Eurovision final recap

And we start the show with the whole of Azerbaijan on stage. Or at least it seems that way. They show the building of the arena (handily bypassing the forced expropriations) and we have to hear that crappy song again. I'm so glad it will be the last time. Well, at least they'll always have that fancy arena they built. And the flame towers they threw at us in every postcard. And why are they wearing white? Did they not get the news that black is the new white??

Off we go (for we might forget that the whole exhibition at the start is not what this evening is about) with Engelbert Humperdinck, which makes sense, since he has to be back in the home by 10. My son is a huge fan, sticking to the television. I'm not sure about his love for elderly gentlemen, but I'll let it slide.  Azerbaijan seems to have some wiring issues, because fire comes out of the wall at the end. See, Engelbert, you weren't that bad at all. I just think you were forgotten. Which is infitinely worse in Eurovisionland. Not even Ireland gave you a 12! That's shocking! -25th

Did we already see Hungary? None of us can remember the song, which isn't a good sign. Extra point for the guy playbacking his keyboards, because you can see him think "Yeah, check it out, I'm at Eurovision". Grey is not the new white though, so we're not convinced. Especially not when the singer shouts out (what we think is) "Thank you Texas". Wrong show, mate.  -24th

Ah, Albania waltzes in, dressed like the Evil Queen from Snow White, with Lord Voldemort in her hair and proudly showing off her chest hair. There's a lot of shouting. I'm sure no one gets it, but pretends to anyway just to come across as intellectual. Just like in the semi, there's a sob at the end of the song. I just wish she'd stop shouting. Europe disagrees with me. -5th

For crying out loud, Lithuania, keep your blindfold on and don't try to play penis-guitar. What the hell *is* penis-guitar anyway. I wish love was deaf instead of blind. -14th

Then comes Bosnia with what many consider a fantastically moving ballad, but for me it's about as interesting as watching paint dry. Points for the worst dye job of the contest, now that blondie from Georgia is out of the picture.  -18th

Since Russia has a law stating  "promoting" homosexuality is illegal, they're going to be in deep shit if they end up winning this contest. Thankfully it doesn't come to that. Because yes, the grannies are cute, and yes, they bake cookies (philosophical question of the year: who for?), and yes, the chorus is about as catchy as erm... something really catchy. Still... I'm not keen on Moscow. I amuse myself thinking the grannies are styled to look the way they do and will change into their expensive gala gowns and high heels once they come offstage. -2nd

You were robbed, Iceland. Robbed! Robbed, I tell you! Looking fabulously vampiric (if Buffy the Vampire Slayer were watching, she'd have been in Baku in minutes, ready to slay you), singing gorgeously, all the pathos, the bombast, the slight "religious education"-influence... and it all amounts to nothing? Shame on you, Europe. Shame on you! - 20th

The sofa ruins Cyprus for me by comparing the singer to Dexter's Titty Vampire. I can't not-see the likeness anymore, but still... come on people! Dancing on a dolmen! The Ruslana shout! The Helena Paparizou! It's better to steal something well than to have a bad idea of yourself. And she goes to prove that. Love it. -16th

André says France had too many ideas. I think André's getting old. So yes, there's the half naked guys, the Sertab-ribbons, the seethrough curtains for a dress, but this is Eurovision! Seems like the bare minimum if you ask me! I can't say anything about the song though, because I can't for the life of me remember how it goes -22nd

Italy sends a sober Amy Winehouse with red high heeled shoes. I think I may be in lov, but it lacks the impact it should have had -9th

I still don't get Estonia, apart from the man-candy vote. But that could just be me. Half the Sofa is in love, and so, apparently is most of Europe. -6th

What, my dear Norway, is the point of starting your song with a hood over your head.  I'm sure whole studies have been done about it, so please enlighten me. Despite this being stolen from every other song in existence ("push me, and then just touch me, till I can get my satisfaction..." and so on) I still love this. Someone decrees the singer is too muscular for skinny jeans, which I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear, and I'm happy with the return of the Eric Saade octopus. (Behind you!) By the time we get to vote, Europe seems to have completely forgotten about Norway though, which is a pity. -last

Azerbaijan plucked a chicken and has a dress that changes colours. There's also a ballad in there somewhere. The fact that a black cloud is moving in her dress scares me a little and reminds me of that contestant who made a "cancer dress" in Project Runway season one. Blurgh. -4th (seriously, Europe?)

