One of my favourite songs from 2011 was (the shamefully and totally undeserved only 22nd placed) "What about my dreams" by Kati Wolf. It has everything a good gay torch song/disco stomper needs: a strong (female) vocal, lyrics about self-realisation and emancipation, a short ugly dress and a wind machine.
If it weren't for the distracting backing dancers with the lit-up crotch, this might have won the whole thing.
Ok. It wouldn't have won. But a girl can dream, right?
Now if only she'd looked a bit more at the staging of Iceland's 2010 entry "Je ne sais quoi": fantastic discobeat, lyrics, great singing, sparkles and a smidgeon of pink (in the form of Eurobandid's Fridrik Omar) in the backing choir. Again finishing a disappointingly in a 19th place, but -if it's any consolation to Hera Björk and I imagine it is- she's got a big hit in this household.
Speaking of Iceland, this seems as good a time as any to remind you all of the other dose of fabulousness (and yes, that same guy from the backing choir - talk about recycling): Eurobandid's "This is my life". Written by Pall Oskar, another Eurovision legend, and placing 14th in the final, it had me make my own Icelandic flag to wave about during the contest. You'd be amazed how hard it is to find Icelandic flags in Belgium... who'd have thought.
Just look at how thrilled these people are to be there. If I could sing and dance -and most importantly walk in high heels-, that's how happy *I* would look to be on stage at Eurovision.
And I cannot end my first ever "gay disco stompers at Eurovision"-entry without the fantastic, the amazing, the "are they kidding me"-entry from 2004: Deen from Bosnia & Herzegovina.
My little Bosnian prince with the Dolce & Gabanna jeans, whatever happened to you? And what to think of those lyrics "I'm lying, I'm late, I'm losing my weight, because I want to dance all night..." and "kiss me and turn me slow, up and down, here we go". Yeah baby! Look at Deen shaking it for what he's worth and grabbing a 9th place which, granted will have more to do with the balkan votes than with the fabulousness of it al. Yet it re-installed my faith in humanity and its taste for bad disco music at the time (I was blissfully in denial of bloc voting back then). I love you, Deen!
Part 1 of many I should think, seeing as I just realised I haven't even started on Sakis Rouvas, Dana International, Ani Lorak, Charlotte Perelli, the god-fearing Carola and that guy with the cockring from 2005...!
Monday, August 01, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Ken and Barbie win Eurovision. Hurray.
Well... that was all a bit meh wasn’t it.
Not the show, not at all, pretty impressive you ask me, no, just the result. Though I guess there is a silver lining: By this time next year we’ll finally know where Azerbaijan is. And I personally can’t wait for the interval act they come up with.
But before we get to the ending, we must start at the beginning. A word of warning, if I repeat myself, I’m very sorry. But there’s only so much you can say about songs and performances you see twice in four days time. And it’s not as if anyone but Nick and his husband will notice.
But yes, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
Don’t we all hate it when Eurovision hosts try to be funny? It makes me long for the scary old Russian bloke who just stood there as if he was reading the news. SvenOrAndré says that “Stefan Raab is the most famous German entertainer”. Ha! Wrong! That would be Derrick!
Anyway, a lot of nonsense later (and one funny moment with a bunch of Lena lookalikes, and a total Blitzkrieg of pyro) and finally, finally, we get on with it.
By showing us that the arena is actually a football stadium. Really? At Eurovision!? Our Straight Men perk up and start talking football results... now see what you’ve done. SvenOrAndré explain the jury system saying that “the juries are composed of music experts”. Music experts? What the hell do they know about Eurovision?!
And then, after what seems like an eternity, we can finally, finally get on with things.
Extra points to SvenOrAndré for mentioning Tom Dice when the guy from Finland starts, but what a depressing opener. Excellent toilet break, but alas, we all just went. We really could’ve done without the sultry look in the camera, Finland. Next please! -21st
SvenOrAndré translates the lyrics of Bosnia’s Love in Rewind and there are no words to express how much I love Dino and his bunch of overhappy prozac-loving crazy people. The guy with the triangle looks so proud to be here I just want to hug him and pinch his cheeks. Watch out with the pyro, guys, Dino’s on fire! -6th
“It’s not plagiarism” the guys from Denmark say “but there’s only so many guitar chords you can use so everything kinda sounds alike”. “It’s a wonder there’s more than one song in the world” Straight Man quips. We do the test on Soundhound and it –unfortunately- recognises the song as “New Tomorrow”. SvenOrAndré steals another remark from my blog, I really don’t mind if you do, SvenOrAndré, I just wish you’d comment once in a while. -5th (seriously Europe? What is wrong with you?!)
There really must be a dwarf hiding under that dress... No, that really is all her arse. All of it! Her own! Accentuated by the dress. Who could be so cruel? “I sink to you” shesings sinks to us. Lithuania, you of the fake Chiara Disney ballads, I am not happy you’re in this final. -19th (Ha! Not low enough!))
Hungary of the backing singers with the lit crotch. If you’ve not seen the contest, I swear I am not making this up. The backing singer’s crotches are lit up like a Christmas tree. Because you want to draw attention to that in front of millions of viewers, including probably your parents, grandparents, neighbours and boss. We vaguely remember only one singer’s crotch being lit up in the semi, and now all three of them are shining away happily at us. Either they thought it was such a good idea they should expand it, or they’ve got some horrible STD and they’ve had unprotected sex with each other. Safe sex children! -22nd (Boo, you were fabulous Hungary!)
Thank you Ireland for showing us mere mortals what happens when you overdose on Red Bull. They should put this on the cans as a warning. Depeche Mode! Pet Shop Boys! (just the backdrops mind, not the music). This is funny as hell and extra points for the hot backing singers dressed in hoodies and hotpants. -8th
We’ve seen snippets of Sweden’s performance every three minutes or so on “Out TV’s” pre-Eurovision show. Let’s say the gays are fans, as are the assorted sexualities on this Belgian sofa. We try to stay professional by playing “spot the ugly backing singer” – the ones who have to remain fully clothed and stand on the edge of the stage, so they’re not filmed too often. It doesn’t work, we’re drawn in by the camp of it all. You big slut, Eric, being felt up by all these men in leather. -3rd (Robbed, I tell you, robbed!)
Ah, Estonia is singing in key this time. Nice. But after Sweden, well... What can we say about it? It’s colourful. That’s about it. -24th
I love the way SvenOrAndré says the name “Stereo Mike”. You can tell he says it like he’s smelling something bad. And who can blame him. Stereo Mike –snicker- raps something about “his war against fear” (seriously? At Eurovision? You start about waging a war in Germany?) and I wonder why Loukas didn’t just lock him up in his hotel room so he could do the song on his own. There’s intense gazing at the camera, someone yells “take your shirt off” and quickly adds “Not you, Stereo Mike”. Anyway, despite all this, Greece ends up 7th. Bafflingly.
Russia, you scare us with your dirty wink at the camera. You just stay where you are before we have to barricade the doors and windows! There’s buttlight. And shoelights. And his name spelled out on the backs of his dancers. Oh how I wish they’d switch places just to piss him off. And another wink! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Fuck off! He must have left some extra room in his suitcase to pack his ego -16th (Ha!)
The straight girls go wild over France, one of them proclaims her Swedish vote has now turned into a French one. “He’ll get them wet, he’s popular” indeed. Ooh, a sunset, “or the opening screen for windows” the ever sober Straight Man (the only one not charmed by Amaury’s dazzling looks and voice) goes. Finally some pyro. An actual song at Eurovision is one thing, but one without a wind machine and nearly without pyro? That would have been something else entirely! – 15th (should have been much much higher if you ask me. But at least he beat Russia)
Italy is singing in English. What is this world coming to? First an actual song, then Italy’s back, with something snooze-worthy and then it’s not even in Italian. All this sucking up to Italy over the past year has finally paid off: with a horribly boring song and performance. Thank you very much Italy, and welcome back. Urgh. I suspect the “expert juries” of Europe have been bribed because for some reason this piece of drivel actually comes second. (I’ve said it before when you threw out Dana International, and I’ll say it again Europe: you suck)
Switzerland is still cute despite wearing the (as SvenOrAndré put it in the semi) “dowdy dress reminiscent of the magnificent Maltese singer Chiara”. “This dowdy dress deserves to be taken off” the straight men and lesbians mutter. Anna manages two dancing cameras at once, not something to be mocked. Clearly a girl who knows how to multitask. –last (bafflingly and horribly last... how is this possible? I suspect a plot where the EBU delegations stole points from France and Switzerland to hand over to that boring Italian guy)
The UK’s Blue come up to a stage doused in greens. Very disturbing. For a minute I think I’ve become colourblind. Modestly enough their backdrop consists of four gigantic videos of themselves. Gigantic. Shirtless. I mean, what the hell?? Blue, in case you’re from a different planet (or the USwhich is basically the same thing) are a British boyband on a comeback. Kinda like Take That, but not as good. And this song was actually pretty fantastic, if you’re big on the angsty bombastic balkan communist drama. Only their singing is way off key, their microphones are too low and not even Russia put up gigantic photos of himself (though I think he kicked himself when he saw Blue’s “I should have done that! It looks brilliant!”). Aaargh. Blue, where did it all go wrong?? If it’s any consolation, “That guy from Blue” came first in The Sofa’s “best biceps”-poll. Right before “the second backing singer from Sweden”. At least they won at something -11th.
Ah, it’s the shouty garden gnomes from Moldova. Eat this, Stereo Mike! Now whose idea was it to put christmas cones on their heads? Apart from the Pet Shop Boys then. “I know what will make the whole outfit come together: ta-daaah!”. Extra points for the drummer who’s not even pretending to drum to the rythm. -12th
Germany’s Lena has turned into a sultry little er... woman, I suppose. Gay Eurovison Oblivionist goes “Hang on, is that the same one from last year?” Yes! Good on you for catching on! Verka Serduchka was years ahead of her time judging by the silver outfits the backing dancers are wearing. Either that or they’ve been to Japan and they still need to decontaminate. -10th
No, Romania, no matter how many pseudo attractive looks you throw the camera, you are not hot. Your song is horrible and forgettable. Don’t vote for this Europe, don’t be drawn in by the clap-along moment! -17th
Austria didn’t take part for a couple of years because they were pissed off at the televoting results. They decided to come back just when the contest was being hosted in neighbouring country Germany. What a coincidence. Well if they’re planning on sending us (well sung, yes, I’ll admit that) Disney ballads every single time, they could really have saved us all the bother. The Sofa notices Nadine can’t move in that dress and those heels. We suspect she’s been hoisted on stage with a crane.”There Can be Miracles, I will always love you” we sing along. It all magically fits. -18th.
And here we come to Ken and Barbie: Azerbaijan has been taking part for five (four?) years now and they’re eager as a puppy and ambitious as hell. They want to win. And they shall try using Eurovision By Numbers, as they did tonight, and by god they even succeeded. For some reason or other. Because can I just say? This does nothing for me. Nothing. At all. I wasn’t even this pissed off when Dima Bloody Bilan won. The whole thing is so cheesy, clichéd and contrite: from everyone dressed in white to the pseudo-duet. All it needs is some bloody sign language and we can all hop back to the nineties on our cloud of unicorns, puppies and rainbows. Aaaargh!! It makes me want to tear out my hair and send that Moldovan gnome on the unicycle to knock everyone off stage. It all ends with a golden shower though, so at least we get some fun out of that. –winner.
