Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Eurovision semi final 1 recap

For the sake of your and my sanity, I'll focus mostly (only) on those dearly departed of our contestants. Otherwise I have nothing more to say about the final, and wouldn't that be a shame!

André Vermeulen, our Flemish Eurovision-god, has a new sidekick. A sidekick who wants to kick André out of the limelight and spends the whole time assuring us of his heterosexuality with sexist and lewd remarks. He has one for every country, so no-one should feel left out. "Look at the legs on that", "She's a bit of a tiger", "she looks like a porn actress". Peter Vandeveire, you are not funny. You are a stupid silly little boy and I wish you would just shut up.

We, on the other hand, have scoresheets handily provided with "straight points". The goal is, of course, that if you score a contestant with straight points (for example: faux heterosexual dance moves, suggestive winks, being in a rock band, shouting out "come on Azerbaijan"), you have to subtract those points from the total score you give that country. Speaks for itself.

Apparently we're in the Eastern most part of Europe. Because if Israel can be Europe, I suppose Azerbaijan can be too. Next up: Iran, China and why not, Australia! 

We start with the presenters introducing themselves. Thoroughly. I expect them to go on and include their hobbies, sleep habits, dreams for the future, strengths and weaknesses. But maybe they're saving that for Thursday's show. In case you're interested, one of the presenters, according to Peter, is the porn actress.

And tonight we say goodbye to:

- Montenegro: or as the wife said "can someone get their drunk uncle off stage, please". There are no redeeming factors to this song at all, or it would have to be the beginning where the singer is hiding under a cape. We shriek in horror as he throws the cape off. He looks drunk, pretty much unwashed and we love that when he yells "come on Azerbaijan" (straight point) no-one in the audience reacts. Good riddance.  

- Latvia: now I loved "Beautiful Song" on CD, but this stage presentation did it no favours whatsoever. Anmary and her friends look like cheap versions of "Desperate Housewives" and just walk about on stage for three minutes. Meh.

- Switzerland: we all sang along "sweem against the sweem" and that was pretty much it. Shaving patterns in your hair is so very nineties and the singer loses a massive amount of points with Eurovision Cardinal Sin Number One: "Thinking Eurovision Is A Rock Concert And You're Bono". Do these Swiss get no coaching whatsoever? Give me a call for next year. 

- Belgium: No shit? We're out?! How did that happen?! It's all politics! Everyone is against us! They all vote for their neighbours! It's because of the war! 

Oh, and the song is dull as dishwater. It could be that, of course. And someone please tie down the "hand", you know the one, the one that some singers (the Mariah Carey clones usually) use to Emphasise pointless Parts in the Lyrics. Urgh. Sorry Iris, you tried your best, but that song... ugh, that song.

- Finland: which I liked. Of course not a clue what she was singing about. The votes on the sofa were that it was about human rights in Azerbaijan, which explains the lack of wind machine she got. Oh lookie, she's got a cello! But a cello alone can't save her, unfortunately. 

- Israel: with Austin Powers singing lead. Yeah, it's nice on CD, but it didn't really go anywhere live, did it. And the whole sixties dance moves... well, you know, been there, done that. In the sixties. And a kiss between a man and a woman? What the hell? At Eurovision?! Still, it's obvious prozac is a big hit with Izabo, so I don't think they'll mind not qualifying all that much.

- San Marino who has the worst stylist ever. I mean, latex blue shiny pants? A loose shiny top? No no no no. The fact that she was even wearing clothes with a song like this was a big shock for me, but still... I said  beforehand "if one of her backings is carrying a computer, they don't deserve any points at all". And lo and behold... also, why someone was dressed as a doctor, someone else as a sailor... Costumes left over from the local drama club? You can tell she's screwed when The Sofa collectively starts looking for meaning or a hidden message in the lyrics. "Perhaps it's a critique of modern communication...", nah... it's just a crap song.

- Austria who were so beyond horrible that they should be thrown into an Azeri jail for the rest of Eurovision week. A lot of lewd remarks about the lyrics on The Sofa:  "Maybe it's a critique of how Azerbaijan treats homosexuality..." Or maybe it's just a moronic song.

We will be seeing more of:

- The fabulously beloved vampire show that is Iceland (Look! She has a violin!)

- Windmachine set to tornado offkey singing and random sirtaki-ing Greece

- "I don't get it, but she looks pretty intense, there's shouting and she's pretending to cry. I'll give this points and say it's quality, so everyone will think I know stuff about music" Albania

- Random windmachine, mega pyro summer hit Romania

- Totally won me over- Cyprus. Or as André puts it: "Cyprus is really just a smaller version of Greece". Yup. I'm sure the Turks will love hearing that.

