Apparently they haven't locked up *all* the gays . Eurovision 2009 Final!

Here we are in gay friendly Moscow, for the gayest show of the year! The show starts with the very butch cirque du soleil. These guys probably keep in business because they’re asked for Eurovision opening acts year after year. The Riverdance guys are waiting for your call, Norway! Save them from bankruptcy!
Oops. I just told you who won. Well, you already knew, didn’t you. Yep, the pre-pubescent boy won. He’s 23 they say. 23? It’s the biggest lie about age since Sandra Kim claimed to be 15, or since Cher ... all the time.


So, Cirque du soleil. There’s acrobatics. Some healthy butch male shoulderpatting (we’re expecting the riot police to storm in any minute now to break up these “satanic acts”) and an annoying little kid. Child labour. It’s Daens, the musical, in Moscow.
Oh my god! The old guy we saw flying through the air with a suitcase was actually Dima Bilan! Who’d have thought! And his jacket gets stuck during his clothes change! Fabulous stuff. Dima Bilan, the man who resurrects ballerinas, small kids and walks over water (ice, but let’s not split hairs) now also runs through walls (walls people!) to be able to perform his song for you again. The Russians are so impressed with his wall-breaking talent they show it three times. In slow motion. To us it just proves they’ve got shoddy bricklayers, but alright.
“And I believe in me” he sings humbly and ascends towards the heavens. Or towards the ceiling anyway.
And finally the show can start! With new presenters, thankfully. A woman who’s wearing 20 boas on her dress and the twin brother Zeljko Joksimovic (or Ross From Friends, or Will From Will And Grace).


Lithuania still brings us the same telekinetic piano playing. We debate whether or not he’s gay but don’t reach a consensus. If he is gay, he’s a powerbottom, we do agree (for the definition of a “powerbottom” I’ll refer you to my friend zurcherart). The flame in his hand must hurt, but he doesn’t bat an eyelid, just forces out a whole story in Russian or Lithuanian at the end of his song. Probably his grocery list. “Mum, don’t forget to buy more burn cream!” No need to be so eager, sweetie, it’s not like you’re going to win. -24th


Anja tells us she gets goosebumps from Israel’s song. Try turning up the heating. No, I do love this, though the sofa is divided. “Rubbish” seems to be the winning opinion. The lesbian lovestory has become even more obvious, when Noa now strokes Mira’s cheek. It’s all a plot to get the straight man/lesbian vote. Or a show of support towards the Moscow gays? Or she’s doing it because Mira’s cheeks are babysoft. “It’s Tatu-light” the sofa remarks. Though Tatu never went this far. They end with some drumming on a tin can. When you’re in a warzone, you have to make do with what you can find I suppose. – 16th


France’s Patricia Kaas (whom we shall not mock because she’s a big star and fabulous and intense and stuff) is missing a piece of her frock. Her shoulder is hanging out, it makes raising her arms a hazard because you never know when a nipple is going to pop out and cause a Russian riot. Patricia Kaas, ladies and gentlemen, doesn’t even need a wind machine. No pyros either. And she doesn’t shout anything at the audience. That means she’s one seriously classy lady. -8th





Aaaah Sweden! The light comes from within and lights up the whole arena. If we wire her to a power grid she could solve all our environmental issues! We’ll have to get out our sunglasses, it’s a wonder her backing singers haven’t gone blind yet. It’s all on tape, it has to be, her singing is spot on. Go Sweden! -21st


When we get to Croatia Anja is recycling Andrés comments from Tuesday and thinks we won’t notice. Ha! We’re sad pathetic die-hards, Anja! We notice! And Anja isn’t the only one doing some recycling: the Russians are recyling their postcards from the semi. Cheapskates. Well, there’s an economic crisis I suppose. The lead singer’s legs are wide apart enough to let a horse through. Who knows, the horse might be backstage. It would explain the riding boots. The backing singers still appear to be very horny, it must be the atmosphere in the arena. -18th


We come to the sad realisation that this final features a lot less glitter and gay than we’re used to for Eurovision. Umlaut points out it’s the economic crisis. No glitter here, we can’t afford it anymore.


Kellly Osbourne is representing Portugal and these people are So Very Happy (not Scary Norway Happy, but getting there nonetheless), there must be prozac in the water. The director treats us to a shot of the drummer’s bum. His front might have been too poofy-looking for Moscow and it probably upset them (have you noticed I’m a bit pissed at Moscow’s treatment of gay rights? Hmm... I’m subtle about it, I know). Perhaps the Montenegrin bumshaking was accidental after all! -15th


We enjoy ourselves spotting Fridrik from Euroband in Iceland’s little chorus. “There he is!” “Oh! There he is again!”. Give the girl a better dress and some glitter and the contest would have been yours! But then the country’s bankrupt, so the wardrobe might have been on purpose. “Barbie goes blue” our token straight woman remarks. Yes. And she can also hold a tune. Our straight guy says he likes it “and I haven’t even looked at her breasts yet”. Well, in that case, we’re on to a winner. -2nd.


Shake your bellybutton, Sakis, shake it! Shake it! Greece needs you too. We’re pretty sure his shirt is more unbuttoned now than it was for the semi (he’s making an effort, after all it’s a bigger occasion!) and even the male backing dancers fall at his feet. Male, female, there’s no escape from the power that is the Sakis bellybutton! He is Eurovision royalty! His shaking gets so enthusiastic he flashes us a nipple. The sofa is ecstatic: Sakis for the win!! The straight guy stares at the TV, openmouthed. Sakis sweetie, you were robbed. Robbed! You’ll just have to try again next year. Just keep trying until you win, deal? -7th




The sofa starts one big exodus/smoking break when Armenia comes on. There’s a lot of smoke on stage as well. The girls are sitting on their bridal cake in the middle of a swamp. “It’s a traditional Armenian song” Anja says. “In English” André adds. Er.... Hang on... The dancers are wearing a garterbelt (ha! Eat that, Dita Von Teese)), which is probably also traditionally Armenian. -10th


Russia’s song is about crying after a lost love, “and where else would you go than to your mum” Anja says. “To an ex of course” the sofa adds, but alas, no-one in Eurovisionland is listening, so we’re treated to a lot of images of the same woman, on the backdrop, on stage, she’s everywhere, singing a god awful crappy song. It’s all quite egocentrical really. She’s got no less than five backing vocalists (with towels on their heads), which must mean her singing is pretty bad. Heck, is she even singing? She might just be letting them do all the work! -11th


“Azerbaijan ’s choreography is a bit amateuristic”, André says. André, the Belgian, says this. Note the irony Mr “I’m from a country that’s not got out of the semis once, while these guys are taking part for the second time, none of us know if they’re even really European and they’re heading for a decent score again”. The straight guy perks up when he sees the female lead singer, but the mind (even his) boggles at the costumes. The lead singer has smoke coming out of her arse and a golden leg. Must have been a terrible, terrible accident.... -3rd


Ah, and here comes André’s and my little jewel: Bosnia. “A passionate lovesong” André says. “Oh? It’s not about communism then?”. “The red flag is the symbol of love” he adds. “It is? Seriously, no communism?!”. But we know better than to argue with André so we accept his words as the truth (the gospel of André shall not be doubted) and enjoy this song. Well, I enjoy it, the rest just suffers through it. The Girlfriend wonders if the lead singer will dare to look into the camera this time (no, but who knows, he might be blind) and a debate erupts about whether or not this is plagiarism, because “it sounds an awful lot like Lejla”. Tsk. Heathens. The lead singer is a bit too old for the emo-haircut he’s sporting, I will admit to that. “It’s the Bosnian Rammstein then”, our Straight Guy says. Bosnia, like Sakis, was also robbed tonight. -9th.


An interval with a bunch of Russians, including a policeman/soldier/their uniforms look so alike it’s hard to tell, who sing very offkey. They also only sing Russian classics. I thought the Pet Shop Boys were big in Russia? You couldn’t have treated us to a heavily accented version of “It’s a Sin”, no? Surprisingly no police force shows up to beat up the camera crew. Or the policeman for singing badly.


