allowed to vote in this semi! You’ll just waste your money” A&A shriek.
The interval act is one mega folkdancing festival. It’s boring. Backstage must be huge, half of Russia seems to be onstage. Finally Svante “presses his magic button” (yes, he actually says that, the pervert) and we find out who qualified.
“Be my valentine” Mr Grabbyhands tells Poofyhair when the Ukraine gets their ticket to the final. “I’m already taken” she’s quick to reply. Ha! You go girl!
“Oooh, this dress is too tight” she goes “It’s just very hot” he replies. I’m sorry, what is going on here? Get a room!
“What country you want? What country you want?” Poofyhair and Grabbyhands shout at the audience. “We want presenters who actually speak English!” we shout back.
“Don’t touch my face, you’ll ruin my make up” Poofyhair snaps at Grabbyhands. Finally! Only took you two semis!

This semi was in one word… trying. But at least Sakis got through. And Albania. And Estonia. And *all* of Scandinavia. All of them. No country gets left behind in the north, people!
Looking at the draw I’m thinking France is probably doomed and I wonder… should I get excited about the final? I’ve seen it all before after all… but who knows. Perhaps there’ll be extra wind machine action.Let’s hope so.

"The Russians weren't as difficult as we were told they'd be". First Eurovision Semi Final.

2009-05-13T11:34:00.004+02:00

The Russians weren't as difficult as we were told they'd be. First Eurovision Semi Final.

Oooh Anja is back in the commentatorseat next to André. I can just imagine them cuddled up together. Him on the sofa, she on the little mat at his feet. Bless.
Russia starts the show with two of the loudest presenters yet. Sweeties, you’re wearing a microphone, there is NO NEED TO SHOUT. Their accents are so heavy none of us understand a word of what they’re saying.
Those annoying scary twins (“It’s The Shining!” someone shrieks) who once won the Junior Song Contest in matching pink frilly dresses are flying through the venue on a swan (I’m not kidding), they probably had a massive fight over who got to ride up front. Suddenly there’s colour and they’re standing on stage next to Mama and Papa presenter. They look like they’re all wearing a bridal gown, including the very male Tiny Mulletman presenter. It’s one big wholesome happy Russian family. “No gays here!”

Finally the torture is over and a whole new torture can begin:

Montenegro! And already we’ve got the first marcelleke ~~tank top for guys~~ of the evening, how’s that for a great start. Halfway through the song Andrea is tired and sits down on a chair that just happens to be on stage for no real purpose. Her little dancerboy (the one who has to “get out of her, out of her, out of her bed”) doesn’t stop smiling and shaking his bum at the camera. He shakes his bum at the camera (with zoom and everything) at least (!) four times. This is not a subtle way to get the gay vote, Montenegro! (It’s also four of the only decent camerashots in this whole contest. Get your act together, Moscow) He’s one of the gayest dancers in this contest which makes for a rather unbelievable lovestory between these two.
André pretends he’s unaffected by the bum-shaking by saying “that wasn’t very impressive, was it”. It wasn’t??! We were very impressed trying to figure out if he was wearing underwear, I’m just saying, priorities…

Anja –ever so helpful Anja- says the guy from Czech Republic, the one in superhero costume, likes his costume so much he never takes it off. Ew. And thanks for the contribution, Anja. Where would we be without that information? There’s an ill advised rap in the middle of the song. Why? As a matter of fact, why even send this song? The only thing vaguely entertaining about it is trying to find out whether or not the lead singer’s moustache is real. The votes are split: half of us think it’s a fake theatre moustache, the other half think he saved for years to get this Freddie Mercury-thing going. “They’re going to win!” the sofa proclaims after three minutes of open-mouthed staring. Of course they are.

And then we arrive at the winner. Our very own Belgium.What magic! What bliss! A true feast for the ears and eyes! Well, at least the guys pretending to play instruments look like they’re having fun. They’re probably the only ones. Our guy looks incredibly scary up close, like he’s been living on a diet of vodka and cigarettes and hasn’t slept in days (probably all true) and all of us hide behind the sofa cushions in shame. We’re sorry Europe, next time we won’t play pretend-Elvis anymore! We’ll probably send something infinitely worse.
“That’s nice” André says. Yes, it’s nice that it’s over.