"Did those guys with the moonwalking accordion make it?"  Erm who...? Aaaah, Romania! Apparently they did. Something about people pretending to play instruments to a very obvious backing track always amuses me. -12th

We love Denmark in all its crazy glory: there's a very catchy song, the cellist in a hoodie, the manic drummer and a bunch of hot girls. But what's with the cap? And what's with Europe for not giving this more points? Where were the lesbians last night?  -23rd

No, but then Greece, the offkey singing bouncy bunny, does a lot better. What is the meaning of "you make me want your aphrodisiac" anyway? I'd hardly consider it a compliment. Then there's the tornado wind machine, a mass of hairography, a dancer touching the singer's crotch and the obligatory sirtaki. Urgh. Oh, Greece, haven't we been subjected to enough of this over the years? -17th

Sweden surprises me. I love the song, love the whole performance, but I'm not used to songs I like actually winning! I kept expecting a dark horse to make it in the end (not literally. I know this is Eurovision, but live animals are still forbidden). "Does she have eyes though", we wonder during the first half of her performance, and "let's hope she doesn't choke on a snowflake this time". Glad to see Mister T found a new career after the A team as a dancer as well. -winner

Turkey and his backing choir of Batmans are a big hit in this household. But then, unlike Edna Mode, we do like a cape now and then. "Ride me like I like you", the singer goes, though I might be mishearing. The boat choreography is genius. -7th

Spain apparently did well with a moving ballad. I wouldn't know. All I can see is the way her hair is pulled back so tightly it must hurt. -10th

Germany pleases everyone who fancies men on our sofa. Well, not literally, because that would be quite inappropriate. I just notice he must be cold, why else would he be wearing a woolly hat? -8th

Malta starts with a very heterosexual fistbump and further proves how cold it must be in that arena, because this guy is wearing a glove. Just the one though. They bring one guy with them for no other reason than his yellow trousers and red hair. Halfway through the whole "straight" act there's the best foot choreography ever to grace Eurovision. And probably the only reason for this song getting to the final. Because this is Eurovision. And we do love this sort of thing. . -21st

FYR Macedonia doesn't baffle me as much as it did in the semi. I'll even forgive her the faux guitar solo and the shouting. I must be getting mellow. -13th

And then come Ireland and we collectively decide we're sick of twins at Eurovision. Especially hyperactive little cybermen. Unless they bring a decent song, which they didn't bother to do this year. Please don't send them again next year, Ireland, please don't. If only for the hazard of combining water and electricity. "I'm close to waterboarding" our hungover teacher remarks. -19th

Serbia has the "most beautiful man of the festival" according to André. And yes, Zeljko is brilliant. He just is. Despite us wondering what "droogy poo" is.  Nerd points to my wife for recognising the guy with the flute from Lane Moje. And points to Zeljko for the little lady violinist moment. We like that overhere. -3rd

Ukraine figured they'd save money by making one song for Eurovision and for football. It worked for France a few years back, so why not. And it's not bad, though there's a lot of grumbling on the sofa about "stolen songs" and "too recognisable" and "it's physically impossible to play the trumpet that way". -15th

And speaking of trumpets, what is Moldova singing about? "This trumpet makes you mine, girl"?? "Ah, it's the guy with the porn moustache and his trumpet!" the sofa goes when the song starts. This is what we remember you for, Moldova. But you sing a lovely catchy song. And your backing dancers are dressed cutely. -11th. 

And in case you were wondering who this Peter guy was we loved to hate this year (André's sexist sidekick), he's the guy who gave the points for Belgium and insulted the hosts in Dutch ("beautiful show, with your cheap dresses"). That's not only rude, but also cowardly. I much prefer the woman, can't remember the country, who gave a dig about democracy in the voting process.

