On Conchita Wurst (oh, and the second Eurovision semi...)

When you hear "the woman with the beard" you immediately think "joke entry", don't you? 
I know I did. Or at least a gimmick.
I thought she would be singing an over the top up tempo song (which I would have loved) and -more importantly- that she wouldn't be able to carry a tune. But the feathers, sequins, wind machine and back up dancers would make up for that.
Right?

Wrong.

That girl can sing. 
If there's anything Conchita Wurst showed Europe (and me) it's that she's a singer with a good (oldfashioned) song who can sing better than anyone else on that stage tonight. 
And that the fact that she's a drag queen, with a beard, with whatever gender expression, is beside the point.

It's not about being a woman with a beard. It's about being a singer with a song. 
And that is a Very Big Thing.
 
/emo rant. 
(and if she doesn't place top ten on Saturday it will NOT be about her performance)

Oh yes, sorry, other things about tonight's show.
Were there any other things?

Well, it was "Forget Your Bra"-day at Eurovision today. 

We're saying goodbye to:
- Israel: who slightly underwhelmed me on stage. No matter how sexy Hebrew sounds.
- High As A Kite Georgia. "Why not bring a parachute onstage?" "alriiiiiight!"
- Lithuania: insert bad joke about not grabbing our attention
- Ireland By Numbers: been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and sent us a cheap knock-off. In a very ugly dress. Seriously. What was up with that dress??
- Macedonia: and more importantly Macedonia's Sister. Who looked very nice. Very nice indeed. I love a woman in a suit. Slightly less so if said suit is cut like a Sue Sylvester Tracksuit.

Thrilled to be seeing again:
- SWITZERLAND!!!
- AUSTRIA! 
Honestly? I would have burnt stuff down had these two not made it.
Loved Slovenia and the worst flute playback ever.

Party time with Greece and Romania (who impressed me, despite my reservations)
Norway was a bit droopy, but alright, based on the CD you get a second chance.
Finland? Er... alright then. 
Poland: see, I get that the song is catchy, but I cannot for the life of me look past the soft porn. I'm embarrassed, I just want them to cover up before they catch a cold. 

And Really Europe? Belarus? Really???

Eurovision 2014: Semi 2 preview

Now what's going on, Piglet, you might ask.  Where are the days of the one country per post with videos and links and bullet points and things? You seem to be taking things a little... well, easy...
I’m sorry. I really am. But life is what's going on.
Actual real life. Three boys under four, for one. A fulltime job, is another thing.
Interrupted sleep. Snotty noses. Lawns to be mowed. Fairs to be gone to. Zoos to be seen. Philosophical questions to be answered "But mummy, if an elephant stepped on a sea urchin, who would survive?". I have to show up for work most days and try and be productive. And in between all of that I'm trying to convert my boys to the magic of Eurovision.
The youngest is still in the reflexes-only stage, he just wants boobs (which Eurivision generally provides). The second loves dancing, so that's pretty much in the bag, if it weren't for all the ballads. The oldest gets annoyed that he doesn't understand what anyone is singing, since it's in English. Or something like English. So he requires some work still.
Though I've gotten him as far as to agree when I ask him if he likes the Pet Shop Boys. Ha! (upon hearing some of the songs, “But mummy, is that the Petshieboys again?”)
But on with the show.
 

 Malta: Firelight – Coming Home

Oh good god, world war I, is it?  I’m just about ready to destroy this song and the video, but then it’s this folky thing… obviously Malta wants to follow up on last year’s success with something uplifting and fun. Not sure about the bridge, but the rest of it is one foot tapping, leg jumbling, clap along melody of fabulousness. With poppies in the background. Douze points from Belgium I should think. And the Brits.

Israel: Mei Finegold – Same Heart

Song two and is it just me or is this semi turning out to be the best of the two, by far?  There’s a lot of eyeliner, boobs, no pants and a woman wielding a sword. In our house we call that “fun for the whole family!”. And yes, the traditional switch to Hebrew!! Oh, Israel, you seldom disappoint. Not exactly a song about unity and friendship and butterflies this one, but I *love* it. But I guess I’m not a unity-friendship-and-butterflies-girl.

Norway: Carl Espen – Silent Storm

Could other countries please try and lay off the heartfelt sweet ballads when that’s our angle? I mean, seriously, we’re fucked enough as it is (and not in a good way).
Yes, thank you Norway. That was lovely. Unfortunately.

Georgia: The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes to Earth

Folky Shit 2.0. I’m all for it, it’s in my job description, but this is a bit forgettable. Kudos for the absolutely weird video clip these people have thought up though. It’s like being high at a folk festival. An airplane, a concrete background, grass, fake snow, slowmo dance moves, at least they’re doing all they can to keep us interested.

