Eurovision 2016: the final

Let's start with the real winners of Eurovision 2016: Mans Zemerlöw en Petra Mede!

Seriously, how fantastic were they?
The banter, the humour, the "coming together", the general naughtiness, ... no need to name it all, they were brilliant.
If there's an international Petra Mede fanclub I want to join. So many highlights: from their cabaret Eurovision explanation

 

to "Love love Peace peace (and a man in a hamsterwheel)", highlighting the fabulousness of Eurovision.

I'd marry them both in a heartbeat.
If I wasn't already married of course.

But yes, there were countries taking part as well, apparently.

My highlights:

- Belgium: *squee*, I was very sceptical about the song beforehand. It was the least bad song in a group of horrible, horrible songs to choose from in Eurosong (the Belgian preselection), but they performed that song for all it was worth. Well done. I still maintain it was stolen from Another One Bites The Dust, but at least that's better than that time we sent that guy singing offkey about his mother.  

- Hungary: Hot Freddie with his badly chosen t-shirt and his nice song. The Sofa was waiting for him to do a Sakis. Alas...  

-  Israel: I can't help it, but I have a soft spot for ballads sung by men dressed in black glittery gloves and shoes. And with the golden shower at the end... Seriously, Hovi! Brilliant. 

- Bulgaria: My crush of the contest: Poli Genova. I didn't even remember she took part before. When I heard, I looked up the year and the song and I found this on my own blog:

Bulgaria 2011

Needless to say, things haven't changed much. Our crush has only intensified as she now sung a fabulous danceable song. How fantastic was that song! I voted for this, because I thought no-one else would (well, with 13 years of Eurovision experience I can safely say my favourites don't always make do well...) and she even ended up in fourth place! Go Poli! Go voting public of Europe!

-  France: simple, but good. And I always enjoy a little language riot at Eurovision.

- Australia: I loved Australia. I really did. What a voice, what a way of belting out that song. Sparkly box, yes. A lot of men's faces in the background (what was that about) and a dress that overpowered the poor girl (but sparkly! Ooh!).
I was already devising plans with my Australian pal about how they'd have to organise the contest in Brussels if they won, heart of Europe and everything, but alas... 

- Russia: Sergey brought a good song, with an amazing act. Perhaps the act overpowered his song, and it did remind us of Heroes (once again), but all in all it definitely deserved its top three place. Sergey also seemed like a nice guy, which doesn't hurt.

- Latvia: He could've dressed up a little. The jeans and leather jacket combo is a bit easy ("yeah, going to the pub, then stopping by Eurovision and then I'll head home") but I really liked the song. 

- Austria: So! Much! Fun! So perky! Alice in Wonderland on acid. 

- Armenia: the beat could've been darker for me, and the performance made the song so much better than it was on CD. 

Honourable mentions:

- The singer from Czech Republic going wild by ... pulling the elastic band from her hair and giving it a shake.
What kind of cheap secretary pornflick did that idea come from? 

At least pull out the windmachine then!

(Did like the song though)

- Poor Serbia's dress. She did not like that thing at all. And who can blame her.  If it's any consolation, at least my wife fancied her.

The worst about Eurovision is indifference... and the minute the songs from the UK, Ireland (in the semi), Spain, Germany (decent song, but the act was OTT that I just didn't hear it anymore) were over, I'd forgotten about them.

I hope Eurovision doesn't lead to Brexit.
Of course it won't.

No one in the UK takes Eurovision seriously.
Or do they?  Ha... 

Not sure what I think of the new voting system. I found the difference between televotes and jury confrontational. Esp regarding Poland. Was it a song that struck a nerve with televoters or did mainly Polish emigrants vote for it? 

And I nearly forgot about the winner!

Ukraine.
Well... I didn't get it.
Liked the beat, liked the overall haunting feel of it, but I didn't like her singing. It didn't move me as much as it moved other people apparently. 

But hey, who's the Ukrainian Petra Mede?

And what will I do for the rest of the year....