But yes, Sweden won! And I 'm quite baffled, because I was pretty sure the Russians were going to win. Or anyone else. I was even prepared for the Ukraine. I'm not used to songs I really like actually winning. And I'm thrilled for the Swedes,  because they're probably the most Eurovision crazed of them all. Now just let Iceland win next year, and I'll be completely satisfied.

Semi final 2 recap

Is it just me or was this a snoozefest of a semi? I was bored out of my skull at times. Is the Eurovision fever fading? Help me!

The best part of this semi, by far? The interval! Dima Bilan, looking as high as a kite and "freestyling" his crappy song! Marija Serifovic, who did not make the transition from baby dyke to... slightly more butch woman with much grace! Lena Did She have a Surname, If So I forgot! Alexandr Rybak finally looking older than 16! And two Azeris I couldn't name if my life depended on it. I'm pretty sure one was a presenter, but that's as far as my knowledge goes. The whole thing had a fabulously camp Soundmix Show feel to it. All that was missing was one of the monsters from Lordi and we'd have been all set.  Loved it, loved it!

The rest of the show however...
We spotted a few new trends though, and far be it from me to keep them from you:
- the 70s porn moustache is back. I don't know why and I don't agree with it, but it was there.
- Black is the new white. Gone are the days when the performers dressed in white to "stand out". They've now figured out if everyone does that, no-one really stands out, so they've all opted for black. Every single one of them. Oops. (Well, apart from Dima Bilan who showed he's a few years behind Eurovisionfashion-wise. Heads will roll in Moscow!)
- Is pyro the new wind machine? Think about it....

Now who do we say goodbye to after tonight?

The Netherlands: Oh, Joan with your headdress and your band of jolly gay musicians. I thought this came across rather well and I'd have liked to see you go through. The song wasn't as bad as a lot of the other crap in this semi. You looked high as a kite (on Heineken?) and it would have been entertaining for the fire hazard alone: so many flames near so many feathers... I'll bet the Azeri fire department have three trucks standing by the arena just in case. Alas, it was not to be.

Belarus: they were the weeners, and always will be in my book. There's something to be said about people trying to score "straight points" in an outfit that looks like it was stolen from a gay dungeon. Kudos to the guys in metal class who made the microphone stands. Very erm... interesting.

Portugal: somehow I always end up having a soft spot for you, despite the bad, bad styling. You're not the only victim of it tonight though. Is something going on? Are stylists in Europe collectively on strike?

Bulgaria: who brought us some seriously scary 80s music. Now she doesn't need anyone with her on stage, she'll just do it on her own. "It sounded better without the singing" someone remarks. Judging by her belt, Sofi is a renowned boxing champion, so I'd be careful what I say.

Slovenia: it's now obvious. Everyone in the Balkan hates you. And you totally won me over with that performance, for some reason. Suddenly I thought the song was actually rather good. Could it be the Molitva-connection? Perhaps you got left out because you dressed in white and everyone thought you were so behind the fashion?  Maybe it was the flowers on your dress?

Croatia: dressed in rumpled bin bags with backing dancers dressed as blacksmiths. I don't see how this didn't get through. Can't for the life of me remember the song, but come on people! Bin bags! Blacksmiths!

Georgia with the bad dye job. If you dye your hair, at least dye your beard as well. Otherwise it's just slacking. The candidate from Montenegro left his cape behind Tuesday and Georgia thought "ooh, we can use that". I must agree that the song was infinitely better when he was still wearing the cape. That's still not saying much, but at least he peroxide didn't blind me then. Backing singers in corsets and something that looks like a cheap magician's act. I reckon it'll be a while before Georgia sends another male candidate.

Slovakia: Straight points galore, apart from the sale on eyeliner and the Farrah Fawcett hairdo. At least it stood out. Rock on, Slovakia.

