On Conchita Wurst (oh, and the second Eurovision semi...)

When you hear "the woman with the beard" you immediately think "joke entry", don't you? 
I know I did. Or at least a gimmick.
I thought she would be singing an over the top up tempo song (which I would have loved) and -more importantly- that she wouldn't be able to carry a tune. But the feathers, sequins, wind machine and back up dancers would make up for that.
Right?

Wrong.

That girl can sing. 
If there's anything Conchita Wurst showed Europe (and me) it's that she's a singer with a good (oldfashioned) song who can sing better than anyone else on that stage tonight. 
And that the fact that she's a drag queen, with a beard, with whatever gender expression, is beside the point.

It's not about being a woman with a beard. It's about being a singer with a song. 
And that is a Very Big Thing.
 
/emo rant. 
(and if she doesn't place top ten on Saturday it will NOT be about her performance)

Oh yes, sorry, other things about tonight's show.
Were there any other things?

Well, it was "Forget Your Bra"-day at Eurovision today. 

We're saying goodbye to:
- Israel: who slightly underwhelmed me on stage. No matter how sexy Hebrew sounds.
- High As A Kite Georgia. "Why not bring a parachute onstage?" "alriiiiiight!"
- Lithuania: insert bad joke about not grabbing our attention
- Ireland By Numbers: been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and sent us a cheap knock-off. In a very ugly dress. Seriously. What was up with that dress??
- Macedonia: and more importantly Macedonia's Sister. Who looked very nice. Very nice indeed. I love a woman in a suit. Slightly less so if said suit is cut like a Sue Sylvester Tracksuit.

Thrilled to be seeing again:
- SWITZERLAND!!!
- AUSTRIA! 
Honestly? I would have burnt stuff down had these two not made it.
Loved Slovenia and the worst flute playback ever.

Party time with Greece and Romania (who impressed me, despite my reservations)
Norway was a bit droopy, but alright, based on the CD you get a second chance.
Finland? Er... alright then. 
Poland: see, I get that the song is catchy, but I cannot for the life of me look past the soft porn. I'm embarrassed, I just want them to cover up before they catch a cold. 

And Really Europe? Belarus? Really???

Eurovision 2014: Semi 2 preview

Now what's going on, Piglet, you might ask.  Where are the days of the one country per post with videos and links and bullet points and things? You seem to be taking things a little... well, easy...
I’m sorry. I really am. But life is what's going on.
Actual real life. Three boys under four, for one. A fulltime job, is another thing.
Interrupted sleep. Snotty noses. Lawns to be mowed. Fairs to be gone to. Zoos to be seen. Philosophical questions to be answered "But mummy, if an elephant stepped on a sea urchin, who would survive?". I have to show up for work most days and try and be productive. And in between all of that I'm trying to convert my boys to the magic of Eurovision.
The youngest is still in the reflexes-only stage, he just wants boobs (which Eurivision generally provides). The second loves dancing, so that's pretty much in the bag, if it weren't for all the ballads. The oldest gets annoyed that he doesn't understand what anyone is singing, since it's in English. Or something like English. So he requires some work still.
Though I've gotten him as far as to agree when I ask him if he likes the Pet Shop Boys. Ha! (upon hearing some of the songs, “But mummy, is that the Petshieboys again?”)
But on with the show.
 

 Malta: Firelight – Coming Home

Oh good god, world war I, is it?  I’m just about ready to destroy this song and the video, but then it’s this folky thing… obviously Malta wants to follow up on last year’s success with something uplifting and fun. Not sure about the bridge, but the rest of it is one foot tapping, leg jumbling, clap along melody of fabulousness. With poppies in the background. Douze points from Belgium I should think. And the Brits.

