Thoughts on Eurovision 2014

I’ve always believed Eurovision was a good thing for gay rights in Europe. A good thing because, if you want to take part, you have to show the whole contest. You can’t censor anything, not even the blatant homosexual innuendos or .. well, blatant homosexuals and their rainbow flags. And when there’s a law against “homosexual propaganda” in Russia, the fact that they have to show Eurovision makes me pretty happy. After all, it doesn’t get more “homosexual propaganda” than Eurovision!

I find myself wanting to be careful not to draw too many optimistic conclusions about Conchita Wurst (and Austria) winning, but then it’s hard not to. 

 While I think Sweden’s song was better, Austria’s performance knocked it out of the park. She made that song THE number one song. The song to beat. And if she’d been a woman or perhaps even a drag queen without a beard (meaning you can “forget” there’s a man underneath the wig and the dress and the boobies) I would have been a lot more confident that she’d win it. But she wasn’t. Here was someone who’s obviously not a woman, who’s obviously a bit queer, winning the Eurovision Song Contest.

And people from countries where GLTBQ people have little or no rights, voted for her.  The juries didn’t always, but the televoters did. Less so than in western Europe, but still, they did vote for her.
Fuck you, backwards lawmakers.
You’ve been given the finger by your own people.

But of course Eurovision isn’t political….  Still, I can’t help but hope that for GLBTQ people in countries where the lawmakers (and perhaps popular opinion) still haven’t gotten their heads out of their collective arses, this win can mean something.  Whether it’s showing them they’ve got our support, they’re not alone (ooh! Armenia!), or that eventually, things get better everywhere, I don’t know. But I hope so. 

And I can’t help but think especially of GLBTQ people in Russia. The booing was over the top. It was unnecessary and it was rude. If I were Russia I would have told Europe  to stuff it and gone back home. The booing was not against the Russian people, it was against their leader.
Still, as I said, it was rude and it was not the place to do that. Rainbow flags yes, booing no. After all, it’s not the Russian people who are narrowminded idiots, it’s Putin. There’s a difference. 

And then there’s the other results. 

- It seems to me like you need a lot of luck in the running order, when you’re sending a “good, but not winning” song. No, the UK, Europe (“the rest of”) doesn’t hate you.  I just don’t think the last spot is such a coveted spot anymore (Ireland last year?), the contest just takes too long. If they cut down on the number of songs in the final, then yeah, maybe. But for now I think people have overdosed on the number of feathers, wind machine, glitter and craziness by the time we reach song number 26. I honestly think had you switched Spain and the UK’s running order, the result would have been switched as well. 

-Long live the jury/televote split! While you can still predict the 12s in certain countries, at least you can’t predict the top 10 anymore. 

- Had France been in the Balkan they would not have been last. It seems like being part of a voting bloc doesn’t so much make the difference between winning or losing, but when you send an average song it means the difference between a meagre two points or at least 9 or 32 points.

- And for my own country, Belgium must have been in a state of collective hysteria when selecting “Mother” as our entry. What happened? We were all so sure it was going to do well. Yes, I knew it was overly sentimental and bombastic, but I’ve never seen the fault in that, personally, it’s my thing! So what was it? Was it just the least bad song in a bad selection to choose from? Was it the fact that we got collective goose bumps when Axel Hirsoux sang in the preselections?  (he sang a lot better in the Belgian selection than in the semi) Or did we underestimate the creep-factor in singing about your mother? Any insight would be welcome.

 

We are unstoppable - Eurovision 2014 Final

Oh dear.
Oh my god.
What happened yesterday?!

Let’s start at the very beginning… (since we’re going to Austria next year, it’s never been a better time to quote the Von Trapp family. I wonder if that’ll be the theme of the show?! Hm… maybe not… let’s not mention… anyway!)