 

Eurovision 2014: Semi 2 preview

Now what's going on, Piglet, you might ask.  Where are the days of the one country per post with videos and links and bullet points and things? You seem to be taking things a little... well, easy...
I’m sorry. I really am. But life is what's going on.
Actual real life. Three boys under four, for one. A fulltime job, is another thing.
Interrupted sleep. Snotty noses. Lawns to be mowed. Fairs to be gone to. Zoos to be seen. Philosophical questions to be answered "But mummy, if an elephant stepped on a sea urchin, who would survive?". I have to show up for work most days and try and be productive. And in between all of that I'm trying to convert my boys to the magic of Eurovision.
The youngest is still in the reflexes-only stage, he just wants boobs (which Eurivision generally provides). The second loves dancing, so that's pretty much in the bag, if it weren't for all the ballads. The oldest gets annoyed that he doesn't understand what anyone is singing, since it's in English. Or something like English. So he requires some work still.
Though I've gotten him as far as to agree when I ask him if he likes the Pet Shop Boys. Ha! (upon hearing some of the songs, “But mummy, is that the Petshieboys again?”)
But on with the show.
 

 Malta: Firelight – Coming Home

Oh good god, world war I, is it?  I’m just about ready to destroy this song and the video, but then it’s this folky thing… obviously Malta wants to follow up on last year’s success with something uplifting and fun. Not sure about the bridge, but the rest of it is one foot tapping, leg jumbling, clap along melody of fabulousness. With poppies in the background. Douze points from Belgium I should think. And the Brits.

Israel: Mei Finegold – Same Heart

Song two and is it just me or is this semi turning out to be the best of the two, by far?  There’s a lot of eyeliner, boobs, no pants and a woman wielding a sword. In our house we call that “fun for the whole family!”. And yes, the traditional switch to Hebrew!! Oh, Israel, you seldom disappoint. Not exactly a song about unity and friendship and butterflies this one, but I *love* it. But I guess I’m not a unity-friendship-and-butterflies-girl.

Norway: Carl Espen – Silent Storm

Could other countries please try and lay off the heartfelt sweet ballads when that’s our angle? I mean, seriously, we’re fucked enough as it is (and not in a good way).
Yes, thank you Norway. That was lovely. Unfortunately.

Georgia: The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes to Earth

Folky Shit 2.0. I’m all for it, it’s in my job description, but this is a bit forgettable. Kudos for the absolutely weird video clip these people have thought up though. It’s like being high at a folk festival. An airplane, a concrete background, grass, fake snow, slowmo dance moves, at least they’re doing all they can to keep us interested.

Poland: Donatan and Cleo – My Slowianie- We are Slavic

Basically  the Polish version of “The Balkan Girls they like to party like to party like nobody” (yes, I remember that lyric, and no, that’s not because it was so good. Bloody annoying piece of crap). The video is so over the top, it’s basically soft porn. I can only hope that it was meant to be ironic: one big joke from Poland that the leaves the rest of Europe in shock and Poland laughing at us going “they think we’re serious with this crazy misogynistic stuff”. I hope. But then again, when confronted with a scary big guy in sunglasses and a baseball cap, you can never really be sure.

Austria: Conchita Wurst – Rise like a phoenix

If a contestant can get certain lawmakers in certain countries so hot and bothered that they’re proposing a ban of the contest because it promotes “sodomy”,  how can you not love her? And really, they’re worried about a drag queen with a beard (as if there haven’t been drag queens before) when they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the boob and ass-fest that was –hopefully ironic- Poland?! Go on, “promoting sodomy”, Conchita (looking gorgeous beneath the beard), though I’d be lying if I said I was crazy about your song (heard it one too many times before, usually in Bond Soundtracks) and I’m a bit nervous about you hitting those high notes live. But just for spooking the ignorant, you need to go to the final.

Lithuania : Vilja Matacuunaite - Attention 

If I have to read one more participant profile where people claim to have been “singing before they could talk” or “dancing before they could walk” I’m going to start throwing things. Really now? Really? No. You were drooling before you could talk and before you could walk you only managed to move forward on your butt, so stop lying and claiming otherwise, random contestants of singing/dancing competitions and –apparently- Eurovision!
I hope they’ve done some polishing because on the video the act and song just look messy and that’s really the most I can say about this. Nah. Meh. It doesn’t grab my (wait for it) .. attention.
(I’m so hilarious, it’s unbelievable)

Finland: Softengine – Something better

Finland brings us the nice, decent rock song of the evening. In our house that’s usually the toilet break. I don’t know about this. Stadium chants (and worse “clap along” moments) usually bomb in Eurovision, and this is coming from someone who still weeps over the fantastic “Mala Dama” and the way it sunk unnoticed to the bottom of the Eurovision Pool. You’ll have to do something to make it stand out in our minds and I’m not sure what that could be.

