Eurovision 2016: the semis

I've got a new tactic, it seems.
Not listen to anything (or a lot) beforehand and letting myself be surprised.
It's been my tactic for two years now, though not out of choice, mainly necessity. Or priorities. But it's nice. It's actually nice not to know what's coming, kind of like the rest of the world!
I loved being surprised by Israel's Golden Boy last year. The surprise still makes me happy this year.
And then this year... let's say I was surprised at some of the results.

Seriously, Europe, seriously?

Not letting Greta Salome through with the gloriously haunting "hear them calling" is nothing more or less than a crime against humanity.
How could you?

yes, it might have reminded you of Heroes, but who cares. It didn't stop you from letting "You are the only one" through, did it. 

And then my other gem. My precious: San Marino's Serhat!
How glorious was that?! The suit! The silver-clad ladies! The 80s throwback. Instant Eurovision classic!

But no love for San Marino... now I know I might never be considered the "norm" but honestly!
Have some Serhat. Relive the madness, the gloriousness, the fabulousness that you just didn't appreciate. Shame on you. 

And then my kids' favourite: the man with the wolves.
Now when I say "favourite" this should be taken with a grain of salt. None of the three seem to have inherited the Eurovision gene. We don't understand how this is possible, it must be a statistical anomaly. Perhaps when they're older and they see Eurovision as the key to a night staying up late and eating crisps in front of the telly, the love will grow. (of course that's not blackmail). Any time we try to show them some Eurovision the oldest starts rolling his eyes, and -with him being the oldest and therefor the key example to his brothers- the other two agree with him. Eurovision, apparently, is for girls.
Ha.
He's obviously never taken a close look at the audience.
There's one exception though: "The man with the wolves".
I actually like the song. I do. The boys like wolves. "But why is the wolf sitting there? And why is that man naked? Why is he dressed now? Why is there a baby? Why do you say he's a cylon?"
Hush, child, it's Eurovision, just go with it. 

I would have loved to see Ivan again at the final. If only because my kids can't believe someone with wolves can actually lose a contest.
He had wolves! 
(though perhaps Mans Zemerlow and *his* wolf were a tad more appealing)

I have a weakspot for the Balkan Ballad, everyone knows that. I also have a weak spot for Deen. Everyone also knows that. Oh my little twink of the balkans, shaking his ass to in the disco.
I could write sonnets for him.
Now the little twink is all grown up, lost his hair, grew a beard and acted butch.
And that's all good and well, even if the barb wire imagery is a bit OTT for me. But a rapper? Really? They couldn't have left him in Bosnia&Herzegovina? 

For me those are the ones that were left behind in the semis.
I'd have gladly traded them for say Malta, Georgia (honestly!) or Serbia.
 

Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Eurovision semi final 1 recap

For the sake of your and my sanity, I'll focus mostly (only) on those dearly departed of our contestants. Otherwise I have nothing more to say about the final, and wouldn't that be a shame!

André Vermeulen, our Flemish Eurovision-god, has a new sidekick. A sidekick who wants to kick André out of the limelight and spends the whole time assuring us of his heterosexuality with sexist and lewd remarks. He has one for every country, so no-one should feel left out. "Look at the legs on that", "She's a bit of a tiger", "she looks like a porn actress". Peter Vandeveire, you are not funny. You are a stupid silly little boy and I wish you would just shut up.

We, on the other hand, have scoresheets handily provided with "straight points". The goal is, of course, that if you score a contestant with straight points (for example: faux heterosexual dance moves, suggestive winks, being in a rock band, shouting out "come on Azerbaijan"), you have to subtract those points from the total score you give that country. Speaks for itself.

Apparently we're in the Eastern most part of Europe. Because if Israel can be Europe, I suppose Azerbaijan can be too. Next up: Iran, China and why not, Australia! 