Moldova’s written the lyrics on her hand. Probably because she has no clue what she’s singing during the English parts. At least we think it’s English. Since we discovered the song was sung in two languages we’re paying extra attention, trying to find out which bits those might be...it’s hard to tell. There’s a lot of “Ha! Ha haaa! Ha! Ha haa!” going on. But it’s all very energetic and smiley and colourful. Extra points for turning up the windmachine when she sings about “all the weends”. What about those Moldovan winds? We never get to find out... it’ll remain a mystery forever. -14th


Urgh. Malta. She’s wearing a dress. It’s a shiny dress, yes. She can sing. “She’d be the ideal studio singer” Straight Superficial Guy says. Was she always this ginger? It’s a song from a Disneyfilm. The woman deserves a better song... there, I said it. Bad luck, Chiara, though you know, you can always try again. But please... let someone else on that tiny island have a go for once! There’s only three of you and you keep hogging the Eurovision ticket! -22nd


“Estonia’s participants are all very young” Anja says. Straight Man immediately perks up. Shockingly enough they’re younger than Norway (well... “officially” anyway – Mr Rybak’s birth records are probably sealed and Top Secret at this stage-) but they look a lot more mature. Girls always grow up faster, don’t they. What a gorgeous song. Shame about the shoes... dreadful dreadful shoes. They should have asked to borrow That Woman From Euroband’s pink high heels from last year. The lead singer is a smiley and sweet Morticia Adams and Anja says “she’s got one of the prettiest eyes of the night”. Er, which one, the right or the left eye? -6th


I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ronan Keating’s Denmark is there, flying the Irish danish flag. The real Ronan Keating is a liar, André and Anja disappointedly tell us. He promised he’d come to Moscow if Denmark made it out the semis, but where is he? At home in Dublin, that’s where! Tsk! But we shouldn’t be so harsh, Ronan might be stuck at Heathrow, or detained by the police because he looked too much like a metrosexual. Like the Croatian guy, Brink’s spreading his legs so wide he looks like an octopus and we fear he might pull a muscle. We know you’re trying to make us think you’re well hung, but after seeing what Hungary was packing, it’s going to take a lot to impress us. We wonder if the Danes went looking for a Ronan Keating lookalike or if Ronan Keating just fabricated his very own Danish clone. -13th


Germany bring a piano, a weird sofa, a demure looking black guy, a piano player and a tanned gay gentleman in glitter pants and an open shirt (“Hungary’s back!!” We shout happily). “Dita Von Teese was told to cover up during the dress rehearsal” André tells us. Oh, so no boobs to be expected then. Pity, it’s about the only thing that could save this song. Dita Von Teese’s cameo is the most pointless cameo ever. She’s hardly on camera, save for the last 20 seconds of the song, and then they have to introduce her because otherwise no-one will know who she is. As if the name rings a bell now... I do an Anja when I have to admit “I really don’t get the act”. -20th





Yay, Ha-dee-say for Turkey. The audience goes wild (there must be a lot of Turks in the arena then) and we, for our part, demand more close ups of Ha-dee-say’s stomach. It’s a nice stomach and we deserve to see more of it! Unfortunately the director doesn’t seem to be listening to us as he insists on showing us shots of the arena (“look at us, we have a nice building” – It’s not always about you, Russia! Get over yourselves!). -4th


Albania, her dwarf mimes and glittery spiderman come onstage. Strangely enough Kejsi is not scared by either the dwarf mimes or the guy in the weird glittermask (I know I would be), she even climbs on top of them at one point (it’s good to know they serve a purpose) and she manages to sing fabulously despite all the distractions going on on stage. The man who invented this choreography should be exiled, the poor 17th place is his responsibility.


It’s Clearasil time with Norway, “look at us dancing, we can kick our legs up in the air!”, yet again the gays are stunned in silent admiration. You perverts. My god, Europe, those lyrics! “Years ago when he was younger”, what, in kindergarten? The blonde backing singers in their pink curtains are hilarious: “la la la la la la aaa-aah”. Quit grinning like that, Mr Rybak! If the wind changes your face will be stuck that way and then what will you do! “His eyebrows look mean” The Girlfriend whispers, scared, and they do! They do! They’re the eyebrows of hypnosis, destined to lure you into the song and under his spell, ordering you to grab your phone and text him to victory. But I’m immune to pre-pubescent overly smiley boys so I don’t! It seems like I’m the only one in Europe though... -Winner.





“How we doing Europe??!” the Russians ask us. “We don’t like verbs, apparently” we reply, thus giving the Ukraine time to get their kitchensink strip club decor ready.
Svetlana does the splits and the camera zooms in on her crotch. I suppose she was asking for it... “What are those sluttily dressed Roman soldiers doing there?” a naive soul asks, “they’re there to turn on the gays” we reply, “The gays are turned on by tin foil?” . When the camera zooms in on Svetlana’s face the sofa shrieks, she looks about 80! Yikes! “You are sexy bum” she shouts “You are sexy bum!!”.... we’re scared. -12th


Romania’s Balkan Girls still have their mysterious disappearing-in-the-background-ugly-as-the-night-stepsister. I think she’s got the better end of the deal though, who’d want to be remembered for taking part in Eurovision with this piece of crap? “Nice boobs” Straight Man proclaims. Hmm... could this be the reason for her making the final? The straight men, forced to watch the semi by their wives, who had nothing else to vote for in order to confirm their masculinity? Ooh, riverdance! Ooh, the girls have a group hug! Ooh, I wish this song only lasted 3 seconds instead of 3 minutes! -19th (shame on you, Europe, they should’ve come last)


And ooooooh, be still my heart, it’s Lord Phantom Himself for the UK. “Are they doing that thing with the airplane again?” someone asks. See, UK! See! *Someone* is still missing Scooch! But no Scooch this time, there’s smoke, a staircase, four recycled violinists (We *shall use* our six men on stage even if we don’t need them! We have the right and we’re going to use it!), one of whom nearly sabotages the whole thing by trying to punch Jade off her staircase. Now that would have been funny. But the girl can sing –at the points where she’s not moaning in any case-, despite this dire song, there’s very little bad we can say about it. The Lord doesn’t get a great deal of close-ups and thankfully so. He either wants to remain incognito or he knows his face will scare the little kiddies. Whatever the reason, it’s thoughtful of him. The Russians are starstruck and go wild. I go a little bit wild as well. -5th. (Is this good enough for you, UK?)





I always forget about the awesomeness of Finland until I see it again in all its 90s, fire juggling, baseball-cap-wearing-backwards glory. “Is this the Finnish Eminem then?” Straight Guy asks. It may very well be. I’m liking everything this final, I’m going to have to vote for every single country. But not Malta. Or Romania. –last


And the last song of the evening is for Spain. Spain’s girl is dressed in a figure skating costume, the words “take me” appear on the screen (alright then, if you insist... talk about a powerbottom!) and she’s brought her own gaylords. We’re glad to see they evaded capture by the police this afternoon. They’re strutting about on stage, they skip, she crawls, my hormones are all over the place. Crawl for me, Soraya... you go girl. -22nd





And that’s it for the participants. The Russians show us their beautiful, beautiful venue, filled to the brink with beautiful European gay men. If Putin just locked the door and threw away the key, half his problems would be over. Perhaps that was the idea all along... perhaps he did... those guys may all be stuck there.. going hungry. Send us a sign of life, gay men of Europe!
The Russians also try to crush the gays under some kind of swimming pool (nice try, Putin), we figure they tried to recycle Dima Bilan’s ice rink, but it melted.


Highlights of the voting include Anja being surprised at Malta’s 10 for the UK (come on, Anja, get with the Eurovision politics!), our shock at France giving the UK points (and getting one measly point in return from them), Jari Silanpaa looking bloated (Jealous of the Hungarian, Jari?) and someone who looks like Sandra Kim giving the points for Sweden. Ha! And in Belgium she always says she’s sick of Eurovision. Liar!
And the results:
- Despite Sakis’ unbuttoned shirt and nipple flashing he’s going to have to come back again. With even less clothes, this time?
- I suppose that means we haven’t seen the last of Chiara either. God help us.
- The Lord in fifth place. I wonder if he’s happy with it or throwing a fit.
- Lys Assia is dragged on stage to give the trophey to Norway. The poor woman is probably cryogenically frozen after every Eurovision and then defrosted the year after.


I do think Norway’s the right winner, even if it wasn’t my favourite (it’s hard to argue with more than 100 points difference between the winner and the runner up) and more than anything I’m happy Eurovision is moving back to a queer-friendly place next year. Yay Norway!
I think the jury system works, the points weren’t so easy to predict and I think we got a better (more fair) result than we would have otherwise. Despite that, I also feel this was an unusually strong final. I had about 17 countries I wanted to give points to, while in other years I have to do my best to find the 10 I need.
My personal top 5: 1. Greece (obviously!), 2. Albania, 3. Bosnia, 4. France, 5. UK.
The sofa went for: 1. Sweden, 2. Greece, 3. Finland, 4. Turkey, 5. UK.