As if the show won’t take forever already, they decide to make it even longer by introducing the contestants by name and having them parade around behind their flag. All 26 of them. Seriously, Denmark? Seriously?  26 songs, 37 countries voting, all the in-between fillers, the inevitable televoting problems and you thought “We simply must find something to make this show longer! If we don’t it might be over at a reasonable time, before people have grown sick of it and the UK finishes at a low place again since they’re last to perform”

But hey, no-one asked for my advice.

Obviously. 

Finally, contestant number one has a go and it’s the Ukraine where a girl sings something poppy while a guy runs around in a hamster wheel behind her. A typical Saturday evening in the Ukraine, apparently. Generally a good idea to start looking for new ways to produce energy when you’re having a tiff with Russia.  -6^th

Then we’re on to “How The Fuck Did They Get Through”-Belarus and when we get to the points we see that only eastern European countries (and Israel) give them any points. So that must be how. Sorry, I don’t want to start about bloc-voting already (it’s going to happen inevitably, but I generally give it more time) but I absolutely hated that song. “Not a happy song” our commentator says “as it’s about a relationship going wrong”. Sure. Horrifyingly painful topic. Unlike that Hungarian song about child abuse. -16th

Azerbaijan is boring. Despite the trapeze. Their first time out of the top ten. -22^nd

Ah, the Teletubbies from Iceland. Always putting a smile on my face. The Blonde Ricky Gervais singing about prejudice probably has Putin cowering in fear. “I think one of these is a politician in Iceland” Recently-Been-On-Holiday-To-Iceland-sofamember goes. I wouldn’t be surprised. The Icelandic know how important this contest is.  -15^th

And there goes the happy atmosphere with Norway. Seriously, I’m worried about that guy. You have to let it out, Carl, this isn’t healthy. “Norway must be a pretty depressing country… always dark and cold. Probably rains a lot there”. We feel for the Norwegians! In all honesty, if this entry had had the Netherlands’ spot and vice versa, I think they would have been higher up there on the scoreboard. Depressing as it may be, this was a very good song. -8^th

Romania is loud and shouty and ideal for a drunken party, but this isn’t a party, this is Eurovision. (er… let me read that again…) Crazy Eyes and RaiUno girl manage a 12^th place though. 

Armenia is dressed like Spike, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he sings off key but yes, the last minute of the song is good. “Mordor in the back ground!” someone goes. -4^th (could this have been their first win if it hadn’t been for the jury system? I’ll let someone with a lot more time figure that out for me)

I’m starting to think there are factories all over ex-yugoslavia (I know, you guys must probably hate me calling it that, but naming all the countries is going to take forever and I have to take advantage of this small window of time while all three kids are napping, alright?) that grow singers for Balkan Ballads. Montenegro’s Sergej looks like almost every other male singer the Balkan has sent and sounds the same as well. Well, apart from Dino Merlin. “Finally someone utilizes the floor!” the sofa goes. Thankfully their iceskater isn’t wearing real skates, that would have been expensive to repair. Nice, but a tad boring. -18^th

 

Hooters from Poland. It may (or may not) be meant as irony, but if it is, it sure doesn’t come across well. This old fart is getting terribly uncomfortable watching the milk churning and laundry happening on stage. Some things should be left in private. Like milk churning. And laundry. The Wife is shocked when the lead singer pulls something from under her skirt and starts waving it about. “Are those her knickers?!”. It appeared to be a Polish handkerchief, but it was an honest mistake to make. Oh boy, I am not looking forward to watching this kind of stuff with my sons in 10 years time! -14^th

 

Greece makes the homosexuals jump up and down and knows how to throw a party. Is it quality? No. Is it fun? Hell yeah. Especially the singer’s clumsy attempts at jumping on the trampoline. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how I would be jumping on there. Clumsy. Terrified. “Why the fuck did I agree to this?” -20^{th    (}pretty sure they’d have done much better with a later spot in the show)

And then there’s Austria. I’ll leave the social commentary to another post, this is all I’ve written down on my scorecard: “genius”. She killed it. With or without the beard. She took a decent ballad, sung it incredibly well and performed with emotion.  – winner.

