On Conchita Wurst (oh, and the second Eurovision semi...)

When you hear "the woman with the beard" you immediately think "joke entry", don't you? 
I know I did. Or at least a gimmick.
I thought she would be singing an over the top up tempo song (which I would have loved) and -more importantly- that she wouldn't be able to carry a tune. But the feathers, sequins, wind machine and back up dancers would make up for that.
Right?

Wrong.

That girl can sing. 
If there's anything Conchita Wurst showed Europe (and me) it's that she's a singer with a good (oldfashioned) song who can sing better than anyone else on that stage tonight. 
And that the fact that she's a drag queen, with a beard, with whatever gender expression, is beside the point.

It's not about being a woman with a beard. It's about being a singer with a song. 
And that is a Very Big Thing.
 
/emo rant. 
(and if she doesn't place top ten on Saturday it will NOT be about her performance)

Oh yes, sorry, other things about tonight's show.
Were there any other things?

Well, it was "Forget Your Bra"-day at Eurovision today. 

We're saying goodbye to:
- Israel: who slightly underwhelmed me on stage. No matter how sexy Hebrew sounds.
- High As A Kite Georgia. "Why not bring a parachute onstage?" "alriiiiiight!"
- Lithuania: insert bad joke about not grabbing our attention
- Ireland By Numbers: been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and sent us a cheap knock-off. In a very ugly dress. Seriously. What was up with that dress??
- Macedonia: and more importantly Macedonia's Sister. Who looked very nice. Very nice indeed. I love a woman in a suit. Slightly less so if said suit is cut like a Sue Sylvester Tracksuit.

Thrilled to be seeing again:
- SWITZERLAND!!!
- AUSTRIA! 
Honestly? I would have burnt stuff down had these two not made it.
Loved Slovenia and the worst flute playback ever.

Party time with Greece and Romania (who impressed me, despite my reservations)
Norway was a bit droopy, but alright, based on the CD you get a second chance.
Finland? Er... alright then. 
Poland: see, I get that the song is catchy, but I cannot for the life of me look past the soft porn. I'm embarrassed, I just want them to cover up before they catch a cold. 

And Really Europe? Belarus? Really???

Eurovision 2014: Semi 2 preview

Now what's going on, Piglet, you might ask.  Where are the days of the one country per post with videos and links and bullet points and things? You seem to be taking things a little... well, easy...
I’m sorry. I really am. But life is what's going on.
Actual real life. Three boys under four, for one. A fulltime job, is another thing.
Interrupted sleep. Snotty noses. Lawns to be mowed. Fairs to be gone to. Zoos to be seen. Philosophical questions to be answered "But mummy, if an elephant stepped on a sea urchin, who would survive?". I have to show up for work most days and try and be productive. And in between all of that I'm trying to convert my boys to the magic of Eurovision.
The youngest is still in the reflexes-only stage, he just wants boobs (which Eurivision generally provides). The second loves dancing, so that's pretty much in the bag, if it weren't for all the ballads. The oldest gets annoyed that he doesn't understand what anyone is singing, since it's in English. Or something like English. So he requires some work still.
Though I've gotten him as far as to agree when I ask him if he likes the Pet Shop Boys. Ha! (upon hearing some of the songs, “But mummy, is that the Petshieboys again?”)
But on with the show.
 

 Malta: Firelight – Coming Home

Oh good god, world war I, is it?  I’m just about ready to destroy this song and the video, but then it’s this folky thing… obviously Malta wants to follow up on last year’s success with something uplifting and fun. Not sure about the bridge, but the rest of it is one foot tapping, leg jumbling, clap along melody of fabulousness. With poppies in the background. Douze points from Belgium I should think. And the Brits.

Israel: Mei Finegold – Same Heart

Song two and is it just me or is this semi turning out to be the best of the two, by far?  There’s a lot of eyeliner, boobs, no pants and a woman wielding a sword. In our house we call that “fun for the whole family!”. And yes, the traditional switch to Hebrew!! Oh, Israel, you seldom disappoint. Not exactly a song about unity and friendship and butterflies this one, but I *love* it. But I guess I’m not a unity-friendship-and-butterflies-girl.

Norway: Carl Espen – Silent Storm

Could other countries please try and lay off the heartfelt sweet ballads when that’s our angle? I mean, seriously, we’re fucked enough as it is (and not in a good way).
Yes, thank you Norway. That was lovely. Unfortunately.