Now bring on Eurovision 2010!

Moscow

bastards

”An act you wouldn’t even see in the sleaziest bars”. Eurovision semi 2

The show starts with psychedelic accordionversions of Eurovision songs. It’s bad. Seriously. There’s a man playing horse, brandishing a sword and there are women in blue bathrobes. Just when you think it can’t get any weirder on come people in bear suits. Bear suits, people! Both Grizzlies and polar bears, because we don’t discriminate. It’s like Disney on Ice, but without ice – Dima Bilan used it all up last year. And who’s in those suits? I can just imagine them bragging to their friends “I’m taking part in Eurovision this year” and no-one believing them. Murders have happened for lesser reasons, I’m just saying.

Unfortunately Andrey and Natalya –as we discover Mr Grabbyhands and Ms Poofyhair are called, and really what else could they be called?- turn up and they look like they’ve been caught in the blowdrier for two hours. Ms Poofyhair, dressed in a glittery towel, reminds me of the Cindy doll I used to have as a child: I’d brushed and pulled on her hair so often it turned exactly into what Ms Poofyhair is now sporting on her head. And to think… all these years I thought Cindy was gathering mould in my parents’ attic, when she has been presenting Eurovision all along.


Croatia is sending something Julio Iglesias-y, André tells us. Oh, be still my heart. They’ve discovered the technique of turning the wind machine on just one person. It’s uncanny, the thing seems to have it in for her. The Girlfriend predicts he’ll be “expressing the song with his eyebrows”. His eyebrows end up behaving. Unfortunately his vocal chords don’t. He’s wearing riding boots, he’s rugged like that. The girls in the chorus start stroking and touching themselves, Julio’s boots must be turning them on. On comes a clothes change and hey presto! We have two lead singers! This inspires Julio and the girl to start wailing. It’s all very dramatic. We’re not impressed. -Q


Ireland starts with a shot of the most unenthusiast smiley fake drumming ever. “It’s Jem and the Holograms!” someone proclaims. The girls are sooo styled, wearing hip leather gloves, a fashionable rebel’s quiff (is it the year of the quiff I begin to wonder), a punky outfit… oh, it’s all very fake rockchick. Their singing is good. Ooh, and here comes the wind machine! The Girlfriend is warming up to this song… “perhaps I should give it one point”. So generous.


The only thing good we can think of for Latvia (singing about a traffic jam, shouting a word that sounds suspiciously much like “vodka”) are the backing singers’ dresses. It’s all very symmetrical. Impressive. Three songs into this contest and we’re resorting to grumbling, it must be really bad. “Well, he can play with the camera”, Yes, I suppose, “He also has pins on his jacket”. Yes… yes he does. “And a falsetto”. Hmmm. The singer is very tormented about the traffic jam. It must be one Serious Traffic Jam he’s singing about. Anja comments “I thought the girls’ dresses were funny”, André pats her on the head “I thought you would”. That’s a good girl, have a cookie!


Oh, Serbia how I love you. A song about an old shoe brought exactly the way one should bring a song about an old shoe. It’s a difficult concept, but it includes the Magical Quiff (I’m expecting a “Eurovision was sponsored by the Laboratoires Garnier”-statement any time soon), pointy shoes, a leatherboy playing the accordion and a hilarious dance routine. The bald men in the chorus look scary enough to score with a certain segment of the queer population, and the little lego “IT-crowd” backdrop is amazing. Love it!




Wow… impressive fake nails you’ve got going there, Poland. And they had some leftover curtains to dress the backing singers in. Recycling is so very important. The singing … well, the singing is from another planet.The backing dancers try and salvage this horror by getting some random rythmic gymnast to jump through the screen swirling a red ribbon. For no reason I can think of. I mean, it’s not as if the lyrics were screaming for a rythmic gymnast twirling a red ribbon. The lyrics might not be screaming for anything, but the singer is, yikes, and for that matter, so are we: ”think of the children! Please shut up!” And just when you think it can’t get any worse, Poland goes for that last high note. Aaaaaaaaaaagh! Save us!
André’s only comment is “ai ai ai”. How apt.


The boys on the sofa are perking up when they see Norway’s Alexander Rybak. “Well hello there”. The dykes roll their eyes. “He’s too toothy. And too smiley. He forgot his ritalin and overdosed on prozac. And he looks twelve, you perverts”. There’s a beautiful homo-erotic love story when three men pull at each other, but oh no! One of them breaks free and cartwheels over to the female backing singers. He’s converted, he now likes girls! Thankfully the other two still have each other. The message must be “Threeways don’t work”. The pyros make the boys on the sofa protest: “we can’t see him now!”. Honestly. –Q





Ah. The first break. Old Eurovision winners are dusted off and put in front of the camera: The woman from Teach in has the best Dutch accent “Yourovisjion is about sjitting and dansjing”, we wonder if Dana International always had such a big nose, Dima Bilan learned an English sentence by heart and Marija Serifovic has acquired a second chin. The Girlfriend’s dreams are shattered by this last discovery.


And Cyprus does nothing to comfort her. It’s all so fragile, she’s a little elf: she looks like she may come from Norway’s fairytale, but she sounds a little less impressive. “At least Rybak dared to look in the camera” The Gays grumble, still sore that we didn’t join their Fiddler-worship. But this girl looks so young and fragile that we don’t dare make fun of her too much. Though we do miss Lordi’s monsters. They could eat her for breakfast. And use her little friends as toothpicks. But we don’t think that. Even if the song seems to last four hours. And puts us to sleep. Not us!


Anja does nothing to help my stereotyping of her by saying the Slovakian girl is wearing a nice dress. Anja, sometimes you make it too easy for me! We’re taking bets on whether or not they’re going to be singing in tune. The “no” camp is winning. The male singer comes on, sporting a casual “I haven’t had time to shave”-“just out of bed look” that probably took the Russian hairdressers five hours to accomplish (and those guys are already overworked with the mega quiffs) and they procede in trying to break glass with the high notes. It makes us miss Tuesday’s Czech Republic’s performance, and that’s saying a lot.
By this point we’re noticing a new pattern in this year’s Eurovision: trying to suck up to the audience by shouting inane stuff like “Thank you Moscow, “We love you, Europe” and crap like that. Preferably in Russian. Did it ever work? No. Then why do it?


The Russians let us know that “Ded Moroz” means “Santa Claus” in Russian. What this has to do with Eurovision I don’t know. These postcards are getting weirder by the minute.
And lookie here, Denmark is sending “I can’t believe it’s not actually Ronan Keating!” singing a song written by none other than the actual Ronan Keating. “Does anyone still care about Ronan Keating?” one could ask, but apparently Anja and André do, gushing about the fact that Ronan promised to come to Russia if this song made the final. Spare me. The best thing about this song is the fact that the Russians seem to have miss-spelled Ronan Keating’s name. They credit him as “Ronan Keeting” in the little info-box. Brilliant! There’s a lot of smoke (which unfortunately doesn’t lead to a big coughing fit), probably meant to “Set a Mood”. Yes, set a mood for boredom. Brinck seems unable to close his legs, it’s pretty scary. And then he falls to his knees… sigh. It’s not impressive, Brinck, really. If you don’t have an ice skating rink, don’t bother. He ends his song with a very butch punch in the air. The horror! And that for Eurovision! Thankfully the next shot is of a bunch of Danish gays ecstatically waving their flag about. -Q


We come to the realisation that it’ll be hard to find 10 finalists at this rate. Mr Grabbyhands and Miss Poofyhair went for another visit to the hairdressers, their hair is even bigger than it was before. Or it might just be a natural phenomenon with all the wind machines in the neighbourhood. We ponder their relationship further, perhaps Grabbyhands keeps pulling her close because she’s drunk and she’ll fall over if he doesn’t? Her bodylanguage is screaming “piss off” and we think she forces out a few French words. In no particular order. We don’t think she’s actually forming a sentence, but who knows.


