Eurovision Semi 1 Preview

(videos and stuff can all be found here: http://www.eurovision.tv/page/history/by-year/contest?event=1883

Since I'm too lazy to cut and paste all the youtube links. Honestly, it takes up loads of time and the few people that are going to read this are all Eurovisionfreaks anyway and have already heard and seen everything!...

Last year I let myself be surprised by everything on the night itself. Part of it was a deliberate attempt to "try things a little bit differently" (not good for my autism and sense of guilt, let me tell you!), most of it was a lack of time and "oh my god, is it May yet?!". One can say I was a tiny bit out of the Eurovision spirit. Blasphemy, I know. 
And it was actually pretty enjoyable. I had no clue what was coming, I was surprised by everything. I quite loved it to be honest. For once you see things only on the night itself and that really changes how good or bad you think an entry is, as opposed to having analysed it to death the weeks before.
 
But as I said, guilt, autism... curiosity, and a tiny bit more time this year (despite an extra baby in the house), so here I am again.
Without further ado, let's get on with Semi 1.

Armenia: Aram MP 3 – not alone

Boring Ballad. With drums. But don’t fear, two thirds in, the song goes all drum-and-bass-y and dark brooding Angel Type Chaos. I love the last minute or so. Shame about the two before it.
Who thought this would be a good way to open the show? What a shitty place for Armenia, they should sue. 

Latvia: Aarzemnieki – Cake to bake 

When a song is called “Cake to Bake” I have expectations. Granted, not very big ones, but expectations nonetheless. Latvia seems to have sent 2014s version of That Guy From Brainstorm who sings a song about… how to bake a cake. So in that respect, my expectations are met. However, unless they’re actually baking a cake on stage, or someone jumps out of a cake in the buff, this shouldn’t go anywhere.

(And what a pity that I’m not letting myself be surprised by genius such as this on the night itself.. )

(Though it is bloody catchy… Mix some dough, add some love, let it bake, wait for it..)

Estonia: Tanja – Amazing

Alright, Eurovision By Numbers, I can’t believe we had to wait till song number 3 for this. Can this girl carry a tune live though? Because when you’re going for Dull Soulless Dance Eurovision By Numbers that is a requirement. Apart from that, it lacks a certain Oomph, a Je ne sais quoi, to be pulled off (ooh er) on Pride Floats. But feel free to prove me wrong on the Sixth.

Sweden: Sanna Nielsen – Undo

Latvia, Estonia, Armenia… *this* is how you do it. Fuck, we’re being Out-Ballad-ed. By Sweden, so it’s not such a shameful thing.  This is an anthem, ladies and gentlemen. This is something to be lipsynched by  drag queens with tortured expressions. I LOVE it. Thank you, whoever broke the songwriter’s heart, for allowing them to make this gem.
However, judging by my wife’s ultimate goosebump test (proven right by Molitva, Euphoria and Teardrops)  this is not the winner.

Iceland: Pollapönk – No Prejudice

I always have high expectations of Iceland. They might be my favourite Eurovision Country for their sending of the gay and the fabulous in years past. And this year they send a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits singing about prejudice while they tie up people with rainbow ribbons. Which is cute.  Yes, I know they break my rule about “no voting for guitars at Eurovision Ever”, but tracksuits! beards! no prejudice! this is fabulous. Not a chance of winning, but I’m voting for this. This has to get to the finals, if only to show the GLBTQABC community in countries with idiots for president/parliament that we’ve got their backs.

/political rant.
I love it when Eurovision does something like this.

Albania: Hersi – One night’s anger

With a title like this I think of crimes of passion or domestic violence and really… who wants to hear a song about that after you’ve just heard a bunch of bearded men in tracksuits happily rocking to end all ignorance and violence?
Not a clue what she’s actually singing about, since I can’t find the lyrics and she’s singing in adorable Albanenglish, but the song is nice enough. Most important things I take from the video: you can go horseback riding and parasailing in Albania, people will blow cigarette smoke on you if you pass them in the dark, you can pummel on buskers in raincoats playing electric guitars (as you should) and sometimes, people ride a red bike in Albania. Excellent stuff! 