Thank you Slovenia for sending us the light version of Anastacia and –above all- your attractive backing singers. I really have nothing else to say about this. -13th.
We fill up our glasses and the crisps during Iceland’s song. It’s a nice song, but that’s really all it is: a nice song. We notice we’ve all run out of points to hand out already. Already? And we haven’t even heard Spain yet?! -20th
Not that we’re missing much when it comes to Spain-by-numbers. One happy sunny song – check. One lady singer – check. Sung in Spanish –check. Backing singers who scare the hell out of everyone – check. Waving as a group – check. Wind machine and key change –check. And the Spanish air guitar championship to start it all off with. Only at Eurovision! The whole thing is like a commercial for a travel agent’s “come visit us in lovely Benidorm, for sun, sea and sand”. No thanks, I think we’ll pass. -23rd.
Not a single one of us remembers how Ukraine’s song went, but that sure was a lovely sand drawing. And some impressive poultry on her shoulders. The most entertaining thing about this performance is that apparently something went wrong because it took ages to start. -4th (seriously Europe? Seriously? You’re that easily distracted by shiny sand drawings and pretty things on stage?)
Serbia with the pretty colours and the dresses and blablabla... no-one’s listening anymore. We’ve reached our maximum of Eurovision-madness, we can take no more. Kudos for singing in Serbian though! And in key! And for being pretty. And it’s not a bad song. And we’re all just tired, don’t mind us, do you know what time our son woke us up this morning? It’s a disgrace. Don’t take it personal, Nina. -14th.
“Is that the one with the lettuce stuck to her dress?”. Yes, that’s Georgia! Why they’re in this final, we have no idea, but here they are so we’d better make the most of it. It’s never a good sign when they need the wind machine from right at the beginning though, is it? Nice teeth though. And Stereo Mike is there, in something fluorescent. Go Stereo Mike, the busiest man this Eurovision. And yes! We had to look it up, but there is a fire/desire rhyme! So that’s why they made it to the final after all! I knew it had to be something... -9th.
And then there’s an interval with something disco. And symbolically the Germans tear down a wall (oh yes, they really go there) between the audience and the green room. Unfortunately not by Jeremy Clarkson running into it with a truck, but by sliding open the backdrop of the stage, but alright then. We can’t have it all. The green room incidentally looks like an alien bee hive.
And then come the votes with our personal highlights: Dima Bilan who hasn’t aged well, Ruslana who looks like she’s turned into her grandmother, booing in the audience when neighbours give each other points (especially in the balkan) but not when Germany and Austria do the same, a hilarious moment when Spain gets 12 points from France after having practically none so far, France giving the UK one whole point and well... the horror that is the winner.
Well, I say horror... the Wife let me know (at nights like these it all comes out doesn’t it) that she loves the song and has played it over and over when she’s alone in the car. And yes, the song isn’t that horrible (not good either), but the staging... dear god, it looked like something out of a high school musical production.
And so yes, we wonder what the Azerbaijani interval act is going to be like, and the fact that it’s three hours later there than here and what are they going to do with all The Gays that are going to overrun their nice, traditional country and... they’re back on stage, looking happy as can be. And that girl should really let her hair go back to its original colour because it looks horrid and the guy doesn’t want to share the trophy with her and he kisses it (Don’t!! You don’t know where that’s been! Dima Bilan used to have one just like this!) and SvenOrAndré pointedly say “she’s married and has two kids and we don’t know what his er... status is... whether or not he has an er... a ... partner”. And ah well... what a crappy song, we realise as they sing it again. Or I realise anyway.
The Germans celebrate the win by throwing toilet paper at them. How fitting.
I suppose I’m going to have to post a clip of it, aren’t I? Go on then. So you can see what we have to put up with for another year.
Not the show, not at all, pretty impressive you ask me, no, just the result. Though I guess there is a silver lining: By this time next year we’ll finally know where Azerbaijan is. And I personally can’t wait for the interval act they come up with.
But before we get to the ending, we must start at the beginning. A word of warning, if I repeat myself, I’m very sorry. But there’s only so much you can say about songs and performances you see twice in four days time. And it’s not as if anyone but Nick and his husband will notice.
But yes, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
Don’t we all hate it when Eurovision hosts try to be funny? It makes me long for the scary old Russian bloke who just stood there as if he was reading the news. SvenOrAndré says that “Stefan Raab is the most famous German entertainer”. Ha! Wrong! That would be Derrick!
Anyway, a lot of nonsense later (and one funny moment with a bunch of Lena lookalikes, and a total Blitzkrieg of pyro) and finally, finally, we get on with it.
By showing us that the arena is actually a football stadium. Really? At Eurovision!? Our Straight Men perk up and start talking football results... now see what you’ve done. SvenOrAndré explain the jury system saying that “the juries are composed of music experts”. Music experts? What the hell do they know about Eurovision?!
And then, after what seems like an eternity, we can finally, finally get on with things.
Extra points to SvenOrAndré for mentioning Tom Dice when the guy from Finland starts, but what a depressing opener. Excellent toilet break, but alas, we all just went. We really could’ve done without the sultry look in the camera, Finland. Next please! -21st
SvenOrAndré translates the lyrics of Bosnia’s Love in Rewind and there are no words to express how much I love Dino and his bunch of overhappy prozac-loving crazy people. The guy with the triangle looks so proud to be here I just want to hug him and pinch his cheeks. Watch out with the pyro, guys, Dino’s on fire! -6th
“It’s not plagiarism” the guys from Denmark say “but there’s only so many guitar chords you can use so everything kinda sounds alike”. “It’s a wonder there’s more than one song in the world” Straight Man quips. We do the test on Soundhound and it –unfortunately- recognises the song as “New Tomorrow”. SvenOrAndré steals another remark from my blog, I really don’t mind if you do, SvenOrAndré, I just wish you’d comment once in a while. -5th (seriously Europe? What is wrong with you?!)
There really must be a dwarf hiding under that dress... No, that really is all her arse. All of it! Her own! Accentuated by the dress. Who could be so cruel? “I sink to you” she
Hungary of the backing singers with the lit crotch. If you’ve not seen the contest, I swear I am not making this up. The backing singer’s crotches are lit up like a Christmas tree. Because you want to draw attention to that in front of millions of viewers, including probably your parents, grandparents, neighbours and boss. We vaguely remember only one singer’s crotch being lit up in the semi, and now all three of them are shining away happily at us. Either they thought it was such a good idea they should expand it, or they’ve got some horrible STD and they’ve had unprotected sex with each other. Safe sex children! -22nd (Boo, you were fabulous Hungary!)
Thank you Ireland for showing us mere mortals what happens when you overdose on Red Bull. They should put this on the cans as a warning. Depeche Mode! Pet Shop Boys! (just the backdrops mind, not the music). This is funny as hell and extra points for the hot backing singers dressed in hoodies and hotpants. -8th
We’ve seen snippets of Sweden’s performance every three minutes or so on “Out TV’s” pre-Eurovision show. Let’s say the gays are fans, as are the assorted sexualities on this Belgian sofa. We try to stay professional by playing “spot the ugly backing singer” – the ones who have to remain fully clothed and stand on the edge of the stage, so they’re not filmed too often. It doesn’t work, we’re drawn in by the camp of it all. You big slut, Eric, being felt up by all these men in leather. -3rd (Robbed, I tell you, robbed!)
Ah, Estonia is singing in key this time. Nice. But after Sweden, well... What can we say about it? It’s colourful. That’s about it. -24th
I love the way SvenOrAndré says the name “Stereo Mike”. You can tell he says it like he’s smelling something bad. And who can blame him. Stereo Mike –snicker- raps something about “his war against fear” (seriously? At Eurovision? You start about waging a war in Germany?) and I wonder why Loukas didn’t just lock him up in his hotel room so he could do the song on his own. There’s intense gazing at the camera, someone yells “take your shirt off” and quickly adds “Not you, Stereo Mike”. Anyway, despite all this, Greece ends up 7th. Bafflingly.
Russia, you scare us with your dirty wink at the camera. You just stay where you are before we have to barricade the doors and windows! There’s buttlight. And shoelights. And his name spelled out on the backs of his dancers. Oh how I wish they’d switch places just to piss him off. And another wink! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Fuck off! He must have left some extra room in his suitcase to pack his ego -16th (Ha!)
The straight girls go wild over France, one of them proclaims her Swedish vote has now turned into a French one. “He’ll get them wet, he’s popular” indeed. Ooh, a sunset, “or the opening screen for windows” the ever sober Straight Man (the only one not charmed by Amaury’s dazzling looks and voice) goes. Finally some pyro. An actual song at Eurovision is one thing, but one without a wind machine and nearly without pyro? That would have been something else entirely! – 15th (should have been much much higher if you ask me. But at least he beat Russia)
Italy is singing in English. What is this world coming to? First an actual song, then Italy’s back, with something snooze-worthy and then it’s not even in Italian. All this sucking up to Italy over the past year has finally paid off: with a horribly boring song and performance. Thank you very much Italy, and welcome back. Urgh. I suspect the “expert juries” of Europe have been bribed because for some reason this piece of drivel actually comes second. (I’ve said it before when you threw out Dana International, and I’ll say it again Europe: you suck)
Switzerland is still cute despite wearing the (as SvenOrAndré put it in the semi) “dowdy dress reminiscent of the magnificent Maltese singer Chiara”. “This dowdy dress deserves to be taken off” the straight men and lesbians mutter. Anna manages two dancing cameras at once, not something to be mocked. Clearly a girl who knows how to multitask. –last (bafflingly and horribly last... how is this possible? I suspect a plot where the EBU delegations stole points from France and Switzerland to hand over to that boring Italian guy)
The UK’s Blue come up to a stage doused in greens. Very disturbing. For a minute I think I’ve become colourblind. Modestly enough their backdrop consists of four gigantic videos of themselves. Gigantic. Shirtless. I mean, what the hell?? Blue, in case you’re from a different planet (or the US
Ah, it’s the shouty garden gnomes from Moldova. Eat this, Stereo Mike! Now whose idea was it to put christmas cones on their heads? Apart from the Pet Shop Boys then. “I know what will make the whole outfit come together: ta-daaah!”. Extra points for the drummer who’s not even pretending to drum to the rythm. -12th
Germany’s Lena has turned into a sultry little er... woman, I suppose. Gay Eurovison Oblivionist goes “Hang on, is that the same one from last year?” Yes! Good on you for catching on! Verka Serduchka was years ahead of her time judging by the silver outfits the backing dancers are wearing. Either that or they’ve been to Japan and they still need to decontaminate. -10th
No, Romania, no matter how many pseudo attractive looks you throw the camera, you are not hot. Your song is horrible and forgettable. Don’t vote for this Europe, don’t be drawn in by the clap-along moment! -17th
Austria didn’t take part for a couple of years because they were pissed off at the televoting results. They decided to come back just when the contest was being hosted in neighbouring country Germany. What a coincidence. Well if they’re planning on sending us (well sung, yes, I’ll admit that) Disney ballads every single time, they could really have saved us all the bother. The Sofa notices Nadine can’t move in that dress and those heels. We suspect she’s been hoisted on stage with a crane.”There Can be Miracles, I will always love you” we sing along. It all magically fits. -18th.
