Ken and Barbie win Eurovision. Hurray.

Well... that was all a bit meh wasn’t it.

Not the show, not at all, pretty impressive you ask me, no, just the result. Though I guess there is a silver lining: By this time next year we’ll finally know where Azerbaijan is. And I personally can’t wait for the interval act they come up with.

But before we get to the ending, we must start at the beginning. A word of warning, if I repeat myself, I’m very sorry. But there’s only so much you can say about songs and performances you see twice in four days time. And it’s not as if anyone but Nick and his husband will notice.
But yes, let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.
Don’t we all hate it when Eurovision hosts try to be funny? It makes me long for the scary old Russian bloke who just stood there as if he was reading the news. SvenOrAndré says that “Stefan Raab is the most famous German entertainer”. Ha! Wrong! That would be Derrick!
Anyway, a lot of nonsense later (and one funny moment with a bunch of Lena lookalikes, and a total Blitzkrieg of pyro) and finally, finally, we get on with it.

By showing us that the arena is actually a football stadium. Really? At Eurovision!? Our Straight Men perk up and start talking football results... now see what you’ve done. SvenOrAndré explain the jury system saying that “the juries are composed of music experts”. Music experts? What the hell do they know about Eurovision?!

And then, after what seems like an eternity, we can finally, finally get on with things.

Extra points to SvenOrAndré for mentioning Tom Dice when the guy from Finland starts, but what a depressing opener. Excellent toilet break, but alas, we all just went. We really could’ve done without the sultry look in the camera, Finland. Next please! -21st

SvenOrAndré translates the lyrics of Bosnia’s Love in Rewind and there are no words to express how much I love Dino and his bunch of overhappy prozac-loving crazy people. The guy with the triangle looks so proud to be here I just want to hug him and pinch his cheeks. Watch out with the pyro, guys, Dino’s on fire! -6th


“It’s not plagiarism” the guys from Denmark say “but there’s only so many guitar chords you can use so everything kinda sounds alike”. “It’s a wonder there’s more than one song in the world” Straight Man quips. We do the test on Soundhound and it –unfortunately- recognises the song as “New Tomorrow”. SvenOrAndré steals another remark from my blog, I really don’t mind if you do, SvenOrAndré, I just wish you’d comment once in a while. -5th (seriously Europe? What is wrong with you?!)

There really must be a dwarf hiding under that dress... No, that really is all her arse. All of it! Her own! Accentuated by the dress. Who could be so cruel? “I sink to you” she sings sinks to us. Lithuania, you of the fake Chiara Disney ballads, I am not happy you’re in this final. -19th (Ha! Not low enough!))

Hungary of the backing singers with the lit crotch. If you’ve not seen the contest, I swear I am not making this up. The backing singer’s crotches are lit up like a Christmas tree. Because you want to draw attention to that in front of millions of viewers, including probably your parents, grandparents, neighbours and boss. We vaguely remember only one singer’s crotch being lit up in the semi, and now all three of them are shining away happily at us. Either they thought it was such a good idea they should expand it, or they’ve got some horrible STD and they’ve had unprotected sex with each other. Safe sex children! -22nd (Boo, you were fabulous Hungary!)


Thank you Ireland for showing us mere mortals what happens when you overdose on Red Bull. They should put this on the cans as a warning. Depeche Mode! Pet Shop Boys! (just the backdrops mind, not the music). This is funny as hell and extra points for the hot backing singers dressed in hoodies and hotpants. -8th


We’ve seen snippets of Sweden’s performance every three minutes or so on “Out TV’s” pre-Eurovision show. Let’s say the gays are fans, as are the assorted sexualities on this Belgian sofa. We try to stay professional by playing “spot the ugly backing singer” – the ones who have to remain fully clothed and stand on the edge of the stage, so they’re not filmed too often. It doesn’t work, we’re drawn in by the camp of it all. You big slut, Eric, being felt up by all these men in leather. -3rd (Robbed, I tell you, robbed!)


Ah, Estonia is singing in key this time. Nice. But after Sweden, well... What can we say about it? It’s colourful. That’s about it. -24th

I love the way SvenOrAndré says the name “Stereo Mike”. You can tell he says it like he’s smelling something bad. And who can blame him. Stereo Mike –snicker- raps something about “his war against fear” (seriously? At Eurovision? You start about waging a war in Germany?) and I wonder why Loukas didn’t just lock him up in his hotel room so he could do the song on his own. There’s intense gazing at the camera, someone yells “take your shirt off” and quickly adds “Not you, Stereo Mike”. Anyway, despite all this, Greece ends up 7th. Bafflingly.