Ireland: Can-Linn (ft Kasey Smith) – Heartbeat

And after the nice, decent rock song, we have the nice decent pop song-with-folky-elements that is one kind of Eurovision By Numbers (one of the kinds I love. But then who am I kidding, there are few versions of Eurovision By Numbers that I dislike). Yay, Ireland.

Belarus: Teo – Cheesecake

Another contestant singing about cake? Has this turned into a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous?
For some reason this song really rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not just the sexist video (fast forward to 2.20 so you don’t have to listen to this crap), it’s everything. I really have no patience for this drivel. Hope you booked your return ticket for the Friday, Teo.

FYR Macedonia: Tijana – To the Sky

Ha! No economic crisis is going to stop you from taking part, is it, my dears?! Let’s say the video, shot in part in a some sort of fetish shed (where is this place one might ask?!), seems to be aimed at a certain demographic, the hot blonde with the haircut is aimed at another, and the song isn’t half bad. Gone are the days of sending a bleating sheep and still getting to the top 10, but they have a shot at the final with this one.

Switzerland: Sebalter – Hunter of Stars

This song makes me happy. I love it. I’d be happy with a win for Switzerland, or at the very least a great big summer hit. My blondest son is shaking his little bum at the song and asking me to dance, so I’m taking that as a good sign. (I don’t trust my eldest’s judgement (“Is that Pet Shop Boys again?”) he seemed to have a thing for Engelbert Humperdinck back in the day) .

Greece: Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd – Rise Up

Again, with the “featuring”. Is it too much to ask to be a part of the band you’re coming to Eurovision with?  You’ve got to love Greece though, crisis or no crisis, here they are. Thankfully they’ve got their priorities straight. And I like this little silly song. It’s simple, it’s pop, it’s danceable. It should qualify and do well. Oh crap. I’ve just typed this and the rap comes on. People of Eurovision, rap in dance songs (in this format anyway) hasn’t been done well since the 90s. And even then it was questionable. Why must we repeat this year after year after bloody year? It adds nothing to the song, even though, yes, I’m very glad you’ve left Stereo Mike at home this year. Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd… who thinks up these names? #oldwomanalert

Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac – Round and round

Like a record baby, round, round, round, round! No? Oh no… it’s a ballad. Or no, it’s not. Well, whatever it is, it *is* bilingual. I love me some bilingualism at Eurovision. The video features Drumming in Extreme Circumstances, a woman in a suit and something arty. That’s good enough for me.

Romania: Paula Seling &OVI – Miracle

Ovi, the man who’s so great you have to write his name using CAPITAL LETTERS only. And the prize for crappy badly sung duet of the evening goes to Romania. Congratulations, Paula!

(and thank the flying spaghetti monster for not putting Belgium in *this* semi)

Eurovision semi final 1 recap

For the sake of your and my sanity, I'll focus mostly (only) on those dearly departed of our contestants. Otherwise I have nothing more to say about the final, and wouldn't that be a shame!

André Vermeulen, our Flemish Eurovision-god, has a new sidekick. A sidekick who wants to kick André out of the limelight and spends the whole time assuring us of his heterosexuality with sexist and lewd remarks. He has one for every country, so no-one should feel left out. "Look at the legs on that", "She's a bit of a tiger", "she looks like a porn actress". Peter Vandeveire, you are not funny. You are a stupid silly little boy and I wish you would just shut up.

We, on the other hand, have scoresheets handily provided with "straight points". The goal is, of course, that if you score a contestant with straight points (for example: faux heterosexual dance moves, suggestive winks, being in a rock band, shouting out "come on Azerbaijan"), you have to subtract those points from the total score you give that country. Speaks for itself.

Apparently we're in the Eastern most part of Europe. Because if Israel can be Europe, I suppose Azerbaijan can be too. Next up: Iran, China and why not, Australia! 

We start with the presenters introducing themselves. Thoroughly. I expect them to go on and include their hobbies, sleep habits, dreams for the future, strengths and weaknesses. But maybe they're saving that for Thursday's show. In case you're interested, one of the presenters, according to Peter, is the porn actress.

And tonight we say goodbye to:

- Montenegro: or as the wife said "can someone get their drunk uncle off stage, please". There are no redeeming factors to this song at all, or it would have to be the beginning where the singer is hiding under a cape. We shriek in horror as he throws the cape off. He looks drunk, pretty much unwashed and we love that when he yells "come on Azerbaijan" (straight point) no-one in the audience reacts. Good riddance.  