And here we come to Ken and Barbie: Azerbaijan has been taking part for five (four?) years now and they’re eager as a puppy and ambitious as hell. They want to win. And they shall try using Eurovision By Numbers, as they did tonight, and by god they even succeeded. For some reason or other. Because can I just say? This does nothing for me. Nothing. At all. I wasn’t even this pissed off when Dima Bloody Bilan won. The whole thing is so cheesy, clichéd and contrite: from everyone dressed in white to the pseudo-duet. All it needs is some bloody sign language and we can all hop back to the nineties on our cloud of unicorns, puppies and rainbows. Aaaargh!! It makes me want to tear out my hair and send that Moldovan gnome on the unicycle to knock everyone off stage. It all ends with a golden shower though, so at least we get some fun out of that. –winner.
Thank you Slovenia for sending us the light version of Anastacia and –above all- your attractive backing singers. I really have nothing else to say about this. -13th.
We fill up our glasses and the crisps during Iceland’s song. It’s a nice song, but that’s really all it is: a nice song. We notice we’ve all run out of points to hand out already. Already? And we haven’t even heard Spain yet?! -20th
Not that we’re missing much when it comes to Spain-by-numbers. One happy sunny song – check. One lady singer – check. Sung in Spanish –check. Backing singers who scare the hell out of everyone – check. Waving as a group – check. Wind machine and key change –check. And the Spanish air guitar championship to start it all off with. Only at Eurovision! The whole thing is like a commercial for a travel agent’s “come visit us in lovely Benidorm, for sun, sea and sand”. No thanks, I think we’ll pass. -23rd.
Not a single one of us remembers how Ukraine’s song went, but that sure was a lovely sand drawing. And some impressive poultry on her shoulders. The most entertaining thing about this performance is that apparently something went wrong because it took ages to start. -4th (seriously Europe? Seriously? You’re that easily distracted by shiny sand drawings and pretty things on stage?)
Serbia with the pretty colours and the dresses and blablabla... no-one’s listening anymore. We’ve reached our maximum of Eurovision-madness, we can take no more. Kudos for singing in Serbian though! And in key! And for being pretty. And it’s not a bad song. And we’re all just tired, don’t mind us, do you know what time our son woke us up this morning? It’s a disgrace. Don’t take it personal, Nina. -14th.
“Is that the one with the lettuce stuck to her dress?”. Yes, that’s Georgia! Why they’re in this final, we have no idea, but here they are so we’d better make the most of it. It’s never a good sign when they need the wind machine from right at the beginning though, is it? Nice teeth though. And Stereo Mike is there, in something fluorescent. Go Stereo Mike, the busiest man this Eurovision. And yes! We had to look it up, but there is a fire/desire rhyme! So that’s why they made it to the final after all! I knew it had to be something... -9th.
And then there’s an interval with something disco. And symbolically the Germans tear down a wall (oh yes, they really go there) between the audience and the green room. Unfortunately not by Jeremy Clarkson running into it with a truck, but by sliding open the backdrop of the stage, but alright then. We can’t have it all. The green room incidentally looks like an alien bee hive.
And then come the votes with our personal highlights: Dima Bilan who hasn’t aged well, Ruslana who looks like she’s turned into her grandmother, booing in the audience when neighbours give each other points (especially in the balkan) but not when Germany and Austria do the same, a hilarious moment when Spain gets 12 points from France after having practically none so far, France giving the UK one whole point and well... the horror that is the winner.
Well, I say horror... the Wife let me know (at nights like these it all comes out doesn’t it) that she loves the song and has played it over and over when she’s alone in the car. And yes, the song isn’t that horrible (not good either), but the staging... dear god, it looked like something out of a high school musical production.
And so yes, we wonder what the Azerbaijani interval act is going to be like, and the fact that it’s three hours later there than here and what are they going to do with all The Gays that are going to overrun their nice, traditional country and... they’re back on stage, looking happy as can be. And that girl should really let her hair go back to its original colour because it looks horrid and the guy doesn’t want to share the trophy with her and he kisses it (Don’t!! You don’t know where that’s been! Dima Bilan used to have one just like this!) and SvenOrAndré pointedly say “she’s married and has two kids and we don’t know what his er... status is... whether or not he has an er... a ... partner”. And ah well... what a crappy song, we realise as they sing it again. Or I realise anyway.
The Germans celebrate the win by throwing toilet paper at them. How fitting.
I suppose I’m going to have to post a clip of it, aren’t I? Go on then. So you can see what we have to put up with for another year.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
To tide us over till tonight: some gems from last year
Because you've got to admire the "street" kid who shakes his arse at the camera and the assorted gay men in the audience.
Because flowy dresses and sparkly gloves are so 2010.
Because this is so terrible, it's actually pretty fantastic (and yes, this was stuck in my head during the C-section so it's a wonder my son didn't suffer brain damage)
Because no-one quite does gay anthems like the Icelandics do.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Semi 2: Homoeroticism, thigh-high boots and ... you guessed it, pyro!
I can’t believe I took time off work to write this Eurovision recap. I must be demented insane stupid idiotic crazy devoted. And then blogger crashed, so I can only upload this in the evening. Argh!
What can I say, we all make sacrifices. Just look at poor Dana International!
Apparently, because this is Eurovision for Dummies, they received thousands of text messages and emails (who knew their phone numbers and e-mailaddresses were so widespread) from people asking them to explain the rules of the song contest. The rules. Of the song contest. Yes. Alright. Don’t we all have SvenOrAndré commentators? Isn’t everyone a Eurovision Queen? Apparently not then. So on they go again with the whole charade complete with pyro (well, they had some lying around so why not use it) and “start voting now!” and yeah... not even SvenOrAndré are listening at this point. If only Short Prozac Lady had worn something red they’d be dressed in the colours of the the German (and Belgian) flag. A missed opportunity if ever there was one!
Yay Dino! My little Bosnian woodnymph! They must spike the tap water with prozac in Bosnia if the group on stage is any indication . And how entertaining for us! “Is anyone’s crotch alight?” the Sofa asks, because we’re used to that now. For a minute we fear they used up all the pyro in the first semi, but thankfully there’s some left for the ending of the song. We get a tweet asking if “they’ve left the caged dancing bear in Sarajevo”. Hush now. This is class. Go Dino!!
Austria brings us a game of “Recognise the melody from this song from every other ballad ever in the history of music and assorted Disney films”. For some reason the singer scares me. Could be the eyebrows. Our hosts come back in the living room after putting their daughter to bed: “Hey, isn’t this stolen from something?”. Probably yes. But the woman can sing. Even if all she sings is a crappy Disney ballad.
Oh, it’s the Netherlands with a true snoozefest of “let’s walk around on stage in no particular order – it’s not like we had six months to prepare something that looks remotely like an act, now is it.” No loitering, Holland! It’s just not done when you have a right-winged government! “This might go through” SvenOrAndré says. I think they handed out leftover bottles of Prozac in the commentary booths...
Not that Belgium is any better. Though for some reason the Sofa is quite happy with it. I think we all expected it to be even worse. A little language riot when the Flemish placard of one of the “Belgian divers: Norbert and Guido” in the postcard is quickly turned over to show a German text. “Once again us poor Flemish are humiliated and discriminated against! Once again the Walloons are mocking us! Well, that one Flemish guy in the group is obviously the better one” the Separatist Sofa goes. (And we are kidding, people! The Flemish flag has no style, so we couldn’t split up even if we wanted to!) I mean, Eurovision should thank us: we’re saving them a lot of money: no tape, no musicians. And what do we get for it? A bus ticket home! Tsk! It’s all politics! (and crappy songs)
Slovakia picked up some porn twins from an alley somewhere. One of them tries to make sultry moves and pouty lips. It’s scary. Their dresses are a size too small, unless their boobs were meant to look that way. But then what do I know about porn fashion. “Unless they undress, this is shit” our Token Straight Men (for there are two) proclaim. Next!
Oh. A commercial break already? And there’s the Ukraine. “Well hel-lo” the Wife goes. I fear for my life, because whenever she starts fancying short-haired short ladies (everything I’m not) I know she’s just one step away fromgrabbing the scissors going to the hairdressers and getting herself a short haircut. Which looks good on her, but then I want one and then she goes “your head is too big for short hair” and then I think about stereotypical lesbian haircuts and if her hair is short and mine is long does that make her “the man” and me “the woman” and ... oh, right. Not about me. Sorry. About the song. As I was saying, the Wife was going “hel-lo” and that, together with the sand drawing is the only good thing about this song. But apparently it’s enough to get through to the final. “Someone had poultry for lunch” the Wife goes, looking at Ukraine’s dress.
We now notice that not only is SvenOrAndré blatantly stealing from my blog (not that I’m arrogant or anything) he also seems to be listening in on our conversation because a minute after I say “the Ukraine always sends something pretty. Or Verka Serduchka.” SvenOrAndré goes “The Ukraine always send a pretty girl to Eurovision”. Cut it out, SvenOrAndré (or at least mention La Serduchka)!
Moldova brings us the second Pet Shop Boys tribute of this year’s Eurovision (after Turkey’s Chris Lowe patented fake keyboard playing in the first semi) with the Pointy Hats from Can You Forgive her. (Though they looked much better on Messrs Tennant and Lowe.) The Sofa is divided. One half loves the garden gnome idiotic quality of it all, the other half misses the drumming granny and moans that no-one’s wearing feathers and no-one’s crotch is on fire.
We notice relations in the SvenOrAndré household are quite business-like still. Sven is probably worried about being Andrés third in a few years, André might not know how to handle a young excited co-presenter. We hope they work it out.
Because here is Sweden! Babyfaced Not-Gay-But-Sure-Looking-It men are quite the thing in this year’s contest (Only in this year’s?). Eric gets pawed by a lot of men in leather who show us their muscles. Sakis would be so proud. “My body wants you girl”, he sings. No, it doesn’t, you big liar. “Bieber meets muse” we get texted. It’s a homoerotic video disguised as a Eurovision entry. Go Sweden!
Long live the angst in Cyprus. Shame about the singing. And Blatant Sakis Move Alert! All of a sudden Xena Warrior princess starts swinging a big lamp over the audience, for no apparent reason. As I said, shame about the singing. And Sakis did that move better.
Again the Wife goes mad over Bulgaria’s mohawk. “She shouldn’t have worn white if she wanted to be a metalchick” someone remarks. But white is customary for Eurovision. It’d be like going to a royal wedding without a hat, some things are just not done. What a dilemma. The Germans lose a capital to the pyro in this song. We fear it might be a terrorist attack, but nope, it’s just the staging.
And another commercial break where, yes, we’ll admit it, we mention Ze War, and how all our grannies hated the Germans, but loved Derrick.
It’s just one of those things.
FYR Macedonia brings us gay ballet. Well, gayer ballet. Shame about the singing, the song was pretty brilliant until he opened his mouth. Not even the gay midget playing the accordion saves it.
Oooh Dana! Dana! Dana! André promises us that her dress couldn’t cover up her boobs in the rehearsals, but alas… no such luck. Can I say how gutted, shocked and appalled I am that La Diva from Israel didn’t make it through to the final? Can I say how disappointed I am in you, Europe for allowing this to happen?! You suck, Europe! It’s just not on! She’s Eurovision Royalty! She’s the Diva! Or did the poor Eurovision voters think Dana was one of those other women who performed on Tuesday? But Dana looks a lot more like a woman than they do! Aargh. I don’t get it. All she had to do was walk down the catwalk and the crowd in the arena went into a frenzy. Yes, the song wasn’t all that, but that never stopped us before. I’m shocked. We love you, Dana, don’t worry! (Oh, I do not want to be a member of that Israeli delegation right now...)