Russia, you scare us with your dirty wink at the camera. You just stay where you are before we have to barricade the doors and windows! There’s buttlight. And shoelights. And his name spelled out on the backs of his dancers. Oh how I wish they’d switch places just to piss him off. And another wink! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Fuck off! He must have left some extra room in his suitcase to pack his ego -16th (Ha!)


The straight girls go wild over France, one of them proclaims her Swedish vote has now turned into a French one. “He’ll get them wet, he’s popular” indeed. Ooh, a sunset, “or the opening screen for windows” the ever sober Straight Man (the only one not charmed by Amaury’s dazzling looks and voice) goes. Finally some pyro. An actual song at Eurovision is one thing, but one without a wind machine and nearly without pyro? That would have been something else entirely! – 15th (should have been much much higher if you ask me. But at least he beat Russia)

Italy is singing in English. What is this world coming to? First an actual song, then Italy’s back, with something snooze-worthy and then it’s not even in Italian. All this sucking up to Italy over the past year has finally paid off: with a horribly boring song and performance. Thank you very much Italy, and welcome back. Urgh. I suspect the “expert juries” of Europe have been bribed because for some reason this piece of drivel actually comes second. (I’ve said it before when you threw out Dana International, and I’ll say it again Europe: you suck)

Switzerland is still cute despite wearing the (as SvenOrAndré put it in the semi) “dowdy dress reminiscent of the magnificent Maltese singer Chiara”. “This dowdy dress deserves to be taken off” the straight men and lesbians mutter. Anna manages two dancing cameras at once, not something to be mocked. Clearly a girl who knows how to multitask. –last (bafflingly and horribly last... how is this possible? I suspect a plot where the EBU delegations stole points from France and Switzerland to hand over to that boring Italian guy)

The UK’s Blue come up to a stage doused in greens. Very disturbing. For a minute I think I’ve become colourblind. Modestly enough their backdrop consists of four gigantic videos of themselves. Gigantic. Shirtless. I mean, what the hell?? Blue, in case you’re from a different planet (or the US which is basically the same thing) are a British boyband on a comeback. Kinda like Take That, but not as good. And this song was actually pretty fantastic, if you’re big on the angsty bombastic balkan communist drama. Only their singing is way off key, their microphones are too low and not even Russia put up gigantic photos of himself (though I think he kicked himself when he saw Blue’s “I should have done that! It looks brilliant!”). Aaargh. Blue, where did it all go wrong?? If it’s any consolation, “That guy from Blue” came first in The Sofa’s “best biceps”-poll. Right before “the second backing singer from Sweden”. At least they won at something -11th.


Ah, it’s the shouty garden gnomes from Moldova. Eat this, Stereo Mike! Now whose idea was it to put christmas cones on their heads? Apart from the Pet Shop Boys then. “I know what will make the whole outfit come together: ta-daaah!”. Extra points for the drummer who’s not even pretending to drum to the rythm. -12th

Germany’s Lena has turned into a sultry little er... woman, I suppose. Gay Eurovison Oblivionist goes “Hang on, is that the same one from last year?” Yes! Good on you for catching on! Verka Serduchka was years ahead of her time judging by the silver outfits the backing dancers are wearing. Either that or they’ve been to Japan and they still need to decontaminate. -10th

No, Romania, no matter how many pseudo attractive looks you throw the camera, you are not hot. Your song is horrible and forgettable. Don’t vote for this Europe, don’t be drawn in by the clap-along moment! -17th

Austria didn’t take part for a couple of years because they were pissed off at the televoting results. They decided to come back just when the contest was being hosted in neighbouring country Germany. What a coincidence. Well if they’re planning on sending us (well sung, yes, I’ll admit that) Disney ballads every single time, they could really have saved us all the bother. The Sofa notices Nadine can’t move in that dress and those heels. We suspect she’s been hoisted on stage with a crane.”There Can be Miracles, I will always love you” we sing along. It all magically fits. -18th.