Thankfully Belarus saves us from the crazy with … more crazy. Better coiffed crazy! The Big Eurovision RockShow With Windmachine And Smoke ™! One of the guitarists, fighting against the blaze of the wind machine, had his hair stuck in waffle iron. I swear my hair was done the exact same way for my Holy Communion. Of course I was 11 and it was 1992, I believe those count as mitigating circumstances. The other’s hair has so much hairspray on it it doesn’t move an inch, despite the massive force of the wind machine. The Russians treat us to numerous shots of the venue. I believe they’re saying “look! We can fill a stadium unlike all you loser hosts before us!”. I suspect the KGB probably *ordered* people to attend, but that’s another story.

Sweden’s girl is so very very blonde and bathes in light, it looks like the light comes from within her and she’s one second away from heavenly ascension. Or it could be like Cocoon, when the old people transform. (Eat that, Holland, with your stupid hand-lights! Our Girl can light up her whole body. “The whole world will be lighted” indeed) “Female backing singers in a suit always score since Marija Serifovic”, the Girlfriend happily sighs. (Q)

The Armenians seem to have lit a fire on stage, as the smoke is overwhelming. They’re also shooting laserbeams from their hands. And they have braids. And a dance routine. Anja says this is the “first good thing of the evening”. We’re just bemused. Meh. (Q)

And we’re on to our first break. Anja does her bit for inter-European relations by saying “the Russians weren’t as difficult as we were told they’d be”. Unite Unite Europe! And “there are 24 cameras here tonight”. Fascinating stuff! Shame the director can’t figure out which ones to use then.

And on we go with the fabulously off-key Andorran version of Gerri Halliwell. She’s dressed in a pillow case with big sleeves. Long live the Vanessa Chinitor fashion statement. Not even the wind machine can save this song. But boy, does it try, they’ve set it to “hurricane”.. probably hoping she’ll fly offstage. The Girlfriend sighs something about girls with guitars. Perhaps I should contemplate getting one….

I had such high hopes for Switzerland’s britpop but it falls flat on its face. One of the guys starts headbanging before the tape even starts, showing us this is going to be rock music. Or something like it. “Mind your posture! Stand up straight” the mother in me shouts at the television. What is it with these “rock” dudes who think it’s “cool” to ruin their posture and their spines by bending over so far they look like they’re talking to a bunch of deaf toddlers? It’s not cool, kids, don’t do it.

Since Hadise is taking part for Turkey we have to pronounce her name as Ha-dee-say. Back in the day when she took part in Belgian pop idol we just called her “Hadeeeees”, but ok. There’s big hair! Pyrotechnics for no apparent reason! Not a lot of clothes! Shackles on the girls’ feet (and quite rightly so, know your place, women!), a guy they seem to have plucked off the street (why is he not wearing anything that remotely resembles what the girls are wearing?) and finally a decent shirtless dancer who looks like a model for Studio Garnier. “Instantly impressive hair! Fearless in the face of a windmachine” (Q)

Israel is all harmonies and “we love each other really” and “we didn’t mean to blow you up” and “sorry for stealing your land” and rainbows and kittens. Surprisingly enough I don’t find it nauseating, I quite like it even. The Girlfriend discovers a lesbian lovestory in the act: Noa (obviously the Master in the relationship, judging by her S&M outfit) and Mira are singing to each other, holding hands, a symbol for a love torn apart by hate and bombs. It ends with them skipping off towards the sunset. And a weird drum sequence with absolutely no purpose. It is Eurovision after all. (Q)

Bulgaria brings us the Classic Eurovision Trainwreck™ and how I love them for it. Thank you, Bulgaria! Stiltwalkers who play helicopter with each other, costumes designed by the colourblind, a lead singer in a knight’s costume with cape (yes, I’m absolutely serious here), a man dressed in just ribbons, a mullet brought to a new dimension and basically a riddle to find out how all these costumes and themes are connected. Add a falsetto to that, mega-wind machine action and the unprecedented lyrical quality of “gimme gimme your touch, showme showme your love” and by god, you have a winner in Piglet’s Eurovision Song Contest! I love you, Bulgaria!

