Apparently they haven't locked up *all* the gays . Eurovision 2009 Final!

Here we are in gay friendly Moscow, for the gayest show of the year! The show starts with the very butch cirque du soleil. These guys probably keep in business because they’re asked for Eurovision opening acts year after year. The Riverdance guys are waiting for your call, Norway! Save them from bankruptcy!
Oops. I just told you who won. Well, you already knew, didn’t you. Yep, the pre-pubescent boy won. He’s 23 they say. 23? It’s the biggest lie about age since Sandra Kim claimed to be 15, or since Cher ... all the time.


So, Cirque du soleil. There’s acrobatics. Some healthy butch male shoulderpatting (we’re expecting the riot police to storm in any minute now to break up these “satanic acts”) and an annoying little kid. Child labour. It’s Daens, the musical, in Moscow.
Oh my god! The old guy we saw flying through the air with a suitcase was actually Dima Bilan! Who’d have thought! And his jacket gets stuck during his clothes change! Fabulous stuff. Dima Bilan, the man who resurrects ballerinas, small kids and walks over water (ice, but let’s not split hairs) now also runs through walls (walls people!) to be able to perform his song for you again. The Russians are so impressed with his wall-breaking talent they show it three times. In slow motion. To us it just proves they’ve got shoddy bricklayers, but alright.
“And I believe in me” he sings humbly and ascends towards the heavens. Or towards the ceiling anyway.
And finally the show can start! With new presenters, thankfully. A woman who’s wearing 20 boas on her dress and the twin brother Zeljko Joksimovic (or Ross From Friends, or Will From Will And Grace).


Lithuania still brings us the same telekinetic piano playing. We debate whether or not he’s gay but don’t reach a consensus. If he is gay, he’s a powerbottom, we do agree (for the definition of a “powerbottom” I’ll refer you to my friend zurcherart). The flame in his hand must hurt, but he doesn’t bat an eyelid, just forces out a whole story in Russian or Lithuanian at the end of his song. Probably his grocery list. “Mum, don’t forget to buy more burn cream!” No need to be so eager, sweetie, it’s not like you’re going to win. -24th


Anja tells us she gets goosebumps from Israel’s song. Try turning up the heating. No, I do love this, though the sofa is divided. “Rubbish” seems to be the winning opinion. The lesbian lovestory has become even more obvious, when Noa now strokes Mira’s cheek. It’s all a plot to get the straight man/lesbian vote. Or a show of support towards the Moscow gays? Or she’s doing it because Mira’s cheeks are babysoft. “It’s Tatu-light” the sofa remarks. Though Tatu never went this far. They end with some drumming on a tin can. When you’re in a warzone, you have to make do with what you can find I suppose. – 16th


France’s Patricia Kaas (whom we shall not mock because she’s a big star and fabulous and intense and stuff) is missing a piece of her frock. Her shoulder is hanging out, it makes raising her arms a hazard because you never know when a nipple is going to pop out and cause a Russian riot. Patricia Kaas, ladies and gentlemen, doesn’t even need a wind machine. No pyros either. And she doesn’t shout anything at the audience. That means she’s one seriously classy lady. -8th





Aaaah Sweden! The light comes from within and lights up the whole arena. If we wire her to a power grid she could solve all our environmental issues! We’ll have to get out our sunglasses, it’s a wonder her backing singers haven’t gone blind yet. It’s all on tape, it has to be, her singing is spot on. Go Sweden! -21st


When we get to Croatia Anja is recycling Andrés comments from Tuesday and thinks we won’t notice. Ha! We’re sad pathetic die-hards, Anja! We notice! And Anja isn’t the only one doing some recycling: the Russians are recyling their postcards from the semi. Cheapskates. Well, there’s an economic crisis I suppose. The lead singer’s legs are wide apart enough to let a horse through. Who knows, the horse might be backstage. It would explain the riding boots. The backing singers still appear to be very horny, it must be the atmosphere in the arena. -18th


We come to the sad realisation that this final features a lot less glitter and gay than we’re used to for Eurovision. Umlaut points out it’s the economic crisis. No glitter here, we can’t afford it anymore.