Ah, Slovenia with the shadowplay. Been there, done that. “Perhaps she’s too ugly to come from behind the screen” someone wonders. “Perhaps she’s agoraphobic, we shouldn’t mock these things” and we wait… and wait… and still no singing… we keep waiting…. Oooh, people with instruments are coming from behind the screens! Hurray!….. no singing…. Wait for it…. Wait for it… and finally! Out she comes, dressed in a flesh coloured curtain, she opens her mouth and already we miss the blessed minute where she just stood quietly behind her screen. “Spazzzzzzibaaa” she shouts at the end of it all. Or something like it. Whatever. I hope that was Russian for “I’m sorry”.


Hungary, ladies and gentlemen, goes for no less than two clothes changes in about 20 seconds! Way to go, Zoli! Yay gayness! This guy makes Deen look butch. And not only that, but he is packing. He is! He either borrowed Jari Silanpaa’s cockring, he stuffed a sock in there or he is one popular boy in the Moscow night clubs. His singing is bad, but his lisping is the cutest. He deserves 12 points just for being gay in Hungary. You go, boy!






Azerbaijan makes us worry if there is anyone in this whole contest who will manage to stay in tune. Apart from Rybak then. Perhaps there’s a problem with the monitors. There must be some excuse for this, right? God, the girl keeps winking at us. Cut it out, it’s scary! Out of nowhere the guy starts playing the banjo. Or the ukelele. Something small and guitar-like in any case. There’s pyro! Windmachine! Well they do sing they’re “on a mountain high”, it gets windy there. -Q


André tells us Sakis Rouvas from Greece is a half-god in Eurovisionland. Excuse me, Andre?? Pardon me ? Sakis is nothing less than a GOD, thank you very much. Ah, and Sakis left his little polo shirt open a bit, he knows how to cater to his audience. We wonder why the little polo shirt is so wide, but then Sakis starts shaking his… his everything and the shirt rides up, showing us a glimpse of Sakis-bellybutton. There we go, that’s the Sakis we know and love! The Greeks have a fantastic accent “Get reed of the old, take a hold and be free”. The conveyor belt prop is glittery, it allows Sakis to do a fabulous moonwalk and turns into a stapler at the end (the prop, not Sakis). It’s fantastically multifunctional. Someone comments he seems to have a bit of an ego, ascending like he does, at the end of the song. Hush it, at least he managed to hit his high note. He deserves all our respect for that! –Q



“It won’t be a hit” a spoilsport says. “No… unlike “Believe” someone else replies.


The Lithuanian sits at his panio and looks a bit sickly. This semi final is a bit meh if you ask me. “Well, the décor is nice” someone remarks. And by god, Sasha suddenly gets up and walks away from the piano… but the piano keeps playing!! How is it possible?! Meanwhile my gaydar is pinging like mad and I’m trying to keep myself entertained. Why do backing singers in Serious Ballads either wear curtains or slutty short dresses? Is there no middle ground? And not only does Sasha have telekinetic piano playing abilities, he can also make fire in the palm of his hand (scary. Seriously scary) and shows off his linguistic skills by mumbling what appears to be a sentence in Russian. A sentence! The others had the decency to stick to a few words, you bloody overachiever. -Q


Where is Moldova anyway? I wonder about it every year, and then I look it up and forget all about it. Apparently Heidi aus Tirol is from Moldova, and she’s wearing the shortest skirt I’ve ever seen folk dancers wear. If the kids at the local folk dance group here (yes, we do have one) were allowed to wear outfits like this, folkdancing would be a whole lot more popular! Of course this is folk dancing in the gale of a wind machine, that’s a whole different category. -Q



Albania up next. Enthusiasm! Wind machine! Fantastically stupid silly dance song! The costumes are beyond ridicule… far far beyond. She’s dressed in a ballerina mini skirt, there are two guys made up like mimes, and a man in a green bodysuit and glitter mask. You have to see it to believe it. “They should have explained the costumes and the act” someone says, “Or she should have sung in English. Perhaps she’s explaining it in the lyrics”, someone else replies. Erm…sweetie… that *is* English. –Q (yay!)





Shots from the green room in the break. The Slovakian guy does not look sober.


Anja tells us “the Ukraine brings us an act you wouldn’t even see in the sleaziest bars”. André explains that Svetlana was on holiday in India while composing this song and got licked by a holy cow. And then she knew she had to take part in Eurovision. Wow. The things a holy cow can do: Svetlana is dressed like a cheap prostitute and throws everything but the kitchen sink at her “performance”, or no, let me rephrase that, if there was a kitchen sink to be thrown, she’d have thrown two. Her men are dressed like sex-slave centurions (the Romans, not the cylons) and at one point she stops pole dancing and gyrating her hips long enough to sit down behind a drum kit draped in Ukrainian flags. And long live the wind machine! “Perhaps we should take flags on stage next year” I offer. Everyone stares at me “Like that would help us…” – Q





The postcard that comes before Estonia tells us Gagarin means gagarin. Que? It might be a Russian joke (newsflash! The Russians have humour! But then they’ve already proven that with their opening and interval acts…). Thankfully Estonia is a breath of fresh air. Someone told the lead singer to smile at the camera, which she does, and the wind machine kicks in right at the start. It must be nice to play an instrument or be a member of a band at Eurovision. You basically have to stand or sit there and do a decent impression of pretending to play. Lots of camera time, zero stress. Perhaps that could be my role in one of the upcoming contests. Just hand me a banjo or something. –Q





Finally we’re at the end with The Netherlands. This semi was so bad that I’m actually loving them! Gordon put glitter in his hair and is more gay than I remembered.Their outfits are shiny. Shiny. It’s the Dutch version of a pun, I’m sure of it. “Look at our suits, they’re shiny… like the song. Get it? Get it?” Loving their backing singers, loving the “wave your handsh in the air” moment, and the song is so over the top they don’t even NEED a wind machine. Take that, all you other losers! Gordon is clearly having the time of his life and it makes me smile and actually sing along “Sjiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! Sjiiiiiiiiiiinie! Sjiiiiiiiiine!”. Anja says the Toppers brought half of Holland with them (the other half are still in Antwerp) and André quips “a song with a message”.





Ah, the voting. Mr Grabbyhands grabs Miss Poofyhair by the arse: “Wote! Wote! Wote!” they shout. “Don’t! We’re not allowed to vote in this semi! You’ll just waste your money” A&A shriek.
The interval act is one mega folkdancing festival. It’s boring. Backstage must be huge, half of Russia seems to be onstage. Finally Svante “presses his magic button” (yes, he actually says that, the pervert) and we find out who qualified.
“Be my valentine” Mr Grabbyhands tells Poofyhair when the Ukraine gets their ticket to the final. “I’m already taken” she’s quick to reply. Ha! You go girl!
“Oooh, this dress is too tight” she goes “It’s just very hot” he replies. I’m sorry, what is going on here? Get a room!
“What country you want? What country you want?” Poofyhair and Grabbyhands shout at the audience. “We want presenters who actually speak English!” we shout back.
“Don’t touch my face, you’ll ruin my make up” Poofyhair snaps at Grabbyhands. Finally! Only took you two semis!


This semi was in one word… trying. But at least Sakis got through. And Albania. And Estonia. And *all* of Scandinavia. All of them. No country gets left behind in the north, people!
Looking at the draw I’m thinking France is probably doomed and I wonder… should I get excited about the final? I’ve seen it all before after all… but who knows. Perhaps there’ll be extra wind machine action.Let’s hope so.

"The Russians weren't as difficult as we were told they'd be". First Eurovision Semi Final.

The Russians weren't as difficult as we were told they'd be. First Eurovision Semi Final.

Oooh Anja is back in the commentatorseat next to André. I can just imagine them cuddled up together. Him on the sofa, she on the little mat at his feet. Bless.
Russia starts the show with two of the loudest presenters yet. Sweeties, you’re wearing a microphone, there is NO NEED TO SHOUT. Their accents are so heavy none of us understand a word of what they’re saying.
Those annoying scary twins (“It’s The Shining!” someone shrieks) who once won the Junior Song Contest in matching pink frilly dresses are flying through the venue on a swan (I’m not kidding), they probably had a massive fight over who got to ride up front. Suddenly there’s colour and they’re standing on stage next to Mama and Papa presenter. They look like they’re all wearing a bridal gown, including the very male Tiny Mulletman presenter. It’s one big wholesome happy Russian family. “No gays here!”

