On Conchita Wurst (oh, and the second Eurovision semi...)

When you hear "the woman with the beard" you immediately think "joke entry", don't you? 
I know I did. Or at least a gimmick.
I thought she would be singing an over the top up tempo song (which I would have loved) and -more importantly- that she wouldn't be able to carry a tune. But the feathers, sequins, wind machine and back up dancers would make up for that.
Right?

Wrong.

That girl can sing. 
If there's anything Conchita Wurst showed Europe (and me) it's that she's a singer with a good (oldfashioned) song who can sing better than anyone else on that stage tonight. 
And that the fact that she's a drag queen, with a beard, with whatever gender expression, is beside the point.

It's not about being a woman with a beard. It's about being a singer with a song. 
And that is a Very Big Thing.
 
/emo rant. 
(and if she doesn't place top ten on Saturday it will NOT be about her performance)

Oh yes, sorry, other things about tonight's show.
Were there any other things?

Well, it was "Forget Your Bra"-day at Eurovision today. 

We're saying goodbye to:
- Israel: who slightly underwhelmed me on stage. No matter how sexy Hebrew sounds.
- High As A Kite Georgia. "Why not bring a parachute onstage?" "alriiiiiight!"
- Lithuania: insert bad joke about not grabbing our attention
- Ireland By Numbers: been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and sent us a cheap knock-off. In a very ugly dress. Seriously. What was up with that dress??
- Macedonia: and more importantly Macedonia's Sister. Who looked very nice. Very nice indeed. I love a woman in a suit. Slightly less so if said suit is cut like a Sue Sylvester Tracksuit.

Thrilled to be seeing again:
- SWITZERLAND!!!
- AUSTRIA! 
Honestly? I would have burnt stuff down had these two not made it.
Loved Slovenia and the worst flute playback ever.

Party time with Greece and Romania (who impressed me, despite my reservations)
Norway was a bit droopy, but alright, based on the CD you get a second chance.
Finland? Er... alright then. 
Poland: see, I get that the song is catchy, but I cannot for the life of me look past the soft porn. I'm embarrassed, I just want them to cover up before they catch a cold. 

And Really Europe? Belarus? Really???

Eurovision 2014: Semi 2 preview

Now what's going on, Piglet, you might ask.  Where are the days of the one country per post with videos and links and bullet points and things? You seem to be taking things a little... well, easy...
I’m sorry. I really am. But life is what's going on.
Actual real life. Three boys under four, for one. A fulltime job, is another thing.
Interrupted sleep. Snotty noses. Lawns to be mowed. Fairs to be gone to. Zoos to be seen. Philosophical questions to be answered "But mummy, if an elephant stepped on a sea urchin, who would survive?". I have to show up for work most days and try and be productive. And in between all of that I'm trying to convert my boys to the magic of Eurovision.
The youngest is still in the reflexes-only stage, he just wants boobs (which Eurivision generally provides). The second loves dancing, so that's pretty much in the bag, if it weren't for all the ballads. The oldest gets annoyed that he doesn't understand what anyone is singing, since it's in English. Or something like English. So he requires some work still.
Though I've gotten him as far as to agree when I ask him if he likes the Pet Shop Boys. Ha! (upon hearing some of the songs, “But mummy, is that the Petshieboys again?”)
But on with the show.
 

 Malta: Firelight – Coming Home

Oh good god, world war I, is it?  I’m just about ready to destroy this song and the video, but then it’s this folky thing… obviously Malta wants to follow up on last year’s success with something uplifting and fun. Not sure about the bridge, but the rest of it is one foot tapping, leg jumbling, clap along melody of fabulousness. With poppies in the background. Douze points from Belgium I should think. And the Brits.

Israel: Mei Finegold – Same Heart

Song two and is it just me or is this semi turning out to be the best of the two, by far?  There’s a lot of eyeliner, boobs, no pants and a woman wielding a sword. In our house we call that “fun for the whole family!”. And yes, the traditional switch to Hebrew!! Oh, Israel, you seldom disappoint. Not exactly a song about unity and friendship and butterflies this one, but I *love* it. But I guess I’m not a unity-friendship-and-butterflies-girl.

Norway: Carl Espen – Silent Storm

Could other countries please try and lay off the heartfelt sweet ballads when that’s our angle? I mean, seriously, we’re fucked enough as it is (and not in a good way).
Yes, thank you Norway. That was lovely. Unfortunately.

Georgia: The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes to Earth

Folky Shit 2.0. I’m all for it, it’s in my job description, but this is a bit forgettable. Kudos for the absolutely weird video clip these people have thought up though. It’s like being high at a folk festival. An airplane, a concrete background, grass, fake snow, slowmo dance moves, at least they’re doing all they can to keep us interested.

