Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Eurovision final recap

And we start the show with the whole of Azerbaijan on stage. Or at least it seems that way. They show the building of the arena (handily bypassing the forced expropriations) and we have to hear that crappy song again. I'm so glad it will be the last time. Well, at least they'll always have that fancy arena they built. And the flame towers they threw at us in every postcard. And why are they wearing white? Did they not get the news that black is the new white??

Off we go (for we might forget that the whole exhibition at the start is not what this evening is about) with Engelbert Humperdinck, which makes sense, since he has to be back in the home by 10. My son is a huge fan, sticking to the television. I'm not sure about his love for elderly gentlemen, but I'll let it slide.  Azerbaijan seems to have some wiring issues, because fire comes out of the wall at the end. See, Engelbert, you weren't that bad at all. I just think you were forgotten. Which is infitinely worse in Eurovisionland. Not even Ireland gave you a 12! That's shocking! -25th

Did we already see Hungary? None of us can remember the song, which isn't a good sign. Extra point for the guy playbacking his keyboards, because you can see him think "Yeah, check it out, I'm at Eurovision". Grey is not the new white though, so we're not convinced. Especially not when the singer shouts out (what we think is) "Thank you Texas". Wrong show, mate.  -24th

Ah, Albania waltzes in, dressed like the Evil Queen from Snow White, with Lord Voldemort in her hair and proudly showing off her chest hair. There's a lot of shouting. I'm sure no one gets it, but pretends to anyway just to come across as intellectual. Just like in the semi, there's a sob at the end of the song. I just wish she'd stop shouting. Europe disagrees with me. -5th

For crying out loud, Lithuania, keep your blindfold on and don't try to play penis-guitar. What the hell *is* penis-guitar anyway. I wish love was deaf instead of blind. -14th

Then comes Bosnia with what many consider a fantastically moving ballad, but for me it's about as interesting as watching paint dry. Points for the worst dye job of the contest, now that blondie from Georgia is out of the picture.  -18th

Since Russia has a law stating  "promoting" homosexuality is illegal, they're going to be in deep shit if they end up winning this contest. Thankfully it doesn't come to that. Because yes, the grannies are cute, and yes, they bake cookies (philosophical question of the year: who for?), and yes, the chorus is about as catchy as erm... something really catchy. Still... I'm not keen on Moscow. I amuse myself thinking the grannies are styled to look the way they do and will change into their expensive gala gowns and high heels once they come offstage. -2nd

You were robbed, Iceland. Robbed! Robbed, I tell you! Looking fabulously vampiric (if Buffy the Vampire Slayer were watching, she'd have been in Baku in minutes, ready to slay you), singing gorgeously, all the pathos, the bombast, the slight "religious education"-influence... and it all amounts to nothing? Shame on you, Europe. Shame on you! - 20th

The sofa ruins Cyprus for me by comparing the singer to Dexter's Titty Vampire. I can't not-see the likeness anymore, but still... come on people! Dancing on a dolmen! The Ruslana shout! The Helena Paparizou! It's better to steal something well than to have a bad idea of yourself. And she goes to prove that. Love it. -16th

André says France had too many ideas. I think André's getting old. So yes, there's the half naked guys, the Sertab-ribbons, the seethrough curtains for a dress, but this is Eurovision! Seems like the bare minimum if you ask me! I can't say anything about the song though, because I can't for the life of me remember how it goes -22nd

Italy sends a sober Amy Winehouse with red high heeled shoes. I think I may be in lov, but it lacks the impact it should have had -9th

I still don't get Estonia, apart from the man-candy vote. But that could just be me. Half the Sofa is in love, and so, apparently is most of Europe. -6th

What, my dear Norway, is the point of starting your song with a hood over your head.  I'm sure whole studies have been done about it, so please enlighten me. Despite this being stolen from every other song in existence ("push me, and then just touch me, till I can get my satisfaction..." and so on) I still love this. Someone decrees the singer is too muscular for skinny jeans, which I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear, and I'm happy with the return of the Eric Saade octopus. (Behind you!) By the time we get to vote, Europe seems to have completely forgotten about Norway though, which is a pity. -last

Azerbaijan plucked a chicken and has a dress that changes colours. There's also a ballad in there somewhere. The fact that a black cloud is moving in her dress scares me a little and reminds me of that contestant who made a "cancer dress" in Project Runway season one. Blurgh. -4th (seriously, Europe?)