Finally the torture is over and a whole new torture can begin:

Montenegro! And already we’ve got the first marcelleke tank top for guys of the evening, how’s that for a great start. Halfway through the song Andrea is tired and sits down on a chair that just happens to be on stage for no real purpose. Her little dancerboy (the one who has to “get out of her, out of her, out of her bed”) doesn’t stop smiling and shaking his bum at the camera. He shakes his bum at the camera (with zoom and everything) at least (!) four times. This is not a subtle way to get the gay vote, Montenegro! (It’s also four of the only decent camerashots in this whole contest. Get your act together, Moscow) He’s one of the gayest dancers in this contest which makes for a rather unbelievable lovestory between these two.
André pretends he’s unaffected by the bum-shaking by saying “that wasn’t very impressive, was it”. It wasn’t??! We were very impressed trying to figure out if he was wearing underwear, I’m just saying, priorities…


Anja –ever so helpful Anja- says the guy from Czech Republic, the one in superhero costume, likes his costume so much he never takes it off. Ew. And thanks for the contribution, Anja. Where would we be without that information? There’s an ill advised rap in the middle of the song. Why? As a matter of fact, why even send this song? The only thing vaguely entertaining about it is trying to find out whether or not the lead singer’s moustache is real. The votes are split: half of us think it’s a fake theatre moustache, the other half think he saved for years to get this Freddie Mercury-thing going. “They’re going to win!” the sofa proclaims after three minutes of open-mouthed staring. Of course they are.

And then we arrive at the winner. Our very own Belgium.What magic! What bliss! A true feast for the ears and eyes! Well, at least the guys pretending to play instruments look like they’re having fun. They’re probably the only ones. Our guy looks incredibly scary up close, like he’s been living on a diet of vodka and cigarettes and hasn’t slept in days (probably all true) and all of us hide behind the sofa cushions in shame. We’re sorry Europe, next time we won’t play pretend-Elvis anymore! We’ll probably send something infinitely worse.
“That’s nice” André says. Yes, it’s nice that it’s over.

Thankfully Belarus saves us from the crazy with … more crazy. Better coiffed crazy! The Big Eurovision RockShow With Windmachine And Smoke ™! One of the guitarists, fighting against the blaze of the wind machine, had his hair stuck in waffle iron. I swear my hair was done the exact same way for my Holy Communion. Of course I was 11 and it was 1992, I believe those count as mitigating circumstances. The other’s hair has so much hairspray on it it doesn’t move an inch, despite the massive force of the wind machine. The Russians treat us to numerous shots of the venue. I believe they’re saying “look! We can fill a stadium unlike all you loser hosts before us!”. I suspect the KGB probably *ordered* people to attend, but that’s another story.


Sweden’s girl is so very very blonde and bathes in light, it looks like the light comes from within her and she’s one second away from heavenly ascension. Or it could be like Cocoon, when the old people transform. (Eat that, Holland, with your stupid hand-lights! Our Girl can light up her whole body. “The whole world will be lighted” indeed) “Female backing singers in a suit always score since Marija Serifovic”, the Girlfriend happily sighs. (Q)

The Armenians seem to have lit a fire on stage, as the smoke is overwhelming. They’re also shooting laserbeams from their hands. And they have braids. And a dance routine. Anja says this is the “first good thing of the evening”. We’re just bemused. Meh. (Q)

And we’re on to our first break. Anja does her bit for inter-European relations by saying “the Russians weren’t as difficult as we were told they’d be”. Unite Unite Europe! And “there are 24 cameras here tonight”. Fascinating stuff! Shame the director can’t figure out which ones to use then.

And on we go with the fabulously off-key Andorran version of Gerri Halliwell. She’s dressed in a pillow case with big sleeves. Long live the Vanessa Chinitor fashion statement. Not even the wind machine can save this song. But boy, does it try, they’ve set it to “hurricane”.. probably hoping she’ll fly offstage. The Girlfriend sighs something about girls with guitars. Perhaps I should contemplate getting one….

I had such high hopes for Switzerland’s britpop but it falls flat on its face. One of the guys starts headbanging before the tape even starts, showing us this is going to be rock music. Or something like it. “Mind your posture! Stand up straight” the mother in me shouts at the television. What is it with these “rock” dudes who think it’s “cool” to ruin their posture and their spines by bending over so far they look like they’re talking to a bunch of deaf toddlers? It’s not cool, kids, don’t do it.

Since Hadise is taking part for Turkey we have to pronounce her name as Ha-dee-say. Back in the day when she took part in Belgian pop idol we just called her “Hadeeeees”, but ok. There’s big hair! Pyrotechnics for no apparent reason! Not a lot of clothes! Shackles on the girls’ feet (and quite rightly so, know your place, women!), a guy they seem to have plucked off the street (why is he not wearing anything that remotely resembles what the girls are wearing?) and finally a decent shirtless dancer who looks like a model for Studio Garnier. “Instantly impressive hair! Fearless in the face of a windmachine” (Q)


Israel is all harmonies and “we love each other really” and “we didn’t mean to blow you up” and “sorry for stealing your land” and rainbows and kittens. Surprisingly enough I don’t find it nauseating, I quite like it even. The Girlfriend discovers a lesbian lovestory in the act: Noa (obviously the Master in the relationship, judging by her S&M outfit) and Mira are singing to each other, holding hands, a symbol for a love torn apart by hate and bombs. It ends with them skipping off towards the sunset. And a weird drum sequence with absolutely no purpose. It is Eurovision after all. (Q)


Bulgaria brings us the Classic Eurovision Trainwreck™ and how I love them for it. Thank you, Bulgaria! Stiltwalkers who play helicopter with each other, costumes designed by the colourblind, a lead singer in a knight’s costume with cape (yes, I’m absolutely serious here), a man dressed in just ribbons, a mullet brought to a new dimension and basically a riddle to find out how all these costumes and themes are connected. Add a falsetto to that, mega-wind machine action and the unprecedented lyrical quality of “gimme gimme your touch, showme showme your love” and by god, you have a winner in Piglet’s Eurovision Song Contest! I love you, Bulgaria!


Iceland got their inspiration from Avatar’s waternation as the girl is dressed in a horrible blue frilly frock and the backdrop for her song is the sea, with a sailboat passing by and at one point even a dolphin. A dolphin! The Girlfriend bets Yohanna probably has a dolphin tattoo somewhere, “the little rebel”! Nevertheless, the ballad is decent, very well sung, boring as hell, but ok… the fact that Fridrik from Euroband (waaaah!) is in the chorus is a consolation to me. I’m thinking Fridrik will become the new Chiara, he’ll just keep coming back to Eurovision till he brings the prize home. (Q)

FYR Macedonia (as I don’t dare write “Macedonia” since I got told off by a bunch of Greeks about it “Macedonia is ours! Hands off you ex-yugos”) sends two poodles who think they’re singing a rock song. They’re obviously in the wrong hall then, this is Eurovision, you idiots! André says something like “And that was the Macedonian entry”. Damn you, André, it’s “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia”, try and keep up! I’m predicting strained relations between Greece and Belgium from now on.

On to Romania’s crappy entry. The girls are dressed in seaweed and one of them looks uncannily like Ha-dee-say. Two minutes into the song we discover a backing singer (probably the one doing all the singing) far far away in the background. She’s dressed in the same colours as the backdrop. “You, go and stand overthere! And try to blend into the background! You’re not pretty enough for this contest!” Eurovision can be cruel. (Q)

Finland! Fire ! Skimpily dressed girls ! The biggest nineties throwback ever, including a lead singer with his baseball cap on …backwards (The rebel!) and shirtless men waving sticks on fire. The girls are basically just standing about looking slutty and botoxed. I decide they deserve points just for the firehazard. And apparently (according to the straight girls/gay boys on the sofa) for the nicely waxed pecs of the fire-jugglers. Alrighty then. (Q)


Anja tells us the Portuguese singer just “radiates Portugal”. My god, I hope that’s a figure of speech. And if she does, then Portugal looks a bit gloomy, seeing as she’s dressed in a black frock and black tights. But thankfully Portugal threw together a group of the gayest men they could find and handed them each an instrument (“you don’t have to play for real, don’t worry about it”), so we get a glimpse at the gayest way ever to play the banjo and the drums. The men are smiling beatifically at the camera. Play that mini-banjo, sweetie! (Q)


And then we get to Malta’s snoozefest. Haven’t we heard this song before? Yes, twice before actually. And she’s probably even wearing the same dress. Yes, Chiara knows how to belt out a song. Blablabla…boring. Boring. Boring. See you in 2011, Chiara! (Q)

Bosnia&Herzegovina sends us an ethnic ballad with a windmachine sung by a very tortured looking Herr Flick. I love you, Bosnia, I do. Unfortunately I’m the only one in the house who does. Cretins! Heathens! At least André and I are fans. (Q)


And that’s it for the contestants. On come Mr and Mrs Shouty Grabbyhands (he can’t let go of his co-presenter) and the Big Russian Intervalact. It’s a doozy. (Have a look here if you think you can handle it).
In order to show us their friendly face Russia first shows us a list of all the things they’ve won in the past year, they’re ever so humble. There’s something with an iceskating rink and a mullet, then something with icehockey, some beautypageant.
And then, all in the nature of friendship, one of their army choirs goes on stage to mime Russian classics (I’m a sucker for Russian choirs, but let’s keep it quiet), there’s some folkdancing and they show they’re trendy with a couple of American Russian cheerleaders and those faux-lesbian-hasbeens Tatu. It’s every cliché under the sun and I’m loving it. To top it all of, the show ends with a bright blue airplane that’s wheeled on stage (“we have planes and we’re watching you”) and a pink (pink!!) little tank. Russia: the best combination of war and showbizz you’ve ever seen. I’m thinking they’ll show us a nuclear warhead in the interval act for the final.

