Eurovision 2013: THE FINAL

Before I begin my yearly rant, can I just say how thrilled I was at this show and the organisation? At what the Swedes pulled off? The humour, the in-jokes, the many references to the GLBTQHowManyMoreLetters community? Fabulously done if you ask me. For me, the Swedes can win every single year. Alas… it was not to be. But at least we’re not going to Baku again!

Trends this year? Eyebrows, leather, crotch dances and going up up-up-up-up- u-up!

On with the show… are we watching the Gay Olympics? Nope, Eurovision. Now with flags and a parade. Bit too nationalistic for my tastes (yes, I see the irony in that statement, thank you).

France is used by the Swedes to check if the zoom function on their camera still works. And lo and behold, it does. France seems pretty pissed off about… everything. Would you lighten up please, you’re scaring me. Things are not that bad, take it from me.  Well, unless you count your 23^rd place. That *is* pretty bad.

Then we come to Lithuania who does what shall since 2004 be known as “The Sakis”: wearing a white t-shirt that’s a tad too small so that your midriff shows when you move. Lithuania’s singer does it even more unsubtly than Sakis did, and that’s saying something. Mainly there’s a lot of mumbling about shoes, but I don’t even mind this song that much.  -22^nd

Moldova’s dress is a fantastic find. If Carola were taking part next year I’m pretty sure she’d be wearing that dress. See how it withstands a tornado. Gorgeous dress, nice song. And still only as many points as… Belgium. How did that happen? -11^th

Hearing it for the second time, Finland has actually grown on me, in the sense that I no longer want to chuck things at the TV in frustration. The wife is pretty skeptical about “girls kissing each other for the enjoyment of the three straight men watching” vs “a statement for marriage equality” but who knows… whatever the reasoning, anything that gets people talking about marriage equality is fine by me. -24^th (oh noes, did the homophobes win? Or was it a plot of the Lesbian Blogger Community who demand real representation… or was the song just this side of crappy?)

Spain: I have no idea how that song went. Honestly, I can’t remember it. I’ve written down “Bambi” “Pocahontas” and something about the sacrilege of not one, but three guitarists on a Eurovision stage. But I don’t remember the song at all. Says enough I suppose. -25^th

Yay, it’s us, in it to win it! To everyone’s surprise the song gets applause when it starts. Why? Will it get applause afterwards as well, we wonder. Belgium’s backing dancers are suffering from stomach cramps  and Roberto’s eyebrows have their very own choreography.  He seemed pretty chuffed when the song was over though and all of the sudden the entire Sofa becomes motherly towards him and wants to pinch his cheeks. Belgium’s Eurovision flagwaving fan is a butch looking skinhead. Oh my! -12^th can you bloody believe it?? I can’t. 

We have now found out Estonia is pregnant and that’s why she’s wearing a curtain. We start debating how far along she is. Was she singing? Oh… -20^th

“Hot Mess! Hot mess!” Belarus seems to sing at the end of her song. And boy is it. She looks terrified on that stage… we don’t want to know what the President will do when this tanks. -16^th. 

“Malta is just too nice for Eurovision” The Sofa proclaims. And he is. He’s so nice he runs around the arena touching all the gays. In Belgium Bart Peeters can be heard throwing things against the wall. His lookalike just got 8^th place. Go cheerful little chappie from Malta. Stay away from France, she’s probably going to claw your eyes out for smiling in her direction. 

Barbara Dex’ stylist (that would be Barbara Dex herself) found a new job dressing Russia in salmon pink and grey. The most boring colours ever, befitting this boring, yet well written and well sung song. Throwing balls in an audience full of gays just seems cruel, give the traumas many of them must have from dodgeball or PE classes in general. The Wife grumbles that all the gays were enjoying the dark room, minding their own business, and all of a sudden the Russian throw lit up balls at them. Wars have been started for less than that! But by the way the Russians are hugging each other on stage you’d think they’re ending the cold war.  -5^th

 

The best part about Germany is the stairs. By far. And the fact that she just stands on them (stairs on top of the stage, yes), for 2 minutes and a half, before coming down and running about on stage. “They’re showing their superiority complex” The Sofa proclaims before starting a discussion about the Von Trapp family (“trap” is “stairs” in Dutch). For once and for all, no, the von Trapps were not Nazis, they were on the run from them. Sheesh. Basic history! -21^st

Armenia has more eyebrows than moustache. And that’s the most interesting thing about this entry. Minus points for bad use of the wind machine (I know, how can you use it badly… they managed it!). The Sofa feels bad about giving them null points “I think they deserve something for the effort. They did make the trip over and learn those lyrics”… 1 point it is then -18^th

 

^{And then there’s the interval and once again Lynda Woodruff and the Swedes rule. “You just haven’t met the right girl yet” Petra Mede tells the gays in the audience. Eat that, Baku. Eat that, homophobic regimes all around the east of Europe. Eurovision has your back, gays.} 

^{As Belgians we automatically have to hate everything the Netherlands sends to Eurovision. it’s in our genes, we can’t help it, we have to be competitive towards each other, it’s what we’re born with. So the Sofa grumbles about “Dutch arrogance” and Anouk smiling when she sings something about death and destruction (and sheesh, honey! It’s Eurovision!) but yeah, I kinda like the song anyway. – 9th}

^{Kudos to Romania’s Vlad the Impaled! Really, quite impressive singing. But then there’s also the trainwreck of an act happening underneath him and how I love it. “Growing Dresses”, it’s got to become a trend in real life if you ask me. The singing is so impressive I can’t believe I didn’t even notice the naked gay wrestling happening next to him in the semis. Naked! Gay! Wrestling! Dude! -13th} 

