Before I
begin my yearly rant, can I just say how thrilled I was at this show and the
organisation? At what the Swedes pulled off? The humour, the in-jokes, the many
references to the GLBTQHowManyMoreLetters community? Fabulously done if you ask
me. For me, the Swedes can win every single year. Alas… it was not to be. But at
least we’re not going to Baku again!
Trends this
year? Eyebrows, leather, crotch dances and going up up-up-up-up- u-up!
On with the
show… are we watching the Gay Olympics? Nope, Eurovision. Now with flags and a
parade. Bit too nationalistic for my tastes (yes, I see the irony in that
statement, thank you).
France is used by the Swedes to check if the zoom
function on their camera still works. And lo and behold, it does. France seems
pretty pissed off about… everything. Would you lighten up please, you’re
scaring me. Things are not that bad, take it from me. Well, unless you count your 23rd
place. That *is* pretty bad.
Then we
come to Lithuania who does what
shall since 2004 be known as “The Sakis”: wearing a white t-shirt that’s a tad
too small so that your midriff shows when you move. Lithuania’s singer does it
even more unsubtly than Sakis did, and that’s saying something. Mainly there’s
a lot of mumbling about shoes, but I don’t even mind this song that much. -22nd
Moldova’s dress is a fantastic find. If Carola were
taking part next year I’m pretty sure she’d be wearing that dress. See how it
withstands a tornado. Gorgeous dress, nice song. And still only as many points
as… Belgium. How did that happen? -11th
Hearing it
for the second time, Finland has
actually grown on me, in the sense that I no longer want to chuck things at the
TV in frustration. The wife is pretty skeptical about “girls kissing each other
for the enjoyment of the three straight men watching” vs “a statement for marriage
equality” but who knows… whatever the reasoning, anything that gets people
talking about marriage equality is fine by me. -24th (oh noes, did the homophobes win? Or was it
a plot of the Lesbian Blogger Community who demand real representation… or was
the song just this side of crappy?)
Spain: I have no idea how that song went. Honestly,
I can’t remember it. I’ve written down “Bambi” “Pocahontas” and something about
the sacrilege of not one, but three guitarists on a Eurovision stage. But I don’t
remember the song at all. Says enough I suppose. -25th
Yay, it’s
us, in it to win it! To everyone’s surprise the song gets applause when it
starts. Why? Will it get applause afterwards as well, we wonder. Belgium’s backing dancers are suffering
from stomach cramps and Roberto’s
eyebrows have their very own choreography. He seemed pretty chuffed when the song was
over though and all of the sudden the entire Sofa becomes motherly towards him
and wants to pinch his cheeks. Belgium’s Eurovision flagwaving fan is a butch
looking skinhead. Oh my! -12th can you bloody believe it?? I can’t.
We have now
found out Estonia is pregnant and
that’s why she’s wearing a curtain. We start debating how far along she is. Was
she singing? Oh… -20th
“Hot Mess!
Hot mess!” Belarus seems to sing at
the end of her song. And boy is it. She looks terrified on that stage… we don’t
want to know what the President will do when this tanks. -16th.
“Malta is just too nice for Eurovision” The
Sofa proclaims. And he is. He’s so nice he runs around the arena touching all the
gays. In Belgium Bart Peeters can be heard throwing things against the wall.
His lookalike just got 8th place. Go cheerful little chappie from
Malta. Stay away from France, she’s probably going to claw your eyes out for
smiling in her direction.
Barbara Dex’
stylist (that would be Barbara Dex herself) found a new job dressing Russia in salmon pink and grey. The most
boring colours ever, befitting this boring, yet well written and well sung
song. Throwing balls in an audience full of gays just seems cruel, give the
traumas many of them must have from dodgeball or PE classes in general. The
Wife grumbles that all the gays were enjoying the dark room, minding their own
business, and all of a sudden the Russian throw lit up balls at them. Wars have
been started for less than that! But by the way the Russians are hugging each
other on stage you’d think they’re ending the cold war. -5th
The best
part about Germany is the stairs. By
far. And the fact that she just stands on them (stairs on top of the stage,
yes), for 2 minutes and a half, before coming down and running about on stage. “They’re
showing their superiority complex” The Sofa proclaims before starting a
discussion about the Von Trapp family (“trap” is “stairs” in Dutch). For once
and for all, no, the von Trapps were not Nazis, they were on the run from them.
Sheesh. Basic history! -21st
Armenia has more eyebrows than moustache. And that’s
the most interesting thing about this entry. Minus points for bad use of the
wind machine (I know, how can you use it badly… they managed it!). The Sofa
feels bad about giving them null points “I think they deserve something for the
effort. They did make the trip over and learn those lyrics”… 1 point it is then
-18th
And then there’s the interval and once again Lynda
Woodruff and the Swedes rule. “You just haven’t met the right girl yet” Petra
Mede tells the gays in the audience. Eat that, Baku. Eat that, homophobic
regimes all around the east of Europe. Eurovision has your back, gays.
As Belgians we automatically have to hate
everything the Netherlands sends to
Eurovision. it’s in our genes, we can’t help it, we have to be competitive towards
each other, it’s what we’re born with. So the Sofa grumbles about “Dutch
arrogance” and Anouk smiling when she sings something about death and
destruction (and sheesh, honey! It’s Eurovision!) but yeah, I kinda like the
song anyway. – 9th
Kudos to Romania’s
Vlad the Impaled! Really, quite impressive singing. But then there’s also the
trainwreck of an act happening underneath him and how I love it. “Growing
Dresses”, it’s got to become a trend in real life if you ask me. The singing is
so impressive I can’t believe I didn’t even notice the naked gay wrestling
happening next to him in the semis. Naked! Gay! Wrestling! Dude! -13th
The UK must
have thought a flight of stairs would be too risky (plus they probably didn’t
trust Germany not to sabotage theirs) given Bonnie’s apparent inebriation.