- Catchy, though ridiculous cap-wearing (insert "should have know better"-joke here), Denmark

- The Russian grannies. Because, come on, who can resist the way they say "dance". And they bake cookies!

- Hungary. But who were they again??

- Ireland: for no reason whatsoever other than they came up last and did something with twin cybermen and a fountain. Bleh. 

Can't wait for tomorrow!

Montenegro : Rambo Amadeus – Euro Neuro

We start the first semi off with our favourite country Montenegro (no, it’s not really our favourite country, but it’s the home of such gems as “Just get out of my out of my out of my life” with the shaking bumfun, so it’s quite high in my personal ranking). This year they’re sending Rambo Amadeus. I get the feeling they thought they were hilarious when they thought up that name.  Unfortunately Rambo (seriously?) starts rapping after the fantastically bombastic entry. But with lyrics like “I got only one rule / always stay cool / like a swimming pool.” I’m willing to forgive him.

Montenegro - Andrea Demirovic - Just get out of my life.

Oops, a political song that’s gotten through the EBU net? An anti-Serbian chant? Or perhaps more personal, against Dima Bilan and his mullet? Nope, it’s a happy happy balkan disco tune in fabulously accented English, expect an uptempo dance routine with hot guys and – if the girl can hold a tune- a repeat in the final.
Could be that I’ve seen too much of Rupaul’s Drag Race these past months, because Andrea looks suprisingly much like a man in her promo picture.

Montenegro, Israel, Estonia

We’re kicking off the contest with Montenegro. Eurovision Queens like to believe that Eurovision is one of the reasons why Serbia en Montenegro split back in 2006. When a boyband from Montenegro won the national preselection (over a “qualitatively better” Serbian song) rumours of tactical nationalistic voting arose. Serbia & Montenegro then withdrew from the contest, only to split a month later. Not-Eurovision-Queens would claim that the withdrawal was one of the effects of the growing Serbian and Montenegrin nationalism, but they’re wrong. Obviously.
So now we get two countries for the price of one, and this year Montenegro sends us Stefan Filipovic with Zauvijek Volim Te (“never forget I love you”). Aw… isn’t that sweet.
You’ve got to love the clumsy straightboy dance moves Stefan is pulling off here. He’s hardly the first to manage this at Eurovision, one of funniest clumsy straightboy dance routines was –for me- FYR Macedonia’s Martin Vucic in 2005 (Specifically pay attention to his backing vocalists! Hilarious. And look how excited Martin is to be at Eurovision, you can just see him thinking “Wait till I tell the guys!”). Also a close contender in this category was Malta’s Julie & Ludwig in 2004, just look at Ludwig shake in the chorus!
Anyway, back to Stefan, he seems to have brought along his cousins and they look like they’re at a wedding aching to have a little dance but not yet drunk enough. Come on, this is Eurovision, give this guy something to do! Get him some costume changes or a juggling elephant.
This song is utterly forgettable, but I have a weak spot for Balkan pop/ballads/anything so it will have me (as probably the only person in Western Europe) swaying along.



Second in line is Israel. Hang on a second, Israel’s not in Europe. No, it’s not. That doesn’t matter. Israel sends Boaz with “The Fire in your eyes” . True to Israeli tradition, like everyone else they’ve ever sent before, Boaz sings the song in both English and Hebrew (treat yourself and look at the gorgeous Shiri Maimon in 2005 singing a gorgeous ballad in an even more gorgeous dress). Also true to tradition, they send some serious eyecandy (see Shiri Maimon, again. Can you tell I’m a fan?), and they do the trick with the singer with the androginous voice again (see David D'or in 2004… wait for the unintentionally hilarious moment where he switches from his countertenor voice to his normal speaking voice “Come on, everybody!”).



And now for something completely different: Estonia sends Kreisiraadio (Crazy Radio) with “Leto Svet”. They’re sending one of the more adventurous Eurovision entries, or at least it looks that way. Girls in gold bikinis? Check! Girls waving Estonian and –for some reason German- flags? Check! Weird guys who can’t hold a tune? Check! Eurobeat? Check! Slow-mo Riverdance? Check! Guy pretending to do unspeakable stuff to a piano? Check! Posters of cakes and is that an onion or a bomb? Check! Song sung in Serbo-Croatian in a sure-to-fail attempt to get the balkan vote? Check! This whole thing could be a sketch from The Fast Show. It’s a song and act that followed the “how to make a crazy Eurovision entry”-guidelines to the letter. Unfortunately for them, they’re not the only ones who had that idea this year, and the other idiots are better.


Next up: Moldova, San Marino and... Belgium.