The Wife doesn’t even notice that Slovenia is wearing leather boots up to her thighs. For some reason she’s too busy staring at the backing singers. All of us are. No-one is listening to the song. We’ll get a second chance I suppose.
The guy from Romania probably thinks he’s hot. You can tell by the way he looks into the camera. Newsflash honey: you’re not. Oh, and it’s the return of the 80s pianist. So glad to see you’re back. “Lose the jackets!” the Straight Male and Lesbian part of The Sofa chant “Lose the jackets”. Not that we’re superficial or anything. Alas, the ladies in the background keep their jackets on. Perhaps in the final?
We go back to the green room. “We want commercials instead” The Sofa goes.
We didn’t know Rachel from Glee would be performing for Estonia. Thankfully the kids are already tucked up in bed, because this “one two seven three” counting is just not on. They must never have watched Count Dracula when they were a kid. Someone is singing off key, but we’re not sure it’s the lead singer. I expect hair to be pulled and drama queen scenes backstage! But hey, off key singing is not a reason not to make it to the final when you’re from Estonia. So there is that.
Yes, we know you love Belarus, but apparently the rest of Europe isn’t too keen on the place. SvenOrAndré surprisingly doesn’t mention that “Belarus is the last dictatorship of Europe” though we expect the poor lady to get sent to a detention camp when she gets back home. Or they’ll just blame us heathens, that’s also possible. Listen, when you sing something patriotic we expect pyro, flag waving and perhaps some military staging. Not this. Three minutes just keeps lasting longer and longer....
The Sofa is up in arms about Latvia’s “Luscious Thighs” and Stereo Mike makes another appearance, pretending to be a nerd. When I was writing this down I first wrote “pretends to be a rapper”, which made me smile. Ha. Oh how I amuse me! In a surprising turn of events, judging by the dirty grin on the singer’s face, he even knows what “luscious thighs” are. Dirty guy!
After Rachel for Estonia, Denmark hired Puck from Glee, who hides a bird’s nest in his hair. “ooooh someone’s got a balloon!” (yeah, we’re used to dealing with babies these days). The sofa’s divided about the singer’s bare back. Hot or not, or just run out of fabric? We’ve got Saturday to watch it again.
Kraftwerk! Pet Shop Boys-background! It’s Ireland. My my, who’d have thought they wouldn’t be able to sing live? “Why are their microphones turned down so much, we can only hear the beat?” Why oh why…. Someone hand these guys their Ritalin, please almighty. I certainly wouldn’t want them in my house, but on the Eurovision stage... well it’s all pretty fabulous isn’t it. “how can they not know how ridicilous they are?” “they’re blond” “Are they even really blond?” We’re not really listening, but yay Jedward. When the pyro goes off you can just see them think “Pyro?! Does that mean we won?!”. Not yet you didn’t. And let’s hope you don’t.
“Ooh is this also taking part? It’s the best we’ve seen so far” Sweetie, that’s the interval act.
The Sofa proves they have no taste because when we pool our votes this is the top three:
3. Bosnia (only third??)
2. Ireland (“Well at least Ireland is taking the contest seriously”)
1...... Sweden.
Yes. We’re superficial.
Israel came fourth in our poll, in case you were wondering.
But not in Europe’s.
Poor Dana.
But on we go to Saturday’s final. With a lot of good songs, a lot of crappy songs, a lot of ugly women, plenty of pyro, wind machines and key changes, possibly some more Pet Shop Boys tributes (Ze Boys Are Big In Germany) and the big five.
Wouldn’t want to miss that, now would you?!
Oh. And with a second place in the final, Dino Merlin, my big bearded friend, is doomed. Since the winner generally comes from the last third of the songs I’m starting to fear Serbia might just win the whole damn thing.
Damn you, Serbia.
What can I say, we all make sacrifices. Just look at poor Dana International!
Apparently, because this is Eurovision for Dummies, they received thousands of text messages and emails (who knew their phone numbers and e-mailaddresses were so widespread) from people asking them to explain the rules of the song contest. The rules. Of the song contest. Yes. Alright. Don’t we all have SvenOrAndré commentators? Isn’t everyone a Eurovision Queen? Apparently not then. So on they go again with the whole charade complete with pyro (well, they had some lying around so why not use it) and “start voting now!” and yeah... not even SvenOrAndré are listening at this point. If only Short Prozac Lady had worn something red they’d be dressed in the colours of the the German (and Belgian) flag. A missed opportunity if ever there was one!
Yay Dino! My little Bosnian woodnymph! They must spike the tap water with prozac in Bosnia if the group on stage is any indication . And how entertaining for us! “Is anyone’s crotch alight?” the Sofa asks, because we’re used to that now. For a minute we fear they used up all the pyro in the first semi, but thankfully there’s some left for the ending of the song. We get a tweet asking if “they’ve left the caged dancing bear in Sarajevo”. Hush now. This is class. Go Dino!!
Austria brings us a game of “Recognise the melody from this song from every other ballad ever in the history of music and assorted Disney films”. For some reason the singer scares me. Could be the eyebrows. Our hosts come back in the living room after putting their daughter to bed: “Hey, isn’t this stolen from something?”. Probably yes. But the woman can sing. Even if all she sings is a crappy Disney ballad.
Oh, it’s the Netherlands with a true snoozefest of “let’s walk around on stage in no particular order – it’s not like we had six months to prepare something that looks remotely like an act, now is it.” No loitering, Holland! It’s just not done when you have a right-winged government! “This might go through” SvenOrAndré says. I think they handed out leftover bottles of Prozac in the commentary booths...
Not that Belgium is any better. Though for some reason the Sofa is quite happy with it. I think we all expected it to be even worse. A little language riot when the Flemish placard of one of the “Belgian divers: Norbert and Guido” in the postcard is quickly turned over to show a German text. “Once again us poor Flemish are humiliated and discriminated against! Once again the Walloons are mocking us! Well, that one Flemish guy in the group is obviously the better one” the Separatist Sofa goes. (And we are kidding, people! The Flemish flag has no style, so we couldn’t split up even if we wanted to!) I mean, Eurovision should thank us: we’re saving them a lot of money: no tape, no musicians. And what do we get for it? A bus ticket home! Tsk! It’s all politics! (and crappy songs)
Slovakia picked up some porn twins from an alley somewhere. One of them tries to make sultry moves and pouty lips. It’s scary. Their dresses are a size too small, unless their boobs were meant to look that way. But then what do I know about porn fashion. “Unless they undress, this is shit” our Token Straight Men (for there are two) proclaim. Next!
Oh. A commercial break already? And there’s the Ukraine. “Well hel-lo” the Wife goes. I fear for my life, because whenever she starts fancying short-haired short ladies (everything I’m not) I know she’s just one step away from
We now notice that not only is SvenOrAndré blatantly stealing from my blog (not that I’m arrogant or anything) he also seems to be listening in on our conversation because a minute after I say “the Ukraine always sends something pretty. Or Verka Serduchka.” SvenOrAndré goes “The Ukraine always send a pretty girl to Eurovision”. Cut it out, SvenOrAndré (or at least mention La Serduchka)!
Moldova brings us the second Pet Shop Boys tribute of this year’s Eurovision (after Turkey’s Chris Lowe patented fake keyboard playing in the first semi) with the Pointy Hats from Can You Forgive her. (Though they looked much better on Messrs Tennant and Lowe.) The Sofa is divided. One half loves the garden gnome idiotic quality of it all, the other half misses the drumming granny and moans that no-one’s wearing feathers and no-one’s crotch is on fire.
We notice relations in the SvenOrAndré household are quite business-like still. Sven is probably worried about being Andrés third in a few years, André might not know how to handle a young excited co-presenter. We hope they work it out.
Because here is Sweden! Babyfaced Not-Gay-But-Sure-Looking-It men are quite the thing in this year’s contest (Only in this year’s?). Eric gets pawed by a lot of men in leather who show us their muscles. Sakis would be so proud. “My body wants you girl”, he sings. No, it doesn’t, you big liar. “Bieber meets muse” we get texted. It’s a homoerotic video disguised as a Eurovision entry. Go Sweden!
Long live the angst in Cyprus. Shame about the singing. And Blatant Sakis Move Alert! All of a sudden Xena Warrior princess starts swinging a big lamp over the audience, for no apparent reason. As I said, shame about the singing. And Sakis did that move better.
Again the Wife goes mad over Bulgaria’s mohawk. “She shouldn’t have worn white if she wanted to be a metalchick” someone remarks. But white is customary for Eurovision. It’d be like going to a royal wedding without a hat, some things are just not done. What a dilemma. The Germans lose a capital to the pyro in this song. We fear it might be a terrorist attack, but nope, it’s just the staging.
And another commercial break where, yes, we’ll admit it, we mention Ze War, and how all our grannies hated the Germans, but loved Derrick.
It’s just one of those things.
FYR Macedonia brings us gay ballet. Well, gayer ballet. Shame about the singing, the song was pretty brilliant until he opened his mouth. Not even the gay midget playing the accordion saves it.
Oooh Dana! Dana! Dana! André promises us that her dress couldn’t cover up her boobs in the rehearsals, but alas… no such luck. Can I say how gutted, shocked and appalled I am that La Diva from Israel didn’t make it through to the final? Can I say how disappointed I am in you, Europe for allowing this to happen?! You suck, Europe! It’s just not on! She’s Eurovision Royalty! She’s the Diva! Or did the poor Eurovision voters think Dana was one of those other women who performed on Tuesday? But Dana looks a lot more like a woman than they do! Aargh. I don’t get it. All she had to do was walk down the catwalk and the crowd in the arena went into a frenzy. Yes, the song wasn’t all that, but that never stopped us before. I’m shocked. We love you, Dana, don’t worry! (Oh, I do not want to be a member of that Israeli delegation right now...)
The Wife doesn’t even notice that Slovenia is wearing leather boots up to her thighs. For some reason she’s too busy staring at the backing singers. All of us are. No-one is listening to the song. We’ll get a second chance I suppose.
The guy from Romania probably thinks he’s hot. You can tell by the way he looks into the camera. Newsflash honey: you’re not. Oh, and it’s the return of the 80s pianist. So glad to see you’re back. “Lose the jackets!” the Straight Male and Lesbian part of The Sofa chant “Lose the jackets”. Not that we’re superficial or anything. Alas, the ladies in the background keep their jackets on. Perhaps in the final?
We go back to the green room. “We want commercials instead” The Sofa goes.
We didn’t know Rachel from Glee would be performing for Estonia. Thankfully the kids are already tucked up in bed, because this “one two seven three” counting is just not on. They must never have watched Count Dracula when they were a kid. Someone is singing off key, but we’re not sure it’s the lead singer. I expect hair to be pulled and drama queen scenes backstage! But hey, off key singing is not a reason not to make it to the final when you’re from Estonia. So there is that.
Yes, we know you love Belarus, but apparently the rest of Europe isn’t too keen on the place. SvenOrAndré surprisingly doesn’t mention that “Belarus is the last dictatorship of Europe” though we expect the poor lady to get sent to a detention camp when she gets back home. Or they’ll just blame us heathens, that’s also possible. Listen, when you sing something patriotic we expect pyro, flag waving and perhaps some military staging. Not this. Three minutes just keeps lasting longer and longer....
The Sofa is up in arms about Latvia’s “Luscious Thighs” and Stereo Mike makes another appearance, pretending to be a nerd. When I was writing this down I first wrote “pretends to be a rapper”, which made me smile. Ha. Oh how I amuse me! In a surprising turn of events, judging by the dirty grin on the singer’s face, he even knows what “luscious thighs” are. Dirty guy!