I can’t wait for Thursday. Bring on the next semi! I’m ready for it.

Eh?

Patrick Ouchène is apparently great at talking out of his arse!

One of the few comic acts of the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest comes from Belgium. The experienced rockabilly singer Patrick Ouchène has taken on the character of a crazed Elvis impersonator, blaming Elvis for stealing his style.

“It's really funny,” Patrick says. “But there's also a message behind it. In Belgium, there are some political problems between the French speaking people and the Flemish ones. The cat is the symbol of Belgium and the team consists of members of both parts of the population, so we represent the united Belgium.”

Quick! Before Carola sees it!

It's a real Eurovision Windmachine.

Thank you, Schlagerboys.

Moscow bans gay pride

*again*

Only this time, they're banning a gay pride on the day of the Eurovision final. A day with lots of cameras in Moscow. And a festival which has brought a lot of gays to the city. Pride organisors have asked Eurovision participants to show their solidarity with the gay rights movement.
Let's see if any of them do.

Croatia – Igor Cukrov ft Andrea – Lijepa Tena

Seriously, Croatia? You’re really sending this? This sirtaki-esque monstrosity? With all the other stuff you could send and indeed, have sent over the years? This is no way to behave for my favourite Eurovision Balkan country! The most entertaining thing about this entry is the fact that Igor’s eyebrows seem to have a life of their own...They might even be hired caterpillars, enjoying their stay in the spotlight. Now I know I’m a fan of the Balkan ballad, but this is a bit much even for me. If they keep up with the pyrotechnics it could turn out a bit more interesting... just keep the fireworks away from the caterpillars, I hear they’re flammable.

Semi Final 2

And now for a look at what we'll be seeing in the second Semi final next week:

Ireland – Sinead Mulvey & Black Daisy – Et Cetera

Sinead Mulvey & Black Daisy! What a fantastic name is that! “Hi, my name’s Sinead and this is my friend Black Daisy, we’ll be entertaining you tonight.” Brilliant, I’ll have to add it to my list of girls’ names: “Daisy, Black”. Ireland is attempting to “rock” which can really only lead to overpriced sunglasses, a Nobel peace prize and lots of strutting about chatting to the pope *cough*Bono*cough*, but I don’t think these girls will go that far. Their preview video is a nightmare for dyslexics and I’m sure the Girlfriend will be waving an Oirish flag about on May 14th. Not sure if she’ll be able to get out the flag on May 16th again, but this is nice enough.

Latvia – Intars Busulis – Probka

Intars Busulis... the name sounds like a disease, but let that not colour our judgement! Every year there’s always one suck up to the host country who brings their song in the native language and this year it’s Latvia. I thought Latvia didn’t particularly like Russia, but then, yes, that’s the spirit of Eurovision I suppose “Apparently you guys sung in English last year but the accent was so heavy we were convinced it was Russian, oops, our mistake”. If the Youtube translation is to be believed this is a song about a traffic jam. Brilliant. Basically a lot of guitars, shouting and noice. Ah well, it could have been worse, at least they didn’t send pirates this year.

Serbia – Marko Kon & Milaan – Cipela

After a song about traffic jams, now we have a song about a shoe. Only at Eurovision! And finally some good old fashioned craziness! Thank you, Serbia! A generic fat guy with a ginger afro, an accordion player, bald men in suits doing a strange choreography and a blonde woman who struts about and looks arrogant. Fan-tas-tic. The song is about an old shoe and a woman who didn’t want the lead singer until he had money. Well, we’ve all been there, haven’t we.

Poland – Lidia Kopania – I don’t want to leave

Judging from the title alone I get the feeling I *am* going to want her to leave, preferably very very far away. Shoo! Shoo! Heartfelt ballad sung by young beautiful woman number 156, and I suppose it’s one of the better ones (cheesy, but surely that’s what they’re going for). Yes, you don’t want to leave, but it’s your destiny, I get it, woe is you. And just when you think you’ve reached the ultimate cheese-factor, in comes the gospel choir.... Here’s hoping for a wind machine and some pyrotechnics. And off-key singing. Agh, so many ballads, so little Eurovision.

Norway – Alexander Rybak – Fairytale

For some reason people think this is going to win. I don’t get it. Sure, he’s nice looking enough for what appears to be a 12-year-old. He’ll be a big hit with the Gays, the Grannies (the latter will fall for the violin he pretends to play) and the 13-year-old Girls, but is the rest of Europe (*is* there another demographic watching Eurovision you might ask) really going to fall for this? Yes, ok, so there are buff men doing something that looks like folk dancing, backing singers dressed in curtains, and the lyrics are the most cringe-worthy you’ve ever heard (yes, worse than that song about the old shoe) but come on... don’t let this guy win. Unless he gets an iceskater on stage. Then all bets are off.

Cyprus – Christina Metaxa – Firefly

Christina comes to Eurovision with the mission to show that “'teenagers have the strength to set targets and follow their inner light” You know, in my opinion teenagers should hang around on the street, get drunk, have sex and be depressed, not follow their inner light. Who knows where it might lead them! The teenage mind is a scary place… best to stay far away from it. For some reason the promo video looks midieval, probably because teenagers back then also had to set targets and follow their inner light. Heartfelt ballad sung by a beautiful woman number 157, perhaps she can share Poland’s gospel choir. Meh.

Slovakia - Kamil Mikulčík & Nela Pocisková - Leť Tmou

Welcome back to Eurovison, Slovakia! Long time no see. Be sure to give your 12 to the Czech Republic to show them “no hard feelings” and you’ll fit right in. Dear god, if this semi final goes on like this it’s no wonder Norway might win. It’s probably all very decent and arty and heartfelt and instrument-y (sounds pretty off key as well), and I don’t get it. My brain is probably too befuddled from prolonged exposure to disco music and keychanges. Sorry Slovakia. Next time send a 12-year-old with a violin and buff folk dancers.

Denmark – Brinck – Believe again

You’d hope Denmark might shake things up, but with a song written by Ronan Bloody Keating, I get the feeling our hope might be in vain. And it is. Heartfelt Ballad AGAIN (seriously guys, these only work when you rip your shirt open, have a stradivarius, an iceskater or an army of lesbian beauties behind you. You can’t *just* send a ballad, it’s just not on). Brinck wants “to believe in love, believe in something bigger than the two of us”. Well, get on with it then, who’s stopping you? And if all else fails, you can always try believing in Martians, I hear it’s all the rage. Just don’t have Ronan Keating write a song about it.

Slovenia – Quartissimo ft Martina – Love symphony

And again with the instruments! You’d think something decent won last year…these people must have been watching a different contest than I did. Violinists have been making money this past year, despite the crisis. But at least Slovenia is trying to appeal to our inner Eurovision-queen by adding a disco beat, repetitive lyrics and an ugly blue dress to all the fiddling. It could do with a ballet dancer or two, but perhaps they’ll save that for the night: have one of the musicians rip off his suit to reveal a leotard, it would make the whole thing less static. Take my advice, Slovenia! You won’t regret it.