Poland: Donatan and Cleo – My Slowianie- We are Slavic

Basically  the Polish version of “The Balkan Girls they like to party like to party like nobody” (yes, I remember that lyric, and no, that’s not because it was so good. Bloody annoying piece of crap). The video is so over the top, it’s basically soft porn. I can only hope that it was meant to be ironic: one big joke from Poland that the leaves the rest of Europe in shock and Poland laughing at us going “they think we’re serious with this crazy misogynistic stuff”. I hope. But then again, when confronted with a scary big guy in sunglasses and a baseball cap, you can never really be sure.

Austria: Conchita Wurst – Rise like a phoenix

If a contestant can get certain lawmakers in certain countries so hot and bothered that they’re proposing a ban of the contest because it promotes “sodomy”,  how can you not love her? And really, they’re worried about a drag queen with a beard (as if there haven’t been drag queens before) when they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the boob and ass-fest that was –hopefully ironic- Poland?! Go on, “promoting sodomy”, Conchita (looking gorgeous beneath the beard), though I’d be lying if I said I was crazy about your song (heard it one too many times before, usually in Bond Soundtracks) and I’m a bit nervous about you hitting those high notes live. But just for spooking the ignorant, you need to go to the final.

Lithuania : Vilja Matacuunaite - Attention 

If I have to read one more participant profile where people claim to have been “singing before they could talk” or “dancing before they could walk” I’m going to start throwing things. Really now? Really? No. You were drooling before you could talk and before you could walk you only managed to move forward on your butt, so stop lying and claiming otherwise, random contestants of singing/dancing competitions and –apparently- Eurovision!
I hope they’ve done some polishing because on the video the act and song just look messy and that’s really the most I can say about this. Nah. Meh. It doesn’t grab my (wait for it) .. attention.
(I’m so hilarious, it’s unbelievable)

Finland: Softengine – Something better

Finland brings us the nice, decent rock song of the evening. In our house that’s usually the toilet break. I don’t know about this. Stadium chants (and worse “clap along” moments) usually bomb in Eurovision, and this is coming from someone who still weeps over the fantastic “Mala Dama” and the way it sunk unnoticed to the bottom of the Eurovision Pool. You’ll have to do something to make it stand out in our minds and I’m not sure what that could be.

Ireland: Can-Linn (ft Kasey Smith) – Heartbeat

And after the nice, decent rock song, we have the nice decent pop song-with-folky-elements that is one kind of Eurovision By Numbers (one of the kinds I love. But then who am I kidding, there are few versions of Eurovision By Numbers that I dislike). Yay, Ireland.

Belarus: Teo – Cheesecake

Another contestant singing about cake? Has this turned into a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous?
For some reason this song really rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not just the sexist video (fast forward to 2.20 so you don’t have to listen to this crap), it’s everything. I really have no patience for this drivel. Hope you booked your return ticket for the Friday, Teo.

FYR Macedonia: Tijana – To the Sky

Ha! No economic crisis is going to stop you from taking part, is it, my dears?! Let’s say the video, shot in part in a some sort of fetish shed (where is this place one might ask?!), seems to be aimed at a certain demographic, the hot blonde with the haircut is aimed at another, and the song isn’t half bad. Gone are the days of sending a bleating sheep and still getting to the top 10, but they have a shot at the final with this one.

Switzerland: Sebalter – Hunter of Stars

This song makes me happy. I love it. I’d be happy with a win for Switzerland, or at the very least a great big summer hit. My blondest son is shaking his little bum at the song and asking me to dance, so I’m taking that as a good sign. (I don’t trust my eldest’s judgement (“Is that Pet Shop Boys again?”) he seemed to have a thing for Engelbert Humperdinck back in the day) .

Greece: Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd – Rise Up

Again, with the “featuring”. Is it too much to ask to be a part of the band you’re coming to Eurovision with?  You’ve got to love Greece though, crisis or no crisis, here they are. Thankfully they’ve got their priorities straight. And I like this little silly song. It’s simple, it’s pop, it’s danceable. It should qualify and do well. Oh crap. I’ve just typed this and the rap comes on. People of Eurovision, rap in dance songs (in this format anyway) hasn’t been done well since the 90s. And even then it was questionable. Why must we repeat this year after year after bloody year? It adds nothing to the song, even though, yes, I’m very glad you’ve left Stereo Mike at home this year. Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd… who thinks up these names? #oldwomanalert

Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac – Round and round

Like a record baby, round, round, round, round! No? Oh no… it’s a ballad. Or no, it’s not. Well, whatever it is, it *is* bilingual. I love me some bilingualism at Eurovision. The video features Drumming in Extreme Circumstances, a woman in a suit and something arty. That’s good enough for me.