After Rachel for Estonia, Denmark hired Puck from Glee, who hides a bird’s nest in his hair. “ooooh someone’s got a balloon!” (yeah, we’re used to dealing with babies these days). The sofa’s divided about the singer’s bare back. Hot or not, or just run out of fabric? We’ve got Saturday to watch it again.
Kraftwerk! Pet Shop Boys-background! It’s Ireland. My my, who’d have thought they wouldn’t be able to sing live? “Why are their microphones turned down so much, we can only hear the beat?” Why oh why…. Someone hand these guys their Ritalin, please almighty. I certainly wouldn’t want them in my house, but on the Eurovision stage... well it’s all pretty fabulous isn’t it. “how can they not know how ridicilous they are?” “they’re blond” “Are they even really blond?” We’re not really listening, but yay Jedward. When the pyro goes off you can just see them think “Pyro?! Does that mean we won?!”. Not yet you didn’t. And let’s hope you don’t.
“Ooh is this also taking part? It’s the best we’ve seen so far” Sweetie, that’s the interval act.
The Sofa proves they have no taste because when we pool our votes this is the top three:
3. Bosnia (only third??)
2. Ireland (“Well at least Ireland is taking the contest seriously”)
1...... Sweden.
Yes. We’re superficial.
Israel came fourth in our poll, in case you were wondering.
But not in Europe’s.
Poor Dana.
But on we go to Saturday’s final. With a lot of good songs, a lot of crappy songs, a lot of ugly women, plenty of pyro, wind machines and key changes, possibly some more Pet Shop Boys tributes (Ze Boys Are Big In Germany) and the big five.
Wouldn’t want to miss that, now would you?!
Oh. And with a second place in the final, Dino Merlin, my big bearded friend, is doomed. Since the winner generally comes from the last third of the songs I’m starting to fear Serbia might just win the whole damn thing.
Damn you, Serbia.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Semi Final 1: “Good evening Europe! Wo ist die Homojugend?!”
– at least that’s what we think Stefan und seine Frauen are saying if the overexcited gays behind them are any indication.
The presenters are Stefaan Raab and two random women (one as eager as an overexcited puppy, another one with ugly silver tassles on her shoulder). Wahey them! “You won’t understand a word of it, because your commentators are going to talk over us, but we’re still here and damned happy about it!” Apparently they’re funny, not that we’d know since we’re all still talking –as are André and Sven- because Die Homojugend in the audience goes ganz wild, ja.
Toll!
While Stefan und seine Frauen explain the televoting (I kid you not, is this “Eurovision for the televoting-impaired” or something?), complete with fireworks and counting down from five, the Sofa discovers our very first problem: our Flemish commentators.
Now we love André. In a way. And after all these years he decided it was time for someone younger and probably more attractive next to him, which we understand. A man has needs: exit Bart Peeters, enter Sven Pichal. Though yes, André, I was also still available, but I understand you didn’t ask because you probably thought I was busy: no hard feelings. Anyway, as I was saying, Sven and André are our first problem. Because their voices and their Eurovision enthusiasm are too alike so we can’t be sure who’s speaking. Very annoying, especially since The Sofa can’t keep their mouths shut either and well… let’s just say André, a woman’s voice * cough like mine cough * would have been a bigger contrast.
Still, we’re willing to give it a shot, and with a Sofa filled with fans, someone who declares himself The Queen of Oneliners and a baby in the audience, on we go to the first entry of the evening.
A postcard of the monorail in Wuppertal (Because who didn’t want to see that!) brings us to Poland. The opening notes are enough to cause the baby to burst into tears “Hungry?” the confused parents wonder, but nope, it’s just the song. Poland is acting out a 70s fitness choreography in the exact same outfit I wore during the C-section last year. It’s very er.. special.
When we get to Norway we start to realise that all the participants AND the presenters probably have the same horrible stylist. Someone shoot this man now. It’s “The Lion King – the musical”. Urgh. I really really don’t get why the rest of Europe is so in love with this. Give me Jesse Matador any time.
André says Albania’s Aurela Gaçe is “the Tina Turner of the Balkan”. Really? She looks like an ugly older version of Rihanna to us, but alright, we’re willing to defer to André’s wisdom. Apparently, he also informs us, this is “metal”. Metal? Metal of the hard rock stuff? With the black and the unwashed hair and the general moshpit-stuff and things like that? This? Why? Because there’s pyros? Cos it sure sounds more Bonnie Tyler than metal to us, but alright, whatever you say, André. (though she’s wearing glitter as well sweetie…Glitter). The pyro –guys are getting so excited we’re worried they might end up burning down the arena. Eak!
Armenia, for reasons of tone deafness and sudden lack of taste, divides the sofa. Some people –the girlfriend- actually say it’s good while others –me- stand firm in their hatred of it. It’s nasal, the hairextensions look pretty heavy (poor girl might fall over any minute) and we’ve seen the trick with the ribbons before … it might have worked for Sertab, but that was due to the hot German blondes crawling at her feet. No hot german blondes here. Though the gay portion of The Sofa mumbles disappointedly about the dancers taking off their bow-ties but not their shirts.
Turkey brings us Spinal Tap! We knew you wouldn’t disappoint, Turkey! They’re getting cocky though, they know they don’t even have to send someone attractive and they’ll still get through (yeah, I know they didn’t, I was shocked!). There’s blatant “Chris Lowe”-patented fake keyboard playing and the erm … very bendy woman tries to distract us from the ugly guys singing. It doesn’t work. Oh god, she turns into a phoenix. Someone kill me now.
The Sofa, especially The Girlfriend, is getting collectively frisky when they see the colourfulness that is Serbia. I can’t say I really get it, though I’m probably still recovering from the “transformation” we just witnessed in the Turkish cage. Yes, it’s all terribly colourful and cheerful. I’m just glad I’m not epileptic and I can’t stop wondering if they’re not too hot in those tights and if they’ve really only just seen Austin Powers and if those guys from “Cipela” were busy.
Russia picked up his backing vocalists at Ikea (promotion: buy two Lack tables and get four Swedes free!) and they’re featuring in a Schwarzkopf (“official sponsor of the Eurovision Song Contest”) ad. “No matter how high you set the wind machine, our hair will not move”). “Oooh they get lightning” The Sofa remarks. Well yes, Dima Bilan ‘s probably controlling the weather, just for them. We might not have a clue what he’s singing, but when The Sofa comes to the consensus that it’s probably “I choose my buttlight” I can’t help but disagree…. Extra points for a very sloppy Sergio-inspired backflip.
When André compares the Swiss singer Anna Rossinelli to “the impressive Maltese singer Chiara” I’m just about ready to chuck stuff at the TV. Can we please just have ONE single Eurovision Song Contest without Chiara, please, thank you?! God, André! Well hello there, it’s “Me and my ukelele!”. Apparently she’s wearing a “dowdy” dress (a Wendy Pepper original?), but we don’t let that distract us and stare at her (gorgeous, long, shapely) legs the whole three minutes. Lovely song. I suppose. Not that I was listening.
And another “dowdy” outfit for Georgia (André’s really getting out the fashion commentary this year – do we detect a subtle shift in the commentator-dynamics?) who –let’s just be honest here- gives us a very big Dana International vibe. Is it Her influence? Was there a group reduction for sex changes (as The Queen of Oneliners naughtily proposes)? We don’t know, but we can’t shake the feeling he might be on to soemthing. Someone call the fashion police (if nothing else, take that stylist into a custody) and did Stereo Mike sign up for Georgia as well?
If Tom Dice’s legacy to Eurovision will be a legion of babyfaced boys with guitars singing sugary sweet pop tunes, I’m going to go kick his arse. At least this one’s not trying any sign language or turning into a phoenix. It’ s something. Finland’s song is the perfect moment for us to fill up on the crisps and booze. Yes, yes, it’s the planet, Gorgeous. But what the hell is he wearing?
Oh Malta, how I love you. I do, I really do. It’s quite something when you find backing dancers who can make even Glen Vella look macho. Well, maybe not macho, that’s probably too strong. “He hides it well”, our Straight Boy proclaims. “Is that even legal in Malta?” someone asks. “What? A keychange?” Straight Boy replies. Oh shut up, all of you, you’re bad, horrible people! His boundless enthusiasm and naïve sweet lyrics are enough for a place in my heart. Even if he doesn’t have a chance in hell of making it out of this semi. Go Glen! “You can love yourself too” he sings, “there you go, an ode to masturbation” QoOL replies.
We find out San Marino, the whole bloody country, has as much inhabitants as this shithole the wife and I live in. “They probably don’t even have a baker!” The sofa proclaims. Nice to see there’s a following for the patented Glennis Grace arm movements, but … they didn’t do old Glennis any favours, so why try? “This is the first ballad” someone remarks. Seriously? It seems like we’ve had hundreds!
And I can’t believe we had to wait till the 13th song for the first chlotheschange! What the hell? Is this turning into a song contest or something? Spare me! Thank you Croatia for this horrible awfulness. There’s an ugly Johnny Depp, the most random clotheschange ever (because yes, sometimes clothes changes are not random – how I long for the return of the Croatian Backing Choir Clothes Change where they reveal polka dotted bikini tops under their shirts) and yet another singer who looks like an ugly drag queen. Would have been hilarious if her dress got caught in her knickers during one of the clothes changes. Alas, that doesn’t happen. Pity.
Iceland goes for the sympathy vote and who can blame them. (They’ve got mine, but don’t tell anyone). It’s nice to see Ricky Gervais find his way to the Eurovision stage (it makes a change from “Free love on the Freelove Highway”) and to see the return of the exaggerated wink to the camera (see also Russia). Apparently I missed a chaste kiss between two of the friends while I blinked. I’m sorry, what?! Unlike Tatu, these guys don’t moan about it, they just do it.
Yay for the return of bad 90s Eurovision dance!! I love it, thank you Hungary! And yes, by now we’re sure that Dana International rounded up all her friends to take part this year. It’s not subtle Dana, we’re on to you! “It’s Cher, but without the plastic surgery” someone remarks. And er… was the little crotch light that one of the dancers seems to be sporting intentional? Russia’s “buttlight” is starting to make sense after all.
“Thank you for the money” Portugal is saying with this song “Now look at what we did with it!”. Give it back, you wankers! How dare you, after your recent amazing efforts (we’re not talking about last year’s Disney Disaster) send this. Not even the Portuguese gays in the audience manage more than a few polite half-hearted waves with their flags. You can tell they’re just itching to switch it for the Maltese flag they left at the hotel.
Lithuania unfortunately does nothing to lift our moods. Urgh. Talk about Disney Ballads. It’s like something out of “Aristocats 6”. “Is someone hiding under that dress or is her ass really that big?”… “yep, it’s really that big”. Aaaaargh! There’s sign language! We thought we’d eradicated it in the early noughties, but no, it sprung back again! Like headlice, once you think you’re rid of them, there they are again in all their nastiness! “The sign language might give them some extra points” Sven remarks. Yes. Because the deaf all love Eurovision (!). Oh boy.
For some reason everyone is falling over themselves loving Azerbaijan. I don’t get it. I’m probably turning into a grumpy old woman, but I really don’t get it. Maybe I will in the final. It seems like Europe just drew open a can of babyfaced little boys in white suits. It’s Glee, with a golden shower at the end. Alright then.