Kellly Osbourne is representing Portugal and these people are So Very Happy (not Scary Norway Happy, but getting there nonetheless), there must be prozac in the water. The director treats us to a shot of the drummer’s bum. His front might have been too poofy-looking for Moscow and it probably upset them (have you noticed I’m a bit pissed at Moscow’s treatment of gay rights? Hmm... I’m subtle about it, I know). Perhaps the Montenegrin bumshaking was accidental after all! -15th


We enjoy ourselves spotting Fridrik from Euroband in Iceland’s little chorus. “There he is!” “Oh! There he is again!”. Give the girl a better dress and some glitter and the contest would have been yours! But then the country’s bankrupt, so the wardrobe might have been on purpose. “Barbie goes blue” our token straight woman remarks. Yes. And she can also hold a tune. Our straight guy says he likes it “and I haven’t even looked at her breasts yet”. Well, in that case, we’re on to a winner. -2nd.


Shake your bellybutton, Sakis, shake it! Shake it! Greece needs you too. We’re pretty sure his shirt is more unbuttoned now than it was for the semi (he’s making an effort, after all it’s a bigger occasion!) and even the male backing dancers fall at his feet. Male, female, there’s no escape from the power that is the Sakis bellybutton! He is Eurovision royalty! His shaking gets so enthusiastic he flashes us a nipple. The sofa is ecstatic: Sakis for the win!! The straight guy stares at the TV, openmouthed. Sakis sweetie, you were robbed. Robbed! You’ll just have to try again next year. Just keep trying until you win, deal? -7th




The sofa starts one big exodus/smoking break when Armenia comes on. There’s a lot of smoke on stage as well. The girls are sitting on their bridal cake in the middle of a swamp. “It’s a traditional Armenian song” Anja says. “In English” André adds. Er.... Hang on... The dancers are wearing a garterbelt (ha! Eat that, Dita Von Teese)), which is probably also traditionally Armenian. -10th


Russia’s song is about crying after a lost love, “and where else would you go than to your mum” Anja says. “To an ex of course” the sofa adds, but alas, no-one in Eurovisionland is listening, so we’re treated to a lot of images of the same woman, on the backdrop, on stage, she’s everywhere, singing a god awful crappy song. It’s all quite egocentrical really. She’s got no less than five backing vocalists (with towels on their heads), which must mean her singing is pretty bad. Heck, is she even singing? She might just be letting them do all the work! -11th


“Azerbaijan ’s choreography is a bit amateuristic”, André says. André, the Belgian, says this. Note the irony Mr “I’m from a country that’s not got out of the semis once, while these guys are taking part for the second time, none of us know if they’re even really European and they’re heading for a decent score again”. The straight guy perks up when he sees the female lead singer, but the mind (even his) boggles at the costumes. The lead singer has smoke coming out of her arse and a golden leg. Must have been a terrible, terrible accident.... -3rd


Ah, and here comes André’s and my little jewel: Bosnia. “A passionate lovesong” André says. “Oh? It’s not about communism then?”. “The red flag is the symbol of love” he adds. “It is? Seriously, no communism?!”. But we know better than to argue with André so we accept his words as the truth (the gospel of André shall not be doubted) and enjoy this song. Well, I enjoy it, the rest just suffers through it. The Girlfriend wonders if the lead singer will dare to look into the camera this time (no, but who knows, he might be blind) and a debate erupts about whether or not this is plagiarism, because “it sounds an awful lot like Lejla”. Tsk. Heathens. The lead singer is a bit too old for the emo-haircut he’s sporting, I will admit to that. “It’s the Bosnian Rammstein then”, our Straight Guy says. Bosnia, like Sakis, was also robbed tonight. -9th.


An interval with a bunch of Russians, including a policeman/soldier/their uniforms look so alike it’s hard to tell, who sing very offkey. They also only sing Russian classics. I thought the Pet Shop Boys were big in Russia? You couldn’t have treated us to a heavily accented version of “It’s a Sin”, no? Surprisingly no police force shows up to beat up the camera crew. Or the policeman for singing badly.