Germany was my prediction for last place. Not because it was a bad song, but well… what could you say about it. “Average” is what most of us said or thought, bland. And average (not bad, but not brilliant either) usually ends up with null points.  Especially when you’re in the middle of the show. But they surprised us all and ended up 18^th.

Sweden. Oh Sweden. “This is how it’s done, peasants” I said about you in the semi. And you showed us again. As far as songs go, this was my favourite.  Better than Austria’s. Both sung fantastically, both equally stunning visually. But for me, the performance was where Austria won. “Ice Queen” I wrote down. The emotions didn’t come across as well as they should have, you didn’t move me as much as I thought you would. “Of course not, she’s trapped in a ice palace!” the sofa proclaimed. Sanna, you were glorious. Glorious. My favourite song on the CD. And you did fabulously. -3^rd.   

“Should France really try humour?” I asked beforehand. “Yes!” I proclaimed, after having seen their video. “No” I have to admit, after seeing this performance. “The lyrics are sarcastic!” I tried “It’s a critique of society!”. But I couldn’t even convince myself. I love this on the CD, but performance-wise the last spot was er… spot on. (that’s the level of humour they’ve reduced me to)  -26^th

 

Russia. Russia. You brought a boring yet decent pop song, sung boringly decent. Should you have been booed? No. Whatever or whoever those girls might represent, they’re there singing a song. It’s not sportsmanlike to boo them every time they get points. And they deserved some points. Did they get too many due to bloc voting? Yes. Absolutely. Is that their fault? No. Are they responsible for anti-gay crimes in Russia? No. (well, not that I know of) Did they personally annex Crimea? Nope, I don’t think so, they’ll have been too busy preparing for the contest! Whatever anyone might think of Russian politics, the Russian people aren’t the enemy.  Still, we were a bit bored. And started thinking of ways Poland would have performed this song. Never a good thing. (And yay! Rainbowflag!) -7^th

 

Italy showed us what would have happened had the Romans entered Eurovision. A centurion clothes reveal! Too much white and too much gold, we wrote down. Yes. Read that again. Too much white. Who’d have thought that was possible?  And if the gays had just recovered from the Polish boobs, they now had to face Italy’s knickers. Poor boys! Loved this song beforehand, bit underwhelmed last night. -21^st

 

My wife is a nerd. “This is my favourite flag!” she went. Because in the postcard they make the flag with books. Must be why I love her.. . But about Slovenia. I love Slovenia. Might be my favourite Balkan country. Liked the song. Bit oldfashioned. Bit forgettable. -25^th. Only reason it ended above France is thanks to its neighbours. 

Finland brings us a Keane/Coldplay cover band dressed in aluminum foil. Is it bad? Not at all. But… well, what are we meant to do with it? The audience of gays are staring ahead unmoving. Where’s the camp of it all? -11^th

 

Ah, Spain. 7 people came to this blog (yes, 7!) all the way from Spain because I’d said this wasn’t bad. I was thrilled with the visits, as generally it’s just my wife and friends reading this crap. So thank you Spain! But what am I meant to say now? Let’s say she got off to a shaky start… you could tell she was a great singer, but the start was pretty off key. She picked herself up again, but the damage was done I thought. “There’s not much dancing going on in the rain” my wife complained. And there wasn’t. Nor were they wearing something see-through (“If Poland had been singing this song…”) but the styling was great. I was glad they got a decent result -10^th

 

And then my dear Sebalter from Switzerland. I was just about to adopt you , your friends and all your instruments, and I still would, but what happened between the semi and now? Sebalter sounded hoarse and the amount of energy that had been there on Thursday just wasn’t there today. Still love the song, obviously, but I was a bit underwhelmed. No hard feelings though, Sebalter. A sofamate voted for you (though our 5-person-national jury didn’t, so… that’s 50 cents down the drain!) – 13^th

