Thoughts on Eurovision 2014

I’ve always believed Eurovision was a good thing for gay rights in Europe. A good thing because, if you want to take part, you have to show the whole contest. You can’t censor anything, not even the blatant homosexual innuendos or .. well, blatant homosexuals and their rainbow flags. And when there’s a law against “homosexual propaganda” in Russia, the fact that they have to show Eurovision makes me pretty happy. After all, it doesn’t get more “homosexual propaganda” than Eurovision!

I find myself wanting to be careful not to draw too many optimistic conclusions about Conchita Wurst (and Austria) winning, but then it’s hard not to. 

 While I think Sweden’s song was better, Austria’s performance knocked it out of the park. She made that song THE number one song. The song to beat. And if she’d been a woman or perhaps even a drag queen without a beard (meaning you can “forget” there’s a man underneath the wig and the dress and the boobies) I would have been a lot more confident that she’d win it. But she wasn’t. Here was someone who’s obviously not a woman, who’s obviously a bit queer, winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

And people from countries where GLTBQ people have little or no rights, voted for her.  The juries didn’t always, but the televoters did. Less so than in western Europe, but still, they did vote for her.
Fuck you, backwards lawmakers.
You’ve been given the finger by your own people.

But of course Eurovision isn’t political….  Still, I can’t help but hope that for GLBTQ people in countries where the lawmakers (and perhaps popular opinion) still haven’t gotten their heads out of their collective arses, this win can mean something.  Whether it’s showing them they’ve got our support, they’re not alone (ooh! Armenia!), or that eventually, things get better everywhere, I don’t know. But I hope so. 

And I can’t help but think especially of GLBTQ people in Russia. The booing was over the top. It was unnecessary and it was rude. If I were Russia I would have told Europe  to stuff it and gone back home. The booing was not against the Russian people, it was against their leader.
Still, as I said, it was rude and it was not the place to do that. Rainbow flags yes, booing no. After all, it’s not the Russian people who are narrowminded idiots, it’s Putin. There’s a difference. 

And then there’s the other results. 

- It seems to me like you need a lot of luck in the running order, when you’re sending a “good, but not winning” song. No, the UK, Europe (“the rest of”) doesn’t hate you.  I just don’t think the last spot is such a coveted spot anymore (Ireland last year?), the contest just takes too long. If they cut down on the number of songs in the final, then yeah, maybe. But for now I think people have overdosed on the number of feathers, wind machine, glitter and craziness by the time we reach song number 26. I honestly think had you switched Spain and the UK’s running order, the result would have been switched as well. 

-Long live the jury/televote split! While you can still predict the 12s in certain countries, at least you can’t predict the top 10 anymore. 

- Had France been in the Balkan they would not have been last. It seems like being part of a voting bloc doesn’t so much make the difference between winning or losing, but when you send an average song it means the difference between a meagre two points or at least 9 or 32 points.

- And for my own country, Belgium must have been in a state of collective hysteria when selecting “Mother” as our entry. What happened? We were all so sure it was going to do well. Yes, I knew it was overly sentimental and bombastic, but I’ve never seen the fault in that, personally, it’s my thing! So what was it? Was it just the least bad song in a bad selection to choose from? Was it the fact that we got collective goose bumps when Axel Hirsoux sang in the preselections?  (he sang a lot better in the Belgian selection than in the semi) Or did we underestimate the creep-factor in singing about your mother? Any insight would be welcome.

 

On Conchita Wurst (oh, and the second Eurovision semi...)

When you hear "the woman with the beard" you immediately think "joke entry", don't you? 
I know I did. Or at least a gimmick.
I thought she would be singing an over the top up tempo song (which I would have loved) and -more importantly- that she wouldn't be able to carry a tune. But the feathers, sequins, wind machine and back up dancers would make up for that.
Right?

Wrong.

That girl can sing. 
If there's anything Conchita Wurst showed Europe (and me) it's that she's a singer with a good (oldfashioned) song who can sing better than anyone else on that stage tonight. 
And that the fact that she's a drag queen, with a beard, with whatever gender expression, is beside the point.

It's not about being a woman with a beard. It's about being a singer with a song. 
And that is a Very Big Thing.
 
/emo rant. 
(and if she doesn't place top ten on Saturday it will NOT be about her performance)

Oh yes, sorry, other things about tonight's show.
Were there any other things?

Well, it was "Forget Your Bra"-day at Eurovision today. 