Israel: Mei Finegold – Same Heart

Song two and is it just me or is this semi turning out to be the best of the two, by far?  There’s a lot of eyeliner, boobs, no pants and a woman wielding a sword. In our house we call that “fun for the whole family!”. And yes, the traditional switch to Hebrew!! Oh, Israel, you seldom disappoint. Not exactly a song about unity and friendship and butterflies this one, but I *love* it. But I guess I’m not a unity-friendship-and-butterflies-girl.

Norway: Carl Espen – Silent Storm

Could other countries please try and lay off the heartfelt sweet ballads when that’s our angle? I mean, seriously, we’re fucked enough as it is (and not in a good way).
Yes, thank you Norway. That was lovely. Unfortunately.

Georgia: The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes to Earth

Folky Shit 2.0. I’m all for it, it’s in my job description, but this is a bit forgettable. Kudos for the absolutely weird video clip these people have thought up though. It’s like being high at a folk festival. An airplane, a concrete background, grass, fake snow, slowmo dance moves, at least they’re doing all they can to keep us interested.

Poland: Donatan and Cleo – My Slowianie- We are Slavic

Basically  the Polish version of “The Balkan Girls they like to party like to party like nobody” (yes, I remember that lyric, and no, that’s not because it was so good. Bloody annoying piece of crap). The video is so over the top, it’s basically soft porn. I can only hope that it was meant to be ironic: one big joke from Poland that the leaves the rest of Europe in shock and Poland laughing at us going “they think we’re serious with this crazy misogynistic stuff”. I hope. But then again, when confronted with a scary big guy in sunglasses and a baseball cap, you can never really be sure.

Austria: Conchita Wurst – Rise like a phoenix

If a contestant can get certain lawmakers in certain countries so hot and bothered that they’re proposing a ban of the contest because it promotes “sodomy”,  how can you not love her? And really, they’re worried about a drag queen with a beard (as if there haven’t been drag queens before) when they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the boob and ass-fest that was –hopefully ironic- Poland?! Go on, “promoting sodomy”, Conchita (looking gorgeous beneath the beard), though I’d be lying if I said I was crazy about your song (heard it one too many times before, usually in Bond Soundtracks) and I’m a bit nervous about you hitting those high notes live. But just for spooking the ignorant, you need to go to the final.

Lithuania : Vilja Matacuunaite - Attention 

If I have to read one more participant profile where people claim to have been “singing before they could talk” or “dancing before they could walk” I’m going to start throwing things. Really now? Really? No. You were drooling before you could talk and before you could walk you only managed to move forward on your butt, so stop lying and claiming otherwise, random contestants of singing/dancing competitions and –apparently- Eurovision!
I hope they’ve done some polishing because on the video the act and song just look messy and that’s really the most I can say about this. Nah. Meh. It doesn’t grab my (wait for it) .. attention.
(I’m so hilarious, it’s unbelievable)

Finland: Softengine – Something better

Finland brings us the nice, decent rock song of the evening. In our house that’s usually the toilet break. I don’t know about this. Stadium chants (and worse “clap along” moments) usually bomb in Eurovision, and this is coming from someone who still weeps over the fantastic “Mala Dama” and the way it sunk unnoticed to the bottom of the Eurovision Pool. You’ll have to do something to make it stand out in our minds and I’m not sure what that could be.

Ireland: Can-Linn (ft Kasey Smith) – Heartbeat

And after the nice, decent rock song, we have the nice decent pop song-with-folky-elements that is one kind of Eurovision By Numbers (one of the kinds I love. But then who am I kidding, there are few versions of Eurovision By Numbers that I dislike). Yay, Ireland.

Belarus: Teo – Cheesecake

Another contestant singing about cake? Has this turned into a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous?
For some reason this song really rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not just the sexist video (fast forward to 2.20 so you don’t have to listen to this crap), it’s everything. I really have no patience for this drivel. Hope you booked your return ticket for the Friday, Teo.

