Albania: Juliana Pasha – It’s all about you

Oh. Albania, one of my favourite countries. Year after year they bring the crazy performances (ballerinas! Coloured mimes!) or bad Albanenglish lyrics. What’s not to love? This is a very simple up-tempo discobeat song, right up my alley, obviously. The English sounds pretty good, which is a tad disappointing, but this girl is so posh that instead of a hammock, she spans a sofa between two trees in the woods. Apparently. I hope they bring the sofa to Eurovision. And the trees!

Malta: Thea Garrett- My dream

What? Chiara was busy this year? And can you imagine how bad this is if I’m starting to think it’s a bad thing she’s not here? Come back, Chiara! All is forgiven! I was just typing “if there’s any justice in the world, this piece of horror will sink to the bottom of the pile”, but then on comes the wind machine and the man with the gigantic bird’s wings (and beak, for some reason). Yes! Bring it on, Malta! For this reason alone I’m not making this a toilet break. You won’t get any points from me though, you’ll need a whole Billy Elliot-inspired ballet for that.

Greece: George Alkaeos & Friends – Opa

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Greece certainly knows how to cater to the Eurovision audience. Sakis Rouvas is busy this year? Ok, we’ll send a bunch of men in leather vests for an energetic dance routine, with a pretty crappy song, but who cares... Men! Black leather! I hope this makes it to the final. What can I say, I’m shallow that way. And I want to give my friends something to look forward to after having to sit through Shiny BalkanBoy’s teeth.

Portugal: Filipa Azevedo – Ha Dias Assim

Girl sings haunting ballad. Walks up to piano. Walks away again. Nearly trips over her high heels. Girl blows out candle. Girl walks back up to piano. Shouting. Keychange. That’s pretty much it. It’s probably Quality with a capital Q, but I can’t wait for leathermen to make an appearance and do the sirtaki.

FYR Macedonia: Gjoko Taneski ft Billy Zver & Pejcin: Jas Ja Imam Silata

Seriously Macedonia (oh, I’m sorry, FYR Macedonia, before hordes of angry Greeks start pounding on my door), you couldn’t have thought of a catchier group name? Do you really have to mention everyone who had something to do with the song? Apparently so. Lookie here, men with guitars and drums. And an ill-advised rap in the middle of the song! It’s so 2004! AND a guitar solo! It’s the nineties! Here’s a riddle for you, just how many guitars fit on a Eurovision stage? You’ll soon find out.

Belarus: 3 + 2 – Butterflies

I think this is English... and it’s nice to see young people dress up in suits and dresses for the occasion. The most cheesy Disney powerballad possible, complete with solemn handmovements and solemn stares in the camera. All they need now is some sign language. So bad it will easily make the final. For us it’ll only be justified if they burst into butterflies on stage, like they do in the video. Now that would be cool. The rest of it: urgh.

Iceland: Hera Björk – Je ne sais quoi

You’d think Iceland would have better things to spend money on than Eurovision, but then you would think wrong! Because Eurovision is The Most Important Thing in the world. And after bankruptcy (well, hello there Greece) and unpronounceable volcano-eruptions, the Icelanders want to give something back to Europe with this song. With a French line. And Classic Eurovision Keychange. That’s how good they are. They even bring out the disco beats. Go Iceland. Throw in a couple of scantily dressed gay boys with an energetic dance routine, and we’ll see about a vote.