- Latvia: now I loved "Beautiful Song" on CD, but this stage presentation did it no favours whatsoever. Anmary and her friends look like cheap versions of "Desperate Housewives" and just walk about on stage for three minutes. Meh.

- Switzerland: we all sang along "sweem against the sweem" and that was pretty much it. Shaving patterns in your hair is so very nineties and the singer loses a massive amount of points with Eurovision Cardinal Sin Number One: "Thinking Eurovision Is A Rock Concert And You're Bono". Do these Swiss get no coaching whatsoever? Give me a call for next year. 

- Belgium: No shit? We're out?! How did that happen?! It's all politics! Everyone is against us! They all vote for their neighbours! It's because of the war! 

Oh, and the song is dull as dishwater. It could be that, of course. And someone please tie down the "hand", you know the one, the one that some singers (the Mariah Carey clones usually) use to Emphasise pointless Parts in the Lyrics. Urgh. Sorry Iris, you tried your best, but that song... ugh, that song.

- Finland: which I liked. Of course not a clue what she was singing about. The votes on the sofa were that it was about human rights in Azerbaijan, which explains the lack of wind machine she got. Oh lookie, she's got a cello! But a cello alone can't save her, unfortunately. 

- Israel: with Austin Powers singing lead. Yeah, it's nice on CD, but it didn't really go anywhere live, did it. And the whole sixties dance moves... well, you know, been there, done that. In the sixties. And a kiss between a man and a woman? What the hell? At Eurovision?! Still, it's obvious prozac is a big hit with Izabo, so I don't think they'll mind not qualifying all that much.

- San Marino who has the worst stylist ever. I mean, latex blue shiny pants? A loose shiny top? No no no no. The fact that she was even wearing clothes with a song like this was a big shock for me, but still... I said  beforehand "if one of her backings is carrying a computer, they don't deserve any points at all". And lo and behold... also, why someone was dressed as a doctor, someone else as a sailor... Costumes left over from the local drama club? You can tell she's screwed when The Sofa collectively starts looking for meaning or a hidden message in the lyrics. "Perhaps it's a critique of modern communication...", nah... it's just a crap song.

- Austria who were so beyond horrible that they should be thrown into an Azeri jail for the rest of Eurovision week. A lot of lewd remarks about the lyrics on The Sofa:  "Maybe it's a critique of how Azerbaijan treats homosexuality..." Or maybe it's just a moronic song.

We will be seeing more of:

- The fabulously beloved vampire show that is Iceland (Look! She has a violin!)

- Windmachine set to tornado offkey singing and random sirtaki-ing Greece

- "I don't get it, but she looks pretty intense, there's shouting and she's pretending to cry. I'll give this points and say it's quality, so everyone will think I know stuff about music" Albania

- Random windmachine, mega pyro summer hit Romania

- Totally won me over- Cyprus. Or as André puts it: "Cyprus is really just a smaller version of Greece". Yup. I'm sure the Turks will love hearing that.

- Catchy, though ridiculous cap-wearing (insert "should have know better"-joke here), Denmark

- The Russian grannies. Because, come on, who can resist the way they say "dance". And they bake cookies!

- Hungary. But who were they again??

- Ireland: for no reason whatsoever other than they came up last and did something with twin cybermen and a fountain. Bleh. 

Can't wait for tomorrow!

Israel: Izabo – Time

The video has clowns. If Izabo takes them to Eurovision with him, a new Eurovision trauma will be born (bigger than the year Dima Bilan or what where they called last year won). For the record: clowns are evil. Clowns are not funny. Clowns are not cute. They are evil horrible specimens of depravity and should be locked far far away from children. That is all. Now provided he leaves the Evil Undead at home (Cirque Du Soleil should be doing the opening show, you can ask two of their dancers to help out with your act, we don’t mind) and sings more or less in key, this song is quite catchy.