Georgia: The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes to Earth

Folky Shit 2.0. I’m all for it, it’s in my job description, but this is a bit forgettable. Kudos for the absolutely weird video clip these people have thought up though. It’s like being high at a folk festival. An airplane, a concrete background, grass, fake snow, slowmo dance moves, at least they’re doing all they can to keep us interested.

Poland: Donatan and Cleo – My Slowianie- We are Slavic

Basically  the Polish version of “The Balkan Girls they like to party like to party like nobody” (yes, I remember that lyric, and no, that’s not because it was so good. Bloody annoying piece of crap). The video is so over the top, it’s basically soft porn. I can only hope that it was meant to be ironic: one big joke from Poland that the leaves the rest of Europe in shock and Poland laughing at us going “they think we’re serious with this crazy misogynistic stuff”. I hope. But then again, when confronted with a scary big guy in sunglasses and a baseball cap, you can never really be sure.

Austria: Conchita Wurst – Rise like a phoenix

If a contestant can get certain lawmakers in certain countries so hot and bothered that they’re proposing a ban of the contest because it promotes “sodomy”,  how can you not love her? And really, they’re worried about a drag queen with a beard (as if there haven’t been drag queens before) when they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the boob and ass-fest that was –hopefully ironic- Poland?! Go on, “promoting sodomy”, Conchita (looking gorgeous beneath the beard), though I’d be lying if I said I was crazy about your song (heard it one too many times before, usually in Bond Soundtracks) and I’m a bit nervous about you hitting those high notes live. But just for spooking the ignorant, you need to go to the final.

Lithuania : Vilja Matacuunaite - Attention 

If I have to read one more participant profile where people claim to have been “singing before they could talk” or “dancing before they could walk” I’m going to start throwing things. Really now? Really? No. You were drooling before you could talk and before you could walk you only managed to move forward on your butt, so stop lying and claiming otherwise, random contestants of singing/dancing competitions and –apparently- Eurovision!
I hope they’ve done some polishing because on the video the act and song just look messy and that’s really the most I can say about this. Nah. Meh. It doesn’t grab my (wait for it) .. attention.
(I’m so hilarious, it’s unbelievable)

Finland: Softengine – Something better

Finland brings us the nice, decent rock song of the evening. In our house that’s usually the toilet break. I don’t know about this. Stadium chants (and worse “clap along” moments) usually bomb in Eurovision, and this is coming from someone who still weeps over the fantastic “Mala Dama” and the way it sunk unnoticed to the bottom of the Eurovision Pool. You’ll have to do something to make it stand out in our minds and I’m not sure what that could be.

Ireland: Can-Linn (ft Kasey Smith) – Heartbeat

And after the nice, decent rock song, we have the nice decent pop song-with-folky-elements that is one kind of Eurovision By Numbers (one of the kinds I love. But then who am I kidding, there are few versions of Eurovision By Numbers that I dislike). Yay, Ireland.

Belarus: Teo – Cheesecake

Another contestant singing about cake? Has this turned into a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous?
For some reason this song really rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not just the sexist video (fast forward to 2.20 so you don’t have to listen to this crap), it’s everything. I really have no patience for this drivel. Hope you booked your return ticket for the Friday, Teo.

FYR Macedonia: Tijana – To the Sky

Ha! No economic crisis is going to stop you from taking part, is it, my dears?! Let’s say the video, shot in part in a some sort of fetish shed (where is this place one might ask?!), seems to be aimed at a certain demographic, the hot blonde with the haircut is aimed at another, and the song isn’t half bad. Gone are the days of sending a bleating sheep and still getting to the top 10, but they have a shot at the final with this one.

Switzerland: Sebalter – Hunter of Stars

This song makes me happy. I love it. I’d be happy with a win for Switzerland, or at the very least a great big summer hit. My blondest son is shaking his little bum at the song and asking me to dance, so I’m taking that as a good sign. (I don’t trust my eldest’s judgement (“Is that Pet Shop Boys again?”) he seemed to have a thing for Engelbert Humperdinck back in the day) .

Greece: Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd – Rise Up

Again, with the “featuring”. Is it too much to ask to be a part of the band you’re coming to Eurovision with?  You’ve got to love Greece though, crisis or no crisis, here they are. Thankfully they’ve got their priorities straight. And I like this little silly song. It’s simple, it’s pop, it’s danceable. It should qualify and do well. Oh crap. I’ve just typed this and the rap comes on. People of Eurovision, rap in dance songs (in this format anyway) hasn’t been done well since the 90s. And even then it was questionable. Why must we repeat this year after year after bloody year? It adds nothing to the song, even though, yes, I’m very glad you’ve left Stereo Mike at home this year. Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd… who thinks up these names? #oldwomanalert

Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac – Round and round

Like a record baby, round, round, round, round! No? Oh no… it’s a ballad. Or no, it’s not. Well, whatever it is, it *is* bilingual. I love me some bilingualism at Eurovision. The video features Drumming in Extreme Circumstances, a woman in a suit and something arty. That’s good enough for me.