FYR Macedonia: Tijana – To the Sky

Ha! No economic crisis is going to stop you from taking part, is it, my dears?! Let’s say the video, shot in part in a some sort of fetish shed (where is this place one might ask?!), seems to be aimed at a certain demographic, the hot blonde with the haircut is aimed at another, and the song isn’t half bad. Gone are the days of sending a bleating sheep and still getting to the top 10, but they have a shot at the final with this one.

Switzerland: Sebalter – Hunter of Stars

This song makes me happy. I love it. I’d be happy with a win for Switzerland, or at the very least a great big summer hit. My blondest son is shaking his little bum at the song and asking me to dance, so I’m taking that as a good sign. (I don’t trust my eldest’s judgement (“Is that Pet Shop Boys again?”) he seemed to have a thing for Engelbert Humperdinck back in the day) .

Greece: Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd – Rise Up

Again, with the “featuring”. Is it too much to ask to be a part of the band you’re coming to Eurovision with?  You’ve got to love Greece though, crisis or no crisis, here they are. Thankfully they’ve got their priorities straight. And I like this little silly song. It’s simple, it’s pop, it’s danceable. It should qualify and do well. Oh crap. I’ve just typed this and the rap comes on. People of Eurovision, rap in dance songs (in this format anyway) hasn’t been done well since the 90s. And even then it was questionable. Why must we repeat this year after year after bloody year? It adds nothing to the song, even though, yes, I’m very glad you’ve left Stereo Mike at home this year. Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd… who thinks up these names? #oldwomanalert

Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac – Round and round

Like a record baby, round, round, round, round! No? Oh no… it’s a ballad. Or no, it’s not. Well, whatever it is, it *is* bilingual. I love me some bilingualism at Eurovision. The video features Drumming in Extreme Circumstances, a woman in a suit and something arty. That’s good enough for me.

Romania: Paula Seling &OVI – Miracle

Ovi, the man who’s so great you have to write his name using CAPITAL LETTERS only. And the prize for crappy badly sung duet of the evening goes to Romania. Congratulations, Paula!

(and thank the flying spaghetti monster for not putting Belgium in *this* semi)

Greece: Eleftheria Eleftheriou – Aphrodisiac

You were probably wondering how long it would take until we reached our first crappy generic-pop-song-singing sluttily dressed singer of the evening. Well, the wait is over!

And because this is Greece we get their yearly sirtaki-backtrack thrown in for free. Thank you, Greece. Yawn.

Greece: Loucas Yiorkas ft. Stereo Mike- Watch my dance

“Watch my dance”. I’m sorry. What? “No Sakis?” The wife pouts. No Sakis, sweetie. But Stereo Mike! (Seriously? Stereo Mike?) For some reason they dug up a rapper, probably because they feared their Eurovision entries would otherwise be forever remembered being too gay. Yay for the Sirtaki tweedleedeedees, yay for the threatening atmosphere and yay for the guy belting out the song. Shame about Stereo Mike.

Greece: George Alkaeos & Friends – Opa

µ

Greece certainly knows how to cater to the Eurovision audience. Sakis Rouvas is busy this year? Ok, we’ll send a bunch of men in leather vests for an energetic dance routine, with a pretty crappy song, but who cares... Men! Black leather! I hope this makes it to the final. What can I say, I’m shallow that way. And I want to give my friends something to look forward to after having to sit through Shiny BalkanBoy’s teeth.

Greece - Sakis Rouvas – This is our night

Oh Sakis, you of the ingeniously tight shirt, you of the I-can’t-sing-but-I-can-shake-and-that’s-good-enough-for-a-third-place, you of the flirting with Paul De Leeuw: Welcome Back!!! “If that mullet can come back a second time and win, I’m in for a shot” you must have thought (well you and Carola, Charlotte Nilsson, Chiara, … it doesn’t always turn out so well really, but let’s not dwell on that!). But oh how we’ve missed you. And I’m so pleased you bring us another gay dance stomper, we really can’t have enough of those at Eurovision. Be sure to bring some dancers, to perhaps even take off your shirt and don’t forget the wind machine (perhaps you can borrow Azerbaijan’s). Perhaps you can do this great dance with dancers in a lit up closet who do some kind of nodding/tic routine? No? Well, think about it. Sakis, you’re fantastically trashy, don’t ever change.

