Eurovision 2016: the semis

I've got a new tactic, it seems.
Not listen to anything (or a lot) beforehand and letting myself be surprised.
It's been my tactic for two years now, though not out of choice, mainly necessity. Or priorities. But it's nice. It's actually nice not to know what's coming, kind of like the rest of the world!
I loved being surprised by Israel's Golden Boy last year. The surprise still makes me happy this year.
And then this year... let's say I was surprised at some of the results.

Seriously, Europe, seriously?

Not letting Greta Salome through with the gloriously haunting "hear them calling" is nothing more or less than a crime against humanity.
How could you?

yes, it might have reminded you of Heroes, but who cares. It didn't stop you from letting "You are the only one" through, did it. 

And then my other gem. My precious: San Marino's Serhat!
How glorious was that?! The suit! The silver-clad ladies! The 80s throwback. Instant Eurovision classic!

But no love for San Marino... now I know I might never be considered the "norm" but honestly!
Have some Serhat. Relive the madness, the gloriousness, the fabulousness that you just didn't appreciate. Shame on you. 

And then my kids' favourite: the man with the wolves.
Now when I say "favourite" this should be taken with a grain of salt. None of the three seem to have inherited the Eurovision gene. We don't understand how this is possible, it must be a statistical anomaly. Perhaps when they're older and they see Eurovision as the key to a night staying up late and eating crisps in front of the telly, the love will grow. (of course that's not blackmail). Any time we try to show them some Eurovision the oldest starts rolling his eyes, and -with him being the oldest and therefor the key example to his brothers- the other two agree with him. Eurovision, apparently, is for girls.
Ha.
He's obviously never taken a close look at the audience.
There's one exception though: "The man with the wolves".
I actually like the song. I do. The boys like wolves. "But why is the wolf sitting there? And why is that man naked? Why is he dressed now? Why is there a baby? Why do you say he's a cylon?"
Hush, child, it's Eurovision, just go with it. 

I would have loved to see Ivan again at the final. If only because my kids can't believe someone with wolves can actually lose a contest.
He had wolves! 
(though perhaps Mans Zemerlow and *his* wolf were a tad more appealing)

I have a weakspot for the Balkan Ballad, everyone knows that. I also have a weak spot for Deen. Everyone also knows that. Oh my little twink of the balkans, shaking his ass to in the disco.
I could write sonnets for him.
Now the little twink is all grown up, lost his hair, grew a beard and acted butch.
And that's all good and well, even if the barb wire imagery is a bit OTT for me. But a rapper? Really? They couldn't have left him in Bosnia&Herzegovina? 

For me those are the ones that were left behind in the semis.
I'd have gladly traded them for say Malta, Georgia (honestly!) or Serbia.
 

Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Iceland: Greta Salome & Jonsi – Never Forget

I’m a sucker for this kind of folky Drama with a capital D. This is what a duet should sound  like, Azerbaijan. Not that white-dressed wind-machined monstrosity you won with last year.

Gay disco stompers at Eurovision -part 1

One of my favourite songs from 2011 was (the shamefully and totally undeserved only 22nd placed) "What about my dreams" by Kati Wolf. It has everything a good gay torch song/disco stomper needs: a strong (female) vocal, lyrics about self-realisation and emancipation, a short ugly dress and a wind machine.
If it weren't for the distracting backing dancers with the lit-up crotch, this might have won the whole thing.

Ok. It wouldn't have won. But a girl can dream, right?




Now if only she'd looked a bit more at the staging of Iceland's 2010 entry "Je ne sais quoi": fantastic discobeat, lyrics, great singing, sparkles and a smidgeon of pink (in the form of Eurobandid's Fridrik Omar) in the backing choir. Again finishing a disappointingly in a 19th place, but -if it's any consolation to Hera Björk and I imagine it is- she's got a big hit in this household.



Speaking of Iceland, this seems as good a time as any to remind you all of the other dose of fabulousness (and yes, that same guy from the backing choir - talk about recycling): Eurobandid's "This is my life". Written by Pall Oskar, another Eurovision legend, and placing 14th in the final, it had me make my own Icelandic flag to wave about during the contest. You'd be amazed how hard it is to find Icelandic flags in Belgium... who'd have thought.
Just look at how thrilled these people are to be there. If I could sing and dance -and most importantly walk in high heels-, that's how happy *I* would look to be on stage at Eurovision.



And I cannot end my first ever "gay disco stompers at Eurovision"-entry without the fantastic, the amazing, the "are they kidding me"-entry from 2004: Deen from Bosnia & Herzegovina.
My little Bosnian prince with the Dolce & Gabanna jeans, whatever happened to you? And what to think of those lyrics "I'm lying, I'm late, I'm losing my weight, because I want to dance all night..." and "kiss me and turn me slow, up and down, here we go". Yeah baby! Look at Deen shaking it for what he's worth and grabbing a 9th place which, granted will have more to do with the balkan votes than with the fabulousness of it al. Yet it re-installed my faith in humanity and its taste for bad disco music at the time (I was blissfully in denial of bloc voting back then). I love you, Deen!



Part 1 of many I should think, seeing as I just realised I haven't even started on Sakis Rouvas, Dana International, Ani Lorak, Charlotte Perelli, the god-fearing Carola and that guy with the cockring from 2005...!

Iceland: Sjonni's Friends - Coming Home

In case you didn’t know, and let me then tell you this before André can do it, Sjonni’s friends are in fact, Sjonni’s friends. Sjonni was all set to take part in the Icelandic preselection when he passed away. So his friends entered and won the preselection in his place. Utterly cute and catchy song. I’ll even forgive them for not sending a gay disco anthem this year. Or Pall Oskar.

