Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Azerbaijan: Sabina Babayeva – When the Music dies

Well, Sabina, when the music dies, we all go home. There would be no song contest (well, we could do something with pyro and a wind machine but without music I suppose), no Azeris would have been kicked out of their homes to build a new stadium, a lot of money would have gone to other stuff (probably just in rich people’s pockets, so don’t worry about it) and I would be doing something sensible with my time instead of writing this blog. Moreover I’d have the three minutes of my life back I now spent listening to a faux-American boring ballad. So it’s not all doom and gloom, is it.

Azerbaijan: Ell & Nikki- Running scared

Azerbaijan sure likes their duets don’t they? Aargh. Well. It’s ok. It’s not bad, it’s not fantastic. It should do pretty well. Two pretty young people singing stuff to each other in heavy accents. What more could we ask for on a Tuesday evening?

Azerbaijan: Safura – Drip Drop

They might have only been taking part for three years, but believe me, Azerbaijan wants to win. If this girl doesn’t make the top five, I fear she might be extradited. Shame about the song. And the dress. I’m not sure even the quasi-shirtless hot backing dancers can save this, though Azerbaijan should have enough friends to put it into the final. A quick question though, Safura’s boyfriend apparently “smells like lipstick again”. Now I’m no expert, but how do you manage that... And so another Eurovision Question is born to entertain our more autistic fans.

Azerbaijan – AySel & Arash – Always

Since “Azerbaijan” is so difficul to spell they decided to keep the song title at least quite simple. Thank you, Azerbajian Azerbaijan. Now let us take a minute to mourn the crazy and fantastic angel/devil combination from last year. Alas, this brings us right into the realm of trashy boy/girl eastern-sounding-y dance stuff. Bo-ring. The video features copious amounts of wind machine and pretty amateuristic dancing which is promising for their performance. But since Arash is apparently well known in big parts of eastern Europe, it’ll be another no-brainer for the final.

Azerbaijan and Slovenia

Even though we’ve already seen the winner of Eurovision (Belgium, obviously), I might as well go on with the (p)reviewing. After all, Eurovision is about more than just the winner. I’d even say the other competitors are much more important: the ones who sing offkey, the tragic dance routines, the clothes changes gone wrong. Those are just as important a reason to watch Eurovision as finding out who the winner is.

And here’s a real Eurovision beauty (a soon to be classic): Azerbaijan, who are taking part for the very first time. But they don’t come unprepared, oh no, they have learnt the Eurovision Guidelines by heart, and boy does it show. Elnur & Samir sing Day after Day, a song/operette/piece of musical theatre/future piece of Eurovision history. It starts off with an angel singing opera (as angels do, after all) only to evolve in hysterical screams. Oh no!! What happened?! The camera moves away and we see… the devil! Sitting on his throne with a slutty girl draped over him. The angel and devil start singing a duet in what appears to be English, but it’s hard to be sure. Were they lovers? Has one betrayed the other? Oh, the pathos! Oh the pain and heartache! The devil pours wine (or blood?) over his slutty assistant and our beloved angel is joined by two other angels who appear to be doing aerobics (again, as angels do) before they drop dead at the end of the song. I don’t know about you guys, but as far as I’m concerned this deserves a standing ovation!
You can read Elnur’s interpretation of the lyrics here (and strangely enough it doesn’t include the words “I haven’t got a clue, I was drunk”). Unfortunately the article also states the song is to undergo changes. Don’t mess with this example of Eurovision Perfection, I beg of you! This has to be my favourite song of the contest so far.



Right… I’ll try to calm down and move on to Slovenia’s Rebeka Dremelj with Vrag Naj Vzame. Slovenia is –in Eurovisionland at least- the black sheep of the balkan in recent years. They’ve sent fabulous Eurodisco and a cute boy with a blow-up sexdoll singing a haunting ballad (the sexdoll lady isn’t till the end, so you’ll have to sit through the song in case you’re curious), complete with a sexy accent or a sexy language, all to little effect. Only last year did they get a decent score with a soft-opera-discobeat with built-in lighting, and let’s not forget they’re the first Balkan country to embrace the true spirit of Eurovision by sending a bunch of drag queens back in 2002. Right. Why the long introduction? Because I generally like Slovenian entries, I love the underdog, and frankly there’s little or nothing interesting to say about this year’s entry. A quirky girl with huge earrings sings a poppy song about the devil (erm.. yeah, again with the devil) while her cousins (again with the cousins) sing backing and a weird dance routine takes place behind her. At one point she gets angry (probably at the devil or at one of her cousins), and then she calms down again. That’s it.