Israel: Dana International – Ding Dong

There she comes, shriding on stage like a blushing bride. This woman does stairs like no-one else. Dana isn’t one to let anyone steal the limelight. She can do no wrong here, after becoming the first (and only) transsexual winner of Eurovision and co-writing the amazing “fire in your eyes” (2008 - the one with the hot dancing jewish boys), I’ll forgive her the nasal singing and the crappy song. After all, it’s the return of the traditional “switch to Hebrew” halfway through the song. We sure love our traditions. You go on and show Carola what a wind machine was made for, Dana!
(And kudos to the guy at Eurosong.be for consistently spelling “coming” as “comming”. Very appropriate)

Isreal: Harel Ska’at – Milim

And on we go with the eyecandy. Eurovision doesn’t discriminate, people. I’m probably missing something because this song bores me to tears. And that’s strange for an Israeli song (oh hush, who doesn’t have a thing for Hebrew?). I might just give this one a few more listens. And who knows what happens with the right Eurovision Dramatisation. I have every faith in the Israeli Eurovision gods.

Israel – Noa & Mira Awad – There must be another way

Israel goes back to their peaceful Halleluyah-entry-tradition, as usual multilingual, with no flag waving, feathers in arses or fire/desire rhymes anywhere in the area. And who could not be moved by this? Two gorgeous women, one Jewish, one Palestine, singing a song about peace with lyrics like “and when I cry, I cry for both of us” (apart from “there must be another way” the only bloody lyric I understand in this song). With a nice dress this one should be going straight to the final. Next we’ll demand a Russian Orthodox minister singing disco hand in hand with a leatherboy!

Montenegro, Israel, Estonia

We’re kicking off the contest with Montenegro. Eurovision Queens like to believe that Eurovision is one of the reasons why Serbia en Montenegro split back in 2006. When a boyband from Montenegro won the national preselection (over a “qualitatively better” Serbian song) rumours of tactical nationalistic voting arose. Serbia & Montenegro then withdrew from the contest, only to split a month later. Not-Eurovision-Queens would claim that the withdrawal was one of the effects of the growing Serbian and Montenegrin nationalism, but they’re wrong. Obviously.
So now we get two countries for the price of one, and this year Montenegro sends us Stefan Filipovic with Zauvijek Volim Te (“never forget I love you”). Aw… isn’t that sweet.
You’ve got to love the clumsy straightboy dance moves Stefan is pulling off here. He’s hardly the first to manage this at Eurovision, one of funniest clumsy straightboy dance routines was –for me- FYR Macedonia’s Martin Vucic in 2005 (Specifically pay attention to his backing vocalists! Hilarious. And look how excited Martin is to be at Eurovision, you can just see him thinking “Wait till I tell the guys!”). Also a close contender in this category was Malta’s Julie & Ludwig in 2004, just look at Ludwig shake in the chorus!
Anyway, back to Stefan, he seems to have brought along his cousins and they look like they’re at a wedding aching to have a little dance but not yet drunk enough. Come on, this is Eurovision, give this guy something to do! Get him some costume changes or a juggling elephant.
This song is utterly forgettable, but I have a weak spot for Balkan pop/ballads/anything so it will have me (as probably the only person in Western Europe) swaying along.



Second in line is Israel. Hang on a second, Israel’s not in Europe. No, it’s not. That doesn’t matter. Israel sends Boaz with “The Fire in your eyes” . True to Israeli tradition, like everyone else they’ve ever sent before, Boaz sings the song in both English and Hebrew (treat yourself and look at the gorgeous Shiri Maimon in 2005 singing a gorgeous ballad in an even more gorgeous dress). Also true to tradition, they send some serious eyecandy (see Shiri Maimon, again. Can you tell I’m a fan?), and they do the trick with the singer with the androginous voice again (see David D'or in 2004… wait for the unintentionally hilarious moment where he switches from his countertenor voice to his normal speaking voice “Come on, everybody!”).



And now for something completely different: Estonia sends Kreisiraadio (Crazy Radio) with “Leto Svet”. They’re sending one of the more adventurous Eurovision entries, or at least it looks that way. Girls in gold bikinis? Check! Girls waving Estonian and –for some reason German- flags? Check! Weird guys who can’t hold a tune? Check! Eurobeat? Check! Slow-mo Riverdance? Check! Guy pretending to do unspeakable stuff to a piano? Check! Posters of cakes and is that an onion or a bomb? Check! Song sung in Serbo-Croatian in a sure-to-fail attempt to get the balkan vote? Check! This whole thing could be a sketch from The Fast Show. It’s a song and act that followed the “how to make a crazy Eurovision entry”-guidelines to the letter. Unfortunately for them, they’re not the only ones who had that idea this year, and the other idiots are better.


Next up: Moldova, San Marino and... Belgium.