"Did those guys with the moonwalking accordion make it?"  Erm who...? Aaaah, Romania! Apparently they did. Something about people pretending to play instruments to a very obvious backing track always amuses me. -12th

We love Denmark in all its crazy glory: there's a very catchy song, the cellist in a hoodie, the manic drummer and a bunch of hot girls. But what's with the cap? And what's with Europe for not giving this more points? Where were the lesbians last night?  -23rd

No, but then Greece, the offkey singing bouncy bunny, does a lot better. What is the meaning of "you make me want your aphrodisiac" anyway? I'd hardly consider it a compliment. Then there's the tornado wind machine, a mass of hairography, a dancer touching the singer's crotch and the obligatory sirtaki. Urgh. Oh, Greece, haven't we been subjected to enough of this over the years? -17th

Sweden surprises me. I love the song, love the whole performance, but I'm not used to songs I like actually winning! I kept expecting a dark horse to make it in the end (not literally. I know this is Eurovision, but live animals are still forbidden). "Does she have eyes though", we wonder during the first half of her performance, and "let's hope she doesn't choke on a snowflake this time". Glad to see Mister T found a new career after the A team as a dancer as well. -winner

Turkey and his backing choir of Batmans are a big hit in this household. But then, unlike Edna Mode, we do like a cape now and then. "Ride me like I like you", the singer goes, though I might be mishearing. The boat choreography is genius. -7th

Spain apparently did well with a moving ballad. I wouldn't know. All I can see is the way her hair is pulled back so tightly it must hurt. -10th

Germany pleases everyone who fancies men on our sofa. Well, not literally, because that would be quite inappropriate. I just notice he must be cold, why else would he be wearing a woolly hat? -8th

Malta starts with a very heterosexual fistbump and further proves how cold it must be in that arena, because this guy is wearing a glove. Just the one though. They bring one guy with them for no other reason than his yellow trousers and red hair. Halfway through the whole "straight" act there's the best foot choreography ever to grace Eurovision. And probably the only reason for this song getting to the final. Because this is Eurovision. And we do love this sort of thing. . -21st

FYR Macedonia doesn't baffle me as much as it did in the semi. I'll even forgive her the faux guitar solo and the shouting. I must be getting mellow. -13th

And then come Ireland and we collectively decide we're sick of twins at Eurovision. Especially hyperactive little cybermen. Unless they bring a decent song, which they didn't bother to do this year. Please don't send them again next year, Ireland, please don't. If only for the hazard of combining water and electricity. "I'm close to waterboarding" our hungover teacher remarks. -19th

Serbia has the "most beautiful man of the festival" according to André. And yes, Zeljko is brilliant. He just is. Despite us wondering what "droogy poo" is.  Nerd points to my wife for recognising the guy with the flute from Lane Moje. And points to Zeljko for the little lady violinist moment. We like that overhere. -3rd

Ukraine figured they'd save money by making one song for Eurovision and for football. It worked for France a few years back, so why not. And it's not bad, though there's a lot of grumbling on the sofa about "stolen songs" and "too recognisable" and "it's physically impossible to play the trumpet that way". -15th

And speaking of trumpets, what is Moldova singing about? "This trumpet makes you mine, girl"?? "Ah, it's the guy with the porn moustache and his trumpet!" the sofa goes when the song starts. This is what we remember you for, Moldova. But you sing a lovely catchy song. And your backing dancers are dressed cutely. -11th. 

And in case you were wondering who this Peter guy was we loved to hate this year (André's sexist sidekick), he's the guy who gave the points for Belgium and insulted the hosts in Dutch ("beautiful show, with your cheap dresses"). That's not only rude, but also cowardly. I much prefer the woman, can't remember the country, who gave a dig about democracy in the voting process.