And who got through (some of them bafflingly):
- Serbia: Zeljko. Enough said.
- Fyr Macedonia: Que? They had a bloody guitar solo! Are you mad?
- Malta: "Let's have pyro AND a wind machine AND dry ice AND do something with our feet". And it worked! Seriously, Baku, I hope you have another batch of firemen ready for Saturday.
-  Ukraine: Hey! I know that song! Don't I know that song? I'm sure I've heard it before. Yes, we have. Millions of times. That, and  Norway. "It's the thing with the powertools, remember?"
- Sweden: yeah baby!
- Turkey "Ride me like I like you?" erm... I probably misheard. Rock the boat, batmen!
- Estonia: again I must say "que", but then I don't fancy men, I think that might be it.
- Bosnia & Herzegovina which might have become interesting if part of the decor had fallen over. As for now: meh meh and meh. Boring.
- Lithuania: for god's sake, keep the blindfold on if You're Making A Point. And someone turn him so he stands with his back to the audience. Ha!

I wonder what Saturday will bring. Hopefully new postcards!

Eurovision semi final 1 recap

For the sake of your and my sanity, I'll focus mostly (only) on those dearly departed of our contestants. Otherwise I have nothing more to say about the final, and wouldn't that be a shame!

André Vermeulen, our Flemish Eurovision-god, has a new sidekick. A sidekick who wants to kick André out of the limelight and spends the whole time assuring us of his heterosexuality with sexist and lewd remarks. He has one for every country, so no-one should feel left out. "Look at the legs on that", "She's a bit of a tiger", "she looks like a porn actress". Peter Vandeveire, you are not funny. You are a stupid silly little boy and I wish you would just shut up.

We, on the other hand, have scoresheets handily provided with "straight points". The goal is, of course, that if you score a contestant with straight points (for example: faux heterosexual dance moves, suggestive winks, being in a rock band, shouting out "come on Azerbaijan"), you have to subtract those points from the total score you give that country. Speaks for itself.

Apparently we're in the Eastern most part of Europe. Because if Israel can be Europe, I suppose Azerbaijan can be too. Next up: Iran, China and why not, Australia! 

We start with the presenters introducing themselves. Thoroughly. I expect them to go on and include their hobbies, sleep habits, dreams for the future, strengths and weaknesses. But maybe they're saving that for Thursday's show. In case you're interested, one of the presenters, according to Peter, is the porn actress.

And tonight we say goodbye to:

- Montenegro: or as the wife said "can someone get their drunk uncle off stage, please". There are no redeeming factors to this song at all, or it would have to be the beginning where the singer is hiding under a cape. We shriek in horror as he throws the cape off. He looks drunk, pretty much unwashed and we love that when he yells "come on Azerbaijan" (straight point) no-one in the audience reacts. Good riddance.  

- Latvia: now I loved "Beautiful Song" on CD, but this stage presentation did it no favours whatsoever. Anmary and her friends look like cheap versions of "Desperate Housewives" and just walk about on stage for three minutes. Meh.

- Switzerland: we all sang along "sweem against the sweem" and that was pretty much it. Shaving patterns in your hair is so very nineties and the singer loses a massive amount of points with Eurovision Cardinal Sin Number One: "Thinking Eurovision Is A Rock Concert And You're Bono". Do these Swiss get no coaching whatsoever? Give me a call for next year. 

- Belgium: No shit? We're out?! How did that happen?! It's all politics! Everyone is against us! They all vote for their neighbours! It's because of the war! 

Oh, and the song is dull as dishwater. It could be that, of course. And someone please tie down the "hand", you know the one, the one that some singers (the Mariah Carey clones usually) use to Emphasise pointless Parts in the Lyrics. Urgh. Sorry Iris, you tried your best, but that song... ugh, that song.

- Finland: which I liked. Of course not a clue what she was singing about. The votes on the sofa were that it was about human rights in Azerbaijan, which explains the lack of wind machine she got. Oh lookie, she's got a cello! But a cello alone can't save her, unfortunately. 

- Israel: with Austin Powers singing lead. Yeah, it's nice on CD, but it didn't really go anywhere live, did it. And the whole sixties dance moves... well, you know, been there, done that. In the sixties. And a kiss between a man and a woman? What the hell? At Eurovision?! Still, it's obvious prozac is a big hit with Izabo, so I don't think they'll mind not qualifying all that much.