Hungary - Zoli Ádok - Dance With Me

Zoli Adok AND Sakis Rouvas in one semi final! Tempers will flare, hemlines will fly! Ah the good old 90s trashy dance complete with trashier psychedelic videoclip INCLUDING the gayest ever dancing sailors (and you know when you’re talking gay sailors, the gayest ever must mean a LOT, right), the scariest ventriloquist routine, a gratuitous shirtless dance sequence, the scariest seventies bellybutton-midriff-showing-t-shirt-for-men and the cutest lisp when he sings “make me lose my way”. The song is pretty crap, but the sheer queerness of it all makes up for a lot. Congratulations Zoli for keeping it in the right Eurovision spirit (guitars- no, gay sailors- yes!)

Azerbaijan – AySel & Arash – Always

Since “Azerbaijan” is so difficul to spell they decided to keep the song title at least quite simple. Thank you, Azerbajian Azerbaijan. Now let us take a minute to mourn the crazy and fantastic angel/devil combination from last year. Alas, this brings us right into the realm of trashy boy/girl eastern-sounding-y dance stuff. Bo-ring. The video features copious amounts of wind machine and pretty amateuristic dancing which is promising for their performance. But since Arash is apparently well known in big parts of eastern Europe, it’ll be another no-brainer for the final.

Greece - Sakis Rouvas – This is our night

Oh Sakis, you of the ingeniously tight shirt, you of the I-can’t-sing-but-I-can-shake-and-that’s-good-enough-for-a-third-place, you of the flirting with Paul De Leeuw: Welcome Back!!! “If that mullet can come back a second time and win, I’m in for a shot” you must have thought (well you and Carola, Charlotte Nilsson, Chiara, … it doesn’t always turn out so well really, but let’s not dwell on that!). But oh how we’ve missed you. And I’m so pleased you bring us another gay dance stomper, we really can’t have enough of those at Eurovision. Be sure to bring some dancers, to perhaps even take off your shirt and don’t forget the wind machine (perhaps you can borrow Azerbaijan’s). Perhaps you can do this great dance with dancers in a lit up closet who do some kind of nodding/tic routine? No? Well, think about it. Sakis, you’re fantastically trashy, don’t ever change.

Lithuania – Sasha Son – Love

"Love is a book, and you've got to read it", the great Poet and Philosopher Tose Proeski once said. And really, that's all that should be said about love. But no, apparently other people decide to come up with their own theories and songs about love. The nerve really. This is a Song With A Message. Seriously? I’m allergic to songs or videos with a message, I can’t help it, it’s in my nature. We see an Evil Mother being rough with an Adorable Child “Stop the violence” comes up on the screen. Yes, yes, we shall stop the violence, I promise! I’m sure Evil Mothers all across Europe now feel guilty and ashamed….Ugh, please cut it out. Thankfully there are some shots of Sasha “in concert”: a wannabe-Rufus Wainwright (well, he’s wearing a hat, a weird scarf and he’s very intense, it’s good enough for me) at a piano. In all honesty, it’s an ok ballad, there’s a decent keychange, we’re hoping for pyrotechnics …it ‘ll probably do pretty well. (It’s not really that bad even, as far as Ballads With A Message go)

Moldova – Nelly Ciobanu – Hora Din Moldova

Yay! Folky! Basically one big folky advertisement for Moldova. Judging by the video, these guys have already made their between-the-songs-postcards just in case they win this year. It’s “Something Different” and –though this is beside the point- I do love it when youtube video-comments of a certain country become flooded with political viewpoints: in this case whether the Russians or the Romanians are the biggest villains in Moldovan history. I tell you, Eurovision is good for your general knowledge. I know *nothing* about Moldova but at least now I know that something once happened there. With Russians or Romanians. The jury is still out on that. Oh god, but grown men folk dancing is hilarious, isn’t it.

Albania – Kejsi Tola – Carry me in your dreams

Wooohooo, Adorable Accent to a Dancebeat-Alert! Ladies and gentlemen, this girl was born in the 1990s… the 1990s….In my mind people born in the 90s are still at primary school, but no, here they are at Eurovision singing gay disco dance stompers. Well, at least they’re doing something constructive with their lives, right? Oh, Miss Tola, if you manage to sing this well you’ll definitely become one of my favourites. We all love the big dancy torchsongs, don’t we.

Ukraine – Svetlana Loboda – Be my valentine! (anti-crisis girl)

Svetlana is described as nothing less than a “creative genius” in her bio. It’s always nice to see how modest Ukrainians are, isn’t it. And this song is called “be my valentine!” not “be my valentine”, no no, there’s an exclamation mark, you shall listen to them! Now if there’s anything the Ukrainians can, it’s write a Eurovision entry: they invariably send gorgeous women who can hold a tune, sing stomping dance songs and have fantastic choreographies (well… apart from those two times of which we shall not speak: once was just trying out and the other time they were so excited after their election, it’s hard to blame them) . And this is no exception, perhaps not a “genius” just yet, but I’ll be damned if this won’t do well. – I mean the Ukraine is so Eurovision their video even features two gay angels caught in the act. (see, I won’t be too far off with my theory that Eurovision is good for gay liberation in eastern Europe)-

Estonia – Urban Symphony – Rändajad

From one end of the Eurovision spectrum to another: after big gay dance stompers we’re off in the folky realms. I’ll give them ten points extra if André mentions “Urban Trad” (just in case we might forget there was once a time –very rare and very long ago- when Belgium actually came second in this contest). I think this song and the girls singing and mock-playing it- are gorgeous. I’ll eat my cat if this doesn’t make it to the final. Seriously. I'll eat Kiwi, the biggest one.

The Netherlands – The Toppers – Shine

After so much beauty we’d need something to bring us down, and thankfully Gordon & co are there for us. And notice how “De Toppers” became “The Toppers”. Oh, Toppers, and you promised you wouldn’t change! I’m devastated by your treason. When we watched the Dutch national final we thought this song, while terribly oldfashioned, was more or less bearable. Now I’m thinking I was probably on drugs when I voiced that opinion. This whole thing is wrong wrong wrong wrong: from the slow build up, to the Done-By-Slovenia-Ages-Ago lights in their hands, to the cheesy lyrics (“love will make us glow in the dark –that’ll be a nuisance, won’t it-, open up your heart”) and not even the keychange redeems it. If they make it through (which I hope they don’t) it’s on the merit of being the last performance of the evening. That or a massive European lobotomy.

Semi Final 1

And here we are! 2009! Moscow! After that tweaked out of his mind mullet with his iceskater and violinist won for some reason or other, there was really nowhere else to go. And if you think Belgrade was bad for queers, how are they going to handle “we like to forbid, picket and punch up gay pride”-Moscow?
Finally Eurovision has a purpose: bringing hordes of homosexuals all over Europe and –who knows- perhaps changing the way people think. Through glitter. And sequins. And bad music. Brilliant!

On with semi final 1... 10 of the following countries will go through to the final where they’ll meet up with the Big Four and Russia. We know one thing for sure... Belgium won't be one of those cuontries! Apart from the that, the race is open.

Montenegro - Andrea Demirovic - Just get out of my life.

Oops, a political song that’s gotten through the EBU net? An anti-Serbian chant? Or perhaps more personal, against Dima Bilan and his mullet? Nope, it’s a happy happy balkan disco tune in fabulously accented English, expect an uptempo dance routine with hot guys and – if the girl can hold a tune- a repeat in the final.
Could be that I’ve seen too much of Rupaul’s Drag Race these past months, because Andrea looks suprisingly much like a man in her promo picture.

Czech Republic - Gipsy.cz - Aven Romale

Yes please, we need superheroes at Eurovision. After supermullets, pirates, grannies and singing turkeys this is a minority that’s not been represented enough at Eurovision. And it’s a Gipsy Superhero! That’s a minority within a minority, how amazing! The song starts with beautiful violin strings and then dissolves into gibberish. I don’t get it, but then I didn’t get the pirates either, so it could just be me.

Belgium Copycat – Copycat

Yes, our song this year’s so good we just used the same name twice! That’s how brilliant we are. Copycat is –yawn- about a singer who says that Elvis copies him. Surprisingly –not- this singer sings exactly like Elvis and moves like Elvis and dresses like Elvis and has hair like Elvis and even if he were a singing turkey or a superhero, you’d still get the bloody point that this is an Elvis impersonator. Elvis fans in Belgium have been up in arms for the lyrics “he’s too fat to rock’n’roll” and that’s by far the most interesting thing about this song. Or it could be the cartoon cat, I quite like it. A song for Belgians to groan and look embarrassed, unless it’d do well and then we’ll all say we loved it.