Bonnie, sweetie, either you’ve been inhaling botox instead of injecting it, or
you must have been drunk. Lord Voldemort has more facial expressions than
Bonnie does these days. Well, at least she made the final. “Isn’t that a bit
under the tone” the Sofa wonders. This is Bonnie Tyler, ladies and gentlemen, she
didn’t start singing in the wrong key, it’s the backing track that’s wrong! -19th.
I love Sweden,
I do. And I’m not just saying that because I wish they’d organize it every
year. I love this song. I love the poppyness of it, there’s just not enough of
that this year. It’s all ballads and “Pseudo-quality” and other nonsense. Where’s
the fabulous campy pop tune? Here it is. Loved it. If only they’d worn
something other than their pajamas. -14th
Hungary’s
not bad. Bit too pseudo-cool straight boy for my tastes, but not bad. The
instruments almost looked live. -10th
Ah yes, Denmark.
The Bosnian drummers from years past found a new job and this girl could just
cycle over to the arena (there’s a bridge you see. You probably didn’t notice
but there’s a bridge between Malmö and Copenhagen… they don’t like to broadcast
it, those Swedes). What I like most about Denmark winning is my prediction that
my wife was going to go absolutely berserk about this song. All the elements
for her little dykie heart: wood nymphs, flutes, drums, folky shit, big
innocent bambie eyes. It’s right up her alley. And I’m glad they won, because
my wife gets vindictive when her favourites don’t win. You should have seen her
during the first half of the voting when it looked like Azerbaijan or the
Ukraine might win. She was ready to start a rampage! My marriage thanks you,
Europe. But yes, Denmark. On the one hand it’s very cliché
Eurovision-by-numbers (reminds me of Alexandr Rybak in that respect), on the
other hand it’s also… good. Well done, well produced, well sung (also very
Rybak) .And whilst I begrudged Rybak winning because I preferred the more campy
pop tunes that year (Sakis!), there really were none this year, so I’m happy
with this. I’m thrilled we’re staying in gay friendly waters (petty I know…) and
for me this song stood out in a rather boring year. So go Denmark! – Winner!
A man singing about his wife and kids and how
much he loves them in a language you can’t understand a word of. I love Iceland. I usually do, and I do this
year again. “If this were a singing contest, this man would do very well indeed”
Graham Norton stated. And if Graham says it…. And me, I’m still convinced he’s
the Icelandic Brad Pitt. But that could just be me. -17th.
My little queer mind reads Azerbaijan’s Jack In A Box-act as a man struggling with this
sexuality and having to choose a woman because it’s just not-done otherwise. I’m
pretty sure that’s not what it’s about, but allow me the fantasy would you. “At
least one of them is staying in the closet” The Sofa quips. “He looks tortured”
we worry, but then you try being gay in Azerbaijan. With all these performers
finding stuff to stand on on stage (stairs, a new podium, their own volcano),
Copenhagen might want to invest in a stage with different levels. Glad to be of
help, Copenhagen. -2nd
“Ah, Greece,
the birthplace of western civilization”… that’s really all we have to say about
“Alcohol is Free”. -6th
The
Ukraine has enough Lion King in it to please
me. And that dress doesn’t harm it either. -3rd
“Eurovision is returning to its core: well sung
and well written songs” André tells us, rather blasé. Way to suck the fun out
of it, André. The core of Eurovision is: wind machine, key changes, camp and
yes, well sung songs. You’re clearly out of the loop! So I guess Italy was good. It bored the hell out
of me (and that’s saying something, as I’m known to adore the Bombastic Balkan
Ballad in general), but I guess I’m just not the “core audience” of Eurovision
then. “He’s wearing a suit”, the sofa points out. That he is. A nice one at
that. -7th
There’s nothing to say about Norway that hasn’t been said before. It stands out. It’s reasonably
creepy. It could be a hit song. I’m sure André hates it. -4th
Oh Georgia,
now that we’re all numb after 24 songs and an evening of Eurovision The Sofa’s quieted
down a bit and we hear the lyrics. And their Georgenglish pronunciation. I love
you even more now. Sweden gets out Carola’s wind machine to clear the all the
smoke and we’re most impressed that the Georgians managed all of this without
choking. -15th
Ireland,
I’m so sorry about this, but you were forgotten. You’re the Xandee sandwiched
between Deen and Ruslana, the “Flying the Flag” right before Verka Serduchka.
By the time you came on even us die-hards were over it. We’d had it. And a
bunch of shirtless tattooed men dipped in baby oil with a bad song just doesn’t
do it for us anymore, unless they have a better song than you did. Yes. Read
that sentence again, I’m sure it’s shocking. Had Belgium and Ireland’s places
been swapped so would the final score I think. Had Norway been in Ireland’s
place though, it still would have been top ten. The song just wasn’t good
enough. And let’s spare a thought for the singer: the only man on that stage
told to keep on his shirt. How insulting is that? – 26th, last.
And Sweden, can I say again (and again and again)
how much I loved this show? Carola being blown off stage by a wind machine?
Come on! How fantastic is that! And the many shout outs to the LGBTQ-alphabet
community… I’m getting sappy (it’s my age), but it warmed my heart, it really,
honestly did. It makes me so fucking happy. Thank you. I hope it could mean
something to the GLBTQsomething community living in less friendlier places than
I do.
Thank you, Sweden.
I bloody love you!
I bloody love you!