Hungary might not have been singing about not wanting to be called “Cheesecake” by his girlfriend, but this also wasn’t a very happy song, was it Belgian commentator.  A good song, yes., but the lyrics made me terribly uncomfortable. I don’t want to repeat myself and maybe I should see it as groundbreaking, but I don’t want to hear graphic songs about any horrible subject. I prefer hidden depths, the meanings behind the meanings… it’s just me. And I can’t sing along with “daddy, please leave me alone”. I can’t. especially not when there’s an up tempo dance bit afterwards. Turns out I’m in the minority though. 5^th

Folky Malta had my dad picking up his mobile phone and voting for them! Not that it did much good, but still if you’re from Malta, know my dad voted for you. Malta probably holds the record for Most Playbacked Instruments in the history of Eurovision. The drummer alone managed to fake playing three instruments! That’s a skill! -23^rd

Denmark brings us a cliché love song, as they promised, and for a few horrible moments I think this is going to win. It’s quirky, I’m pretty much alone in my hatred of it on the sofa and it’s performed well by a bunch of happy looking young folk. Who can hate that? Apart from me ( it’s the scatting, I can’t get over it). My fears of it winning are ungrounded however. Thankfully. -9^th. 

The Netherlands suddenly became the dark horse of this competition. When they drew this slot I knew they could be going for gold. It’s a good song, sung well, very different from all the rest and it’s in prime position for a good result. And ‘lo and behold… I think the second place is partly due to their spot, but they would have been top five either way. A good album track, a bit boring, but good. And thanks to the Texas twang no Dutch accents! Hurray! -2^nd. 

“Ah, so thàt was San Marino!”Apart from my shock when this got through, I couldn’t remember this song for the life of me. “Perhaps they’re intentionally going for retro” the sofa thinks, because what other explanation could there be for the horrible mermaid fan thing going on behind poor Valentina. Whether she’s singing The LoveBoat or the start of a detective show, we’re not sure. What we do know is that Valentina is probably glued to that pumice she’s standing on as she’s not moving an inch. That, or she’s a real mermaid. -24^th

And I think for the general public the contest was over after the Dutch performance, for is anyone still awake when poor Molly from the United Kingdom comes on?  We are, but we’re the idiots sitting there with scorecards and flags and homemade Conchita cookies and flag cupcakes. We’re not the general public. Molly is wearing a hairy dress and something centurion like. She must have shared a dressing room with Italy. And much as I loved this song beforehand, I’m –again- underwhelmed by the performance. Vocally she doesn’t seem to be all there and it lacks the power I’d hoped it would have. It should have ended higher than it did, but dear lord, UK, Europe (normally you should add the prefix “the rest of” to “Europe” but you often tend to leave that out…) doesn’t hate you. If they hated you, you’d have been booed like those poor twins, because apparently no-one has manners anymore. -17^th.

And then there’s a bunch of unfunny stuff (sorry Evil Petit Pilou, but I say “bring back Petra Mede”!) and for a while it seems like we’re going to Hungary and then the Netherlands nearly get it and there’s Sweden but… La Wurst wins it!!!
And she gives the best speech ever. “This night is dedicated to everyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. You know who you are. We are unity. And we are unstoppable.” And then she lifts that ugly glass trophy in the air like she just won a boxing match. A true queen!

How beautiful is that? 

So Austria next year! Lederhosen? Edelweiss? Ein Schloß am Wörthersee? Kommissar Rex? Mountains? Who knows! If there’s anyone willing to take me  (and the sofa) with them though, be sure to let me know!

On Conchita Wurst (oh, and the second Eurovision semi...)

When you hear "the woman with the beard" you immediately think "joke entry", don't you? 
I know I did. Or at least a gimmick.
I thought she would be singing an over the top up tempo song (which I would have loved) and -more importantly- that she wouldn't be able to carry a tune. But the feathers, sequins, wind machine and back up dancers would make up for that.
Right?

Wrong.

That girl can sing. 
If there's anything Conchita Wurst showed Europe (and me) it's that she's a singer with a good (oldfashioned) song who can sing better than anyone else on that stage tonight. 
And that the fact that she's a drag queen, with a beard, with whatever gender expression, is beside the point.