- San Marino who has the worst stylist ever. I mean, latex blue shiny pants? A loose shiny top? No no no no. The fact that she was even wearing clothes with a song like this was a big shock for me, but still... I said  beforehand "if one of her backings is carrying a computer, they don't deserve any points at all". And lo and behold... also, why someone was dressed as a doctor, someone else as a sailor... Costumes left over from the local drama club? You can tell she's screwed when The Sofa collectively starts looking for meaning or a hidden message in the lyrics. "Perhaps it's a critique of modern communication...", nah... it's just a crap song.

- Austria who were so beyond horrible that they should be thrown into an Azeri jail for the rest of Eurovision week. A lot of lewd remarks about the lyrics on The Sofa:  "Maybe it's a critique of how Azerbaijan treats homosexuality..." Or maybe it's just a moronic song.

We will be seeing more of:

- The fabulously beloved vampire show that is Iceland (Look! She has a violin!)

- Windmachine set to tornado offkey singing and random sirtaki-ing Greece

- "I don't get it, but she looks pretty intense, there's shouting and she's pretending to cry. I'll give this points and say it's quality, so everyone will think I know stuff about music" Albania

- Random windmachine, mega pyro summer hit Romania

- Totally won me over- Cyprus. Or as André puts it: "Cyprus is really just a smaller version of Greece". Yup. I'm sure the Turks will love hearing that.

- Catchy, though ridiculous cap-wearing (insert "should have know better"-joke here), Denmark

- The Russian grannies. Because, come on, who can resist the way they say "dance". And they bake cookies!

- Hungary. But who were they again??

- Ireland: for no reason whatsoever other than they came up last and did something with twin cybermen and a fountain. Bleh. 

Can't wait for tomorrow!

Eurovision 2012: the Final

UK: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love will set you free.

You know, I’ve heard a lot about Engelbert (what a name) but I don’t think I could name a single song of his. Thankfully there are still some things I am too young for. But that’s something I’ll never again be able to say after this year’s song contest. Despite the lack of Bombastic Red Army, this is not bad at all. I’m pretty sure we won’t be getting a clothes change (I should hope not), Engelbert will probably not be dressed in leather or do energetic backflips and I doubt he’ll be showing off his biceps. But this should definitely, definitely be top ten. And I’m always up for a trip to London.

France: Anggun – Echo (You and I)

An English song title, France? My, how the times are changes. Next Spain will be sending in a song that doesn’t have “conmigo” in the title... oh hang on... no, the times aren’t changing all that much after all. If you’re a fan of strange videoclips featuring men in ugly underwear and a woman in a corset, I’d suggest you check this out. But I wouldn’t really bother turning up the music. Though, who knows, it might grow on me.

Italy: Nina Zilli – L’Amore E Femmina

Maybe I have a thing for Italian ladies, but I love this song. Love it! Ms Zilli comes across as a woman who takes no crap from anyone, so I don’t dare say anything horrible. I wouldn’t want to be at the receiving end of her wrath. But this song... yeah baby!

Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeva – When the Music dies

Well, Sabina, when the music dies, we all go home. There would be no song contest (well, we could do something with pyro and a wind machine but without music I suppose), no Azeris would have been kicked out of their homes to build a new stadium, a lot of money would have gone to other stuff (probably just in rich people’s pockets, so don’t worry about it) and I would be doing something sensible with my time instead of writing this blog. Moreover I’d have the three minutes of my life back I now spent listening to a faux-American boring ballad. So it’s not all doom and gloom, is it.

Spain: Pastora Soler – Quedate Conmigo

Dear god, I hope some uptempo songs come through from the semis or this will be one big snoozefest. I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s all very good and very ... whatever. I’d just rather something I can dance to. Well I suppose it’s better for the baby if I don’t try to do anything like that, so maybe it’s all for the good.

Germany: Roman Lob – Standing Still

Well. At least he’s very nice to look at. But after 41 songs, I’m sorry Roman, this doesn’t do anything for me anymore. Excuse me while I put some Pet Shop Boys on before I succumb to a bout of melancholia.

Eurovision 2012: Semi Final 2

Serbia: Zeljko Joksimovic – Nije Ljubav Stvar

Oooh Zeljko, welcome back! It feels like you take part every year, and in a way you do. But there’s nothing like the real Zeljko: He Of The Dramatic Stroll Onstage. Now I’ll be honest, when I first heard this, it was the English version and I hated it. The lyrics were completely ridiculous. The good thing about singing in Serbian is that the lyrics might be just as ridiculous now, but I wouldn’t know. It sounds fantastic. I’m a fan. Obviously. It’s Zeljko!