Romania, Russia and Greece

Romania brings us Nico & Vlad (how’s that for a Romanian name!) with Pe-o Margine De Lume. I generally have a soft spot for Romanian entries since they often consist of the crazy Eurodisco you only hear in… well, Romania probably. Say for instance Nicola in 2003 whose accent was so heavy that I honestly thought she sang “did you ever know what’s the prince ass for”. Ok, so it didn’t make sense, but Eurovision has had weirder lyrics than that (According to teh internetss she actually sang “what good friends are for”. And just check out that choreography). Last year Romania sent a group called Todomondo who sang in six languages (Eurovision recipe for success) and whose members looked like stereotypes of the countries they represented (English guy in a bowler hat, Italian guy looking like a mafia leader…). Eurovision is always classy and subtle, isn’t it. This year they're sending a ballad, a very classical duet between a broody looking man (think Angel with a tan), a lady in a ballgown, a white piano and the sluttiest backing singers yet. What the hell are those girls up to back there? The video is funny for the total lack of chemistry between the two lead singers. Vlad looks like he hasn’t got a clue what to do with all these women and would have preferred being on stage alone. I can’t say I blame him.


Russia brings us the reappearance of Dima Bilan, Russian heart-throb and runner-up in 2006. Oh, 2006… what a glorious performance that was. Dima sang “Never ever let you go” with a heavy Russian accent, in jeans, trainers and white tank top. (Can you use the word “tank top” for men? I’m Belgian, I don’t know these things… whatever you want to call it, it was hot. Shame about the mullet, but you can’t have everything, can you). At one point a dead ballerina crawled out of the piano –a piano that no-one was playing- and started throwing rose petals about. Weird, but for some reason it worked. Check out the youtube clip. Unfortunately, this year Dima is singing Believe, a rather boring ballad –in my opinion at least- but his performance makes up for a lot. Sadly he’s wearing a suit this time (honey, show off those arms), he’s grown hair on his face (tsk) but at least the mullet is gone. His accent still is the cutest, especially when he sings words like “impossible”. He’s a superstar in the ex-USSR so he should definitely make it to the final.


And the last country in the first semi-final is Greece. Oh lookie here, they’ve sent Helena Paparizou again! And they’ve even given her dancers a chance to take part again as well! Or not? The differences are minimal. Greece has a recent reputation for catering to the gay audience and this year is no exception. Helena Paparizou was a good example, and so was 2004s Sakis Rouvas with the intelligently titled song “Shake it”. Check out the clip if only for the incredible design of that shirt he’s wearing: just tight and short enough to show off both pecs and abs, and a fabulous example of a classic Eurovision clothes change. (And while we're at it, have a look at the Dutch votes in 2006 when Sakis was presenting the contest and Paul De Leeuw decided to flirt with him).
This year Kalomira sings Secret Combination, a typical pop song with some Greek elements (think a slow Sirtaki). She’s wearing an impossibly short skirt (granted, she’s got the legs for it) and her dancers have stolen Dima Bilan’s 2006 outfit. The lyrics of this song are about as dirty/innocent as the ones of “Genie in a bottle” ("My secret comination is a mystery for you, use your imagination, I’m not easy but I’m true”) but all is forgiven because the dancers take off their shirts at the end of the song and spell out the word “LOVE” on their chests.



And that's it for our first Semi-Final, airing on May 20th. Don't worry though (or no time to rejoice yet, depending on your point of view), we've still got a second Semi-final and five finalists to go.
Next up: the übergaying of Eurovision in the beginning of the second Semi-Final.