Romania: Paula Seling &OVI – Miracle

Ovi, the man who’s so great you have to write his name using CAPITAL LETTERS only. And the prize for crappy badly sung duet of the evening goes to Romania. Congratulations, Paula!

(and thank the flying spaghetti monster for not putting Belgium in *this* semi)

Semi final 2 recap

Is it just me or was this a snoozefest of a semi? I was bored out of my skull at times. Is the Eurovision fever fading? Help me!

The best part of this semi, by far? The interval! Dima Bilan, looking as high as a kite and "freestyling" his crappy song! Marija Serifovic, who did not make the transition from baby dyke to... slightly more butch woman with much grace! Lena Did She have a Surname, If So I forgot! Alexandr Rybak finally looking older than 16! And two Azeris I couldn't name if my life depended on it. I'm pretty sure one was a presenter, but that's as far as my knowledge goes. The whole thing had a fabulously camp Soundmix Show feel to it. All that was missing was one of the monsters from Lordi and we'd have been all set.  Loved it, loved it!

The rest of the show however...
We spotted a few new trends though, and far be it from me to keep them from you:
- the 70s porn moustache is back. I don't know why and I don't agree with it, but it was there.
- Black is the new white. Gone are the days when the performers dressed in white to "stand out". They've now figured out if everyone does that, no-one really stands out, so they've all opted for black. Every single one of them. Oops. (Well, apart from Dima Bilan who showed he's a few years behind Eurovisionfashion-wise. Heads will roll in Moscow!)
- Is pyro the new wind machine? Think about it....

Now who do we say goodbye to after tonight?

The Netherlands: Oh, Joan with your headdress and your band of jolly gay musicians. I thought this came across rather well and I'd have liked to see you go through. The song wasn't as bad as a lot of the other crap in this semi. You looked high as a kite (on Heineken?) and it would have been entertaining for the fire hazard alone: so many flames near so many feathers... I'll bet the Azeri fire department have three trucks standing by the arena just in case. Alas, it was not to be.

Belarus: they were the weeners, and always will be in my book. There's something to be said about people trying to score "straight points" in an outfit that looks like it was stolen from a gay dungeon. Kudos to the guys in metal class who made the microphone stands. Very erm... interesting.

Portugal: somehow I always end up having a soft spot for you, despite the bad, bad styling. You're not the only victim of it tonight though. Is something going on? Are stylists in Europe collectively on strike?

Bulgaria: who brought us some seriously scary 80s music. Now she doesn't need anyone with her on stage, she'll just do it on her own. "It sounded better without the singing" someone remarks. Judging by her belt, Sofi is a renowned boxing champion, so I'd be careful what I say.

Slovenia: it's now obvious. Everyone in the Balkan hates you. And you totally won me over with that performance, for some reason. Suddenly I thought the song was actually rather good. Could it be the Molitva-connection? Perhaps you got left out because you dressed in white and everyone thought you were so behind the fashion?  Maybe it was the flowers on your dress?

Croatia: dressed in rumpled bin bags with backing dancers dressed as blacksmiths. I don't see how this didn't get through. Can't for the life of me remember the song, but come on people! Bin bags! Blacksmiths!

Georgia with the bad dye job. If you dye your hair, at least dye your beard as well. Otherwise it's just slacking. The candidate from Montenegro left his cape behind Tuesday and Georgia thought "ooh, we can use that". I must agree that the song was infinitely better when he was still wearing the cape. That's still not saying much, but at least he peroxide didn't blind me then. Backing singers in corsets and something that looks like a cheap magician's act. I reckon it'll be a while before Georgia sends another male candidate.

Slovakia: Straight points galore, apart from the sale on eyeliner and the Farrah Fawcett hairdo. At least it stood out. Rock on, Slovakia.

And who got through (some of them bafflingly):
- Serbia: Zeljko. Enough said.
- Fyr Macedonia: Que? They had a bloody guitar solo! Are you mad?
- Malta: "Let's have pyro AND a wind machine AND dry ice AND do something with our feet". And it worked! Seriously, Baku, I hope you have another batch of firemen ready for Saturday.
-  Ukraine: Hey! I know that song! Don't I know that song? I'm sure I've heard it before. Yes, we have. Millions of times. That, and  Norway. "It's the thing with the powertools, remember?"
- Sweden: yeah baby!
- Turkey "Ride me like I like you?" erm... I probably misheard. Rock the boat, batmen!
- Estonia: again I must say "que", but then I don't fancy men, I think that might be it.
- Bosnia & Herzegovina which might have become interesting if part of the decor had fallen over. As for now: meh meh and meh. Boring.
- Lithuania: for god's sake, keep the blindfold on if You're Making A Point. And someone turn him so he stands with his back to the audience. Ha!