It's not about being a woman with a beard. It's about being a singer with a song. 
And that is a Very Big Thing.
 
/emo rant. 
(and if she doesn't place top ten on Saturday it will NOT be about her performance)

Oh yes, sorry, other things about tonight's show.
Were there any other things?

Well, it was "Forget Your Bra"-day at Eurovision today. 

We're saying goodbye to:
- Israel: who slightly underwhelmed me on stage. No matter how sexy Hebrew sounds.
- High As A Kite Georgia. "Why not bring a parachute onstage?" "alriiiiiight!"
- Lithuania: insert bad joke about not grabbing our attention
- Ireland By Numbers: been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and sent us a cheap knock-off. In a very ugly dress. Seriously. What was up with that dress??
- Macedonia: and more importantly Macedonia's Sister. Who looked very nice. Very nice indeed. I love a woman in a suit. Slightly less so if said suit is cut like a Sue Sylvester Tracksuit.

Thrilled to be seeing again:
- SWITZERLAND!!!
- AUSTRIA! 
Honestly? I would have burnt stuff down had these two not made it.
Loved Slovenia and the worst flute playback ever.

Party time with Greece and Romania (who impressed me, despite my reservations)
Norway was a bit droopy, but alright, based on the CD you get a second chance.
Finland? Er... alright then. 
Poland: see, I get that the song is catchy, but I cannot for the life of me look past the soft porn. I'm embarrassed, I just want them to cover up before they catch a cold. 

And Really Europe? Belarus? Really???

Eurovision Semi 1: results

What. The. Fuck. Europe?
What the fuck?
Seriously?
SAN FUCKING MARINO???
It's the worst song she's ever brought, and that's saying a lot. Bunch of sentimental queens voting for the Loveboat...

Ahem.
Sorry.

I cry bitter tears.
No matter your feelings on a song, on how bad or over the top or sentimental of shmalzy it is, you just want to see your country in the final. It's just so much more fun that way.
Alas. It was not to be. I'll get over it. Somehow.

We're never sending a Walloon to Eurovision again. They're barred from now on! 

So... who did we say goodbye to tonight?

-US, Belgium!!!! Poor Axel Hirsoux, he must have been crying his eyes out. I really feel for the guy. No worries, I don't blame you. I just blame Europe and their lack of respect for THEIR MOTHERS. And for the proper Bombastic Ballad that makes Eurovision Great. Shame on you, Europe. Shame on you! 
- The stoned Latvians who forgot to comb their hair. Brainstorm 2.0. Or as the Wife said "well, as long as they're happy, just let them be..."
- The Whitest Of Them All: Estonia, with her backing singers so far away on the edge of the stage I hope they don't suffer from acrophobia. 
-  Albania who sent Shakira with a song that went nowhere slowly, including a guitarist wearing a turtleneck. A turtleneck???  Who wears turtlenecks at Eurovision? (Capital Rule: "No Guitars At Eurovision" can now be said to include "No Turtlenecks At Eurovision")
- Moldova with a cross between Game of Thrones, a prom dress gone bad and a hairdo-change. Yes. A hairdo-change. A bad one. 
- and Portugal who sang off key but what a catchy silly stupid thing that was. Flags! Wind machine! Football Chants! "If it worked for France in 2010...." No, France was good honey, that's the difference.

And that's it.
All the others are going through, including the song about domestic abuse from Hungary (seriously? It's making me uncomfortable just listening to it in a Eurovision setting and I work in childcare!), those twins who got booed for their country's politics, that boring song about starting a fire, the boring (yet good) Dutch, the guy in the hamster wheel ("Free me! Free me!"), San Fucking Marino (I know they've been passed over in the past, but this year they deserved to be!), Zeljko... oh... no that wasn't Zeljko... hm... looked like him, the Armenian dubstep explosion, fabulous Iceland, and "THIS is how it's done, peasants, watch and learn" Sweden.
 
Which means we must have really really really sucked....
I might need a few days to recover. Thankfully there's another semi the day after tomorrow. 
If Switzerland don't make it then, I might just set fire to something....