And Stereo Mike got back just in time for the Greek song. “Yo yo yo, for all my brothers in Europe, check it out yo!”. Bad “street dance”, a bad “rapper”, overuse of quotation marks, ethnic Greek music, this must be Eurovision. Sakis is rolling over in his freshly made bed. Not even the clothes change and the pyros (the Germans thought “damn, this is the last song, we’d better use it all up”) saves this. Bring back Sakis, I say.
The interval act is a combination of all the drums that have been used in recent Eurovision years. As you can see there’s been quite a lot of them. Riverdance had a double booking I presume. When the presenters come back they’re still in the same outfits. That’s how we can tell there’s a financial crisis on.
Shocking result, in that Armenia and Turkey (two countries of the “could send a farting sheep and still win the whole thing”-variety) are NOT through to the final. Wow. I predict a riot. Or at least a question in the European Parliament.
In the mean time I’ve had it with these fake Danas. Bring on the real one on Thursday! And Dino! And those annoying Irish twins! Hopefully that will be a tad more entertaining.
The presenters are Stefaan Raab and two random women (one as eager as an overexcited puppy, another one with ugly silver tassles on her shoulder). Wahey them! “You won’t understand a word of it, because your commentators are going to talk over us, but we’re still here and damned happy about it!” Apparently they’re funny, not that we’d know since we’re all still talking –as are André and Sven- because Die Homojugend in the audience goes ganz wild, ja.
Toll!
While Stefan und seine Frauen explain the televoting (I kid you not, is this “Eurovision for the televoting-impaired” or something?), complete with fireworks and counting down from five, the Sofa discovers our very first problem: our Flemish commentators.
Now we love André. In a way. And after all these years he decided it was time for someone younger and probably more attractive next to him, which we understand. A man has needs: exit Bart Peeters, enter Sven Pichal. Though yes, André, I was also still available, but I understand you didn’t ask because you probably thought I was busy: no hard feelings. Anyway, as I was saying, Sven and André are our first problem. Because their voices and their Eurovision enthusiasm are too alike so we can’t be sure who’s speaking. Very annoying, especially since The Sofa can’t keep their mouths shut either and well… let’s just say André, a woman’s voice * cough like mine cough * would have been a bigger contrast.
Still, we’re willing to give it a shot, and with a Sofa filled with fans, someone who declares himself The Queen of Oneliners and a baby in the audience, on we go to the first entry of the evening.
A postcard of the monorail in Wuppertal (Because who didn’t want to see that!) brings us to Poland. The opening notes are enough to cause the baby to burst into tears “Hungry?” the confused parents wonder, but nope, it’s just the song. Poland is acting out a 70s fitness choreography in the exact same outfit I wore during the C-section last year. It’s very er.. special.
When we get to Norway we start to realise that all the participants AND the presenters probably have the same horrible stylist. Someone shoot this man now. It’s “The Lion King – the musical”. Urgh. I really really don’t get why the rest of Europe is so in love with this. Give me Jesse Matador any time.
André says Albania’s Aurela Gaçe is “the Tina Turner of the Balkan”. Really? She looks like an ugly older version of Rihanna to us, but alright, we’re willing to defer to André’s wisdom. Apparently, he also informs us, this is “metal”. Metal? Metal of the hard rock stuff? With the black and the unwashed hair and the general moshpit-stuff and things like that? This? Why? Because there’s pyros? Cos it sure sounds more Bonnie Tyler than metal to us, but alright, whatever you say, André. (though she’s wearing glitter as well sweetie…Glitter). The pyro –guys are getting so excited we’re worried they might end up burning down the arena. Eak!
Armenia, for reasons of tone deafness and sudden lack of taste, divides the sofa. Some people –the girlfriend- actually say it’s good while others –me- stand firm in their hatred of it. It’s nasal, the hairextensions look pretty heavy (poor girl might fall over any minute) and we’ve seen the trick with the ribbons before … it might have worked for Sertab, but that was due to the hot German blondes crawling at her feet. No hot german blondes here. Though the gay portion of The Sofa mumbles disappointedly about the dancers taking off their bow-ties but not their shirts.
Turkey brings us Spinal Tap! We knew you wouldn’t disappoint, Turkey! They’re getting cocky though, they know they don’t even have to send someone attractive and they’ll still get through (yeah, I know they didn’t, I was shocked!). There’s blatant “Chris Lowe”-patented fake keyboard playing and the erm … very bendy woman tries to distract us from the ugly guys singing. It doesn’t work. Oh god, she turns into a phoenix. Someone kill me now.
The Sofa, especially The Girlfriend, is getting collectively frisky when they see the colourfulness that is Serbia. I can’t say I really get it, though I’m probably still recovering from the “transformation” we just witnessed in the Turkish cage. Yes, it’s all terribly colourful and cheerful. I’m just glad I’m not epileptic and I can’t stop wondering if they’re not too hot in those tights and if they’ve really only just seen Austin Powers and if those guys from “Cipela” were busy.
Russia picked up his backing vocalists at Ikea (promotion: buy two Lack tables and get four Swedes free!) and they’re featuring in a Schwarzkopf (“official sponsor of the Eurovision Song Contest”) ad. “No matter how high you set the wind machine, our hair will not move”). “Oooh they get lightning” The Sofa remarks. Well yes, Dima Bilan ‘s probably controlling the weather, just for them. We might not have a clue what he’s singing, but when The Sofa comes to the consensus that it’s probably “I choose my buttlight” I can’t help but disagree…. Extra points for a very sloppy Sergio-inspired backflip.
When André compares the Swiss singer Anna Rossinelli to “the impressive Maltese singer Chiara” I’m just about ready to chuck stuff at the TV. Can we please just have ONE single Eurovision Song Contest without Chiara, please, thank you?! God, André! Well hello there, it’s “Me and my ukelele!”. Apparently she’s wearing a “dowdy” dress (a Wendy Pepper original?), but we don’t let that distract us and stare at her (gorgeous, long, shapely) legs the whole three minutes. Lovely song. I suppose. Not that I was listening.
And another “dowdy” outfit for Georgia (André’s really getting out the fashion commentary this year – do we detect a subtle shift in the commentator-dynamics?) who –let’s just be honest here- gives us a very big Dana International vibe. Is it Her influence? Was there a group reduction for sex changes (as The Queen of Oneliners naughtily proposes)? We don’t know, but we can’t shake the feeling he might be on to soemthing. Someone call the fashion police (if nothing else, take that stylist into a custody) and did Stereo Mike sign up for Georgia as well?
If Tom Dice’s legacy to Eurovision will be a legion of babyfaced boys with guitars singing sugary sweet pop tunes, I’m going to go kick his arse. At least this one’s not trying any sign language or turning into a phoenix. It’ s something. Finland’s song is the perfect moment for us to fill up on the crisps and booze. Yes, yes, it’s the planet, Gorgeous. But what the hell is he wearing?
Oh Malta, how I love you. I do, I really do. It’s quite something when you find backing dancers who can make even Glen Vella look macho. Well, maybe not macho, that’s probably too strong. “He hides it well”, our Straight Boy proclaims. “Is that even legal in Malta?” someone asks. “What? A keychange?” Straight Boy replies. Oh shut up, all of you, you’re bad, horrible people! His boundless enthusiasm and naïve sweet lyrics are enough for a place in my heart. Even if he doesn’t have a chance in hell of making it out of this semi. Go Glen! “You can love yourself too” he sings, “there you go, an ode to masturbation” QoOL replies.
We find out San Marino, the whole bloody country, has as much inhabitants as this shithole the wife and I live in. “They probably don’t even have a baker!” The sofa proclaims. Nice to see there’s a following for the patented Glennis Grace arm movements, but … they didn’t do old Glennis any favours, so why try? “This is the first ballad” someone remarks. Seriously? It seems like we’ve had hundreds!
And I can’t believe we had to wait till the 13th song for the first chlotheschange! What the hell? Is this turning into a song contest or something? Spare me! Thank you Croatia for this horrible awfulness. There’s an ugly Johnny Depp, the most random clotheschange ever (because yes, sometimes clothes changes are not random – how I long for the return of the Croatian Backing Choir Clothes Change where they reveal polka dotted bikini tops under their shirts) and yet another singer who looks like an ugly drag queen. Would have been hilarious if her dress got caught in her knickers during one of the clothes changes. Alas, that doesn’t happen. Pity.
Iceland goes for the sympathy vote and who can blame them. (They’ve got mine, but don’t tell anyone). It’s nice to see Ricky Gervais find his way to the Eurovision stage (it makes a change from “Free love on the Freelove Highway”) and to see the return of the exaggerated wink to the camera (see also Russia). Apparently I missed a chaste kiss between two of the friends while I blinked. I’m sorry, what?! Unlike Tatu, these guys don’t moan about it, they just do it.
Yay for the return of bad 90s Eurovision dance!! I love it, thank you Hungary! And yes, by now we’re sure that Dana International rounded up all her friends to take part this year. It’s not subtle Dana, we’re on to you! “It’s Cher, but without the plastic surgery” someone remarks. And er… was the little crotch light that one of the dancers seems to be sporting intentional? Russia’s “buttlight” is starting to make sense after all.
“Thank you for the money” Portugal is saying with this song “Now look at what we did with it!”. Give it back, you wankers! How dare you, after your recent amazing efforts (we’re not talking about last year’s Disney Disaster) send this. Not even the Portuguese gays in the audience manage more than a few polite half-hearted waves with their flags. You can tell they’re just itching to switch it for the Maltese flag they left at the hotel.
Lithuania unfortunately does nothing to lift our moods. Urgh. Talk about Disney Ballads. It’s like something out of “Aristocats 6”. “Is someone hiding under that dress or is her ass really that big?”… “yep, it’s really that big”. Aaaaargh! There’s sign language! We thought we’d eradicated it in the early noughties, but no, it sprung back again! Like headlice, once you think you’re rid of them, there they are again in all their nastiness! “The sign language might give them some extra points” Sven remarks. Yes. Because the deaf all love Eurovision (!). Oh boy.
For some reason everyone is falling over themselves loving Azerbaijan. I don’t get it. I’m probably turning into a grumpy old woman, but I really don’t get it. Maybe I will in the final. It seems like Europe just drew open a can of babyfaced little boys in white suits. It’s Glee, with a golden shower at the end. Alright then.
And Stereo Mike got back just in time for the Greek song. “Yo yo yo, for all my brothers in Europe, check it out yo!”. Bad “street dance”, a bad “rapper”, overuse of quotation marks, ethnic Greek music, this must be Eurovision. Sakis is rolling over in his freshly made bed. Not even the clothes change and the pyros (the Germans thought “damn, this is the last song, we’d better use it all up”) saves this. Bring back Sakis, I say.
The interval act is a combination of all the drums that have been used in recent Eurovision years. As you can see there’s been quite a lot of them. Riverdance had a double booking I presume. When the presenters come back they’re still in the same outfits. That’s how we can tell there’s a financial crisis on.
Shocking result, in that Armenia and Turkey (two countries of the “could send a farting sheep and still win the whole thing”-variety) are NOT through to the final. Wow. I predict a riot. Or at least a question in the European Parliament.
In the mean time I’ve had it with these fake Danas. Bring on the real one on Thursday! And Dino! And those annoying Irish twins! Hopefully that will be a tad more entertaining.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
The big five: shaggy hair, bulging biceps and strangers lurking around corners.