Iceland got their inspiration from Avatar’s waternation as the girl is dressed in a horrible blue frilly frock and the backdrop for her song is the sea, with a sailboat passing by and at one point even a dolphin. A dolphin! The Girlfriend bets Yohanna probably has a dolphin tattoo somewhere, “the little rebel”! Nevertheless, the ballad is decent, very well sung, boring as hell, but ok… the fact that Fridrik from Euroband (waaaah!) is in the chorus is a consolation to me. I’m thinking Fridrik will become the new Chiara, he’ll just keep coming back to Eurovision till he brings the prize home. (Q)

FYR Macedonia (as I don’t dare write “Macedonia” since I got told off by a bunch of Greeks about it “Macedonia is ours! Hands off you ex-yugos”) sends two poodles who think they’re singing a rock song. They’re obviously in the wrong hall then, this is Eurovision, you idiots! André says something like “And that was the Macedonian entry”. Damn you, André, it’s “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia”, try and keep up! I’m predicting strained relations between Greece and Belgium from now on.

On to Romania’s crappy entry. The girls are dressed in seaweed and one of them looks uncannily like Ha-dee-say. Two minutes into the song we discover a backing singer (probably the one doing all the singing) far far away in the background. She’s dressed in the same colours as the backdrop. “You, go and stand overthere! And try to blend into the background! You’re not pretty enough for this contest!” Eurovision can be cruel. (Q)

Finland! Fire ! Skimpily dressed girls ! The biggest nineties throwback ever, including a lead singer with his baseball cap on …backwards (The rebel!) and shirtless men waving sticks on fire. The girls are basically just standing about looking slutty and botoxed. I decide they deserve points just for the firehazard. And apparently (according to the straight girls/gay boys on the sofa) for the nicely waxed pecs of the fire-jugglers. Alrighty then. (Q)

Anja tells us the Portuguese singer just “radiates Portugal”. My god, I hope that’s a figure of speech. And if she does, then Portugal looks a bit gloomy, seeing as she’s dressed in a black frock and black tights. But thankfully Portugal threw together a group of the gayest men they could find and handed them each an instrument (“you don’t have to play for real, don’t worry about it”), so we get a glimpse at the gayest way ever to play the banjo and the drums. The men are smiling beatifically at the camera. Play that mini-banjo, sweetie! (Q)

And then we get to Malta’s snoozefest. Haven’t we heard this song before? Yes, twice before actually. And she’s probably even wearing the same dress. Yes, Chiara knows how to belt out a song. Blablabla…boring. Boring. Boring. See you in 2011, Chiara! (Q)

Bosnia&Herzegovina sends us an ethnic ballad with a windmachine sung by a very tortured looking Herr Flick. I love you, Bosnia, I do. Unfortunately I’m the only one in the house who does. Cretins! Heathens! At least André and I are fans. (Q)

And that’s it for the contestants. On come Mr and Mrs Shouty Grabbyhands (he can’t let go of his co-presenter) and the Big Russian Intervalact. It’s a doozy. (Have a look here if you think you can handle it).
In order to show us their friendly face Russia first shows us a list of all the things they’ve won in the past year, they’re ever so humble. There’s something with an iceskating rink and a mullet, then something with icehockey, some beautypageant.
And then, all in the nature of friendship, one of their army choirs goes on stage to mime Russian classics (I’m a sucker for Russian choirs, but let’s keep it quiet), there’s some folkdancing and they show they’re trendy with a couple of ~~American~~ Russian cheerleaders and those faux-lesbian-hasbeens Tatu. It’s every cliché under the sun and I’m loving it. To top it all of, the show ends with a bright blue airplane that’s wheeled on stage (“we have planes and we’re watching you”) and a pink (pink!!) little tank. Russia: the best combination of war and showbizz you’ve ever seen. I’m thinking they’ll show us a nuclear warhead in the interval act for the final.

I can’t wait for Thursday. Bring on the next semi! I’m ready for it.

Eh?

2009-05-11T18:25:00.001+02:00

Patrick Ouchène is apparently great at talking out of his arse!

One of the few comic acts of the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest comes from Belgium. The experienced rockabilly singer Patrick Ouchène has taken on the character of a crazed Elvis impersonator, blaming Elvis for stealing his style.

“It's really funny,” Patrick says. “But there's also a message behind it. In Belgium, there are some political problems between the French speaking people and the Flemish ones. The cat is the symbol of Belgium and the team consists of members of both parts of the population, so we represent the united Belgium.”