On a related note: Denmark, you are fantastic.
All the inclusive GLBTQ tolerance, the filming of the rainbow flag after Russia's performance, the pisstake on the Perfect City... LOVE IT.

Eurovision 2014: Semi 2 preview

Now what's going on, Piglet, you might ask.  Where are the days of the one country per post with videos and links and bullet points and things? You seem to be taking things a little... well, easy...
I’m sorry. I really am. But life is what's going on.
Actual real life. Three boys under four, for one. A fulltime job, is another thing.
Interrupted sleep. Snotty noses. Lawns to be mowed. Fairs to be gone to. Zoos to be seen. Philosophical questions to be answered "But mummy, if an elephant stepped on a sea urchin, who would survive?". I have to show up for work most days and try and be productive. And in between all of that I'm trying to convert my boys to the magic of Eurovision.
The youngest is still in the reflexes-only stage, he just wants boobs (which Eurivision generally provides). The second loves dancing, so that's pretty much in the bag, if it weren't for all the ballads. The oldest gets annoyed that he doesn't understand what anyone is singing, since it's in English. Or something like English. So he requires some work still.
Though I've gotten him as far as to agree when I ask him if he likes the Pet Shop Boys. Ha! (upon hearing some of the songs, “But mummy, is that the Petshieboys again?”)
But on with the show.
 

 Malta: Firelight – Coming Home

Oh good god, world war I, is it?  I’m just about ready to destroy this song and the video, but then it’s this folky thing… obviously Malta wants to follow up on last year’s success with something uplifting and fun. Not sure about the bridge, but the rest of it is one foot tapping, leg jumbling, clap along melody of fabulousness. With poppies in the background. Douze points from Belgium I should think. And the Brits.

Israel: Mei Finegold – Same Heart

Song two and is it just me or is this semi turning out to be the best of the two, by far?  There’s a lot of eyeliner, boobs, no pants and a woman wielding a sword. In our house we call that “fun for the whole family!”. And yes, the traditional switch to Hebrew!! Oh, Israel, you seldom disappoint. Not exactly a song about unity and friendship and butterflies this one, but I *love* it. But I guess I’m not a unity-friendship-and-butterflies-girl.

Norway: Carl Espen – Silent Storm

Could other countries please try and lay off the heartfelt sweet ballads when that’s our angle? I mean, seriously, we’re fucked enough as it is (and not in a good way).
Yes, thank you Norway. That was lovely. Unfortunately.

Georgia: The Shin and Mariko – Three Minutes to Earth

Folky Shit 2.0. I’m all for it, it’s in my job description, but this is a bit forgettable. Kudos for the absolutely weird video clip these people have thought up though. It’s like being high at a folk festival. An airplane, a concrete background, grass, fake snow, slowmo dance moves, at least they’re doing all they can to keep us interested.

Poland: Donatan and Cleo – My Slowianie- We are Slavic

Basically  the Polish version of “The Balkan Girls they like to party like to party like nobody” (yes, I remember that lyric, and no, that’s not because it was so good. Bloody annoying piece of crap). The video is so over the top, it’s basically soft porn. I can only hope that it was meant to be ironic: one big joke from Poland that the leaves the rest of Europe in shock and Poland laughing at us going “they think we’re serious with this crazy misogynistic stuff”. I hope. But then again, when confronted with a scary big guy in sunglasses and a baseball cap, you can never really be sure.

Austria: Conchita Wurst – Rise like a phoenix

If a contestant can get certain lawmakers in certain countries so hot and bothered that they’re proposing a ban of the contest because it promotes “sodomy”,  how can you not love her? And really, they’re worried about a drag queen with a beard (as if there haven’t been drag queens before) when they probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the boob and ass-fest that was –hopefully ironic- Poland?! Go on, “promoting sodomy”, Conchita (looking gorgeous beneath the beard), though I’d be lying if I said I was crazy about your song (heard it one too many times before, usually in Bond Soundtracks) and I’m a bit nervous about you hitting those high notes live. But just for spooking the ignorant, you need to go to the final.