We're saying goodbye to:
- Israel: who slightly underwhelmed me on stage. No matter how sexy Hebrew sounds.
- High As A Kite Georgia. "Why not bring a parachute onstage?" "alriiiiiight!"
- Lithuania: insert bad joke about not grabbing our attention
- Ireland By Numbers: been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and sent us a cheap knock-off. In a very ugly dress. Seriously. What was up with that dress??
- Macedonia: and more importantly Macedonia's Sister. Who looked very nice. Very nice indeed. I love a woman in a suit. Slightly less so if said suit is cut like a Sue Sylvester Tracksuit.

Thrilled to be seeing again:
- SWITZERLAND!!!
- AUSTRIA! 
Honestly? I would have burnt stuff down had these two not made it.
Loved Slovenia and the worst flute playback ever.

Party time with Greece and Romania (who impressed me, despite my reservations)
Norway was a bit droopy, but alright, based on the CD you get a second chance.
Finland? Er... alright then. 
Poland: see, I get that the song is catchy, but I cannot for the life of me look past the soft porn. I'm embarrassed, I just want them to cover up before they catch a cold. 

And Really Europe? Belarus? Really???

Eurovision Semi 1: results

What. The. Fuck. Europe?
What the fuck?
Seriously?
SAN FUCKING MARINO???
It's the worst song she's ever brought, and that's saying a lot. Bunch of sentimental queens voting for the Loveboat...

Ahem.
Sorry.

I cry bitter tears.
No matter your feelings on a song, on how bad or over the top or sentimental of shmalzy it is, you just want to see your country in the final. It's just so much more fun that way.
Alas. It was not to be. I'll get over it. Somehow.

We're never sending a Walloon to Eurovision again. They're barred from now on! 

So... who did we say goodbye to tonight?

-US, Belgium!!!! Poor Axel Hirsoux, he must have been crying his eyes out. I really feel for the guy. No worries, I don't blame you. I just blame Europe and their lack of respect for THEIR MOTHERS. And for the proper Bombastic Ballad that makes Eurovision Great. Shame on you, Europe. Shame on you! 
- The stoned Latvians who forgot to comb their hair. Brainstorm 2.0. Or as the Wife said "well, as long as they're happy, just let them be..."
- The Whitest Of Them All: Estonia, with her backing singers so far away on the edge of the stage I hope they don't suffer from acrophobia. 
-  Albania who sent Shakira with a song that went nowhere slowly, including a guitarist wearing a turtleneck. A turtleneck???  Who wears turtlenecks at Eurovision? (Capital Rule: "No Guitars At Eurovision" can now be said to include "No Turtlenecks At Eurovision")
- Moldova with a cross between Game of Thrones, a prom dress gone bad and a hairdo-change. Yes. A hairdo-change. A bad one. 
- and Portugal who sang off key but what a catchy silly stupid thing that was. Flags! Wind machine! Football Chants! "If it worked for France in 2010...." No, France was good honey, that's the difference.

And that's it.
All the others are going through, including the song about domestic abuse from Hungary (seriously? It's making me uncomfortable just listening to it in a Eurovision setting and I work in childcare!), those twins who got booed for their country's politics, that boring song about starting a fire, the boring (yet good) Dutch, the guy in the hamster wheel ("Free me! Free me!"), San Fucking Marino (I know they've been passed over in the past, but this year they deserved to be!), Zeljko... oh... no that wasn't Zeljko... hm... looked like him, the Armenian dubstep explosion, fabulous Iceland, and "THIS is how it's done, peasants, watch and learn" Sweden.
 
Which means we must have really really really sucked....
I might need a few days to recover. Thankfully there's another semi the day after tomorrow. 
If Switzerland don't make it then, I might just set fire to something....

On a related note: Denmark, you are fantastic.
All the inclusive GLBTQ tolerance, the filming of the rainbow flag after Russia's performance, the pisstake on the Perfect City... LOVE IT.

Eurovision 2013: THE FINAL

Before I begin my yearly rant, can I just say how thrilled I was at this show and the organisation? At what the Swedes pulled off? The humour, the in-jokes, the many references to the GLBTQHowManyMoreLetters community? Fabulously done if you ask me. For me, the Swedes can win every single year. Alas… it was not to be. But at least we’re not going to Baku again!

Trends this year? Eyebrows, leather, crotch dances and going up up-up-up-up- u-up!

On with the show… are we watching the Gay Olympics? Nope, Eurovision. Now with flags and a parade. Bit too nationalistic for my tastes (yes, I see the irony in that statement, thank you).

France is used by the Swedes to check if the zoom function on their camera still works. And lo and behold, it does. France seems pretty pissed off about… everything. Would you lighten up please, you’re scaring me. Things are not that bad, take it from me.  Well, unless you count your 23^rd place. That *is* pretty bad.