Poland: Donatan and Cleo – My Slowianie- We are Slavic

Basically  the Polish version of “The Balkan Girls they like to party like to party like nobody” (yes, I remember that lyric, and no, that’s not because it was so good. Bloody annoying piece of crap). The video is so over the top, it’s basically soft porn. I can only hope that it was meant to be ironic: one big joke from Poland that the leaves the rest of Europe in shock and Poland laughing at us going “they think we’re serious with this crazy misogynistic stuff”. I hope. But then again, when confronted with a scary big guy in sunglasses and a baseball cap, you can never really be sure.

Austria: Conchita Wurst – Rise like a phoenix

If a contestant can get certain lawmakers in certain countries so hot and bothered that they’re proposing a ban of the contest because it promotes “sodomy”,  how can you not love her? And really, they’re worried about a drag queen with a beard (as if there haven’t been drag queens before) when they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the boob and ass-fest that was –hopefully ironic- Poland?! Go on, “promoting sodomy”, Conchita (looking gorgeous beneath the beard), though I’d be lying if I said I was crazy about your song (heard it one too many times before, usually in Bond Soundtracks) and I’m a bit nervous about you hitting those high notes live. But just for spooking the ignorant, you need to go to the final.

Lithuania : Vilja Matacuunaite - Attention 

If I have to read one more participant profile where people claim to have been “singing before they could talk” or “dancing before they could walk” I’m going to start throwing things. Really now? Really? No. You were drooling before you could talk and before you could walk you only managed to move forward on your butt, so stop lying and claiming otherwise, random contestants of singing/dancing competitions and –apparently- Eurovision!
I hope they’ve done some polishing because on the video the act and song just look messy and that’s really the most I can say about this. Nah. Meh. It doesn’t grab my (wait for it) .. attention.
(I’m so hilarious, it’s unbelievable)

Finland: Softengine – Something better

Finland brings us the nice, decent rock song of the evening. In our house that’s usually the toilet break. I don’t know about this. Stadium chants (and worse “clap along” moments) usually bomb in Eurovision, and this is coming from someone who still weeps over the fantastic “Mala Dama” and the way it sunk unnoticed to the bottom of the Eurovision Pool. You’ll have to do something to make it stand out in our minds and I’m not sure what that could be.

Ireland: Can-Linn (ft Kasey Smith) – Heartbeat

And after the nice, decent rock song, we have the nice decent pop song-with-folky-elements that is one kind of Eurovision By Numbers (one of the kinds I love. But then who am I kidding, there are few versions of Eurovision By Numbers that I dislike). Yay, Ireland.

Belarus: Teo – Cheesecake

Another contestant singing about cake? Has this turned into a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous?
For some reason this song really rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not just the sexist video (fast forward to 2.20 so you don’t have to listen to this crap), it’s everything. I really have no patience for this drivel. Hope you booked your return ticket for the Friday, Teo.

FYR Macedonia: Tijana – To the Sky

Ha! No economic crisis is going to stop you from taking part, is it, my dears?! Let’s say the video, shot in part in a some sort of fetish shed (where is this place one might ask?!), seems to be aimed at a certain demographic, the hot blonde with the haircut is aimed at another, and the song isn’t half bad. Gone are the days of sending a bleating sheep and still getting to the top 10, but they have a shot at the final with this one.

Switzerland: Sebalter – Hunter of Stars

This song makes me happy. I love it. I’d be happy with a win for Switzerland, or at the very least a great big summer hit. My blondest son is shaking his little bum at the song and asking me to dance, so I’m taking that as a good sign. (I don’t trust my eldest’s judgement (“Is that Pet Shop Boys again?”) he seemed to have a thing for Engelbert Humperdinck back in the day) .

Greece: Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd – Rise Up

Again, with the “featuring”. Is it too much to ask to be a part of the band you’re coming to Eurovision with?  You’ve got to love Greece though, crisis or no crisis, here they are. Thankfully they’ve got their priorities straight. And I like this little silly song. It’s simple, it’s pop, it’s danceable. It should qualify and do well. Oh crap. I’ve just typed this and the rap comes on. People of Eurovision, rap in dance songs (in this format anyway) hasn’t been done well since the 90s. And even then it was questionable. Why must we repeat this year after year after bloody year? It adds nothing to the song, even though, yes, I’m very glad you’ve left Stereo Mike at home this year. Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd… who thinks up these names? #oldwomanalert

Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac – Round and round

Like a record baby, round, round, round, round! No? Oh no… it’s a ballad. Or no, it’s not. Well, whatever it is, it *is* bilingual. I love me some bilingualism at Eurovision. The video features Drumming in Extreme Circumstances, a woman in a suit and something arty. That’s good enough for me.

Romania: Paula Seling &OVI – Miracle

Ovi, the man who’s so great you have to write his name using CAPITAL LETTERS only. And the prize for crappy badly sung duet of the evening goes to Romania. Congratulations, Paula!