Iceland: Hera Björk – Je ne sais quoi

You’d think Iceland would have better things to spend money on than Eurovision, but then you would think wrong! Because Eurovision is The Most Important Thing in the world. And after bankruptcy (well, hello there Greece) and unpronounceable volcano-eruptions, the Icelanders want to give something back to Europe with this song. With a French line. And Classic Eurovision Keychange. That’s how good they are. They even bring out the disco beats. Go Iceland. Throw in a couple of scantily dressed gay boys with an energetic dance routine, and we’ll see about a vote.

Iceland – Yohanna – Is it true

Oh my beloved Iceland … thanks for making me feel ancient, this girl was born in 1990. 1990! And thanks for making me feel like a pervert preying on young meat, because this girl is gorgeous. Gorgeous! Unfortunately Iceland have not followed in last year’s fabulous footsteps, but instead have chosen a dull ballad this year. Well, it’s an economic crisis after all.

Iceland's promo, Switzerland and Czech Republic

To protect you against the doom and gloom that is to come in this review, I present you with the fantastic promo video for Iceland (and what do you mean “Quit plugging Iceland”?). Check it out, you’ll probably need it as an antidote.



Right, now that’s over and done with: For Switzerland, Paolo Meneguzzi sings Era Stupendo. When Switzerland does well in Eurovison, it’s usually because they’re sending someone who’s not actually Swiss. The most famous example of this is Celine Dion who won in 1988 with “Ne partez pas sans moi (laissez moi vous suuuuuuiiiiiiivre)”. In 2005 they got another rare decent result when they sent an Estonian girlband singing about a Tiger (Vanilla Ninja – Cool vibes. Sending people from other (preferably European) nationalities is one of the many desperate vote-grabbing measures that exist in Eurovision. In 2006 Switzerland outdid themselves by sending Six4One, six singers from six different nationalities with the nausea-inducing song “If we all give a little”. The title alone says it all, doesn’t it.
The Swiss have not had much luck in recent Eurovision years, mainly because they’ve been sending utter crap. How else can we describe Six4One, or the unintentionally hilarious "Piero and the Musicstars” (how’s that for a band name!) with the amazing “Celebrate”. Wait for the moment where the Musicstars keep chanting “celebrate, let’s celebrate” while they’re out of breath. Oh, and let’s not forget DJ Bobo! Worldfamous in er… Europe (or just Switzerland and the Benelux?) who threw a tantrum when he didn’t qualify from the semi-final with “Vampires are alive” last year. I’m sure many a vampire was disappointed.
Era Stupendo is the third ballad in a row, so one of these will probably cancel the others out. This year Switzerland chose a singer from San Remo (they know better than to send someone from Switzerland) who will charm the ladies and men. Just look at that earnest face. The funny thing is that at one point a totally unrelated powerdance class seems to start behind Paolo, but he –ever the professional - doesn’t mind, he just keeps singing. I wonder if the choreographer just re-used parts of DJ Bobo’s Vampires dance. It does look that way.



Czech Republic sends a girl named Tereza Kerndlova with the song “have some fun”. Oh I detest songtitles that immediately tell me what to do. No, I will not have fun, unless I very well *want* to, ok, Tereza? As you can tell my hackles were raised before poor Teresa could start singing and I can’t say I reviewed my opinion once she did. Ugh. This girl looks good, as do her backing dancers (her backing singers look good as well, but they’ve been camouflaged in black, like all backing singers), but their outfits come straight from Sluts-R-us. I think it’s the same shop Poland’s representatives from last year (the Jet Set, a bunch of 16-year-olds dancing in a cage, shouting “let’s party, you’ve got the right to party”. Oh, I’ll party, just not with you) went to. And don’t get me started on the quality of the song, let alone the singing. I hope she took some singing lessons, if not… well, if not this could become pretty damned funny.

Iceland and Sweden

The second semi-final starts with the amazing, glittery Iceland (Euroband) with the gayest anthem of the contest: This is My life! With a title like that, what else could this song be like? Pall Oskar was involved in the making of this, which is also more than enough to have me jump up and down in excitement. Who’s Pall Oskar? Pall Oskar is the first out gay performer at Eurovision back in 1997, when he took part for Iceland with four latex-clad ladies, a white leather sofa and lots of eyeliner. Because the voting was still done by juries then (as opposed to televoting) and there was a live orchestra instead of a bass-filled backing track, Minn Hinsti Dans got very few votes, but his performance is a classic. Check it out here (and note how sexy Icelandic sounds). Iceland may well be one of the gayest Eurovision countries out there, at least judging by the national preselection they had. Also competing was “The Wiggle Wiggle song” by Haffi Haff, whose performance might have even been a tad more fabulous than that of Eurobandid. Iceland is one of my favourite countries in this contest. I just hope they make the choreography a little more dynamic, though they deserve credit for the mini-clothes change in the beginning.



And here’s another Euro-stomper: Sweden’s Charlotte Perelli with Hero. Charlotte Nilsson (as she was then called) won Eurovision in 1999 with the very Abba-sounding “Take me to your heaven”. Kinda like Carola (another Swede who took part three times so far: Watch Carola getting more (1983 – 3rd) and more (1991 – winner) botoxed and Born-Again-Christianed (2006 -5th)), she can’t get enough of Eurovision and decided to take her chances again. Even without the introduction you should be able to tell straightaway that this is a Swedish Eurovision entry. It ticks all the boxes: blonde pretty ladies (though Charlotte looks a bit scary in my opinion), an Abba dance routine, the typical Swedish Eurobeat and look, they’ve even recycled Carola’s windmachine yet again! Another hit in gay clubs and a definite candidate for the final, without a doubt.