We are unstoppable - Eurovision 2014 Final

Oh dear.
Oh my god.
What happened yesterday?!

Let’s start at the very beginning… (since we’re going to Austria next year, it’s never been a better time to quote the Von Trapp family. I wonder if that’ll be the theme of the show?! Hm… maybe not… let’s not mention… anyway!)

As if the show won’t take forever already, they decide to make it even longer by introducing the contestants by name and having them parade around behind their flag. All 26 of them. Seriously, Denmark? Seriously?  26 songs, 37 countries voting, all the in-between fillers, the inevitable televoting problems and you thought “We simply must find something to make this show longer! If we don’t it might be over at a reasonable time, before people have grown sick of it and the UK finishes at a low place again since they’re last to perform”

But hey, no-one asked for my advice.

Obviously. 

Finally, contestant number one has a go and it’s the Ukraine where a girl sings something poppy while a guy runs around in a hamster wheel behind her. A typical Saturday evening in the Ukraine, apparently. Generally a good idea to start looking for new ways to produce energy when you’re having a tiff with Russia.  -6^th

Then we’re on to “How The Fuck Did They Get Through”-Belarus and when we get to the points we see that only eastern European countries (and Israel) give them any points. So that must be how. Sorry, I don’t want to start about bloc-voting already (it’s going to happen inevitably, but I generally give it more time) but I absolutely hated that song. “Not a happy song” our commentator says “as it’s about a relationship going wrong”. Sure. Horrifyingly painful topic. Unlike that Hungarian song about child abuse. -16th

Azerbaijan is boring. Despite the trapeze. Their first time out of the top ten. -22^nd

Ah, the Teletubbies from Iceland. Always putting a smile on my face. The Blonde Ricky Gervais singing about prejudice probably has Putin cowering in fear. “I think one of these is a politician in Iceland” Recently-Been-On-Holiday-To-Iceland-sofamember goes. I wouldn’t be surprised. The Icelandic know how important this contest is.  -15^th

And there goes the happy atmosphere with Norway. Seriously, I’m worried about that guy. You have to let it out, Carl, this isn’t healthy. “Norway must be a pretty depressing country… always dark and cold. Probably rains a lot there”. We feel for the Norwegians! In all honesty, if this entry had had the Netherlands’ spot and vice versa, I think they would have been higher up there on the scoreboard. Depressing as it may be, this was a very good song. -8^th

Romania is loud and shouty and ideal for a drunken party, but this isn’t a party, this is Eurovision. (er… let me read that again…) Crazy Eyes and RaiUno girl manage a 12^th place though. 

Armenia is dressed like Spike, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he sings off key but yes, the last minute of the song is good. “Mordor in the back ground!” someone goes. -4^th (could this have been their first win if it hadn’t been for the jury system? I’ll let someone with a lot more time figure that out for me)

I’m starting to think there are factories all over ex-yugoslavia (I know, you guys must probably hate me calling it that, but naming all the countries is going to take forever and I have to take advantage of this small window of time while all three kids are napping, alright?) that grow singers for Balkan Ballads. Montenegro’s Sergej looks like almost every other male singer the Balkan has sent and sounds the same as well. Well, apart from Dino Merlin. “Finally someone utilizes the floor!” the sofa goes. Thankfully their iceskater isn’t wearing real skates, that would have been expensive to repair. Nice, but a tad boring. -18^th

 

Hooters from Poland. It may (or may not) be meant as irony, but if it is, it sure doesn’t come across well. This old fart is getting terribly uncomfortable watching the milk churning and laundry happening on stage. Some things should be left in private. Like milk churning. And laundry. The Wife is shocked when the lead singer pulls something from under her skirt and starts waving it about. “Are those her knickers?!”. It appeared to be a Polish handkerchief, but it was an honest mistake to make. Oh boy, I am not looking forward to watching this kind of stuff with my sons in 10 years time! -14^th

 

Greece makes the homosexuals jump up and down and knows how to throw a party. Is it quality? No. Is it fun? Hell yeah. Especially the singer’s clumsy attempts at jumping on the trampoline. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I would be jumping on there. Clumsy. Terrified. “Why the fuck did I agree to this?” -20^{th    (}pretty sure they’d have done much better with a later spot in the show)

And then there’s Austria. I’ll leave the social commentary to another post, this is all I’ve written down on my scorecard: “genius”. She killed it. With or without the beard. She took a decent ballad, sung it incredibly well and performed with emotion.  – winner.