FYR Macedonia: Kaliopi – Cmo I belo

No country has suffered more from the reinstatement of the juries than FYR Macedonia. Used to be they could send a farting sheep (and often times I hoped they had instead of the drivel they did send) and still get into the final. Not so anymore. So they’ve gone the “intense” route this year. Unfortunately I can’t say I’m convinced. I get the feeling this will be horribly off key, which should provide us with some entertainment at least. Meh.

The Netherlands: Joan Franka – You and Me.

It’s “you and I”. Thank you. But never mind. If you actually listen to this song, which I know is very hard, because after all, there’s a very white Dutch woman –not a drop of Native American blood in her veins- wearing a headdress and playing a guitar looking entirely too cheerful about it. And then we haven’t mentioned the backing “dancers” who manage to look even more ridiculous. Quite an accomplishment! But if you listen, if you close your eyes and really really listen, then I think this song isn’t so bad at all.

Malta: Kurt Calleja – This is the night

Ooh, just the title reminds me of good old Sakis Rouvas, which is always enough to get me in a good mood.  And while the start (stomping disco beat, yeah baby!) is promising, the rest of the song unfortunately sinks away to nothing. Kurt doesn’t even have the sense to take his shirt off in the videoclip. I mean, honestly... you expect to get votes on the merits of the song? How silly.

Belarus: Litesound – We are the heroes

What, no “We really really love Belarus, in case you didn’t know already”? How disappointing! Hee hee... They sing “we are the weeners”. Ahem. I’m sorry. It’s funny. And the outfits, oh my. I fear that –through some inexplicable plot of the west against the great country of Belarus- this will be the first and only time we’ll see and hear “we are the heroes”. So make the most of it, Europe.

Portugal: Filipa Sousa – Vida Minha

Now this on the other hand, if they leave the distracting dancers at home, this I like. It’s like a proper song and everything. With singing. No Senhora Do Mar, but not bad either. Go Portugal!

Ukraine: Gaitana – Be My Guest

Oh right, wasn’t there a mini riot a while back because some idiot politician had said that Gaitana couldn’t represent the Ukraine since she was black? Ha. The only reason he should have protested was the strange getup they put her backing dancers in, what is *that* all about? On a first listen the song doesn’t blow me away, but I have every confidence in the Ukrainian Eurovision Machine will pull a great stage act out of the hat and make this a (very gay) fan favourite.

Bulgaria: Sofi Marinova – Love Unlimited

I’m confused. There’s a dance beat, but no-one’s dancing. What’s that all about? I get the vague impression of something multilingual going on, but I can’t be 100% sure and after the Ukraine this will probably disappear into thin air. Well, unless the Bulgarian Eurovision Machine get their act together of course.

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

Dear god, there’s something on her head! And... and... the outfits... Oh no. It’s well known I usually have a weak spot for Slovenia, but this time... No. I don’t get it. It all looks pretty intense, but then why do her backing singers have rolls of toilet paper stacked on their heads? Maybe this will bedazzle me on the night, who knows, but I doubt it.

Croatia: Nina Badric – Nebo

Oh lord, with her and Zeljko in one semi I’ll be spoilt for choice. And I’m not even able to vote in this semi. How cruel. You can say what you want about former yugoslavia, but they know how to write and perform a Dramatic Balkan Ballad. And on a completely superficial note: she is bloody gorgeous. Now I’m not sure about the song getting more and more uptempo towards the end, but I’m sold already, so I’m sure it doesn’t matter all that much.

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Oooh, just the way the Swedish guy says “Loreen”, doesn’t it make your heart beat just that tiny bit faster? No? Just me then? I really need to get over this thing I have about languages and accents. But that’s part of what makes Eurovision so much fun. Ok, never mind. Loreen is on a roll with the wind machine set to Carola-Tornado and a nineties beat we haven’t heard since ... the nineties probably. I love the whole craziness of it, including the snow storm at the end, and I hope this does fabulously. Listen up, slutty girls from semi one, this is what a dance song can also sound like. And you can even keep your clothes on!

