Eurovision Semi 1: results

What. The. Fuck. Europe?
What the fuck?
Seriously?
SAN FUCKING MARINO???
It's the worst song she's ever brought, and that's saying a lot. Bunch of sentimental queens voting for the Loveboat...

Ahem.
Sorry.

I cry bitter tears.
No matter your feelings on a song, on how bad or over the top or sentimental of shmalzy it is, you just want to see your country in the final. It's just so much more fun that way.
Alas. It was not to be. I'll get over it. Somehow.

We're never sending a Walloon to Eurovision again. They're barred from now on! 

So... who did we say goodbye to tonight?

-US, Belgium!!!! Poor Axel Hirsoux, he must have been crying his eyes out. I really feel for the guy. No worries, I don't blame you. I just blame Europe and their lack of respect for THEIR MOTHERS. And for the proper Bombastic Ballad that makes Eurovision Great. Shame on you, Europe. Shame on you! 
- The stoned Latvians who forgot to comb their hair. Brainstorm 2.0. Or as the Wife said "well, as long as they're happy, just let them be..."
- The Whitest Of Them All: Estonia, with her backing singers so far away on the edge of the stage I hope they don't suffer from acrophobia. 
-  Albania who sent Shakira with a song that went nowhere slowly, including a guitarist wearing a turtleneck. A turtleneck???  Who wears turtlenecks at Eurovision? (Capital Rule: "No Guitars At Eurovision" can now be said to include "No Turtlenecks At Eurovision")
- Moldova with a cross between Game of Thrones, a prom dress gone bad and a hairdo-change. Yes. A hairdo-change. A bad one. 
- and Portugal who sang off key but what a catchy silly stupid thing that was. Flags! Wind machine! Football Chants! "If it worked for France in 2010...." No, France was good honey, that's the difference.

And that's it.
All the others are going through, including the song about domestic abuse from Hungary (seriously? It's making me uncomfortable just listening to it in a Eurovision setting and I work in childcare!), those twins who got booed for their country's politics, that boring song about starting a fire, the boring (yet good) Dutch, the guy in the hamster wheel ("Free me! Free me!"), San Fucking Marino (I know they've been passed over in the past, but this year they deserved to be!), Zeljko... oh... no that wasn't Zeljko... hm... looked like him, the Armenian dubstep explosion, fabulous Iceland, and "THIS is how it's done, peasants, watch and learn" Sweden.
 
Which means we must have really really really sucked....
I might need a few days to recover. Thankfully there's another semi the day after tomorrow. 
If Switzerland don't make it then, I might just set fire to something....

On a related note: Denmark, you are fantastic.
All the inclusive GLBTQ tolerance, the filming of the rainbow flag after Russia's performance, the pisstake on the Perfect City... LOVE IT.

Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Eurovision semi final 1 recap

For the sake of your and my sanity, I'll focus mostly (only) on those dearly departed of our contestants. Otherwise I have nothing more to say about the final, and wouldn't that be a shame!

André Vermeulen, our Flemish Eurovision-god, has a new sidekick. A sidekick who wants to kick André out of the limelight and spends the whole time assuring us of his heterosexuality with sexist and lewd remarks. He has one for every country, so no-one should feel left out. "Look at the legs on that", "She's a bit of a tiger", "she looks like a porn actress". Peter Vandeveire, you are not funny. You are a stupid silly little boy and I wish you would just shut up.

We, on the other hand, have scoresheets handily provided with "straight points". The goal is, of course, that if you score a contestant with straight points (for example: faux heterosexual dance moves, suggestive winks, being in a rock band, shouting out "come on Azerbaijan"), you have to subtract those points from the total score you give that country. Speaks for itself.

Apparently we're in the Eastern most part of Europe. Because if Israel can be Europe, I suppose Azerbaijan can be too. Next up: Iran, China and why not, Australia! 

We start with the presenters introducing themselves. Thoroughly. I expect them to go on and include their hobbies, sleep habits, dreams for the future, strengths and weaknesses. But maybe they're saving that for Thursday's show. In case you're interested, one of the presenters, according to Peter, is the porn actress.