Russia: Tolmachevy Sisters – Shine

Is that the scary twins from Junior Eurovision? They used to haunt my nightmares…. It’s Russia, so they’re a shoe-in for the top ten, and yes, the song isn’t bad. But I still fear Russia’s pink tank from the last time they hosted, so it’s just got to stop there. Good song, but pretty unremarkable. 

Azerbaijan: Dilara Kazimova – Start a Fire

Another ballad? Seriously? But we’re also sending a ballad… have these people not heard that we’d like to get to the finals? Very unthoughtful of you, Azerbaijan, even if you have gorgeous eyes. My, what gorgeous eyes you have. This lady looks a bit like Conchita Wurst, without the beard (and that’s a compliment, in case you were wondering). This is not what I had in mind when I read the title, I was expecting pyro (well, it IS Azerbaijan), something poppy with a beat or a homoerotic ballad between a man and his shadow. It’s not got enough bombast for me, but I’m sure they’ll have excellent staging. It IS Azerbaijan, after all. 

Ukraine: Mariya Yaremchuk -  Tick-Tock

Hang on, this is the same woman as Azerbaijan. Thank you for not sending a ballad, Ukraine, but I had expected better from you. Your tradition in sending gorgeous women who sing powerful pop songs is legendary and this song just isn’t good enough.  Good for us, but a shame for the world of Eurovision. But again, as this is The Ukraine, I’m pretty sure they can prove me wrong on the night. 

Belgium: Axel Hirsoux – Mother

Now I’m thrilled with this song. I know you probably all hate it, but this is the type of Bombastic Ballad I expect from Croatia, Serbia, the lot and since they’re not taking part, we just have to send it ourselves. Add to this that this guy is from Wallonia and Flanders sent him (It’s not quite the symbolism of Russia sending a Ukrainian drag queen to Eurovision, but close…), and he’s got an amazing voice. No matter what you say, this gives me goose bumps. Even if it is over the top sentimental emotional drivel. It’s Eurovision, that’s what it’s there for. And no wind machine is going to blow our guy away, no sir!
(I'm critical about the lyrics though, what mother wants to hear their kid sing they're weak and she's bright?! No mother in their right mind, that's who. But then, with the accent, you probably won't understand)

Moldova: Cristina Scarlat – Wild soul

I would hope you are human, Cristina, since I’m pretty sure there’s a law that states you have to be to be taking part… although… Dustin the Turkey… never mind.  Could it be that the Drum-and-Bass-y-thingy is a thing this year? This song fills me with “meh” though, it’s just not over the top enough. Well, apart from those lyrics. "What am I? Am I human? What am I? An emotion?" You're, whining, that's what you are. Honestly. 

San Marino:  Valentina Monetta – Maybe 

Ooh, a tasteful ballad (and yet another video filmed by the seaside, did they get a discount if they all filmed there?  “Check it out, we have a beach”, “so do we!!”, “We’re a bloody island, twits!”, “We’re completely below sea level, beat that!”). Yes, a tasteful song. Which is pretty unique for Eurovision I suppose. But it also leaves me with nothing much to say. 

Portugal: Suzy – Quero Ser Tua

Oh… no Fado? Just men in leather and mesh and tattoos, and girls in skimpy dresses… normally I should be all for that, but the singing makes it clear that Portugal really don’t want to host this thing next year. The prize for Trainwreck of this semi seems to have been awarded. Oh my lord! Flags! They’re waving flags!! This is easily one of the songs I’ll most look forward to on the night, for all the wrong reasons. Yay Portugal!

The Netherlands: The Common Linnets – Calm after the storm

Slow going country. The seaside! (told you, they’re below sealevel, try and beat that!), is this going anywhere though? Anywhere but an album track? I can’t say anything mean about this though. It’s boring, yes, but it’s probably good. In its own way. 

