Eurovision 2011

As you all may or may not know, last year’s Eurovision was a bit of a turning point for me. For those of you not in the loop: the contest was sabotaged by my unborn son. Well, by his placenta really, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it. Instead of enjoying Eurovision at home, where the decorations were waiting and the guests had been invited, I spent the night of the second semi final hooked to a monitor in the maternity ward. Instead of being allowed to go home afterwards, I had to stay until they would do a C-section, so I also spent the night of the final in a hospital bed, with my wife, slowly swelling up like a gigantic water balloon with a monitor strapped to my belly and a midwife checking in on us from time to time.
Those midwives had no tact to wait until the commercial breaks. Pfff.

Anyway. All’s well that ends well they say, though I can’t deny Eurovision being a bit charged for me now. Delayed shock? Whatever you want to call it. But I’ve had the worst time trying to “get into” the contest this year. Was I going to go all out or not? Was anyone even reading this horrible crap I wrote?
But yeah, tradition won out. So I took a listen and watched youtube videos. In the consolation that this year, there’s no placenta to ruin the whole thing. And that if my son decides to get a horrible ear infection during the final (or whatever else) I’ll know for sure that we’ve got years of Eurovision-struggle ahead. It’s best to be prepared I suppose.

So here we go.

Dino Merlin is going to win. Can we establish that before anything else? Or Blue. But probably our Dino. And not just because he’s Bosnian or because he’s got the coolest name ever : Dino Merlin! It sounds like a nickname for a Harry Potter slash writer! No, his song’s going to win because it’s a brilliant earworm.

But ok, granted, I haven’t heard all the other songs yet, so I might just get on with it and give the rest a chance.
Not that any of them are going to win.

Semi Final one: from “haba haba” over “boom boom” to “da da dam” and “watch my dance”. It’s not exactly university stuff, is it.

Norway: Stella Mwangi- Haba Haba

Norway thought they’d send a female Jesse Matador with a crappy song. Not even the dancing camera can save this one and I give up at the 1min56sec mark. It’s a new record for me.

Albania Aurela Gace Feel the passion

Albania brings us the traditional Albanenglish. At least I think it is. In keeping with tradition it’s pretty unclear. Also pretty unclear is why we’re left waiting for the explosion. You know, the explosion? The whole Windmachine/Carola/Charlotte Nilsson exploding chorus? Yeah. It’s not happening. Offkey singing though, that probably -is- happening!

Armenia: Emmy - Boom Boom

“Boom Boom”? Really, Armenia, really? Are you kidding me? Props for the most psychedelic video possible, but what a horrible chorus. Not even the keychange can save this.

Turkey : Yüsek Sadakat - Live it up

Oh yeah, Turkey’s bringing us rockers with a wind machine, I like it when countries stick to traditions! At last, the first certain qualifier of the evening, and not just because it’s Turkey.

Serbia: Nina- Caroban

I’m always disappointed when I find out Zeljko has not been roped in to write a song for Serbia. Or any other Balkan country, I gather the man is not too picky about that. Really, like Sakis, Carola, Deen and that blond gay cutie from Iceland he should just take part every year. As far as camp goes, this one ticks all the boxes but I can’t help but think they should have just sent real drag queens instead of women in strange outfits. The song grows on me though. Though that could just be the pretty colours.

Russia: Alexej Vorobjov - Get you

Gratuitous crotch shots, a partially unbuttoned shirt and an army of sharp dressed men behind him: why, this must be Russia! Now don’t be fooled by the lack of ice skaters or pianos, it still is Russia. He’s coming to get me, he sings, by god, quick someone lock the doors and windows! Qualifier though. For sure.

Switzerland: Anna Rossinelli - In love for a while

Switzerland ran out of inspiration in the lyric department and just switches to singing “na na na na na na na na na” halfway through the song. This is the kind of effort we can appreciate at Eurovision. Make your music accessible to the masses! Nicely done, Switzerland. If utterly boring.

Georgia: Eldrine- One more day

Bellybutton showing? Really? In 2011? But then what do I know, I’m not hip like all these young ones. Well done in making the best of the wind machine, Georgia. Oh dear god, they’ve brought a rapper along. Why? Nah. Meh.