Moldova’s written the lyrics on her hand. Probably because she has no clue what she’s singing during the English parts. At least we think it’s English. Since we discovered the song was sung in two languages we’re paying extra attention, trying to find out which bits those might be...it’s hard to tell. There’s a lot of “Ha! Ha haaa! Ha! Ha haa!” going on. But it’s all very energetic and smiley and colourful. Extra points for turning up the windmachine when she sings about “all the weends”. What about those Moldovan winds? We never get to find out... it’ll remain a mystery forever. -14th


Urgh. Malta. She’s wearing a dress. It’s a shiny dress, yes. She can sing. “She’d be the ideal studio singer” Straight Superficial Guy says. Was she always this ginger? It’s a song from a Disneyfilm. The woman deserves a better song... there, I said it. Bad luck, Chiara, though you know, you can always try again. But please... let someone else on that tiny island have a go for once! There’s only three of you and you keep hogging the Eurovision ticket! -22nd


“Estonia’s participants are all very young” Anja says. Straight Man immediately perks up. Shockingly enough they’re younger than Norway (well... “officially” anyway – Mr Rybak’s birth records are probably sealed and Top Secret at this stage-) but they look a lot more mature. Girls always grow up faster, don’t they. What a gorgeous song. Shame about the shoes... dreadful dreadful shoes. They should have asked to borrow That Woman From Euroband’s pink high heels from last year. The lead singer is a smiley and sweet Morticia Adams and Anja says “she’s got one of the prettiest eyes of the night”. Er, which one, the right or the left eye? -6th


I Can’t Believe It’s Not Ronan Keating’s Denmark is there, flying the Irish danish flag. The real Ronan Keating is a liar, André and Anja disappointedly tell us. He promised he’d come to Moscow if Denmark made it out the semis, but where is he? At home in Dublin, that’s where! Tsk! But we shouldn’t be so harsh, Ronan might be stuck at Heathrow, or detained by the police because he looked too much like a metrosexual. Like the Croatian guy, Brink’s spreading his legs so wide he looks like an octopus and we fear he might pull a muscle. We know you’re trying to make us think you’re well hung, but after seeing what Hungary was packing, it’s going to take a lot to impress us. We wonder if the Danes went looking for a Ronan Keating lookalike or if Ronan Keating just fabricated his very own Danish clone. -13th


Germany bring a piano, a weird sofa, a demure looking black guy, a piano player and a tanned gay gentleman in glitter pants and an open shirt (“Hungary’s back!!” We shout happily). “Dita Von Teese was told to cover up during the dress rehearsal” André tells us. Oh, so no boobs to be expected then. Pity, it’s about the only thing that could save this song. Dita Von Teese’s cameo is the most pointless cameo ever. She’s hardly on camera, save for the last 20 seconds of the song, and then they have to introduce her because otherwise no-one will know who she is. As if the name rings a bell now... I do an Anja when I have to admit “I really don’t get the act”. -20th





Yay, Ha-dee-say for Turkey. The audience goes wild (there must be a lot of Turks in the arena then) and we, for our part, demand more close ups of Ha-dee-say’s stomach. It’s a nice stomach and we deserve to see more of it! Unfortunately the director doesn’t seem to be listening to us as he insists on showing us shots of the arena (“look at us, we have a nice building” – It’s not always about you, Russia! Get over yourselves!). -4th


Albania, her dwarf mimes and glittery spiderman come onstage. Strangely enough Kejsi is not scared by either the dwarf mimes or the guy in the weird glittermask (I know I would be), she even climbs on top of them at one point (it’s good to know they serve a purpose) and she manages to sing fabulously despite all the distractions going on on stage. The man who invented this choreography should be exiled, the poor 17th place is his responsibility.


It’s Clearasil time with Norway, “look at us dancing, we can kick our legs up in the air!”, yet again the gays are stunned in silent admiration. You perverts. My god, Europe, those lyrics! “Years ago when he was younger”, what, in kindergarten? The blonde backing singers in their pink curtains are hilarious: “la la la la la la aaa-aah”. Quit grinning like that, Mr Rybak! If the wind changes your face will be stuck that way and then what will you do! “His eyebrows look mean” The Girlfriend whispers, scared, and they do! They do! They’re the eyebrows of hypnosis, destined to lure you into the song and under his spell, ordering you to grab your phone and text him to victory. But I’m immune to pre-pubescent overly smiley boys so I don’t! It seems like I’m the only one in Europe though... -Winner.