Then we come to Lithuania who does what shall since 2004 be known as “The Sakis”: wearing a white t-shirt that’s a tad too small so that your midriff shows when you move. Lithuania’s singer does it even more unsubtly than Sakis did, and that’s saying something. Mainly there’s a lot of mumbling about shoes, but I don’t even mind this song that much.  -22^nd

Moldova’s dress is a fantastic find. If Carola were taking part next year I’m pretty sure she’d be wearing that dress. See how it withstands a tornado. Gorgeous dress, nice song. And still only as many points as… Belgium. How did that happen? -11^th

Hearing it for the second time, Finland has actually grown on me, in the sense that I no longer want to chuck things at the TV in frustration. The wife is pretty skeptical about “girls kissing each other for the enjoyment of the three straight men watching” vs “a statement for marriage equality” but who knows… whatever the reasoning, anything that gets people talking about marriage equality is fine by me. -24^th (oh noes, did the homophobes win? Or was it a plot of the Lesbian Blogger Community who demand real representation… or was the song just this side of crappy?)

Spain: I have no idea how that song went. Honestly, I can’t remember it. I’ve written down “Bambi” “Pocahontas” and something about the sacrilege of not one, but three guitarists on a Eurovision stage. But I don’t remember the song at all. Says enough I suppose. -25^th

Yay, it’s us, in it to win it! To everyone’s surprise the song gets applause when it starts. Why? Will it get applause afterwards as well, we wonder. Belgium’s backing dancers are suffering from stomach cramps  and Roberto’s eyebrows have their very own choreography.  He seemed pretty chuffed when the song was over though and all of the sudden the entire Sofa becomes motherly towards him and wants to pinch his cheeks. Belgium’s Eurovision flagwaving fan is a butch looking skinhead. Oh my! -12^th can you bloody believe it?? I can’t. 

We have now found out Estonia is pregnant and that’s why she’s wearing a curtain. We start debating how far along she is. Was she singing? Oh… -20^th

“Hot Mess! Hot mess!” Belarus seems to sing at the end of her song. And boy is it. She looks terrified on that stage… we don’t want to know what the President will do when this tanks. -16^th. 

“Malta is just too nice for Eurovision” The Sofa proclaims. And he is. He’s so nice he runs around the arena touching all the gays. In Belgium Bart Peeters can be heard throwing things against the wall. His lookalike just got 8^th place. Go cheerful little chappie from Malta. Stay away from France, she’s probably going to claw your eyes out for smiling in her direction. 

Barbara Dex’ stylist (that would be Barbara Dex herself) found a new job dressing Russia in salmon pink and grey. The most boring colours ever, befitting this boring, yet well written and well sung song. Throwing balls in an audience full of gays just seems cruel, give the traumas many of them must have from dodgeball or PE classes in general. The Wife grumbles that all the gays were enjoying the dark room, minding their own business, and all of a sudden the Russian throw lit up balls at them. Wars have been started for less than that! But by the way the Russians are hugging each other on stage you’d think they’re ending the cold war.  -5^th

 

The best part about Germany is the stairs. By far. And the fact that she just stands on them (stairs on top of the stage, yes), for 2 minutes and a half, before coming down and running about on stage. “They’re showing their superiority complex” The Sofa proclaims before starting a discussion about the Von Trapp family (“trap” is “stairs” in Dutch). For once and for all, no, the von Trapps were not Nazis, they were on the run from them. Sheesh. Basic history! -21^st

Armenia has more eyebrows than moustache. And that’s the most interesting thing about this entry. Minus points for bad use of the wind machine (I know, how can you use it badly… they managed it!). The Sofa feels bad about giving them null points “I think they deserve something for the effort. They did make the trip over and learn those lyrics”… 1 point it is then -18^th

 

^{And then there’s the interval and once again Lynda Woodruff and the Swedes rule. “You just haven’t met the right girl yet” Petra Mede tells the gays in the audience. Eat that, Baku. Eat that, homophobic regimes all around the east of Europe. Eurovision has your back, gays.} 

^{As Belgians we automatically have to hate everything the Netherlands sends to Eurovision. it’s in our genes, we can’t help it, we have to be competitive towards each other, it’s what we’re born with. So the Sofa grumbles about “Dutch arrogance” and Anouk smiling when she sings something about death and destruction (and sheesh, honey! It’s Eurovision!) but yeah, I kinda like the song anyway. – 9th}

^{Kudos to Romania’s Vlad the Impaled! Really, quite impressive singing. But then there’s also the trainwreck of an act happening underneath him and how I love it. “Growing Dresses”, it’s got to become a trend in real life if you ask me. The singing is so impressive I can’t believe I didn’t even notice the naked gay wrestling happening next to him in the semis. Naked! Gay! Wrestling! Dude! -13th} 