(and thank the flying spaghetti monster for not putting Belgium in *this* semi)

FYR Macedonia: Kaliopi – Cmo I belo

No country has suffered more from the reinstatement of the juries than FYR Macedonia. Used to be they could send a farting sheep (and often times I hoped they had instead of the drivel they did send) and still get into the final. Not so anymore. So they’ve gone the “intense” route this year. Unfortunately I can’t say I’m convinced. I get the feeling this will be horribly off key, which should provide us with some entertainment at least. Meh.

FYR Macedonia: Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

I was just going to say that this Semi-final was on a roll (I was even going to add a shout out of “yeah baby!”, it was all going to be terribly embarrassing) until the singer started. So that means after some 10 excellent seconds, the song is all but ruined. No. I wouldn’t go that far, but after a frankly fantastic start... the rest is just... a bit meh. Meh, with bombastic folk singing and dancing however, so there is that.

FYR Macedonia: Gjoko Taneski ft Billy Zver & Pejcin: Jas Ja Imam Silata

Seriously Macedonia (oh, I’m sorry, FYR Macedonia, before hordes of angry Greeks start pounding on my door), you couldn’t have thought of a catchier group name? Do you really have to mention everyone who had something to do with the song? Apparently so. Lookie here, men with guitars and drums. And an ill-advised rap in the middle of the song! It’s so 2004! AND a guitar solo! It’s the nineties! Here’s a riddle for you, just how many guitars fit on a Eurovision stage? You’ll soon find out.

FYR Macedonia - Next Time - Neshto Shto Ke Ostane

FYR Macedonia shocked the union last year by sending total crap and NOT making it to the final. Barely, but still, no final. This time they’ve sought to remedy that by sending… completely different crap. No slutty girls, no fake-rappers, no… rock, the “Brian May would like his hair back”-type. They might as well be Finnish.

Cyprus, FYR Macedonia and Portugal

Cyprus sends Evdokia Kadi with Femme Fatale, a song in Greek about … well, about a femme fatale probably. There’s no way to know for sure because I don’t speak Greek, they could be singing their shopping list. It does sound quite sexy though. The Cypriots have something with French titles it seems after they sent Evridiki last year with “comme ci comme ça”. Now allow me to rant for a second about how Evridiki should’ve made it to the final. She should have, it wasn’t fair, I tell you, it wasn’t fair. And you know what, this song should make it to the final as well. I think it’s funny, it’s original, there’s a woman being adored by a bunch of –probably- gay men on their knees, there’s a clothes change and who knows, there might even be a fire/desire rhyme… only in Greek.



FYR Macedonia has always qualified from the Semi-Final and that’s not always on merit, sometimes it was (Tose Proeski –ESC 2004), sometimes it just boggled the mind (Mojot Svet -ESC 2007). They’re one of the countries that could send a farting sheep and still make the top ten. This year –despite the absence of a farting sheep (I didn’t say it was a necessity, did I)- they should do so again even though they send a “genre” (Eurovisioned pop-rap) that doesn’t usually do well at Eurovision. Tamara, Vrčak & Adrijan sing Let me love you, a song about love or sex depending on which gender is talking. But at least they’re enthusiastic about it. The whole thing looks rather messy (they’re too cool not to be messy), the “rappers” seem to forget their whole macho act once they start dancing (which is nice) and there’s a lone backing singer who apparently failed at dance class because he just stands behind the microphone looking lost. Or perhaps he’s too cool to be all choreograph-y and stuff. That’ll be it. I just hope these guys don’t do too well, because I’m not in the mood for 43 R&B/rap songs in next year’s contest. I think I’d even prefer 43 turkeys.



Portugal ends our second semi final. They're sending Vânia Fernandes with Senhora Do Mar (Negras Águas) . A catchy title if ever I heard one. It means “lady by the sea” which makes sense once you start thinking about it. This is Bombastic Ballad number 250 and it’s another beauty. You can tell from the music and Vania’s facial expressions that this is Tragedy with a capital T. She’s miserable and it’s probably something to do with a guy. Fantastic! Portugal generally does bad at Eurovision but that’s mainly because they’ve hardly ever sent anything decent. Two recent examples? Amar (2005) and Coisas de nada (2006). For some reason there’s not a decent video clip to be found of this song, so it loses some of its power in the bad sound, but hey… if she can pull off the high notes live, she deserves a place in the final.


And that’s it for the second semi-final.
Of these 19 songs 10 will qualify to join the top 10 from the other semi and the 5 automatic qualifiers in the Grand Final. From those 25 songs the winner will be chosen. It’ll either be a Bombastic Ballad, a turkey, a political conspiracy vote or a trashy dance song -probably something to do with the devil-. I can’t wait.
Still to come: Spain, the UK, Germany, France and Serbia. Well, and the actual shows of course.