Big Five and Denmark

Denmark: Basim – Cliché Love Song

I hate scatting. With a passion. Almost as much as I hate clowns, spiders, bigotry and the extreme right. My hatred for this stuff overshadows anything that this song may or may not be. Without it, I’d probably be hopping along in my seat. But now I can only resist the urge to throw things. I’m sorry, Denmark. 

Germany: Elaiza – Is it right

Oh, this is arty stuff with actual instruments, and a girl in very short shorts playing the harmonica. I’m not sure if I like the singer’s voice, but the song is fabulous, even though I’m not sure if it’s actually going somewhere. I get the feeling I should wear a big flowy skirt and just dance in circles around a room.  As such, with the absence of campfires, I’m afraid it’ll get lost in the other Eurovision violence. 

UK: Molly – Children of the universe

So, if Scotland votes yes on the referendum, how long before they take part in Eurovision and give the UK zero points? But this song should get points. I love it. All anthem-y and revolution-y, I’m a huge fan. Huge. You’ve heard it here first. I LOVE a UK entry. Let it be written down, put in stone, because it doesn’t happen much. Oh, she can screw it up of course, by thinking she’s at a concert as opposed to a television show, but the CD version will be played at top volume in this house and in our car. Come on, Eurovisionland, put that wind machine on and give those backing singers a couple of flags to wave! Power to the people!!

France: TWIN TWIN – Moustache

Is it ever a good idea when the French try humour? Well, yes, I loved Les Fatals Picards, even though I was probably the only one in  the world. Apart from they themselves. And I’m going to love TWIN TWIN. All they want is a moustache, is that so much to ask? (Well, since I’m asking, yes, it is, moustaches invariably make men look like creeps, and if my boys ever (try to) grow one I’m shaving it off when they sleep). Tell me, is it just me or is this faaaaabulous? 

Spain: Ruth Lorenzo – Dancing in the rain

Oh, well, this is a big contrast from the French song. Good though. And English, Spain? Really now? Are we going there? Is the world ending? Sorry, in all honesty, this is actually bloody fantastic. And moving. And if this gets a good draw… well, Spain is quite broke, aren’t they?... bugger. 

Italy: Emma – La Mia Citta

Its good. It sounds edgy. If I even have a clue what that means, at my age. But it’s good. And it scares me a little, which can only be a good thing for Eurovision. Pretty sure my wife will have an instant crush, which is generally also a good thing for Eurovision.

What is going on, are the Big Five sending the best songs of the night? Did they finally get the memo that making an effort is worth it (if not for them, then at the very least for us?).

I guess that’s it for the songs of 2014.

Who’s going to win? I have no fucking clue. Not us. But 2014 might just be a very good year.

(Be sure to remind me of that when some song I hate wins, and I throw a tantrum not seen since the Dima Bilan/Azerbaijan duet debacles).

UK: Engelbert Humperdinck – Love will set you free.

You know, I’ve heard a lot about Engelbert (what a name) but I don’t think I could name a single song of his. Thankfully there are still some things I am too young for. But that’s something I’ll never again be able to say after this year’s song contest. Despite the lack of Bombastic Red Army, this is not bad at all. I’m pretty sure we won’t be getting a clothes change (I should hope not), Engelbert will probably not be dressed in leather or do energetic backflips and I doubt he’ll be showing off his biceps. But this should definitely, definitely be top ten. And I’m always up for a trip to London.

UK: Blue – I can

And now for the most ridiculous low budget video of the Big Five: the UK! France gets to take a hike alongside an amazing coastline (and talk to toothless people): Blue gets girls in ripped bandages doing some distracting dance. They’re serious about those cutbacks in the UK, aren’t they. On the plus side, they’re already trying out the wind machine and the portable shower. Now all we have to do is wait for them to get out the S&M gear and the jelly and start wrestling each other. Now I know I said this might win, but frankly I hadn’t heard France yet then. So with this draw, and the funny faces that guy who has to hit the high notes pulls ... you’re not going to win. Unfortunately. Because I like this poppy little thing. But then again, you never know ... perhaps Blue is Big in Eastern Europe? Come on, lads, show us those biceps!

United Kingdom: Josh – That sounds good to me

Josh is so well known he doesn’t need a surname. Oh no, not him. So one year they send The Lord and the year after.... this. Now see, I love the 80s, I do, but even I can’t stomach this for longer than a minute: the Colgate smile, the slutty dance routine from thirty years ago, the unremarkable vocal... still, it’s pretty funny as a trainwreck.

The UK - Jade Ewen – It’s my time

Finally the UK pours some effort into finding a participant for the Eurovision Song Contest: they found none other than Andrew Lloyd Webber (the Phantom of the Opera himself, the man with more facial expressions than a professional mime, the gayest man ever not to be gay) to write the song for this year’s contest and .... it’ s so bloody boring. This could be any other song from any random musical and the chorus drags on and on. But this is actually bombastic and bad enough to do well, it’s exactly the kind of thing middle aged women/homosexuals and grannies will like, and I hope it scores, I really do. The UK need a reward for actually putting in the effort this year (though yes, then so does Belgium every other year, but let’s not split hairs). And if they throw in The Phantom Himself at the piano, well... the queens in the audience might just explode from happiness and text themselves raw. Heck, with Andrew Lloyd Webber on stage and Graham Norton in the commentator booth, UK viewers will probably start wondering what West-End musical everyone’s auditioning for now...