Last year Germany won the Eurovision song contest with a very simple, catchy song sung by a pretty girl in a simple black dress in the most understated stage setting ever. There were hardly any lights on and frankly I think they even forgot about the wind machine. What is this world coming to?! The result of this is that the big four have not only magically expanded (welcome back, Italy) but they also seem to have gotten their collective act together.
Well, maybe not Spain.
On with the Big Five....
Well, maybe not Spain.
On with the Big Five....
France: Amaury Vassili – Sognu
Waaah! Vangelis! Conquest of paradise! Sung by a hot young thing with shaggy hair. The oddest opera-type video clip I’ve ever seen “hot young guy with amazing voice walks along the seaside”, “hot young guy with amazing voice and leather jacket encounters toothless French person”. Oh The Drama! The Pathos! This might win. My poor Dino. Oh god, I hope this doesn’t win. On the other hand... I’ve never been to Paris....
Italy: Raphael Gualazzi - Madness Of Love
Italy’s back! Apparently we’re all very excited about that. And I’m sure they’re bringing something amazingly qualitative but it leaves me stone cold. I mean, what is this? An actual song contest or something? Puh-lease!! And coming straight after France, well that’s just too much seriousness for me. I should hope the next song is something camp and over the top. Not a wind machine in sight for this one.
UK: Blue – I can
And now for the most ridiculous low budget video of the Big Five: the UK! France gets to take a hike alongside an amazing coastline (and talk to toothless people): Blue gets girls in ripped bandages doing some distracting dance. They’re serious about those cutbacks in the UK, aren’t they. On the plus side, they’re already trying out the wind machine and the portable shower. Now all we have to do is wait for them to get out the S&M gear and the jelly and start wrestling each other. Now I know I said this might win, but frankly I hadn’t heard France yet then. So with this draw, and the funny faces that guy who has to hit the high notes pulls ... you’re not going to win. Unfortunately. Because I like this poppy little thing. But then again, you never know ... perhaps Blue is Big in Eastern Europe? Come on, lads, show us those biceps!
Germany: Lena - Taken by a Stranger
Snicker. Snort. Oh, grow up.... I’m sure she doesn’t mean it that way. At least... I’m pretty sure. The cute girl from last year has grown into quite the vixen in this video. Call me a big perverted dyke, but I preferred the innocence over the squirming, but that’s just me. It’s not a bad song, but I don’t know how long people will remember it for. Still, kudos to Lena for trying out again (and thank god we have a son, we were morally obliged –with the whole pretty much being born on Eurovision 2010-thing- to name our child after last year’s winner and Lena being a pretty strange name for a boy gave us an out –on that same note we were pretty happy Milan Stankovic didn’t win last year despite “Ovo Je Balkan” being stuck in my head during the C-section)
Spain: Lucía Pérez - Que me quiten lo bailao
Again Spain have the best draw of the lot and we can count on them to send in the exact same song they’ve been sending to Eurovision before (apart from when they go for the ridiculous). It sounds like a Belle Perez B-side and I might have to take back what I said about Blue making the cheapest video of the lot. Then again, no, Spain spent money on costumes. And feathers. There must be a lot of naked chickens running around Spain at the moment. The song may not do much for me, but I’d sure like to go to that party (come on! There are people dressed up as penguins! How could I not?).
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Semi-Final 2: Merlin's Mylordos and his luscious thighs
Because a Semi Final 1 without a Semi Final 2 would be... well, it would be like Eurovision without a wind machine!
Bosnia&Herzegovina: Dino Merlin - Love in rewind
Dino Merlin! You know, I was fully prepared to hate this one: no twinky gay boys, no Dramatic Poses, no red flags and not a hint of the bombastic communist army orchestra coming to get us. But then this song wormed its way into my head and it’s stuck there, people. It’s stuck. And then there’s the utterly fabulous ridiculous –not to mention hilarious- dance steps when all of a sudden old Dino is like a slightly drunk uncle at your wedding (which I hope don’t distract from the performance), and there’s waving at the end. Waving! Well then, there you go!Apparently Mister Merlin (I’m sorry, I can’t help but snicker at the name) is a huuuuge star in the Balkan, which is always handy. And with a song like this... and a name like that... Even despite the lack of gay boys, it’s going to win. Quite rightly so.
But what the hell does “Sito” mean?
But what the hell does “Sito” mean?
Austria : Nadine Beiler – The Secret is love
Disney ballad, bla bla bla, good voice, I predict a long flowing gown, lots of smoke and dramatic hand gestures, possible appearance of Andrew Lloyd-Webber... or wait, no, he’s not always on standby. Pity. Wake me up when Chiara storms on stage to hit her over the head with the wind machine.
The Netherlands: 3Js – Never alone
Hmm.I can think of absolutely nothing to say about this. Which is probably not a good sign. Not bad, not bad, a pity they forgot to write a recognisable chorus. Let’s hope they dress appealingly in order to bring out their best assets. Yes, sexism is allowed. This is Eurovision.
Belgium: Witloof Bay – with love baby
Yes, the group name is funny. And how apt that the Walloons are yet again sending a group comprised of people from all over the country. But a capella doesn’t work at Eurovision. It doesn’t. Read my lips, Belgium, A CAPELLA DOES NOT WORK AT EUROVISION. It’s boring. And the beatboxing is embarrassing. Surely I can’t be the first person to tell you this? Surely a million people have said this before me. Which begs the question, why on earth didn’t you listen?? People won’t vote for a song because they marvel at how well you can sing. They want to sing along, they want a stomping disco beat, wind machine, or something that moves them. A capella only moves the vocal masturbators. Aaargh!!
Slovakia: TWiiNS – I’m still alive
Two pouting dressed up barbie dolls singing a song. Twins, I presume? They already broke in the wind machine and the long earrings for their videoclip. But apparently someone thought flattering shots of the girls for three minutes would be boring, so they edited in sports games, a political rally, a natural disaster and a birth. Hmz. I wonder how they’ll fit that in on stage...
Oh, and as someone who was very nearly practically giving birth during the song contest last year, let me tell you: newborns don’t look like that. That is all.
Oh, and as someone who was very nearly practically giving birth during the song contest last year, let me tell you: newborns don’t look like that. That is all.
Ukraine: Mika Newton – Angel
Quite possibly there’s a law that states that every Eurovision must have a song called “Angel” in it. It’s probably up there in the rule book with “not over 3 minutes”, “no politics” and “no live chickens”. And there really is no shortage of hot women in the Ukraine, is there? Where do they keep finding them? Is there a Eurovision-training facility? Points for the feather dress and the hot gymnasts. Shame about the lack of disco stomping beats.
Moldova: Zdob si Zdub- So lucky
Remember these guys? They’re the ones that brought their grandma on stage in 2005. And apparently they had such a blast that they couldn’t wait to come back. An utterly repetitive song (count the times they say the words “So lucky”) but for me it’s a breath of fresh air in this boring semi-final. Go Moldova! Finally some dancing!
Sweden: Eric Saade – Popular
Aaah, a hot guy singing a dull soulless dance song about “being popular”: this must be Eurovision. Bring on the pyro, how very Sakis of Sweden. Needless to say I’m a big fan. And for the most perverted misheard lyrics in Eurovision ever. I had to go look it up because I couldn’t believe my ears. Turns out I’m just a big pervert. “My body wants you girl, I’ll get you when I’m popular”. Yes, well. I thought the “when” was er... something else. Listen for yourself! It’s an easy mistake to make!
Cyprus: Christos Mylordos - San Aggelos S'Agapisa
Christos Mylordos... the only guy who could take the title of “awesomest name ever” away from Dino Merlin. Exactly the kind of tortured song (sung in Greek, if I’m not mistaken) that I love. I’m hoping for an appropriate stage setting, some excellent backing vocals and some charisma. And the second mention of angels in one night. Dear lord!
Bulgaria: Poli Genova - Na Inat
And you can keep the dramatic stage setting for this one. I think I’ve found the Wife’s favourite song (without her even having heard it yet), judging by the singer, the wind machine and the female musicians (oh hang on, I’ve spotted a man there). To put it in her words: “it’s a bunch of women. With guitars. Of course I love it.” The Wife is a sucker for rock chicks with questionable hairdos. Oh god... I hope she won’t want to cut her hair that way...
FYR Macedonia: Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka
I was just going to say that this Semi-final was on a roll (I was even going to add a shout out of “yeah baby!”, it was all going to be terribly embarrassing) until the singer started. So that means after some 10 excellent seconds, the song is all but ruined. No. I wouldn’t go that far, but after a frankly fantastic start... the rest is just... a bit meh. Meh, with bombastic folk singing and dancing however, so there is that.
Israel: Dana International – Ding Dong
There she comes, shriding on stage like a blushing bride. This woman does stairs like no-one else. Dana isn’t one to let anyone steal the limelight. She can do no wrong here, after becoming the first (and only) transsexual winner of Eurovision and co-writing the amazing “fire in your eyes” (2008 - the one with the hot dancing jewish boys), I’ll forgive her the nasal singing and the crappy song. After all, it’s the return of the traditional “switch to Hebrew” halfway through the song. We sure love our traditions. You go on and show Carola what a wind machine was made for, Dana!
(And kudos to the guy at Eurosong.be for consistently spelling “coming” as “comming”. Very appropriate)
(And kudos to the guy at Eurosong.be for consistently spelling “coming” as “comming”. Very appropriate)
Slovenia: Maja Keuc- No one
No sweetie, too many hand movements. And there shall be no dancing when attempting to sing a powerful ballad. All very distracting. Watch a few Chiara performances (yeah, as long as she’s not taking part I’m willing to refer to her) to really get the hang of it. But good on you for braving the stormy winds on stage. Unfortunately, for whatever reason -probably the Mariah-esque handmovements- this leaves me ice cold. Meh.
Romania: Hotel FM – Change
Go Romania for not sending a slutty girl singing “the balkan girls they like to party, like to party like nobody”. For that alone you deserve a place in the final. Unfortunately you have written the most boring chorus since those guys from the Netherlands, which is quite impressive. I predict a “Come on everybody! Clap along”-moment though, so –despite my misgivings about such things at Eurovision- not all is lost.
Estonia: Getter Jaani- Rockefeller street
Miss Jaani can’t decide whether this is a singing competition or a modelling show. So to be on the safe side, she strikes many a pose in her horrid, horrid pink-blue-yellow waldrobe-malfunction-waiting-to-happen. She brought her brother and his friends (or well, I think that’s what they are) along to hop alongside her and to help her count “one two seven three”! I’m too oldfashioned for this stuff. The song is nice though. It is. If they don’t build a trainwreck dress and performance around it. And if they can carry a tune live, which I’m not so sure about watching the video.
Belarus: Anastasiya Vinnikova- I Love Belarus
You might not have guessed, but this is the entry for Belarus. Moldova singing a song called “I love Belarus” would be quite ridiculous. And there’s always one isn’t there... one country that has to send a patriottic song to the contest. One country that seems to think this contest is about showcasing national talent and the beauty of your country. Ha! Idiots! Let’s count the times André mentions that “Belarus is the last European dictatorship” shall we. In case you were wondering what Belarus looks like: “We're gonna fly watching lakes in their full view
Fields are full of gold, and it's all my land”. Extra points if she bring the folk dancers in native costumes with her. And if she inspires scores of western-European countries to sing songs like this next year “I love Belgium! Country full of fries! I love Belgium! With our grey skies!”