^{The UK must have thought a flight of stairs would be too risky (plus they probably didn’t trust Germany not to sabotage theirs) given Bonnie’s apparent inebriation. Bonnie, sweetie, either you’ve been inhaling botox instead of injecting it, or you must have been drunk. Lord Voldemort has more facial expressions than Bonnie does these days. Well, at least she made the final. “Isn’t that a bit under the tone” the Sofa wonders. This is Bonnie Tyler, ladies and gentlemen, she didn’t start singing in the wrong key, it’s the backing track that’s wrong! -19th.} 

^{I love Sweden, I do. And I’m not just saying that because I wish they’d organize it every year. I love this song. I love the poppyness of it, there’s just not enough of that this year. It’s all ballads and “Pseudo-quality” and other nonsense. Where’s the fabulous campy pop tune? Here it is. Loved it. If only they’d worn something other than their pajamas. -14th}

^{Hungary’s not bad. Bit too pseudo-cool straight boy for my tastes, but not bad. The instruments almost looked live. -10th}

^{Ah yes, Denmark. The Bosnian drummers from years past found a new job and this girl could just cycle over to the arena (there’s a bridge you see. You probably didn’t notice but there’s a bridge between Malmö and Copenhagen… they don’t like to broadcast it, those Swedes). What I like most about Denmark winning is my prediction that my wife was going to go absolutely berserk about this song. All the elements for her little dykie heart: wood nymphs, flutes, drums, folky shit, big innocent bambie eyes. It’s right up her alley. And I’m glad they won, because my wife gets vindictive when her favourites don’t win. You should have seen her during the first half of the voting when it looked like Azerbaijan or the Ukraine might win. She was ready to start a rampage! My marriage thanks you, Europe. But yes, Denmark. On the one hand it’s very cliché Eurovision-by-numbers (reminds me of Alexandr Rybak in that respect), on the other hand it’s also… good. Well done, well produced, well sung (also very Rybak) .And whilst I begrudged Rybak winning because I preferred the more campy pop tunes that year (Sakis!), there really were none this year, so I’m happy with this. I’m thrilled we’re staying in gay friendly waters (petty I know…) and for me this song stood out in a rather boring year. So go Denmark! – Winner!} 

^{A man singing about his wife and kids and how much he loves them in a language you can’t understand a word of. I love Iceland. I usually do, and I do this year again. “If this were a singing contest, this man would do very well indeed” Graham Norton stated. And if Graham says it…. And me, I’m still convinced he’s the Icelandic Brad Pitt. But that could just be me. -17th.} 

^{My little queer mind reads Azerbaijan’s Jack In A Box-act as a man struggling with this sexuality and having to choose a woman because it’s just not-done otherwise. I’m pretty sure that’s not what it’s about, but allow me the fantasy would you. “At least one of them is staying in the closet” The Sofa quips. “He looks tortured” we worry, but then you try being gay in Azerbaijan. With all these performers finding stuff to stand on on stage (stairs, a new podium, their own volcano), Copenhagen might want to invest in a stage with different levels. Glad to be of help, Copenhagen. -2nd}

^{“Ah, Greece, the birthplace of western civilization”… that’s really all we have to say about “Alcohol is Free”. -6th}

^{The Ukraine has enough Lion King in it to please me. And that dress doesn’t harm it either. -3rd}

^{“Eurovision is returning to its core: well sung and well written songs” André tells us, rather blasé. Way to suck the fun out of it, André. The core of Eurovision is: wind machine, key changes, camp and yes, well sung songs. You’re clearly out of the loop! So I guess Italy was good. It bored the hell out of me (and that’s saying something, as I’m known to adore the Bombastic Balkan Ballad in general), but I guess I’m just not the “core audience” of Eurovision then. “He’s wearing a suit”, the sofa points out. That he is. A nice one at that. -7th}

^{There’s nothing to say about Norway that hasn’t been said before. It stands out. It’s reasonably creepy. It could be a hit song. I’m sure André hates it. -4th}

^{Oh Georgia, now that we’re all numb after 24 songs and an evening of Eurovision The Sofa’s quieted down a bit and we hear the lyrics. And their Georgenglish pronunciation. I love you even more now. Sweden gets out Carola’s wind machine to clear the all the smoke and we’re most impressed that the Georgians managed all of this without choking. -15th}