Belarus – Peter Elfimov – Eyes that never lie

Peter Elfimov stole Copycat’s Elvis costume! The nerve! I can sense a riot erupting at Eurovision again.
-staying in the Rupaul’s Drag Race theme, Peter Elfimov looks like Ongina with hair and a good 50 cms taller- The poor guy has the tough job of singing a symphonic rock type thingie in front of a bemused unimpressed audience. And that’s just the video, wait till he has to do it for real at Eurovision. He looks completely lost on stage and like he’d rather be performing in a musical... if you stick around till Saturday, you might get to meet Andrew Lloyd Webber, sweetie.

Sweden: Malena Ernman – La Voix

A Swede singing pop-disco-opera with a French title flanked by gay ballet dancers in suits... how can this possibly go wrong? And there are flags and funny hats and all! I’m such a poofter, I love this. Just take a lesson from Charlotte’s fate last year, sweetie: wind machines are good, but stay away from the sunbeds, the botox, bad lighting and the uninspiredly poofy old backing singers. OK?

Armenia : Inga & Anush – Jan Jan

Inga and Anush ... the names sound like they could come from a bad Swedish porn film. It’s all terribly confusing. The video shows us there’s what appears to be a dance with this horrid tune, it’s like Bollywood’s arrived at Eurovision. While I’d usually say Bollywood is a good thing this time I’m not so sure. But seeing as this is Armenia, it’ll get through to the final without a problem.

Switzerland – The lovebugs – The highest heights

“The lovebugs” are apparently one of Switzerland’s leading rock bands. Right, well, that’s quite the introduction isn’t it. Big in Switzerland sounds almost as impressive as big in Belgium! But they bring a very nice tune, quite catchy... they deserve to do well but I fear this might get lost between all the young poppy sluttily-dressed girls and the shirtless buff guys of the contest.

Andorra – Susanne Georgi – La teva Decisio (get a life)

Really, Andorra, this is the best you could do? Seriously, no one better in that mini-state of yours? Susanne Georgi used to be a member of the 90s one hit wonder “Me and My” and that’s about the most interesting thing you can say about this entry. I vaguely remember “Me and My” by name, though I can’t remember their song. Ah well. A bit like this song then, in one ear out the other. Worst of all, she pretends to play the guitar while she’s singing her poppy ballad. How many times must I repeat the “no guitars at Eurovision”-speech?! “I’m getting a life” she sings. Well, kindly go get it elsewhere.

Turkey – Hadise – Düm tek tek

Belgium had a potential winner. Did you know that? No. Well, we did. Her name is Hadise and she’s Belgian from Turkish descent. Unfortunately –for our Eurovision future- after taking part in Pop Idol, she got “discovered” in Turkey, became a TV star there and is now representing Turkey and not Belgium. Does that mean she’s now Turkish of Belgian descent? Who knows. Düm tek tek ticks all the Eurovision boxes: ethnic dance tune, sexy young girl, lots of bootie-shaking and a biiiiiiig diaspora vote. Turkey might get their first 12 from Belgium since Armenia entered the contest.

Israel – Noa & Mira Awad – There must be another way

Israel goes back to their peaceful Halleluyah-entry-tradition, as usual multilingual, with no flag waving, feathers in arses or fire/desire rhymes anywhere in the area. And who could not be moved by this? Two gorgeous women, one Jewish, one Palestine, singing a song about peace with lyrics like “and when I cry, I cry for both of us” (apart from “there must be another way” the only bloody lyric I understand in this song). With a nice dress this one should be going straight to the final. Next we’ll demand a Russian Orthodox minister singing disco hand in hand with a leatherboy!

Bulgaria - Krassimir Avramov – Illusion

With ballet dancers on stilts, a man dressed like knight (with the highest vocal since Jimmy Somerville on helium or –to stay in Eurovisionland- David D’Or), very bad offkey backing singers, lots of operatic shrieking , 80s disco lyrics (“all I want your touch, baby need you much”), and basically a lot of walking about on stage, this one is too good to be true. Go Krassimir Avramov! Long live Bulgaria!

Iceland – Yohanna – Is it true

Oh my beloved Iceland … thanks for making me feel ancient, this girl was born in 1990. 1990! And thanks for making me feel like a pervert preying on young meat, because this girl is gorgeous. Gorgeous! Unfortunately Iceland have not followed in last year’s fabulous footsteps, but instead have chosen a dull ballad this year. Well, it’s an economic crisis after all.

FYR Macedonia - Next Time - Neshto Shto Ke Ostane

FYR Macedonia shocked the union last year by sending total crap and NOT making it to the final. Barely, but still, no final. This time they’ve sought to remedy that by sending… completely different crap. No slutty girls, no fake-rappers, no… rock, the “Brian May would like his hair back”-type. They might as well be Finnish.

Romania – Elena – The balkan girls

Romania’s shamelessly going for the Macedonian vote by sending a half Romanian/half Macedonian singer (though which half is which I wonder) with a song called “the Balkan Girls”. Sigh. The lyrics are as intelligent and thought-provoking as you’d expect with a title like that, namely “the balkan girls they like to party, like to party like nobody”. Woah. Nobel prize material there! There are corsets, gyrating hips, knee-high boots… and according to her bio Elena comes from a “family of priests”… how does *that* work?

Finland – Waldo’s people – Lose control

Eurovision.tv promises us “the ultimate dance hit”, and I fear I might be at a loss on how to describe this. It ‘s very 90s, yes, and the 90s are hip again, and for some reason this is growing on me more and more in all its cheesy bad-dance quality and right next to me the Girlfriend is singing along at her first listen. It ‘ll probably not go anywhere in Eurovisionland, but I can promise it ‘ll be played at our wedding! Come on people, just listen to that keychange!

Portugal – Flor de Lis – Todas as ruas do amor

Wow, after last year’s Portuguese entry it seems like the Portuguese won’t be given up their language ever again. We can probably expect riots when they send in an English song in ten years time. It’s good for our language education (one of the many perks of Eurovision) so obviously I approve. Portugal proves their intention of becoming the next Ireland with their folky sweet song and I absolutely love it. Go Portugal! If this doesn’t go through and “the Balkan girls they like to party like to party like nobody” *does* I’ll be seriously pissed off.

Malta – Chiara - The one that I love Angel What if

And just like with “Angel” this one is BORING, eye-wateringly, ear-splittingly boring. Yes, you can sing, yes, you can wear a big frock and stand behind a microphone looking intense, but it’s so so so so dull. Agh. I just want to tie her and that UK singing girl together, lock them in a room and throw away the key till after Eurovision. Bring back the crazy, Malta!

Bosnia & Herzegovina– Regina – Bistra Voda

Oh, the intense balkan ballad, how I’ve missed you! With communist military drumming in the background, indecipherable lyrics and ballet dancers strutting about with red flags… oh, it’s enough to make the capitalists break out in hives. Wonderfully weird, but not exactly one you’ll be singing along to. Loving it, loving it, loving it. Now if only I knew what the hell you were singing about.

Final preview

The preview of the countries that have automatically qualified for the final: France, Spain, Germany, the UK and Russia.

Spain – Soraya – La noche es para mi (the night is for me)

Soraya is, like Beth in 2003, a Spanish celebrity for taking part in the never-ending Operacion Triunfo. Speaking as someone who once saw a complete episode of Operacion Triunfo, I have to admire her for that. She must have an endless supply of patience for taking part in a show that drags on and on and on and on and on! I mean, it was hard for me to watch, it must have been even harder for her to sit there and be interviewed for hours on end.... The Spanish just do not shut up when they do live shows, it’s incredible. If they ever win Eurovision again the show will last five hours, mark my words. Not that they’re in imminent danger of winning now, with this rather boring up-tempo Spanish sounding dance thing. An impressive choreography with attractive men might lift it from the realms of forgettability. Or it might not.....

France – Patricia Kaas – Et s’il fallait le faire

France gets out the big guns this year, and brings us Patricia Kaas. Patricia Kaas, people! I have to admit I’d probably never heard a song of hers but I definitely knew her by name... if that’s any consolation. I just wonder if this song is not too classy, too serious for Eurovision. It’s rather heavy, haunting, a tad depressing and it deserves a lot more than it’ll probably get on May 16th. I mean, I really can’t find anything sarcastic to say about this one. That’s quite an accomplishment in itself.