And tonight we say goodbye to:

- Montenegro: or as the wife said "can someone get their drunk uncle off stage, please". There are no redeeming factors to this song at all, or it would have to be the beginning where the singer is hiding under a cape. We shriek in horror as he throws the cape off. He looks drunk, pretty much unwashed and we love that when he yells "come on Azerbaijan" (straight point) no-one in the audience reacts. Good riddance.  

- Latvia: now I loved "Beautiful Song" on CD, but this stage presentation did it no favours whatsoever. Anmary and her friends look like cheap versions of "Desperate Housewives" and just walk about on stage for three minutes. Meh.

- Switzerland: we all sang along "sweem against the sweem" and that was pretty much it. Shaving patterns in your hair is so very nineties and the singer loses a massive amount of points with Eurovision Cardinal Sin Number One: "Thinking Eurovision Is A Rock Concert And You're Bono". Do these Swiss get no coaching whatsoever? Give me a call for next year. 

- Belgium: No shit? We're out?! How did that happen?! It's all politics! Everyone is against us! They all vote for their neighbours! It's because of the war! 

Oh, and the song is dull as dishwater. It could be that, of course. And someone please tie down the "hand", you know the one, the one that some singers (the Mariah Carey clones usually) use to Emphasise pointless Parts in the Lyrics. Urgh. Sorry Iris, you tried your best, but that song... ugh, that song.

- Finland: which I liked. Of course not a clue what she was singing about. The votes on the sofa were that it was about human rights in Azerbaijan, which explains the lack of wind machine she got. Oh lookie, she's got a cello! But a cello alone can't save her, unfortunately. 

- Israel: with Austin Powers singing lead. Yeah, it's nice on CD, but it didn't really go anywhere live, did it. And the whole sixties dance moves... well, you know, been there, done that. In the sixties. And a kiss between a man and a woman? What the hell? At Eurovision?! Still, it's obvious prozac is a big hit with Izabo, so I don't think they'll mind not qualifying all that much.

- San Marino who has the worst stylist ever. I mean, latex blue shiny pants? A loose shiny top? No no no no. The fact that she was even wearing clothes with a song like this was a big shock for me, but still... I said  beforehand "if one of her backings is carrying a computer, they don't deserve any points at all". And lo and behold... also, why someone was dressed as a doctor, someone else as a sailor... Costumes left over from the local drama club? You can tell she's screwed when The Sofa collectively starts looking for meaning or a hidden message in the lyrics. "Perhaps it's a critique of modern communication...", nah... it's just a crap song.

- Austria who were so beyond horrible that they should be thrown into an Azeri jail for the rest of Eurovision week. A lot of lewd remarks about the lyrics on The Sofa:  "Maybe it's a critique of how Azerbaijan treats homosexuality..." Or maybe it's just a moronic song.

We will be seeing more of:

- The fabulously beloved vampire show that is Iceland (Look! She has a violin!)

- Windmachine set to tornado offkey singing and random sirtaki-ing Greece

- "I don't get it, but she looks pretty intense, there's shouting and she's pretending to cry. I'll give this points and say it's quality, so everyone will think I know stuff about music" Albania

- Random windmachine, mega pyro summer hit Romania

- Totally won me over- Cyprus. Or as André puts it: "Cyprus is really just a smaller version of Greece". Yup. I'm sure the Turks will love hearing that.

- Catchy, though ridiculous cap-wearing (insert "should have know better"-joke here), Denmark

- The Russian grannies. Because, come on, who can resist the way they say "dance". And they bake cookies!

- Hungary. But who were they again??

- Ireland: for no reason whatsoever other than they came up last and did something with twin cybermen and a fountain. Bleh. 

Can't wait for tomorrow!

Latvia: Anmary – Beautiful Song

This song might actually be about Eurovision. Kudos for that! Now if they play the “cute” card and don’t take themselves too seriously, this should  actually make the final. The song is a bit bland but I’m sure my wife (I was going to type “girlfriend” while we’ve been married nearly three years... so wrong) will love this. It’s just enough this side of “girl with a guitar” for her. And... well, as I near the three minute mark I get the feeling I won’t get this song out of my head any time soon. Which is kinda the intention isn’t it.