^{Ireland, I’m so sorry about this, but you were forgotten. You’re the Xandee sandwiched between Deen and Ruslana, the “Flying the Flag” right before Verka Serduchka. By the time you came on even us die-hards were over it. We’d had it. And a bunch of shirtless tattooed men dipped in baby oil with a bad song just doesn’t do it for us anymore, unless they have a better song than you did. Yes. Read that sentence again, I’m sure it’s shocking. Had Belgium and Ireland’s places been swapped so would the final score I think. Had Norway been in Ireland’s place though, it still would have been top ten. The song just wasn’t good enough. And let’s spare a thought for the singer: the only man on that stage told to keep on his shirt. How insulting is that? – 26th, last.} 

^{And Sweden, can I say again (and again and again) how much I loved this show? Carola being blown off stage by a wind machine? Come on! How fantastic is that! And the many shout outs to the LGBTQ-alphabet community… I’m getting sappy (it’s my age), but it warmed my heart, it really, honestly did. It makes me so fucking happy. Thank you. I hope it could mean something to the GLBTQsomething community living in less friendlier places than I do.} 

^{Thank you, Sweden.
I bloody love you!}

Gay disco stompers at Eurovision -part 1

One of my favourite songs from 2011 was (the shamefully and totally undeserved only 22nd placed) "What about my dreams" by Kati Wolf. It has everything a good gay torch song/disco stomper needs: a strong (female) vocal, lyrics about self-realisation and emancipation, a short ugly dress and a wind machine.
If it weren't for the distracting backing dancers with the lit-up crotch, this might have won the whole thing.

Ok. It wouldn't have won. But a girl can dream, right?




Now if only she'd looked a bit more at the staging of Iceland's 2010 entry "Je ne sais quoi": fantastic discobeat, lyrics, great singing, sparkles and a smidgeon of pink (in the form of Eurobandid's Fridrik Omar) in the backing choir. Again finishing a disappointingly in a 19th place, but -if it's any consolation to Hera Björk and I imagine it is- she's got a big hit in this household.



Speaking of Iceland, this seems as good a time as any to remind you all of the other dose of fabulousness (and yes, that same guy from the backing choir - talk about recycling): Eurobandid's "This is my life". Written by Pall Oskar, another Eurovision legend, and placing 14th in the final, it had me make my own Icelandic flag to wave about during the contest. You'd be amazed how hard it is to find Icelandic flags in Belgium... who'd have thought.
Just look at how thrilled these people are to be there. If I could sing and dance -and most importantly walk in high heels-, that's how happy *I* would look to be on stage at Eurovision.



And I cannot end my first ever "gay disco stompers at Eurovision"-entry without the fantastic, the amazing, the "are they kidding me"-entry from 2004: Deen from Bosnia & Herzegovina.
My little Bosnian prince with the Dolce & Gabanna jeans, whatever happened to you? And what to think of those lyrics "I'm lying, I'm late, I'm losing my weight, because I want to dance all night..." and "kiss me and turn me slow, up and down, here we go". Yeah baby! Look at Deen shaking it for what he's worth and grabbing a 9th place which, granted will have more to do with the balkan votes than with the fabulousness of it al. Yet it re-installed my faith in humanity and its taste for bad disco music at the time (I was blissfully in denial of bloc voting back then). I love you, Deen!



Part 1 of many I should think, seeing as I just realised I haven't even started on Sakis Rouvas, Dana International, Ani Lorak, Charlotte Perelli, the god-fearing Carola and that guy with the cockring from 2005...!

Moscow bans gay pride

*again*

Only this time, they're banning a gay pride on the day of the Eurovision final. A day with lots of cameras in Moscow. And a festival which has brought a lot of gays to the city. Pride organisors have asked Eurovision participants to show their solidarity with the gay rights movement.
Let's see if any of them do.

Oh, tuck it back in....

Winning Eurovision has its benefits: you get a glass-studded dildo, the praise of millions of Europeans, a couple of mentions on Line Out, and in Dima Bilan's case you even get a street named after you. A street!! Why not rename the whole city while they're at it? "Dima Bilantown", come on Medvedev, you know you want to...

Unfortunately winning Eurovision also has its drawbacks. Apart from costing your home country millions of Euros (or Roubles) to organise this campfest, there's also the hatred of millions of Europeans, you invariably get accused of plagiarism (every single year) and this time bad halfnude photos resurface with whispered gossip of "gay porn"and "escort".
Not in Russia, of course, where Dima is well on the way to sainthood (hey, the man resurrects ballerinas and little kids, I'd like to see you try it!), but pretty much everywhere else.

But look what a sex scandal did for George Michael's career! It can only increase his popularity in the gay community. And what else could Dima be aiming for? It's all one big plot to make this boring song a tad more interesting. I bet the KGB's involved....