Fields are full of gold, and it's all my land”. Extra points if she bring the folk dancers in native costumes with her. And if she inspires scores of western-European countries to sing songs like this next year “I love Belgium! Country full of fries! I love Belgium! With our grey skies!”
Latvia: Musiqq - Angel in Disguise
And our third mention of angels for the evening. Don’t know about you, but I’ve had quite enough of them. Overrated white winged pests! For this one let me just quote the lyrics, they say more (more!) than enough: “Kill me with killa kiss / Kill me with tempting lips / Stare at me with candy eyes / Love me with luscious thighs”. That must be the first mention of “luscious thighs” in a Eurovision song contest! It makes a change from the fire/desire rhyme. And go them for bringing a rapper out of retirement. If it weren’t for Eurovision all the European rappers would be on the dole, so go Eurovision, for saving our social security! Oh, and sweetie, lay off the high note.
Denmark: A friend in London - New Tomorrow
“A friend in Copenhagen” wasn’t catchy enough or something? This is pretty cute though, despite the very 80s haircut. Maybe it’s the way they say “crasy crasy world”. Cute! I just want to run up and pinch his cheeks. Three minutes can be a long time though... but I think Dino might just have a bit of competition. (The wife is grumbling about “horrifying” and “are you out of your mind”, so perhaps Dino is still safe)
Ireland: Jedward – Lipstick
I can’t believe I didn’t know Jedward were taking part. I mean, I have no clue who they are, but I’ve heard of them and I’ve seen them on ‘Never mind the Buzzcocks’ and well.... Ireland didn’t send a singing turkey this year but it’s not that far off really. They really, really don’t have the money to host another contest do they? But hey, Ireland, guess what? I’m voting for this crap! It’s so horribly bad it’s actually pretty fantastic! It’s the closest thing to Verka Serduchka in this year’s competition. Or yes, to Dustin the Turkey. Go Jedward! “Ooooh ooooooh am I heading for a car crash? Hey!!!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Eurovision 2011
As you all may or may not know, last year’s Eurovision was a bit of a turning point for me. For those of you not in the loop: the contest was sabotaged by my unborn son. Well, by his placenta really, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it. Instead of enjoying Eurovision at home, where the decorations were waiting and the guests had been invited, I spent the night of the second semi final hooked to a monitor in the maternity ward. Instead of being allowed to go home afterwards, I had to stay until they would do a C-section, so I also spent the night of the final in a hospital bed, with my wife, slowly swelling up like a gigantic water balloon with a monitor strapped to my belly and a midwife checking in on us from time to time.
Those midwives had no tact to wait until the commercial breaks. Pfff.
Anyway. All’s well that ends well they say, though I can’t deny Eurovision being a bit charged for me now. Delayed shock? Whatever you want to call it. But I’ve had the worst time trying to “get into” the contest this year. Was I going to go all out or not? Was anyone even reading this horrible crap I wrote?
But yeah, tradition won out. So I took a listen and watched youtube videos. In the consolation that this year, there’s no placenta to ruin the whole thing. And that if my son decides to get a horrible ear infection during the final (or whatever else) I’ll know for sure that we’ve got years of Eurovision-struggle ahead. It’s best to be prepared I suppose.
So here we go.
Dino Merlin is going to win. Can we establish that before anything else? Or Blue. But probably our Dino. And not just because he’s Bosnian or because he’s got the coolest name ever : Dino Merlin! It sounds like a nickname for a Harry Potter slash writer! No, his song’s going to win because it’s a brilliant earworm.
But ok, granted, I haven’t heard all the other songs yet, so I might just get on with it and give the rest a chance.
Not that any of them are going to win.
Semi Final one: from “haba haba” over “boom boom” to “da da dam” and “watch my dance”. It’s not exactly university stuff, is it.
Those midwives had no tact to wait until the commercial breaks. Pfff.
Anyway. All’s well that ends well they say, though I can’t deny Eurovision being a bit charged for me now. Delayed shock? Whatever you want to call it. But I’ve had the worst time trying to “get into” the contest this year. Was I going to go all out or not? Was anyone even reading this horrible crap I wrote?
But yeah, tradition won out. So I took a listen and watched youtube videos. In the consolation that this year, there’s no placenta to ruin the whole thing. And that if my son decides to get a horrible ear infection during the final (or whatever else) I’ll know for sure that we’ve got years of Eurovision-struggle ahead. It’s best to be prepared I suppose.
So here we go.
Dino Merlin is going to win. Can we establish that before anything else? Or Blue. But probably our Dino. And not just because he’s Bosnian or because he’s got the coolest name ever : Dino Merlin! It sounds like a nickname for a Harry Potter slash writer! No, his song’s going to win because it’s a brilliant earworm.
But ok, granted, I haven’t heard all the other songs yet, so I might just get on with it and give the rest a chance.
Not that any of them are going to win.
Semi Final one: from “haba haba” over “boom boom” to “da da dam” and “watch my dance”. It’s not exactly university stuff, is it.
Norway: Stella Mwangi- Haba Haba
Norway thought they’d send a female Jesse Matador with a crappy song. Not even the dancing camera can save this one and I give up at the 1min56sec mark. It’s a new record for me.
Albania Aurela Gace Feel the passion
Albania brings us the traditional Albanenglish. At least I think it is. In keeping with tradition it’s pretty unclear. Also pretty unclear is why we’re left waiting for the explosion. You know, the explosion? The whole Windmachine/Carola/Charlotte Nilsson exploding chorus? Yeah. It’s not happening. Offkey singing though, that probably -is- happening!
Armenia: Emmy - Boom Boom
“Boom Boom”? Really, Armenia, really? Are you kidding me? Props for the most psychedelic video possible, but what a horrible chorus. Not even the keychange can save this.
Turkey : Yüsek Sadakat - Live it up
Oh yeah, Turkey’s bringing us rockers with a wind machine, I like it when countries stick to traditions! At last, the first certain qualifier of the evening, and not just because it’s Turkey.
Serbia: Nina- Caroban
I’m always disappointed when I find out Zeljko has not been roped in to write a song for Serbia. Or any other Balkan country, I gather the man is not too picky about that. Really, like Sakis, Carola, Deen and that blond gay cutie from Iceland he should just take part every year. As far as camp goes, this one ticks all the boxes but I can’t help but think they should have just sent real drag queens instead of women in strange outfits. The song grows on me though. Though that could just be the pretty colours.
Russia: Alexej Vorobjov - Get you
Gratuitous crotch shots, a partially unbuttoned shirt and an army of sharp dressed men behind him: why, this must be Russia! Now don’t be fooled by the lack of ice skaters or pianos, it still is Russia. He’s coming to get me, he sings, by god, quick someone lock the doors and windows! Qualifier though. For sure.
Switzerland: Anna Rossinelli - In love for a while
Switzerland ran out of inspiration in the lyric department and just switches to singing “na na na na na na na na na” halfway through the song. This is the kind of effort we can appreciate at Eurovision. Make your music accessible to the masses! Nicely done, Switzerland. If utterly boring.
Georgia: Eldrine- One more day
Bellybutton showing? Really? In 2011? But then what do I know, I’m not hip like all these young ones. Well done in making the best of the wind machine, Georgia. Oh dear god, they’ve brought a rapper along. Why? Nah. Meh.
Finland: Paradise Oskar- Da da dam
Finland brings us a song about a kid called Peter who wants to save the planet. Or something. It’s utterly inoffensive and quite nice in a guy-with-a-guitar-singing-da-da-da-da-my&myguitar-kinda way. Needless to say, it’s not my thing.
Malta: Glen Vella - One life
The last time someone took part with a song called “one life”, it was stuck between Deen and Ruslana and ended in Nipplegate. So this is quite daring. And yes, it’s quite crap, but come on... a song about tolerance and non-discrimination, how can I be horrible about that? So despite it being crap, I’ll turn up the volume, sing along and thank the gods that they didn’t send Chiara again. Thank you, Malta! Embrace the camp!
San Marino: Senit - Stand by
San Marino? Seriously? How can I mock Andorra when San Marino is taking part? What’s next, Brussels taking part on its own?! Though I shouldn’t joke about that, it might happen sooner than I think. Anyway. Thanks for joining the fun, San Marino, and I’m sure it’s utterly beautiful for a Disney Ballad. But yeah... come again next year. And bring gay boys. And feathers.
Croatia: Daria - Celebrate
“Celebrate”? Now I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but the last time someone took part singing “Celebrate” it ended with him punching himself in the mouth with his own microphone. Which was the best part of the out of breath-performance. You let me down Celine Dion Croatia. It ticks all the Eurobeat-boxes, but sadly, for some reason, the order to “celebrate” just makes me want to shout back “I’ll celebrate when I’m good and well ready! Quit pressuring me!” Though it could just be me.
Iceland: Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home
In case you didn’t know, and let me then tell you this before André can do it, Sjonni’s friends are in fact, Sjonni’s friends. Sjonni was all set to take part in the Icelandic preselection when he passed away. So his friends entered and won the preselection in his place. Utterly cute and catchy song. I’ll even forgive them for not sending a gay disco anthem this year. Or Pall Oskar.
Hungary: Kati Wolf - What about my dreams?
Yes, well, what about your dreams? Life is about more than just what you want, you know. Oh, I’m sorry is my parenting shining through again? But this is the kind of big gay disco stomper I love. Extra points for switching languages halfway through, very Israel of you. Yeah baby!!
Portugal: Homens Da Luta- Luta é alegria
Now we all know Portugal is broke. And after sending some bloody good songs in years past they clearly didn’t want to take a risk this year. They figured if Ireland can send a turkey, Serbia can sing a song about an old shoe, someone else sing a song about a traffic jam, the UK can take part year after year, and all of these don’t come close to winning, this must be the recipe for succes, right? Of course sometimes ridiculous ideas, like ice skaters, lesbian harems in homophobic countries, men in monster masks, are succesful after all or very nearly so, like a drag queen dressed in tin foil or ballerinas coming from pianos, so you can never be too sure. But let’s say Portugal easily gets the null points this year. Despite singing a song about the political reality of their country. And go them for it!
Lithuania: Evelina Sasenko - C'est ma vie
The horrible dress is such a distraction I can’t even focus on the Disney ballad that’s being sung. Great singer if she can pull this off live, but I’ll be taking a toilet break. Wouldn’t want to miss the act the Germans have put on for the intermission, after all.
Azerbaijan: Ell & Nikki- Running scared
Azerbaijan sure likes their duets don’t they? Aargh. Well. It’s ok. It’s not bad, it’s not fantastic. It should do pretty well. Two pretty young people singing stuff to each other in heavy accents. What more could we ask for on a Tuesday evening?
Greece: Loucas Yiorkas ft. Stereo Mike- Watch my dance
“Watch my dance”. I’m sorry. What? “No Sakis?” The wife pouts. No Sakis, sweetie. But Stereo Mike! (Seriously? Stereo Mike?) For some reason they dug up a rapper, probably because they feared their Eurovision entries would otherwise be forever remembered being too gay. Yay for the Sirtaki tweedleedeedees, yay for the threatening atmosphere and yay for the guy belting out the song. Shame about Stereo Mike.
Semi Final 1: Poland Magdalena tul Jestem
First off is Poland. Stolen from something (anything) Swedish. Horrid. On the plus side: hairography! So copious amounts of wind machine! And leather! (Or latex! I can never tell the difference from a distance... I know, take away my dyke points now). With the hairography, wind machine and latex combo it’s growing on me. I’m still glad when it’s over though.
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