We start with the presenters introducing themselves. Thoroughly. I expect them to go on and include their hobbies, sleep habits, dreams for the future, strengths and weaknesses. But maybe they're saving that for Thursday's show. In case you're interested, one of the presenters, according to Peter, is the porn actress.

And tonight we say goodbye to:

- Montenegro: or as the wife said "can someone get their drunk uncle off stage, please". There are no redeeming factors to this song at all, or it would have to be the beginning where the singer is hiding under a cape. We shriek in horror as he throws the cape off. He looks drunk, pretty much unwashed and we love that when he yells "come on Azerbaijan" (straight point) no-one in the audience reacts. Good riddance.  

- Latvia: now I loved "Beautiful Song" on CD, but this stage presentation did it no favours whatsoever. Anmary and her friends look like cheap versions of "Desperate Housewives" and just walk about on stage for three minutes. Meh.

- Switzerland: we all sang along "sweem against the sweem" and that was pretty much it. Shaving patterns in your hair is so very nineties and the singer loses a massive amount of points with Eurovision Cardinal Sin Number One: "Thinking Eurovision Is A Rock Concert And You're Bono". Do these Swiss get no coaching whatsoever? Give me a call for next year. 

- Belgium: No shit? We're out?! How did that happen?! It's all politics! Everyone is against us! They all vote for their neighbours! It's because of the war! 

Oh, and the song is dull as dishwater. It could be that, of course. And someone please tie down the "hand", you know the one, the one that some singers (the Mariah Carey clones usually) use to Emphasise pointless Parts in the Lyrics. Urgh. Sorry Iris, you tried your best, but that song... ugh, that song.

- Finland: which I liked. Of course not a clue what she was singing about. The votes on the sofa were that it was about human rights in Azerbaijan, which explains the lack of wind machine she got. Oh lookie, she's got a cello! But a cello alone can't save her, unfortunately. 

- Israel: with Austin Powers singing lead. Yeah, it's nice on CD, but it didn't really go anywhere live, did it. And the whole sixties dance moves... well, you know, been there, done that. In the sixties. And a kiss between a man and a woman? What the hell? At Eurovision?! Still, it's obvious prozac is a big hit with Izabo, so I don't think they'll mind not qualifying all that much.

- San Marino who has the worst stylist ever. I mean, latex blue shiny pants? A loose shiny top? No no no no. The fact that she was even wearing clothes with a song like this was a big shock for me, but still... I said  beforehand "if one of her backings is carrying a computer, they don't deserve any points at all". And lo and behold... also, why someone was dressed as a doctor, someone else as a sailor... Costumes left over from the local drama club? You can tell she's screwed when The Sofa collectively starts looking for meaning or a hidden message in the lyrics. "Perhaps it's a critique of modern communication...", nah... it's just a crap song.

- Austria who were so beyond horrible that they should be thrown into an Azeri jail for the rest of Eurovision week. A lot of lewd remarks about the lyrics on The Sofa:  "Maybe it's a critique of how Azerbaijan treats homosexuality..." Or maybe it's just a moronic song.

We will be seeing more of:

- The fabulously beloved vampire show that is Iceland (Look! She has a violin!)

- Windmachine set to tornado offkey singing and random sirtaki-ing Greece

- "I don't get it, but she looks pretty intense, there's shouting and she's pretending to cry. I'll give this points and say it's quality, so everyone will think I know stuff about music" Albania

- Random windmachine, mega pyro summer hit Romania

- Totally won me over- Cyprus. Or as André puts it: "Cyprus is really just a smaller version of Greece". Yup. I'm sure the Turks will love hearing that.

- Catchy, though ridiculous cap-wearing (insert "should have know better"-joke here), Denmark

- The Russian grannies. Because, come on, who can resist the way they say "dance". And they bake cookies!

- Hungary. But who were they again??

- Ireland: for no reason whatsoever other than they came up last and did something with twin cybermen and a fountain. Bleh. 

Can't wait for tomorrow!