Romania: Paula Seling &OVI – Miracle

Ovi, the man who’s so great you have to write his name using CAPITAL LETTERS only. And the prize for crappy badly sung duet of the evening goes to Romania. Congratulations, Paula!

(and thank the flying spaghetti monster for not putting Belgium in *this* semi)

Eurovision semi final 1 recap

For the sake of your and my sanity, I'll focus mostly (only) on those dearly departed of our contestants. Otherwise I have nothing more to say about the final, and wouldn't that be a shame!

André Vermeulen, our Flemish Eurovision-god, has a new sidekick. A sidekick who wants to kick André out of the limelight and spends the whole time assuring us of his heterosexuality with sexist and lewd remarks. He has one for every country, so no-one should feel left out. "Look at the legs on that", "She's a bit of a tiger", "she looks like a porn actress". Peter Vandeveire, you are not funny. You are a stupid silly little boy and I wish you would just shut up.

We, on the other hand, have scoresheets handily provided with "straight points". The goal is, of course, that if you score a contestant with straight points (for example: faux heterosexual dance moves, suggestive winks, being in a rock band, shouting out "come on Azerbaijan"), you have to subtract those points from the total score you give that country. Speaks for itself.

Apparently we're in the Eastern most part of Europe. Because if Israel can be Europe, I suppose Azerbaijan can be too. Next up: Iran, China and why not, Australia! 

We start with the presenters introducing themselves. Thoroughly. I expect them to go on and include their hobbies, sleep habits, dreams for the future, strengths and weaknesses. But maybe they're saving that for Thursday's show. In case you're interested, one of the presenters, according to Peter, is the porn actress.

And tonight we say goodbye to:

- Montenegro: or as the wife said "can someone get their drunk uncle off stage, please". There are no redeeming factors to this song at all, or it would have to be the beginning where the singer is hiding under a cape. We shriek in horror as he throws the cape off. He looks drunk, pretty much unwashed and we love that when he yells "come on Azerbaijan" (straight point) no-one in the audience reacts. Good riddance.  

- Latvia: now I loved "Beautiful Song" on CD, but this stage presentation did it no favours whatsoever. Anmary and her friends look like cheap versions of "Desperate Housewives" and just walk about on stage for three minutes. Meh.

- Switzerland: we all sang along "sweem against the sweem" and that was pretty much it. Shaving patterns in your hair is so very nineties and the singer loses a massive amount of points with Eurovision Cardinal Sin Number One: "Thinking Eurovision Is A Rock Concert And You're Bono". Do these Swiss get no coaching whatsoever? Give me a call for next year. 

- Belgium: No shit? We're out?! How did that happen?! It's all politics! Everyone is against us! They all vote for their neighbours! It's because of the war! 

Oh, and the song is dull as dishwater. It could be that, of course. And someone please tie down the "hand", you know the one, the one that some singers (the Mariah Carey clones usually) use to Emphasise pointless Parts in the Lyrics. Urgh. Sorry Iris, you tried your best, but that song... ugh, that song.

- Finland: which I liked. Of course not a clue what she was singing about. The votes on the sofa were that it was about human rights in Azerbaijan, which explains the lack of wind machine she got. Oh lookie, she's got a cello! But a cello alone can't save her, unfortunately. 

- Israel: with Austin Powers singing lead. Yeah, it's nice on CD, but it didn't really go anywhere live, did it. And the whole sixties dance moves... well, you know, been there, done that. In the sixties. And a kiss between a man and a woman? What the hell? At Eurovision?! Still, it's obvious prozac is a big hit with Izabo, so I don't think they'll mind not qualifying all that much.

- San Marino who has the worst stylist ever. I mean, latex blue shiny pants? A loose shiny top? No no no no. The fact that she was even wearing clothes with a song like this was a big shock for me, but still... I said  beforehand "if one of her backings is carrying a computer, they don't deserve any points at all". And lo and behold... also, why someone was dressed as a doctor, someone else as a sailor... Costumes left over from the local drama club? You can tell she's screwed when The Sofa collectively starts looking for meaning or a hidden message in the lyrics. "Perhaps it's a critique of modern communication...", nah... it's just a crap song.