But yes, Sweden won! And I 'm quite baffled, because I was pretty sure the Russians were going to win. Or anyone else. I was even prepared for the Ukraine. I'm not used to songs I really like actually winning. And I'm thrilled for the Swedes,  because they're probably the most Eurovision crazed of them all. Now just let Iceland win next year, and I'll be completely satisfied.

Sweden: Loreen – Euphoria

Oooh, just the way the Swedish guy says “Loreen”, doesn’t it make your heart beat just that tiny bit faster? No? Just me then? I really need to get over this thing I have about languages and accents. But that’s part of what makes Eurovision so much fun. Ok, never mind. Loreen is on a roll with the wind machine set to Carola-Tornado and a nineties beat we haven’t heard since ... the nineties probably. I love the whole craziness of it, including the snow storm at the end, and I hope this does fabulously. Listen up, slutty girls from semi one, this is what a dance song can also sound like. And you can even keep your clothes on!

Sweden: Eric Saade – Popular

Aaah, a hot guy singing a dull soulless dance song about “being popular”: this must be Eurovision. Bring on the pyro, how very Sakis of Sweden. Needless to say I’m a big fan. And for the most perverted misheard lyrics in Eurovision ever. I had to go look it up because I couldn’t believe my ears. Turns out I’m just a big pervert. “My body wants you girl, I’ll get you when I’m popular”. Yes, well. I thought the “when” was er... something else. Listen for yourself! It’s an easy mistake to make!

Sweden: Anna Bergendahl – This is my life

Oh god, it’s a young girl in All Stars, a white dress, tiara and strumming a guitar. And on comes a Eurovision Pet Peeve: after the first verse, the guitar disappears but magically, it keeps playing! How does that work?! A pretty boring, but well sung, polished and catchy song, and the cheesy backing singers make up for a lot. As does Carola’s solidarity in leaving behind her wind machine for the Swedish national final. Thank you, Carola. You might just have saved this song like you do every year.

Sweden: Malena Ernman – La Voix

A Swede singing pop-disco-opera with a French title flanked by gay ballet dancers in suits... how can this possibly go wrong? And there are flags and funny hats and all! I’m such a poofter, I love this. Just take a lesson from Charlotte’s fate last year, sweetie: wind machines are good, but stay away from the sunbeds, the botox, bad lighting and the uninspiredly poofy old backing singers. OK?

Iceland and Sweden

The second semi-final starts with the amazing, glittery Iceland (Euroband) with the gayest anthem of the contest: This is My life! With a title like that, what else could this song be like? Pall Oskar was involved in the making of this, which is also more than enough to have me jump up and down in excitement. Who’s Pall Oskar? Pall Oskar is the first out gay performer at Eurovision back in 1997, when he took part for Iceland with four latex-clad ladies, a white leather sofa and lots of eyeliner. Because the voting was still done by juries then (as opposed to televoting) and there was a live orchestra instead of a bass-filled backing track, Minn Hinsti Dans got very few votes, but his performance is a classic. Check it out here (and note how sexy Icelandic sounds). Iceland may well be one of the gayest Eurovision countries out there, at least judging by the national preselection they had. Also competing was “The Wiggle Wiggle song” by Haffi Haff, whose performance might have even been a tad more fabulous than that of Eurobandid. Iceland is one of my favourite countries in this contest. I just hope they make the choreography a little more dynamic, though they deserve credit for the mini-clothes change in the beginning.



And here’s another Euro-stomper: Sweden’s Charlotte Perelli with Hero. Charlotte Nilsson (as she was then called) won Eurovision in 1999 with the very Abba-sounding “Take me to your heaven”. Kinda like Carola (another Swede who took part three times so far: Watch Carola getting more (1983 – 3rd) and more (1991 – winner) botoxed and Born-Again-Christianed (2006 -5th)), she can’t get enough of Eurovision and decided to take her chances again. Even without the introduction you should be able to tell straightaway that this is a Swedish Eurovision entry. It ticks all the boxes: blonde pretty ladies (though Charlotte looks a bit scary in my opinion), an Abba dance routine, the typical Swedish Eurobeat and look, they’ve even recycled Carola’s windmachine yet again! Another hit in gay clubs and a definite candidate for the final, without a doubt.