I wonder what Saturday will bring. Hopefully new postcards!

Slovenia: Eva Boto – Verjamem

Dear god, there’s something on her head! And... and... the outfits... Oh no. It’s well known I usually have a weak spot for Slovenia, but this time... No. I don’t get it. It all looks pretty intense, but then why do her backing singers have rolls of toilet paper stacked on their heads? Maybe this will bedazzle me on the night, who knows, but I doubt it.

Slovenia: Maja Keuc- No one

No sweetie, too many hand movements. And there shall be no dancing when attempting to sing a powerful ballad. All very distracting. Watch a few Chiara performances (yeah, as long as she’s not taking part I’m willing to refer to her) to really get the hang of it. But good on you for braving the stormy winds on stage. Unfortunately, for whatever reason -probably the Mariah-esque handmovements- this leaves me ice cold. Meh.

Slovenia: Anzambel Roka Zlindere & Kalamari – Narodno zabavni rock

Again with the catchy group names. You can’t just call yourself “Kalamari and friends” or something, no? No, you want to make it hard on us poor bloggers to type your name. Not very friendly, Slovenia! And seriously Slovenia, make up your damned mind! Don’t know which song to send? Let’s just send five different song styles and mash them all up (Graham Norton would find a brilliant pun for this, but I’m no Graham, so alas...). If you thought the outfits were bad, wait till they start the music. And not a sequin in sight! The Netherlands might have some competition after all.

Slovenia – Quartissimo ft Martina – Love symphony

And again with the instruments! You’d think something decent won last year…these people must have been watching a different contest than I did. Violinists have been making money this past year, despite the crisis. But at least Slovenia is trying to appeal to our inner Eurovision-queen by adding a disco beat, repetitive lyrics and an ugly blue dress to all the fiddling. It could do with a ballet dancer or two, but perhaps they’ll save that for the night: have one of the musicians rip off his suit to reveal a leotard, it would make the whole thing less static. Take my advice, Slovenia! You won’t regret it.

Azerbaijan and Slovenia

Even though we’ve already seen the winner of Eurovision (Belgium, obviously), I might as well go on with the (p)reviewing. After all, Eurovision is about more than just the winner. I’d even say the other competitors are much more important: the ones who sing offkey, the tragic dance routines, the clothes changes gone wrong. Those are just as important a reason to watch Eurovision as finding out who the winner is.

And here’s a real Eurovision beauty (a soon to be classic): Azerbaijan, who are taking part for the very first time. But they don’t come unprepared, oh no, they have learnt the Eurovision Guidelines by heart, and boy does it show. Elnur & Samir sing Day after Day, a song/operette/piece of musical theatre/future piece of Eurovision history. It starts off with an angel singing opera (as angels do, after all) only to evolve in hysterical screams. Oh no!! What happened?! The camera moves away and we see… the devil! Sitting on his throne with a slutty girl draped over him. The angel and devil start singing a duet in what appears to be English, but it’s hard to be sure. Were they lovers? Has one betrayed the other? Oh, the pathos! Oh the pain and heartache! The devil pours wine (or blood?) over his slutty assistant and our beloved angel is joined by two other angels who appear to be doing aerobics (again, as angels do) before they drop dead at the end of the song. I don’t know about you guys, but as far as I’m concerned this deserves a standing ovation!
You can read Elnur’s interpretation of the lyrics here (and strangely enough it doesn’t include the words “I haven’t got a clue, I was drunk”). Unfortunately the article also states the song is to undergo changes. Don’t mess with this example of Eurovision Perfection, I beg of you! This has to be my favourite song of the contest so far.



Right… I’ll try to calm down and move on to Slovenia’s Rebeka Dremelj with Vrag Naj Vzame. Slovenia is –in Eurovisionland at least- the black sheep of the balkan in recent years. They’ve sent fabulous Eurodisco and a cute boy with a blow-up sexdoll singing a haunting ballad (the sexdoll lady isn’t till the end, so you’ll have to sit through the song in case you’re curious), complete with a sexy accent or a sexy language, all to little effect. Only last year did they get a decent score with a soft-opera-discobeat with built-in lighting, and let’s not forget they’re the first Balkan country to embrace the true spirit of Eurovision by sending a bunch of drag queens back in 2002. Right. Why the long introduction? Because I generally like Slovenian entries, I love the underdog, and frankly there’s little or nothing interesting to say about this year’s entry. A quirky girl with huge earrings sings a poppy song about the devil (erm.. yeah, again with the devil) while her cousins (again with the cousins) sing backing and a weird dance routine takes place behind her. At one point she gets angry (probably at the devil or at one of her cousins), and then she calms down again. That’s it.