Germany was my prediction for last place. Not because it was a bad song, but well… what could you say about it. “Average” is what most of us said or thought, bland. And average (not bad, but not brilliant either) usually ends up with null points.  Especially when you’re in the middle of the show. But they surprised us all and ended up 18^th.

Sweden. Oh Sweden. “This is how it’s done, peasants” I said about you in the semi. And you showed us again. As far as songs go, this was my favourite.  Better than Austria’s. Both sung fantastically, both equally stunning visually. But for me, the performance was where Austria won. “Ice Queen” I wrote down. The emotions didn’t come across as well as they should have, you didn’t move me as much as I thought you would. “Of course not, she’s trapped in a ice palace!” the sofa proclaimed. Sanna, you were glorious. Glorious. My favourite song on the CD. And you did fabulously. -3^rd.   

“Should France really try humour?” I asked beforehand. “Yes!” I proclaimed, after having seen their video. “No” I have to admit, after seeing this performance. “The lyrics are sarcastic!” I tried “It’s a critique of society!”. But I couldn’t even convince myself. I love this on the CD, but performance-wise the last spot was er… spot on. (that’s the level of humour they’ve reduced me to)  -26^th

 

Russia. Russia. You brought a boring yet decent pop song, sung boringly decent. Should you have been booed? No. Whatever or whoever those girls might represent, they’re there singing a song. It’s not sportsmanlike to boo them every time they get points. And they deserved some points. Did they get too many due to bloc voting? Yes. Absolutely. Is that their fault? No. Are they responsible for anti-gay crimes in Russia? No. (well, not that I know of) Did they personally annex Crimea? Nope, I don’t think so, they’ll have been too busy preparing for the contest! Whatever anyone might think of Russian politics, the Russian people aren’t the enemy.  Still, we were a bit bored. And started thinking of ways Poland would have performed this song. Never a good thing. (And yay! Rainbowflag!) -7^th

 

Italy showed us what would have happened had the Romans entered Eurovision. A centurion clothes reveal! Too much white and too much gold, we wrote down. Yes. Read that again. Too much white. Who’d have thought that was possible?  And if the gays had just recovered from the Polish boobs, they now had to face Italy’s knickers. Poor boys! Loved this song beforehand, bit underwhelmed last night. -21^st

 

My wife is a nerd. “This is my favourite flag!” she went. Because in the postcard they make the flag with books. Must be why I love her.. . But about Slovenia. I love Slovenia. Might be my favourite Balkan country. Liked the song. Bit oldfashioned. Bit forgettable. -25^th. Only reason it ended above France is thanks to its neighbours. 

Finland brings us a Keane/Coldplay cover band dressed in aluminum foil. Is it bad? Not at all. But… well, what are we meant to do with it? The audience of gays are staring ahead unmoving. Where’s the camp of it all? -11^th

 

Ah, Spain. 7 people came to this blog (yes, 7!) all the way from Spain because I’d said this wasn’t bad. I was thrilled with the visits, as generally it’s just my wife and friends reading this crap. So thank you Spain! But what am I meant to say now? Let’s say she got off to a shaky start… you could tell she was a great singer, but the start was pretty off key. She picked herself up again, but the damage was done I thought. “There’s not much dancing going on in the rain” my wife complained. And there wasn’t. Nor were they wearing something see-through (“If Poland had been singing this song…”) but the styling was great. I was glad they got a decent result -10^th

 

