Eurovision 2016: the final

Let's start with the real winners of Eurovision 2016: Mans Zemerlöw en Petra Mede!

Seriously, how fantastic were they?
The banter, the humour, the "coming together", the general naughtiness, ... no need to name it all, they were brilliant.
If there's an international Petra Mede fanclub I want to join. So many highlights: from their cabaret Eurovision explanation

 

to "Love love Peace peace (and a man in a hamsterwheel)", highlighting the fabulousness of Eurovision.

I'd marry them both in a heartbeat.
If I wasn't already married of course.

But yes, there were countries taking part as well, apparently.

My highlights:

- Belgium: *squee*, I was very sceptical about the song beforehand. It was the least bad song in a group of horrible, horrible songs to choose from in Eurosong (the Belgian preselection), but they performed that song for all it was worth. Well done. I still maintain it was stolen from Another One Bites The Dust, but at least that's better than that time we sent that guy singing offkey about his mother.  

- Hungary: Hot Freddie with his badly chosen t-shirt and his nice song. The Sofa was waiting for him to do a Sakis. Alas...  

-  Israel: I can't help it, but I have a soft spot for ballads sung by men dressed in black glittery gloves and shoes. And with the golden shower at the end... Seriously, Hovi! Brilliant. 

- Bulgaria: My crush of the contest: Poli Genova. I didn't even remember she took part before. When I heard, I looked up the year and the song and I found this on my own blog:

Bulgaria 2011

Needless to say, things haven't changed much. Our crush has only intensified as she now sung a fabulous danceable song. How fantastic was that song! I voted for this, because I thought no-one else would (well, with 13 years of Eurovision experience I can safely say my favourites don't always make do well...) and she even ended up in fourth place! Go Poli! Go voting public of Europe!

-  France: simple, but good. And I always enjoy a little language riot at Eurovision.

- Australia: I loved Australia. I really did. What a voice, what a way of belting out that song. Sparkly box, yes. A lot of men's faces in the background (what was that about) and a dress that overpowered the poor girl (but sparkly! Ooh!).
I was already devising plans with my Australian pal about how they'd have to organise the contest in Brussels if they won, heart of Europe and everything, but alas... 

- Russia: Sergey brought a good song, with an amazing act. Perhaps the act overpowered his song, and it did remind us of Heroes (once again), but all in all it definitely deserved its top three place. Sergey also seemed like a nice guy, which doesn't hurt.

- Latvia: He could've dressed up a little. The jeans and leather jacket combo is a bit easy ("yeah, going to the pub, then stopping by Eurovision and then I'll head home") but I really liked the song. 

- Austria: So! Much! Fun! So perky! Alice in Wonderland on acid. 

- Armenia: the beat could've been darker for me, and the performance made the song so much better than it was on CD. 

Honourable mentions:

- The singer from Czech Republic going wild by ... pulling the elastic band from her hair and giving it a shake.
What kind of cheap secretary pornflick did that idea come from? 

At least pull out the windmachine then!

(Did like the song though)

- Poor Serbia's dress. She did not like that thing at all. And who can blame her.  If it's any consolation, at least my wife fancied her.

The worst about Eurovision is indifference... and the minute the songs from the UK, Ireland (in the semi), Spain, Germany (decent song, but the act was OTT that I just didn't hear it anymore) were over, I'd forgotten about them.

I hope Eurovision doesn't lead to Brexit.
Of course it won't.

No one in the UK takes Eurovision seriously.
Or do they?  Ha... 

Not sure what I think of the new voting system. I found the difference between televotes and jury confrontational. Esp regarding Poland. Was it a song that struck a nerve with televoters or did mainly Polish emigrants vote for it? 

And I nearly forgot about the winner!

Ukraine.
Well... I didn't get it.
Liked the beat, liked the overall haunting feel of it, but I didn't like her singing. It didn't move me as much as it moved other people apparently. 

But hey, who's the Ukrainian Petra Mede?

And what will I do for the rest of the year....

 

Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Russia: Buranovskiye Babushki – Party for Everybody

Engelbert Humperdink’s groupies found out he was taking part and wanted to join him, no matter what. The best thing about this? When I watch the clip on youtube I get ads for fake teeth. Yes. Well. Just watch the video. I really have nothing to say.

Russia: Alexej Vorobjov - Get you

Gratuitous crotch shots, a partially unbuttoned shirt and an army of sharp dressed men behind him: why, this must be Russia! Now don’t be fooled by the lack of ice skaters or pianos, it still is Russia. He’s coming to get me, he sings, by god, quick someone lock the doors and windows! Qualifier though. For sure.