^{The UK must have thought a flight of stairs would be too risky (plus they probably didn’t trust Germany not to sabotage theirs) given Bonnie’s apparent inebriation. Bonnie, sweetie, either you’ve been inhaling botox instead of injecting it, or you must have been drunk. Lord Voldemort has more facial expressions than Bonnie does these days. Well, at least she made the final. “Isn’t that a bit under the tone” the Sofa wonders. This is Bonnie Tyler, ladies and gentlemen, she didn’t start singing in the wrong key, it’s the backing track that’s wrong! -19th.} 

^{I love Sweden, I do. And I’m not just saying that because I wish they’d organize it every year. I love this song. I love the poppyness of it, there’s just not enough of that this year. It’s all ballads and “Pseudo-quality” and other nonsense. Where’s the fabulous campy pop tune? Here it is. Loved it. If only they’d worn something other than their pajamas. -14th}

^{Hungary’s not bad. Bit too pseudo-cool straight boy for my tastes, but not bad. The instruments almost looked live. -10th}

^{Ah yes, Denmark. The Bosnian drummers from years past found a new job and this girl could just cycle over to the arena (there’s a bridge you see. You probably didn’t notice but there’s a bridge between Malmö and Copenhagen… they don’t like to broadcast it, those Swedes). What I like most about Denmark winning is my prediction that my wife was going to go absolutely berserk about this song. All the elements for her little dykie heart: wood nymphs, flutes, drums, folky shit, big innocent bambie eyes. It’s right up her alley. And I’m glad they won, because my wife gets vindictive when her favourites don’t win. You should have seen her during the first half of the voting when it looked like Azerbaijan or the Ukraine might win. She was ready to start a rampage! My marriage thanks you, Europe. But yes, Denmark. On the one hand it’s very cliché Eurovision-by-numbers (reminds me of Alexandr Rybak in that respect), on the other hand it’s also… good. Well done, well produced, well sung (also very Rybak) .And whilst I begrudged Rybak winning because I preferred the more campy pop tunes that year (Sakis!), there really were none this year, so I’m happy with this. I’m thrilled we’re staying in gay friendly waters (petty I know…) and for me this song stood out in a rather boring year. So go Denmark! – Winner!} 

^{A man singing about his wife and kids and how much he loves them in a language you can’t understand a word of. I love Iceland. I usually do, and I do this year again. “If this were a singing contest, this man would do very well indeed” Graham Norton stated. And if Graham says it…. And me, I’m still convinced he’s the Icelandic Brad Pitt. But that could just be me. -17th.} 

^{My little queer mind reads Azerbaijan’s Jack In A Box-act as a man struggling with this sexuality and having to choose a woman because it’s just not-done otherwise. I’m pretty sure that’s not what it’s about, but allow me the fantasy would you. “At least one of them is staying in the closet” The Sofa quips. “He looks tortured” we worry, but then you try being gay in Azerbaijan. With all these performers finding stuff to stand on on stage (stairs, a new podium, their own volcano), Copenhagen might want to invest in a stage with different levels. Glad to be of help, Copenhagen. -2nd}

^{“Ah, Greece, the birthplace of western civilization”… that’s really all we have to say about “Alcohol is Free”. -6th}

^{The Ukraine has enough Lion King in it to please me. And that dress doesn’t harm it either. -3rd}

^{“Eurovision is returning to its core: well sung and well written songs” André tells us, rather blasé. Way to suck the fun out of it, André. The core of Eurovision is: wind machine, key changes, camp and yes, well sung songs. You’re clearly out of the loop! So I guess Italy was good. It bored the hell out of me (and that’s saying something, as I’m known to adore the Bombastic Balkan Ballad in general), but I guess I’m just not the “core audience” of Eurovision then. “He’s wearing a suit”, the sofa points out. That he is. A nice one at that. -7th}

^{There’s nothing to say about Norway that hasn’t been said before. It stands out. It’s reasonably creepy. It could be a hit song. I’m sure André hates it. -4th}

^{Oh Georgia, now that we’re all numb after 24 songs and an evening of Eurovision The Sofa’s quieted down a bit and we hear the lyrics. And their Georgenglish pronunciation. I love you even more now. Sweden gets out Carola’s wind machine to clear the all the smoke and we’re most impressed that the Georgians managed all of this without choking. -15th}

^{Ireland, I’m so sorry about this, but you were forgotten. You’re the Xandee sandwiched between Deen and Ruslana, the “Flying the Flag” right before Verka Serduchka. By the time you came on even us die-hards were over it. We’d had it. And a bunch of shirtless tattooed men dipped in baby oil with a bad song just doesn’t do it for us anymore, unless they have a better song than you did. Yes. Read that sentence again, I’m sure it’s shocking. Had Belgium and Ireland’s places been swapped so would the final score I think. Had Norway been in Ireland’s place though, it still would have been top ten. The song just wasn’t good enough. And let’s spare a thought for the singer: the only man on that stage told to keep on his shirt. How insulting is that? – 26th, last.} 

^{And Sweden, can I say again (and again and again) how much I loved this show? Carola being blown off stage by a wind machine? Come on! How fantastic is that! And the many shout outs to the LGBTQ-alphabet community… I’m getting sappy (it’s my age), but it warmed my heart, it really, honestly did. It makes me so fucking happy. Thank you. I hope it could mean something to the GLBTQsomething community living in less friendlier places than I do.} 

^{Thank you, Sweden.
I bloody love you!}