Final preview

The preview of the countries that have automatically qualified for the final: France, Spain, Germany, the UK and Russia.

Spain – Soraya – La noche es para mi (the night is for me)

Soraya is, like Beth in 2003, a Spanish celebrity for taking part in the never-ending Operacion Triunfo. Speaking as someone who once saw a complete episode of Operacion Triunfo, I have to admire her for that. She must have an endless supply of patience for taking part in a show that drags on and on and on and on and on! I mean, it was hard for me to watch, it must have been even harder for her to sit there and be interviewed for hours on end.... The Spanish just do not shut up when they do live shows, it’s incredible. If they ever win Eurovision again the show will last five hours, mark my words. Not that they’re in imminent danger of winning now, with this rather boring up-tempo Spanish sounding dance thing. An impressive choreography with attractive men might lift it from the realms of forgettability. Or it might not.....

France – Patricia Kaas – Et s’il fallait le faire

France gets out the big guns this year, and brings us Patricia Kaas. Patricia Kaas, people! I have to admit I’d probably never heard a song of hers but I definitely knew her by name... if that’s any consolation. I just wonder if this song is not too classy, too serious for Eurovision. It’s rather heavy, haunting, a tad depressing and it deserves a lot more than it’ll probably get on May 16th. I mean, I really can’t find anything sarcastic to say about this one. That’s quite an accomplishment in itself.

The UK - Jade Ewen – It’s my time

Finally the UK pours some effort into finding a participant for the Eurovision Song Contest: they found none other than Andrew Lloyd Webber (the Phantom of the Opera himself, the man with more facial expressions than a professional mime, the gayest man ever not to be gay) to write the song for this year’s contest and .... it’ s so bloody boring. This could be any other song from any random musical and the chorus drags on and on. But this is actually bombastic and bad enough to do well, it’s exactly the kind of thing middle aged women/homosexuals and grannies will like, and I hope it scores, I really do. The UK need a reward for actually putting in the effort this year (though yes, then so does Belgium every other year, but let’s not split hairs). And if they throw in The Phantom Himself at the piano, well... the queens in the audience might just explode from happiness and text themselves raw. Heck, with Andrew Lloyd Webber on stage and Graham Norton in the commentator booth, UK viewers will probably start wondering what West-End musical everyone’s auditioning for now...

Germany – Alex Swings Oscar Sings! – Miss Kiss Kiss Bang

Sometimes artists’ names and song titles fill me with a sense of dread... a feeling I got when I saw what Germany was sending in. But then I read that one of these guys is the guy who wrote “Das Boot”, the very first techno-ish thing I remember bopping along to back when I was little Piglet, and I became a bit more intrigued. Germany took lessons from the Sakis Rouvas School of Eurovision and sends in a good-looking man with a shirt carefully left open to show the man’s impressive pecs. Next to that slutty angle, they also go for the “quality” angle with this song, like when they sent that annoying Roger Cicero. I’m sure it’s a swing-thing everyone will like. Everyone but the Girlfriend and I. What is it with this final? I can only hope a lot of trashy stuff got through from the semis otherwise we’re in for a dull evening.

Russia – Anastasia Prikhodko – Mamo

It seems the Russians used up their budget with Plushenko and Dima Bilan and The Other Guy last year because this song is just an incredible amount of dribble going absolutely nowhere. The girl appears to be a lightning-quick manic-depressive, going from extatic to despair to anger and right back again in only three minutes. Quite impressive. At least I’m sure the Russians will love it. And what more could you ask for.