Lithuania : Vilja Matacuunaite - Attention 

If I have to read one more participant profile where people claim to have been “singing before they could talk” or “dancing before they could walk” I’m going to start throwing things. Really now? Really? No. You were drooling before you could talk and before you could walk you only managed to move forward on your butt, so stop lying and claiming otherwise, random contestants of singing/dancing competitions and –apparently- Eurovision!
I hope they’ve done some polishing because on the video the act and song just look messy and that’s really the most I can say about this. Nah. Meh. It doesn’t grab my (wait for it) .. attention.
(I’m so hilarious, it’s unbelievable)

Finland: Softengine – Something better

Finland brings us the nice, decent rock song of the evening. In our house that’s usually the toilet break. I don’t know about this. Stadium chants (and worse “clap along” moments) usually bomb in Eurovision, and this is coming from someone who still weeps over the fantastic “Mala Dama” and the way it sunk unnoticed to the bottom of the Eurovision Pool. You’ll have to do something to make it stand out in our minds and I’m not sure what that could be.

Ireland: Can-Linn (ft Kasey Smith) – Heartbeat

And after the nice, decent rock song, we have the nice decent pop song-with-folky-elements that is one kind of Eurovision By Numbers (one of the kinds I love. But then who am I kidding, there are few versions of Eurovision By Numbers that I dislike). Yay, Ireland.

Belarus: Teo – Cheesecake

Another contestant singing about cake? Has this turned into a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous?
For some reason this song really rubs me the wrong way. And it’s not just the sexist video (fast forward to 2.20 so you don’t have to listen to this crap), it’s everything. I really have no patience for this drivel. Hope you booked your return ticket for the Friday, Teo.

FYR Macedonia: Tijana – To the Sky

Ha! No economic crisis is going to stop you from taking part, is it, my dears?! Let’s say the video, shot in part in a some sort of fetish shed (where is this place one might ask?!), seems to be aimed at a certain demographic, the hot blonde with the haircut is aimed at another, and the song isn’t half bad. Gone are the days of sending a bleating sheep and still getting to the top 10, but they have a shot at the final with this one.

Switzerland: Sebalter – Hunter of Stars

This song makes me happy. I love it. I’d be happy with a win for Switzerland, or at the very least a great big summer hit. My blondest son is shaking his little bum at the song and asking me to dance, so I’m taking that as a good sign. (I don’t trust my eldest’s judgement (“Is that Pet Shop Boys again?”) he seemed to have a thing for Engelbert Humperdinck back in the day) .

Greece: Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd – Rise Up

Again, with the “featuring”. Is it too much to ask to be a part of the band you’re coming to Eurovision with?  You’ve got to love Greece though, crisis or no crisis, here they are. Thankfully they’ve got their priorities straight. And I like this little silly song. It’s simple, it’s pop, it’s danceable. It should qualify and do well. Oh crap. I’ve just typed this and the rap comes on. People of Eurovision, rap in dance songs (in this format anyway) hasn’t been done well since the 90s. And even then it was questionable. Why must we repeat this year after year after bloody year? It adds nothing to the song, even though, yes, I’m very glad you’ve left Stereo Mike at home this year. Freaky Fortune ft Risky Kidd… who thinks up these names? #oldwomanalert

Slovenia: Tinkara Kovac – Round and round

Like a record baby, round, round, round, round! No? Oh no… it’s a ballad. Or no, it’s not. Well, whatever it is, it *is* bilingual. I love me some bilingualism at Eurovision. The video features Drumming in Extreme Circumstances, a woman in a suit and something arty. That’s good enough for me.

Romania: Paula Seling &OVI – Miracle

Ovi, the man who’s so great you have to write his name using CAPITAL LETTERS only. And the prize for crappy badly sung duet of the evening goes to Romania. Congratulations, Paula!

(and thank the flying spaghetti monster for not putting Belgium in *this* semi)