And here we come to Ken and Barbie: Azerbaijan has been taking part for five (four?) years now and they’re eager as a puppy and ambitious as hell. They want to win. And they shall try using Eurovision By Numbers, as they did tonight, and by god they even succeeded. For some reason or other. Because can I just say? This does nothing for me. Nothing. At all. I wasn’t even this pissed off when Dima Bloody Bilan won. The whole thing is so cheesy, clichéd and contrite: from everyone dressed in white to the pseudo-duet. All it needs is some bloody sign language and we can all hop back to the nineties on our cloud of unicorns, puppies and rainbows. Aaaargh!! It makes me want to tear out my hair and send that Moldovan gnome on the unicycle to knock everyone off stage. It all ends with a golden shower though, so at least we get some fun out of that. –winner.

Thank you Slovenia for sending us the light version of Anastacia and –above all- your attractive backing singers. I really have nothing else to say about this. -13th.

We fill up our glasses and the crisps during Iceland’s song. It’s a nice song, but that’s really all it is: a nice song. We notice we’ve all run out of points to hand out already. Already? And we haven’t even heard Spain yet?! -20th

Not that we’re missing much when it comes to Spain-by-numbers. One happy sunny song – check. One lady singer – check. Sung in Spanish –check. Backing singers who scare the hell out of everyone – check. Waving as a group – check. Wind machine and key change –check. And the Spanish air guitar championship to start it all off with. Only at Eurovision! The whole thing is like a commercial for a travel agent’s “come visit us in lovely Benidorm, for sun, sea and sand”. No thanks, I think we’ll pass. -23rd.

Not a single one of us remembers how Ukraine’s song went, but that sure was a lovely sand drawing. And some impressive poultry on her shoulders. The most entertaining thing about this performance is that apparently something went wrong because it took ages to start. -4th (seriously Europe? Seriously? You’re that easily distracted by shiny sand drawings and pretty things on stage?)

Serbia with the pretty colours and the dresses and blablabla... no-one’s listening anymore. We’ve reached our maximum of Eurovision-madness, we can take no more. Kudos for singing in Serbian though! And in key! And for being pretty. And it’s not a bad song. And we’re all just tired, don’t mind us, do you know what time our son woke us up this morning? It’s a disgrace. Don’t take it personal, Nina. -14th.

“Is that the one with the lettuce stuck to her dress?”. Yes, that’s Georgia! Why they’re in this final, we have no idea, but here they are so we’d better make the most of it. It’s never a good sign when they need the wind machine from right at the beginning though, is it? Nice teeth though. And Stereo Mike is there, in something fluorescent. Go Stereo Mike, the busiest man this Eurovision. And yes! We had to look it up, but there is a fire/desire rhyme! So that’s why they made it to the final after all! I knew it had to be something... -9th.

And then there’s an interval with something disco. And symbolically the Germans tear down a wall (oh yes, they really go there) between the audience and the green room. Unfortunately not by Jeremy Clarkson running into it with a truck, but by sliding open the backdrop of the stage, but alright then. We can’t have it all. The green room incidentally looks like an alien bee hive.
And then come the votes with our personal highlights: Dima Bilan who hasn’t aged well, Ruslana who looks like she’s turned into her grandmother, booing in the audience when neighbours give each other points (especially in the balkan) but not when Germany and Austria do the same, a hilarious moment when Spain gets 12 points from France after having practically none so far, France giving the UK one whole point and well... the horror that is the winner.

Well, I say horror... the Wife let me know (at nights like these it all comes out doesn’t it) that she loves the song and has played it over and over when she’s alone in the car. And yes, the song isn’t that horrible (not good either), but the staging... dear god, it looked like something out of a high school musical production.
And so yes, we wonder what the Azerbaijani interval act is going to be like, and the fact that it’s three hours later there than here and what are they going to do with all The Gays that are going to overrun their nice, traditional country and... they’re back on stage, looking happy as can be. And that girl should really let her hair go back to its original colour because it looks horrid and the guy doesn’t want to share the trophy with her and he kisses it (Don’t!! You don’t know where that’s been! Dima Bilan used to have one just like this!) and SvenOrAndré pointedly say “she’s married and has two kids and we don’t know what his er... status is... whether or not he has an er... a ... partner”. And ah well... what a crappy song, we realise as they sing it again. Or I realise anyway.

The Germans celebrate the win by throwing toilet paper at them. How fitting.

I suppose I’m going to have to post a clip of it, aren’t I? Go on then. So you can see what we have to put up with for another year.