Latvia: Musiqq - Angel in Disguise

And our third mention of angels for the evening. Don’t know about you, but I’ve had quite enough of them. Overrated white winged pests! For this one let me just quote the lyrics, they say more (more!) than enough: “Kill me with killa kiss / Kill me with tempting lips / Stare at me with candy eyes / Love me with luscious thighs”. That must be the first mention of “luscious thighs” in a Eurovision song contest! It makes a change from the fire/desire rhyme. And go them for bringing a rapper out of retirement. If it weren’t for Eurovision all the European rappers would be on the dole, so go Eurovision, for saving our social security! Oh, and sweetie, lay off the high note.

Latvia: Aisha – What for? (only Mr God knows why)

I’m sorry, “Mister God”? “Mister God”?? The title alone makes me hate this song, and the rest of it is not much better: a pouty, sulky blonde with big eyes staring solemnly in the camera. Argh. Let me just puke now and get it over with. “What for do people live until they die?” Dear (mister) god, if you existed, you wouldn’t allow this kind of crap to be a Eurovision entry. Since it *is* a Eurovision entry, any sane human being can only conclude that you don’t exist. Shouldn’t that be cause for disqualification?

Latvia – Intars Busulis – Probka

Intars Busulis... the name sounds like a disease, but let that not colour our judgement! Every year there’s always one suck up to the host country who brings their song in the native language and this year it’s Latvia. I thought Latvia didn’t particularly like Russia, but then, yes, that’s the spirit of Eurovision I suppose “Apparently you guys sung in English last year but the accent was so heavy we were convinced it was Russian, oops, our mistake”. If the Youtube translation is to be believed this is a song about a traffic jam. Brilliant. Basically a lot of guitars, shouting and noice. Ah well, it could have been worse, at least they didn’t send pirates this year.

Belarus and Latvia

Representing Belarus is Ruslan Alenho with Hasta La Vista. Ukraine debuted in Eurovision with that very same title back in 2003. Their act consisted of a rocket, a couple of ballerinas and mock rock-opera. If that isn’t promising, I don’t know what is. I don’t know why this seems to be such a common song title, Terminator must be pretty hot over in Belarus/Ukraine. Belarus has only been taking part in Eurovision since 2004 with the hilarious “My Galileo”. The fun lay mostly in trying to figure out what they were singing about (I actually quite liked it), the year after they sent the high camp (Baroque gay boys) of Angelica Agurbash and last year they sent a male Princess Diana lookalike with a Bond-esque song. This year it’s the perfect son-in-law singing a run of the mill song about a girl. The “live” videos I found all show him on his own standing on the stage. Er.. if that’s the performance they’ll be doing in Belgrade it’s not going to do much, he really doesn’t have the charisma to just stand there, sway a little and get votes. His official video however, was a better idea, because there we see Ruslan in the middle of an orgy/bal masqué practically having to fight off gorgeous women (why, did someone lace their drinks?). Bring the girls to Eurovision, Ruslan.



Latvia has quite a decent Eurovision trackrecord. They debuted with the charming group Brainstorm in 2000, have since won once (Marie N – I wanna – ESC 2002) and three years ago they sent the cutest display of innocent blond boys (and funniest simultaneous sign language) to date with Walters & Kaza ‘s “The War -or as they sang it “ the wur”- is not over”.
This year Latvia sends Pirates of the Sea (as opposed to Pirates “of the Air” or “of the land” I suppose) with Wolves of the sea. Unfortunately, when they say pirates they actually do mean pirates. This is a traditional Latvian er… pirate song and thankfully we find out that, despite whatever rumours to the contrary, pirates can do choreography. Fancy that. There’s even a lady pirate, and apparently Captain Hook started a new career as a Latvian pirate/singer. This song sounds like Aqua, but then on speed (remember Barbie Girl?) and examines the tough identity struggle pirates go through when they find out that “pirates are all they can be”. It can’t be easy being born with an eyepatch or a hook for a hand and realising that your future is determined for you. Philosophical food for thought, thanks to this Latvian entry. Thank you, Latvia.