Georgia: Anri Jokhadze – I’m a joker

Yes, well, you’re not funny. However you do manage to combine about seventy different styles of music, in the hope that something decent comes out. It doesn’t. Three minutes can really take a long time to be over.

Turkey: Can Bonomo – Love me back

What happened to the rock bands and the bellydancing girls, Turkey? Not that I’m complaining. Or well, I wasn’t, until about 15 seconds in the song when I found myself thinking “where the hell is this leading to”. I’m afraid the answer is “nowhere”. And what is all this about you being a sailor? You look as much like sailor like Milan Stankovic resembles a builder.

Estonia: Ott Lepland – Kuula

Meh. Now if this was in Serbian I might have loved it, I might just be superficial like that (or my ears might be), but this has me turning towards the “skip forward” button. I don’t doubt that I might be the only one in Europe and the rest of us will be dabbing their eyes with their hankies by the last “kuula” though, so don’t despair Ott (now there’s a name if it’s a boy... who knows). I guess for me there’s just not enough of a “Bombastic Red Army” vibe going on.

Slovakia: Max Jason Mai – Don’t close your eyes

I guess I can be sure the Slovakians will shake me awake after Estonia. The contrast couldn’t be bigger. You might actually go somewhere, Max, if you wear something sleeveless and promise not to do that thing with your tongue. I feel like I’m 16 again and at war with the world.

Norway: Tooji – Stay

Hang on, I’ve heard this somewhere before. No? Just me? But yay for our first slutty boy of the evening, took us long enough! Provided he brings the right backing dancers (because we’re very superficial like that, yes) this could be a huge hit at our house. Hey, perhaps you could do something with a glass box? Or a giant stapler? Something threatening with leather? I’m sure you’ll think of something! So nice of Norway to make sure we have something similar to “I’ll get you wet, I’m popular” this year!

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Maya Sar – Korake Ti Znam

Hmz. And the difference between my lacklustre response now compared to Zeljko? Just like with Estonia: not enough Bombastic Red Army, too much regular ballad. Meh.

Lithuania: Donny Montell – Love is blind

Oh good god, he’s Making A Point by wearing a blindfold. I suppose it’s less offensive than grabbing some sunglasses and a white stick. And just when you think you’ll get to refilling the glasses a bit sooner so you don’t miss any of the interval, in comes a dancebeat and... yeah, I think I’ll just get started on the glasses after all.

Eurovision 2012: Semi Final 1.

Montenegro : Rambo Amadeus – Euro Neuro

We start the first semi off with our favourite country Montenegro (no, it’s not really our favourite country, but it’s the home of such gems as “Just get out of my out of my out of my life” with the shaking bumfun, so it’s quite high in my personal ranking). This year they’re sending Rambo Amadeus. I get the feeling they thought they were hilarious when they thought up that name.  Unfortunately Rambo (seriously?) starts rapping after the fantastically bombastic entry. But with lyrics like “I got only one rule / always stay cool / like a swimming pool.” I’m willing to forgive him.

Iceland: Greta Salome & Jonsi – Never Forget

I’m a sucker for this kind of folky Drama with a capital D. This is what a duet should sound  like, Azerbaijan. Not that white-dressed wind-machined monstrosity you won with last year.

Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

You were probably wondering how long it would take until we reached our first crappy generic-pop-song-singing sluttily dressed singer of the evening. Well, the wait is over!

And because this is Greece we get their yearly sirtaki-backtrack thrown in for free. Thank you, Greece. Yawn.

Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song

This song might actually be about Eurovision. Kudos for that! Now if they play the “cute” card and don’t take themselves too seriously, this should  actually make the final. The song is a bit bland but I’m sure my wife (I was going to type “girlfriend” while we’ve been married nearly three years... so wrong) will love this. It’s just enough this side of “girl with a guitar” for her. And... well, as I near the three minute mark I get the feeling I won’t get this song out of my head any time soon. Which is kinda the intention isn’t it.