“How we doing Europe??!” the Russians ask us. “We don’t like verbs, apparently” we reply, thus giving the Ukraine time to get their kitchensink strip club decor ready.
Svetlana does the splits and the camera zooms in on her crotch. I suppose she was asking for it... “What are those sluttily dressed Roman soldiers doing there?” a naive soul asks, “they’re there to turn on the gays” we reply, “The gays are turned on by tin foil?” . When the camera zooms in on Svetlana’s face the sofa shrieks, she looks about 80! Yikes! “You are sexy bum” she shouts “You are sexy bum!!”.... we’re scared. -12th


Romania’s Balkan Girls still have their mysterious disappearing-in-the-background-ugly-as-the-night-stepsister. I think she’s got the better end of the deal though, who’d want to be remembered for taking part in Eurovision with this piece of crap? “Nice boobs” Straight Man proclaims. Hmm... could this be the reason for her making the final? The straight men, forced to watch the semi by their wives, who had nothing else to vote for in order to confirm their masculinity? Ooh, riverdance! Ooh, the girls have a group hug! Ooh, I wish this song only lasted 3 seconds instead of 3 minutes! -19th (shame on you, Europe, they should’ve come last)


And ooooooh, be still my heart, it’s Lord Phantom Himself for the UK. “Are they doing that thing with the airplane again?” someone asks. See, UK! See! *Someone* is still missing Scooch! But no Scooch this time, there’s smoke, a staircase, four recycled violinists (We *shall use* our six men on stage even if we don’t need them! We have the right and we’re going to use it!), one of whom nearly sabotages the whole thing by trying to punch Jade off her staircase. Now that would have been funny. But the girl can sing –at the points where she’s not moaning in any case-, despite this dire song, there’s very little bad we can say about it. The Lord doesn’t get a great deal of close-ups and thankfully so. He either wants to remain incognito or he knows his face will scare the little kiddies. Whatever the reason, it’s thoughtful of him. The Russians are starstruck and go wild. I go a little bit wild as well. -5th. (Is this good enough for you, UK?)





I always forget about the awesomeness of Finland until I see it again in all its 90s, fire juggling, baseball-cap-wearing-backwards glory. “Is this the Finnish Eminem then?” Straight Guy asks. It may very well be. I’m liking everything this final, I’m going to have to vote for every single country. But not Malta. Or Romania. –last


And the last song of the evening is for Spain. Spain’s girl is dressed in a figure skating costume, the words “take me” appear on the screen (alright then, if you insist... talk about a powerbottom!) and she’s brought her own gaylords. We’re glad to see they evaded capture by the police this afternoon. They’re strutting about on stage, they skip, she crawls, my hormones are all over the place. Crawl for me, Soraya... you go girl. -22nd





And that’s it for the participants. The Russians show us their beautiful, beautiful venue, filled to the brink with beautiful European gay men. If Putin just locked the door and threw away the key, half his problems would be over. Perhaps that was the idea all along... perhaps he did... those guys may all be stuck there.. going hungry. Send us a sign of life, gay men of Europe!
The Russians also try to crush the gays under some kind of swimming pool (nice try, Putin), we figure they tried to recycle Dima Bilan’s ice rink, but it melted.


Highlights of the voting include Anja being surprised at Malta’s 10 for the UK (come on, Anja, get with the Eurovision politics!), our shock at France giving the UK points (and getting one measly point in return from them), Jari Silanpaa looking bloated (Jealous of the Hungarian, Jari?) and someone who looks like Sandra Kim giving the points for Sweden. Ha! And in Belgium she always says she’s sick of Eurovision. Liar!
And the results:
- Despite Sakis’ unbuttoned shirt and nipple flashing he’s going to have to come back again. With even less clothes, this time?
- I suppose that means we haven’t seen the last of Chiara either. God help us.
- The Lord in fifth place. I wonder if he’s happy with it or throwing a fit.
- Lys Assia is dragged on stage to give the trophey to Norway. The poor woman is probably cryogenically frozen after every Eurovision and then defrosted the year after.


I do think Norway’s the right winner, even if it wasn’t my favourite (it’s hard to argue with more than 100 points difference between the winner and the runner up) and more than anything I’m happy Eurovision is moving back to a queer-friendly place next year. Yay Norway!
I think the jury system works, the points weren’t so easy to predict and I think we got a better (more fair) result than we would have otherwise. Despite that, I also feel this was an unusually strong final. I had about 17 countries I wanted to give points to, while in other years I have to do my best to find the 10 I need.
My personal top 5: 1. Greece (obviously!), 2. Albania, 3. Bosnia, 4. France, 5. UK.
The sofa went for: 1. Sweden, 2. Greece, 3. Finland, 4. Turkey, 5. UK.


Now bring on Eurovision 2010!