Russia: Peter Nalitch – Lost and forgotten

It’s the return of the flannel shirts. If these men didn’t have beards I’d have thought Marija Serifovic had made a comeback. The B-side on a folk single sung by a band who didn’t even bother to dress up for The Event Of the Year. It’s Russia, so it’s a guaranteed top five.

Russia – Anastasia Prikhodko – Mamo

It seems the Russians used up their budget with Plushenko and Dima Bilan and The Other Guy last year because this song is just an incredible amount of dribble going absolutely nowhere. The girl appears to be a lightning-quick manic-depressive, going from extatic to despair to anger and right back again in only three minutes. Quite impressive. At least I’m sure the Russians will love it. And what more could you ask for.

Moscow 2009?

Below is the video of Dima Bilan's first rehearsal. As you can see good old Dima (glad to see the mullet is back in full force) has thrown literally everything at this performance. Yes, that is a ladder. And that's an ice skating rink. And yes, that is Olympic gold medalist Eugeni Pluschenko skating on the Eurovision stage.

Ha. But *we*'ve got a circus tent dress! In your face, Dima!

Romania, Russia and Greece

Romania brings us Nico & Vlad (how’s that for a Romanian name!) with Pe-o Margine De Lume. I generally have a soft spot for Romanian entries since they often consist of the crazy Eurodisco you only hear in… well, Romania probably. Say for instance Nicola in 2003 whose accent was so heavy that I honestly thought she sang “did you ever know what’s the prince ass for”. Ok, so it didn’t make sense, but Eurovision has had weirder lyrics than that (According to teh internetss she actually sang “what good friends are for”. And just check out that choreography). Last year Romania sent a group called Todomondo who sang in six languages (Eurovision recipe for success) and whose members looked like stereotypes of the countries they represented (English guy in a bowler hat, Italian guy looking like a mafia leader…). Eurovision is always classy and subtle, isn’t it. This year they're sending a ballad, a very classical duet between a broody looking man (think Angel with a tan), a lady in a ballgown, a white piano and the sluttiest backing singers yet. What the hell are those girls up to back there? The video is funny for the total lack of chemistry between the two lead singers. Vlad looks like he hasn’t got a clue what to do with all these women and would have preferred being on stage alone. I can’t say I blame him.


Russia brings us the reappearance of Dima Bilan, Russian heart-throb and runner-up in 2006. Oh, 2006… what a glorious performance that was. Dima sang “Never ever let you go” with a heavy Russian accent, in jeans, trainers and white tank top. (Can you use the word “tank top” for men? I’m Belgian, I don’t know these things… whatever you want to call it, it was hot. Shame about the mullet, but you can’t have everything, can you). At one point a dead ballerina crawled out of the piano –a piano that no-one was playing- and started throwing rose petals about. Weird, but for some reason it worked. Check out the youtube clip. Unfortunately, this year Dima is singing Believe, a rather boring ballad –in my opinion at least- but his performance makes up for a lot. Sadly he’s wearing a suit this time (honey, show off those arms), he’s grown hair on his face (tsk) but at least the mullet is gone. His accent still is the cutest, especially when he sings words like “impossible”. He’s a superstar in the ex-USSR so he should definitely make it to the final.


And the last country in the first semi-final is Greece. Oh lookie here, they’ve sent Helena Paparizou again! And they’ve even given her dancers a chance to take part again as well! Or not? The differences are minimal. Greece has a recent reputation for catering to the gay audience and this year is no exception. Helena Paparizou was a good example, and so was 2004s Sakis Rouvas with the intelligently titled song “Shake it”. Check out the clip if only for the incredible design of that shirt he’s wearing: just tight and short enough to show off both pecs and abs, and a fabulous example of a classic Eurovision clothes change. (And while we're at it, have a look at the Dutch votes in 2006 when Sakis was presenting the contest and Paul De Leeuw decided to flirt with him).
This year Kalomira sings Secret Combination, a typical pop song with some Greek elements (think a slow Sirtaki). She’s wearing an impossibly short skirt (granted, she’s got the legs for it) and her dancers have stolen Dima Bilan’s 2006 outfit. The lyrics of this song are about as dirty/innocent as the ones of “Genie in a bottle” ("My secret comination is a mystery for you, use your imagination, I’m not easy but I’m true”) but all is forgiven because the dancers take off their shirts at the end of the song and spell out the word “LOVE” on their chests.



And that's it for our first Semi-Final, airing on May 20th. Don't worry though (or no time to rejoice yet, depending on your point of view), we've still got a second Semi-final and five finalists to go.
Next up: the übergaying of Eurovision in the beginning of the second Semi-Final.