Big Five and Denmark

Denmark: Basim – Cliché Love Song

I hate scatting. With a passion. Almost as much as I hate clowns, spiders, bigotry and the extreme right. My hatred for this stuff overshadows anything that this song may or may not be. Without it, I’d probably be hopping along in my seat. But now I can only resist the urge to throw things. I’m sorry, Denmark. 

Germany: Elaiza – Is it right

Oh, this is arty stuff with actual instruments, and a girl in very short shorts playing the harmonica. I’m not sure if I like the singer’s voice, but the song is fabulous, even though I’m not sure if it’s actually going somewhere. I get the feeling I should wear a big flowy skirt and just dance in circles around a room.  As such, with the absence of campfires, I’m afraid it’ll get lost in the other Eurovision violence. 

UK: Molly – Children of the universe

So, if Scotland votes yes on the referendum, how long before they take part in Eurovision and give the UK zero points? But this song should get points. I love it. All anthem-y and revolution-y, I’m a huge fan. Huge. You’ve heard it here first. I LOVE a UK entry. Let it be written down, put in stone, because it doesn’t happen much. Oh, she can screw it up of course, by thinking she’s at a concert as opposed to a television show, but the CD version will be played at top volume in this house and in our car. Come on, Eurovisionland, put that wind machine on and give those backing singers a couple of flags to wave! Power to the people!!

France: TWIN TWIN – Moustache

Is it ever a good idea when the French try humour? Well, yes, I loved Les Fatals Picards, even though I was probably the only one in  the world. Apart from they themselves. And I’m going to love TWIN TWIN. All they want is a moustache, is that so much to ask? (Well, since I’m asking, yes, it is, moustaches invariably make men look like creeps, and if my boys ever (try to) grow one I’m shaving it off when they sleep). Tell me, is it just me or is this faaaaabulous? 

Spain: Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing in the rain

Oh, well, this is a big contrast from the French song. Good though. And English, Spain? Really now? Are we going there? Is the world ending? Sorry, in all honesty, this is actually bloody fantastic. And moving. And if this gets a good draw… well, Spain is quite broke, aren’t they?... bugger. 

Italy: Emma – La Mia Citta

Its good. It sounds edgy. If I even have a clue what that means, at my age. But it’s good. And it scares me a little, which can only be a good thing for Eurovision. Pretty sure my wife will have an instant crush, which is generally also a good thing for Eurovision.

What is going on, are the Big Five sending the best songs of the night? Did they finally get the memo that making an effort is worth it (if not for them, then at the very least for us?).

I guess that’s it for the songs of 2014.

Who’s going to win? I have no fucking clue. Not us. But 2014 might just be a very good year.

(Be sure to remind me of that when some song I hate wins, and I throw a tantrum not seen since the Dima Bilan/Azerbaijan duet debacles).

Denmark: Soluna Samay – Should’ve known better

Denmark didn’t even bother spicing up their “official” Eurovision video. “They want a video? They can have the result show”! “But can’t we just cut to the song?” “No! The whole thing or nothing at all! We spent money on that pyro, Europe should get to see it!”.

Oh, the wife is going to love this. One tip though, Soluna. If you’d have just sung in Danish, the wife would’ve loved it even more. A female drummer though, you can’t do much wrong when you have one of those. I hope to god she loses the ridiculous outfit in Baku though. Though it’s not often you see a guy in a grey hoodie playing the cello.

Denmark: A friend in London - New Tomorrow

“A friend in Copenhagen” wasn’t catchy enough or something? This is pretty cute though, despite the very 80s haircut. Maybe it’s the way they say “crasy crasy world”. Cute! I just want to run up and pinch his cheeks. Three minutes can be a long time though... but I think Dino might just have a bit of competition. (The wife is grumbling about “horrifying” and “are you out of your mind”, so perhaps Dino is still safe)

Denmark: Chanée & N’Evergreen – in a moment like this

First of all allow me to roll my eyes at “N’evergreen”. Thank you. You might be mistaken for thinking this is just a skinny guy with shaggy hair and nice eyes, accompanied by a pretty girl with a bit of a nasal voice. But then comes the full force of this cheesy typically nineties rock-duet. The Other kind of Eurovision. The one without the feathers, but with holding hands, massive keychange and wind machine set to tornado. Yay Denmark! Thank you for not sending “I can’t Believe It’s not Ronan Keating” again!

Denmark – Brinck – Believe again

You’d hope Denmark might shake things up, but with a song written by Ronan Bloody Keating, I get the feeling our hope might be in vain. And it is. Heartfelt Ballad AGAIN (seriously guys, these only work when you rip your shirt open, have a stradivarius, an iceskater or an army of lesbian beauties behind you. You can’t *just* send a ballad, it’s just not on). Brinck wants “to believe in love, believe in something bigger than the two of us”. Well, get on with it then, who’s stopping you? And if all else fails, you can always try believing in Martians, I hear it’s all the rage. Just don’t have Ronan Keating write a song about it.

Denmark and Georgia

We move away from Bulgaria's (fantastic) trashy beats to an annoyingly “decent” song from Denmark. What is it with “decent songs” and their invasion of Eurovision? Why? Simon Mathews’ All Night Long (and I can’t help but sing Lionel Richie’s song over this title) reminds me of Denmarks last decent result: “I’m talking to you” by Jakob Sveistrop in 2005. From last year’s pink feathered drama queen to this, variety is a keyword in Eurovision. The problem with this is, it’s a good song. It’s a happy song, it’s sung well, the guy has charisma, he’s got self-confidence, he’s suave, nice to look at… but it doesn’t do anything for me at all. It just bores me. Still, I’m sure Simon won’t be upset that little old me doesn’t like him, knowing how my favourites usually fare at Eurovision (*cough* Bulgaria *cough*), he’s better off with me not liking him, and I’m pretty sure he’ll do well. I wonder if he’ll be bringing the band (with the actual instruments –urgh-) on stage with him, or if he’ll go for the feathered girls from his promo video (yep, Lineout taught me to watch promo videos).



Georgia’s Diana Gurtskaya goes for the age-old Eurovision classic: songs about peace (see Ein Bisschen Frieden back in 1982) She sings “Peace will come” in an effort to reassure us that things will be alright and give us hope in these troubled times. Now I know I’m a horrid person, and I’m probably hallucinating (reviewing all these songs will do that to you) but on my ipod her chorus sounds suspiciously much like “Piss will come” which –since I’m a 10-year-old at heart- amuses me to no end. Eurovision accents are the best! (… Yeah, give me a boll of yarn and I’m quiet for hours, no trouble at all.) Last year’s Georgian entry (their debut: Sopho – Visionary dream) was quite great (a lady in a red dress surrounded by sword-fighters), but this year… Urgh. I’m too cynical to believe in songs about peace. The performance of this song however –the complete ridiculousness of it- makes up for a lot. “What can we do to prevent a song about peace from turning into a bathroom-break? Oh! I know! Choreograph it to death! We’ll turn Diana from a devil into an angel (do all choreographers go to the same costume shop or something? Or did they all copy one guy who’s now extremely pissed off?) and we’ll camouflage it all with a gigantic bed-sheet. Fantastic!”
Looks like this year’s Eurovision theme is devils and angels then.