San Marino: Valentina Monetta – The Social Network Song (Oh Oh – Uh – Oh Oh)

Well that title doesn’t promise much, now does it? And the rest isn’t much better. No, I don’t think there’s anything that can save this song. Not even a deus ex machina appearance of that Swedish guy from last year.  “Do you wanna be more than just a friend / Do you wanna play cyber sex again / If you wanna come to my house / Then click me with your mouse”. Throw her in the dungeon, please!

San Marino: Senit - Stand by

San Marino? Seriously? How can I mock Andorra when San Marino is taking part? What’s next, Brussels taking part on its own?! Though I shouldn’t joke about that, it might happen sooner than I think. Anyway. Thanks for joining the fun, San Marino, and I’m sure it’s utterly beautiful for a Disney Ballad. But yeah... come again next year. And bring gay boys. And feathers.

Moldova, San Marino and Belgium

Fourth in line in our first semi-final is Moldova. They’re sending Geta Burlacu with A Century Of Love. Moldova tried to send a quality jazzy song, which is -to me- boring as hell, and not just for this review. Lucky for all of us, the song is styled to death. Judging by their outfits (or is it just me?) Geta and her friends seem to think they’re stereotypical Parisiens. An expression of Moldovan identity if ever I’ve seen one! I haven’t got a clue why most of her mates are on stage with her, since they don’t appear to be doing much. One of them seems to be rolling up a boll of yarn, probably to make Geta another one of her pretty hats, another is forever blowing bubbles and yet another one –in scarf and baret to fight off the cold in the studio- pretends to play the trumpet. And just when you thought it was getting weird, in come the ballet dancers. Fabulous stuff.



San Marino is taking part for the first time and they’re sending a rockband! Wahey! Well, a rockband in Eurovision standards anyway. Miodio sing “Complice”, yet another ballad, but with an edge. Again, in Eurovision terms. It’s haunting, or at least it tries to be, and it’s also so devoid of anything funny that there’s not much I can say about it. So I’ll keep myself happy with comparing how different the band looks in their hunky boyband-style promo photo as opposed to in their official video.



On to the masterpiece of the contest: Belgium sends Ishtar with “O Julissi” My home country, so don’t expect anything objective from me. It’s fantastic! It deserves to win! There. Moving on….
Belgium consistently ends in the lower half of the scoreboard -mostly totally justified- but sometimes we're quite frankly robbed. Be sure to check out this clip: Nicole & Hugo reaching last place with “Baby Baby” back in 1973. Or how about Telex (the ones of Moskow Diskow) who took part in 1981 with the hilarious Euro-vision?! If those songs were to take part these days, they’d definitely make the top 10, no doubt about it.
The two regions of Belgium, Wallony and Flanders, take turns choosing a candidate for the contest. Traditionally, the Walloons are a lot better at it than the Flemish, though that’s not saying much. The Walloons have been known to send the occasional French Chanson and they’ve produced the only ever win for Belgium (Sandra Kim “J’aime La Vie” – ESC 1986). And what do the Flemish traditionally send? Ah, Europop (Xandee ESC 2004), Swedish Europop (Kate Ryan ESC 2006), or an epic song about peace with electric guitar-mock guns sung by a Flemish gay icon (Liliane St Pierre ESC 1987). Do the Flemish ever do well? Er... not in the past twenty years they don't. And why not? Because the Balkan is better at drumming, the Swedes are better at Swedish Europop and we were 20 years too early for air-guitar-guns. So this year, Flanders went for a different style. After Belgium's last decent result (Urban Trad: 2nd place in 2003, a Walloon entry), we're trying to repeat that performance by sending something er...exactly the same in the same line:a folky song in a made up language (as if we don't have enough languages already in Belgium: three for 10 million people). Will it pay off? That's the question. I just heard that the lead singer will not be wearing her red boots in Belgrade, so I think we’re pretty much doomed (now if only she’d learn how to keep her head still while singing, I might be a tad more positive).