Albania: Rona Nishliu – Suus

My first thought, honest to god? Thank god they’re not attempting to sing in English this year. This will either have you drawn to your TV set with tears in your eyes, or you’ll be refilling glasses. I honestly don’t know where I’ll be. It’ll really depend on my hormones (being  7 months pregnant helps with these things).

Romania: Mandinga – Zaleilah

Oh, goodie, drums! It’s been a while, hasn’t it! Almost a year I’d think. We’ve reached Slutty Generic Pop Girl Number Two, ladies and gentlemen. With extra Balkan-mix thrown in, just for you! In this video you can see a girl rolling around the desert, stroking herself while a camel passes by. I’m not kidding, just telling you what happens. I’m giving up after a minute and a half. I think I’m getting too old for this.

Switzerland: Sinplus – Unbreakable

Hmz. This is not bad. It’s not particularly good either. The chorus is catchy, but the verses are enough to make me fall into a coma. I’m just not sure this is going to work on a Eurovision stage. I’ll listen to it on the CD though, if this is any consolation. Actually... yes, I know this is pretty “stream of consciousness”, but as I’m finishing listening to this I’m more of a fan. Go Switzerland! Who knows.

Belgium: Iris – Would you?

No. I wouldn’t. Let’s just skip this one, shall we.

Belgium got to choose between not one, but two crappy songs, for a pretty crappy singer. Yay! Thank you! This is sinking straight to the bottom of the barrel, and quite rightly so. You’re 16, do you even know what you’re singing about? Probably not. Then again, neither do we. Nor does anyone particularly care. That's how good this song is.

Finland: Pernilla – När Jag Blundar

Pernilla, now there’s a name if we have a girl... or not. Can I just say how fantastic I think it is that so many countries are not singing in English? And I don’t mean Molovenglish or Armenenglish or anything like that. I mean, she could be singing her shopping list and I’d still think it sounds sexy. It has definite advantages. Unless you’re Dutch, because then I know what you’re singing about and “three apricots, a bunch of carrots and so many boxes of pasta” just doesn’t do it for me. This song could either be really memorable and moving or very boring and bland. I think I quite like it, though I hope they leave the distracting dancer at home. And invest in a pretty frock for Pernilla.

Israel: Izabo – Time

The video has clowns. If Izabo takes them to Eurovision with him, a new Eurovision trauma will be born (bigger than the year Dima Bilan or what where they called last year won). For the record: clowns are evil. Clowns are not funny. Clowns are not cute. They are evil horrible specimens of depravity and should be locked far far away from children. That is all. Now provided he leaves the Evil Undead at home (Cirque Du Soleil should be doing the opening show, you can ask two of their dancers to help out with your act, we don’t mind) and sings more or less in key, this song is quite catchy.

San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song (Oh Oh – Uh – Oh Oh)

Well that title doesn’t promise much, now does it? And the rest isn’t much better. No, I don’t think there’s anything that can save this song. Not even a deus ex machina appearance of that Swedish guy from last year.  “Do you wanna be more than just a friend / Do you wanna play cyber sex again / If you wanna come to my house / Then click me with your mouse”. Throw her in the dungeon, please!

Cyprus: Ivi Adamou – La La Love

You can tell straightaway from the title that this is one of the songs aiming for the jury vote, right? No. No, I didn’t think so.

Well, they spent some money on  the video trying to make the song more interesting, they created an instrumental midsection in order to do something dramatic dance-wise (with pyro and a wind machine probably) and the song (Generic Pop Bland) is catchy enough. So I expect to see this again Saturday. I might even sing along to it. Please stop me.

Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve known better

Denmark didn’t even bother spicing up their “official” Eurovision video. “They want a video? They can have the result show”! “But can’t we just cut to the song?” “No! The whole thing or nothing at all! We spent money on that pyro, Europe should get to see it!”.

Oh, the wife is going to love this. One tip though, Soluna. If you’d have just sung in Danish, the wife would’ve loved it even more. A female drummer though, you can’t do much wrong when you have one of those. I hope to god she loses the ridiculous outfit in Baku though. Though it’s not often you see a guy in a grey hoodie playing the cello.