And then my dear Sebalter from Switzerland. I was just about to adopt you , your friends and all your instruments, and I still would, but what happened between the semi and now? Sebalter sounded hoarse and the amount of energy that had been there on Thursday just wasn’t there today. Still love the song, obviously, but I was a bit underwhelmed. No hard feelings though, Sebalter. A sofamate voted for you (though our 5-person-national jury didn’t, so… that’s 50 cents down the drain!) – 13^th

Hungary might not have been singing about not wanting to be called “Cheesecake” by his girlfriend, but this also wasn’t a very happy song, was it Belgian commentator.  A good song, yes., but the lyrics made me terribly uncomfortable. I don’t want to repeat myself and maybe I should see it as groundbreaking, but I don’t want to hear graphic songs about any horrible subject. I prefer hidden depths, the meanings behind the meanings… it’s just me. And I can’t sing along with “daddy, please leave me alone”. I can’t. especially not when there’s an up tempo dance bit afterwards. Turns out I’m in the minority though. 5^th

Folky Malta had my dad picking up his mobile phone and voting for them! Not that it did much good, but still if you’re from Malta, know my dad voted for you. Malta probably holds the record for Most Playbacked Instruments in the history of Eurovision. The drummer alone managed to fake playing three instruments! That’s a skill! -23^rd

Denmark brings us a cliché love song, as they promised, and for a few horrible moments I think this is going to win. It’s quirky, I’m pretty much alone in my hatred of it on the sofa and it’s performed well by a bunch of happy looking young folk. Who can hate that? Apart from me ( it’s the scatting, I can’t get over it). My fears of it winning are ungrounded however. Thankfully. -9^th. 

The Netherlands suddenly became the dark horse of this competition. When they drew this slot I knew they could be going for gold. It’s a good song, sung well, very different from all the rest and it’s in prime position for a good result. And ‘lo and behold… I think the second place is partly due to their spot, but they would have been top five either way. A good album track, a bit boring, but good. And thanks to the Texas twang no Dutch accents! Hurray! -2^nd. 

“Ah, so thàt was San Marino!”Apart from my shock when this got through, I couldn’t remember this song for the life of me. “Perhaps they’re intentionally going for retro” the sofa thinks, because what other explanation could there be for the horrible mermaid fan thing going on behind poor Valentina. Whether she’s singing The LoveBoat or the start of a detective show, we’re not sure. What we do know is that Valentina is probably glued to that pumice she’s standing on as she’s not moving an inch. That, or she’s a real mermaid. -24^th

And I think for the general public the contest was over after the Dutch performance, for is anyone still awake when poor Molly from the United Kingdom comes on?  We are, but we’re the idiots sitting there with scorecards and flags and homemade Conchita cookies and flag cupcakes. We’re not the general public. Molly is wearing a hairy dress and something centurion like. She must have shared a dressing room with Italy. And much as I loved this song beforehand, I’m –again- underwhelmed by the performance. Vocally she doesn’t seem to be all there and it lacks the power I’d hoped it would have. It should have ended higher than it did, but dear lord, UK, Europe (normally you should add the prefix “the rest of” to “Europe” but you often tend to leave that out…) doesn’t hate you. If they hated you, you’d have been booed like those poor twins, because apparently no-one has manners anymore. -17^th.

And then there’s a bunch of unfunny stuff (sorry Evil Petit Pilou, but I say “bring back Petra Mede”!) and for a while it seems like we’re going to Hungary and then the Netherlands nearly get it and there’s Sweden but… La Wurst wins it!!!
And she gives the best speech ever. “This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. You know who you are. We are unity. And we are unstoppable.” And then she lifts that ugly glass trophy in the air like she just won a boxing match. A true queen!

How beautiful is that? 

So Austria next year! Lederhosen? Edelweiss? Ein Schloß am Wörthersee? Kommissar Rex? Mountains? Who knows! If there’s anyone willing to take me  (and the sofa) with them though, be sure to let me know!