- Austria who were so beyond horrible that they should be thrown into an Azeri jail for the rest of Eurovision week. A lot of lewd remarks about the lyrics on The Sofa:  "Maybe it's a critique of how Azerbaijan treats homosexuality..." Or maybe it's just a moronic song.

We will be seeing more of:

- The fabulously beloved vampire show that is Iceland (Look! She has a violin!)

- Windmachine set to tornado offkey singing and random sirtaki-ing Greece

- "I don't get it, but she looks pretty intense, there's shouting and she's pretending to cry. I'll give this points and say it's quality, so everyone will think I know stuff about music" Albania

- Random windmachine, mega pyro summer hit Romania

- Totally won me over- Cyprus. Or as André puts it: "Cyprus is really just a smaller version of Greece". Yup. I'm sure the Turks will love hearing that.

- Catchy, though ridiculous cap-wearing (insert "should have know better"-joke here), Denmark

- The Russian grannies. Because, come on, who can resist the way they say "dance". And they bake cookies!

- Hungary. But who were they again??

- Ireland: for no reason whatsoever other than they came up last and did something with twin cybermen and a fountain. Bleh. 

Can't wait for tomorrow!

Finland: Pernilla – När Jag Blundar

Pernilla, now there’s a name if we have a girl... or not. Can I just say how fantastic I think it is that so many countries are not singing in English? And I don’t mean Molovenglish or Armenenglish or anything like that. I mean, she could be singing her shopping list and I’d still think it sounds sexy. It has definite advantages. Unless you’re Dutch, because then I know what you’re singing about and “three apricots, a bunch of carrots and so many boxes of pasta” just doesn’t do it for me. This song could either be really memorable and moving or very boring and bland. I think I quite like it, though I hope they leave the distracting dancer at home. And invest in a pretty frock for Pernilla.

Finland: Paradise Oskar- Da da dam

Finland brings us a song about a kid called Peter who wants to save the planet. Or something. It’s utterly inoffensive and quite nice in a guy-with-a-guitar-singing-da-da-da-da-my&myguitar-kinda way. Needless to say, it’s not my thing.

Finland: Kuunkuiskaajat – Työlki ellää

What. The. Hell?
This year is not only Ballad Eurovision, it’s also Folky Eurovision. Forget about shoes, get out your violins and your white flowy dresses and let’s hop and skip about, clapping our hands. Tsk, when the Belgians send a folky circustent song in an imaginary language everyone makes fun of us, but who’s to say this is an actual language? Eh? Unfair.

Finland – Waldo’s people – Lose control

Eurovision.tv promises us “the ultimate dance hit”, and I fear I might be at a loss on how to describe this. It ‘s very 90s, yes, and the 90s are hip again, and for some reason this is growing on me more and more in all its cheesy bad-dance quality and right next to me the Girlfriend is singing along at her first listen. It ‘ll probably not go anywhere in Eurovisionland, but I can promise it ‘ll be played at our wedding! Come on people, just listen to that keychange!

The Netherlands and Finland

Hind (and my god, does she have a funny name for English speakers) represents the Netherlands with the originally titled “Your heart belongs to me”. It does? Well… it might. This is another example of a poppy, happy song with a lot of Eastern influences. One could say the ethnic sounds are an attempt to gain some Eastern European sympathy, but I don’t care (You’ve probably already noticed that in Eurovision, Eastern Europe is seen as at least as powerful as the Mafia. They’re like the father you have to work hard to please, the teacher you don’t want to disappoint.). To me this is a decent pop song, sung by a sexy lady (hel-lo there, Hind) wearing nothing more than a short coat. Forget trousers, Hind, the outfit’s great this way!



Finland sends the rock group Teräsbetoni with Missä Miehet Ratsastaa.
Ever since Finland’s first ever win two years ago with a bunch of latex-masked monsters singing hardrock-pop (Lordi ESC 2006), they’ve been sending rock songs. Why cange a winning team, eh. Well, the fact that last year’s entry was one big flop might give them some food for thought, but apparently not. Now I don’t dislike rock. I think this song is decent enough, and I loved Norway’s Kiss –wannabes a few years back (Wig Wam ESC 2005) but come on, sweeties, where’s the glamour, where’s the humour. Mr Lordi wore a cute hat with the Finnish flag on his monsterhead, he had wings and fireworks! Wig Wam had spandex and a feather boa! These guys… well… some of them are shirtless, which is something, at least. But apart from that it appears to be a very “serious” rock song.
Oh go on, watch the clip. If only for the Finnish introduction.