Finland: Paradise Oskar- Da da dam

Finland brings us a song about a kid called Peter who wants to save the planet. Or something. It’s utterly inoffensive and quite nice in a guy-with-a-guitar-singing-da-da-da-da-my&myguitar-kinda way. Needless to say, it’s not my thing.

Malta: Glen Vella - One life

The last time someone took part with a song called “one life”, it was stuck between Deen and Ruslana and ended in Nipplegate. So this is quite daring. And yes, it’s quite crap, but come on... a song about tolerance and non-discrimination, how can I be horrible about that? So despite it being crap, I’ll turn up the volume, sing along and thank the gods that they didn’t send Chiara again. Thank you, Malta! Embrace the camp!

San Marino: Senit - Stand by

San Marino? Seriously? How can I mock Andorra when San Marino is taking part? What’s next, Brussels taking part on its own?! Though I shouldn’t joke about that, it might happen sooner than I think. Anyway. Thanks for joining the fun, San Marino, and I’m sure it’s utterly beautiful for a Disney Ballad. But yeah... come again next year. And bring gay boys. And feathers.

Croatia: Daria - Celebrate

“Celebrate”? Now I don’t want to repeat myself too much, but the last time someone took part singing “Celebrate” it ended with him punching himself in the mouth with his own microphone. Which was the best part of the out of breath-performance. You let me down Celine Dion Croatia. It ticks all the Eurobeat-boxes, but sadly, for some reason, the order to “celebrate” just makes me want to shout back “I’ll celebrate when I’m good and well ready! Quit pressuring me!” Though it could just be me.

Iceland: Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home

In case you didn’t know, and let me then tell you this before André can do it, Sjonni’s friends are in fact, Sjonni’s friends. Sjonni was all set to take part in the Icelandic preselection when he passed away. So his friends entered and won the preselection in his place. Utterly cute and catchy song. I’ll even forgive them for not sending a gay disco anthem this year. Or Pall Oskar.

Hungary: Kati Wolf - What about my dreams?

Yes, well, what about your dreams? Life is about more than just what you want, you know. Oh, I’m sorry is my parenting shining through again? But this is the kind of big gay disco stomper I love. Extra points for switching languages halfway through, very Israel of you. Yeah baby!!

Portugal: Homens Da Luta- Luta é alegria

Now we all know Portugal is broke. And after sending some bloody good songs in years past they clearly didn’t want to take a risk this year. They figured if Ireland can send a turkey, Serbia can sing a song about an old shoe, someone else sing a song about a traffic jam, the UK can take part year after year, and all of these don’t come close to winning, this must be the recipe for succes, right? Of course sometimes ridiculous ideas, like ice skaters, lesbian harems in homophobic countries, men in monster masks, are succesful after all or very nearly so, like a drag queen dressed in tin foil or ballerinas coming from pianos, so you can never be too sure. But let’s say Portugal easily gets the null points this year. Despite singing a song about the political reality of their country. And go them for it!

Lithuania: Evelina Sasenko - C'est ma vie

The horrible dress is such a distraction I can’t even focus on the Disney ballad that’s being sung. Great singer if she can pull this off live, but I’ll be taking a toilet break. Wouldn’t want to miss the act the Germans have put on for the intermission, after all.

Azerbaijan: Ell & Nikki- Running scared

Azerbaijan sure likes their duets don’t they? Aargh. Well. It’s ok. It’s not bad, it’s not fantastic. It should do pretty well. Two pretty young people singing stuff to each other in heavy accents. What more could we ask for on a Tuesday evening?

Greece: Loucas Yiorkas ft. Stereo Mike- Watch my dance

“Watch my dance”. I’m sorry. What? “No Sakis?” The wife pouts. No Sakis, sweetie. But Stereo Mike! (Seriously? Stereo Mike?) For some reason they dug up a rapper, probably because they feared their Eurovision entries would otherwise be forever remembered being too gay. Yay for the Sirtaki tweedleedeedees, yay for the threatening atmosphere and yay for the guy belting out the song. Shame about Stereo Mike.

Semi Final 1: Poland Magdalena tul Jestem

First off is Poland. Stolen from something (anything) Swedish. Horrid. On the plus side: hairography! So copious amounts of wind machine! And leather! (Or latex! I can never tell the difference from a distance... I know, take away my dyke points now). With the hairography, wind machine and latex combo it’s growing on me. I’m still glad when it’s over though.