Montenegro: Sergej Cetkovic – Moj Svijet

Seaside! They were absolutely serious about that discount, weren’t they. Don’t be surprised if all the postcards from Kopenhagen are filmed at the seaside. Montenegro, I’m so glad you’re here. You haven’t deserted us, lone Balkan player in this semi… the song isn’t half bad, but well, not extremely good either. Never mind, just for showing up, I’m letting you through to the final.  

Hungary: Andras Kallay-Saunders – Running

How original, Drum-and-Bassy-stuff is a Thing this year. As are depressing song subjects like domestic violence and child abuse. So much for Eurovision being a happy/bitchy escape from reality for a few hours. Can we just get back to singing about ending prejudice and broken hearts and feathers and wind machines and mothers please?  It's good though. But utterly utterly depressing.   

Semi final 2 recap

Is it just me or was this a snoozefest of a semi? I was bored out of my skull at times. Is the Eurovision fever fading? Help me!

The best part of this semi, by far? The interval! Dima Bilan, looking as high as a kite and "freestyling" his crappy song! Marija Serifovic, who did not make the transition from baby dyke to... slightly more butch woman with much grace! Lena Did She have a Surname, If So I forgot! Alexandr Rybak finally looking older than 16! And two Azeris I couldn't name if my life depended on it. I'm pretty sure one was a presenter, but that's as far as my knowledge goes. The whole thing had a fabulously camp Soundmix Show feel to it. All that was missing was one of the monsters from Lordi and we'd have been all set.  Loved it, loved it!

The rest of the show however...
We spotted a few new trends though, and far be it from me to keep them from you:
- the 70s porn moustache is back. I don't know why and I don't agree with it, but it was there.
- Black is the new white. Gone are the days when the performers dressed in white to "stand out". They've now figured out if everyone does that, no-one really stands out, so they've all opted for black. Every single one of them. Oops. (Well, apart from Dima Bilan who showed he's a few years behind Eurovisionfashion-wise. Heads will roll in Moscow!)
- Is pyro the new wind machine? Think about it....

Now who do we say goodbye to after tonight?

The Netherlands: Oh, Joan with your headdress and your band of jolly gay musicians. I thought this came across rather well and I'd have liked to see you go through. The song wasn't as bad as a lot of the other crap in this semi. You looked high as a kite (on Heineken?) and it would have been entertaining for the fire hazard alone: so many flames near so many feathers... I'll bet the Azeri fire department have three trucks standing by the arena just in case. Alas, it was not to be.

Belarus: they were the weeners, and always will be in my book. There's something to be said about people trying to score "straight points" in an outfit that looks like it was stolen from a gay dungeon. Kudos to the guys in metal class who made the microphone stands. Very erm... interesting.

Portugal: somehow I always end up having a soft spot for you, despite the bad, bad styling. You're not the only victim of it tonight though. Is something going on? Are stylists in Europe collectively on strike?

Bulgaria: who brought us some seriously scary 80s music. Now she doesn't need anyone with her on stage, she'll just do it on her own. "It sounded better without the singing" someone remarks. Judging by her belt, Sofi is a renowned boxing champion, so I'd be careful what I say.

Slovenia: it's now obvious. Everyone in the Balkan hates you. And you totally won me over with that performance, for some reason. Suddenly I thought the song was actually rather good. Could it be the Molitva-connection? Perhaps you got left out because you dressed in white and everyone thought you were so behind the fashion?  Maybe it was the flowers on your dress?

Croatia: dressed in rumpled bin bags with backing dancers dressed as blacksmiths. I don't see how this didn't get through. Can't for the life of me remember the song, but come on people! Bin bags! Blacksmiths!

Georgia with the bad dye job. If you dye your hair, at least dye your beard as well. Otherwise it's just slacking. The candidate from Montenegro left his cape behind Tuesday and Georgia thought "ooh, we can use that". I must agree that the song was infinitely better when he was still wearing the cape. That's still not saying much, but at least he peroxide didn't blind me then. Backing singers in corsets and something that looks like a cheap magician's act. I reckon it'll be a while before Georgia sends another male candidate.

Slovakia: Straight points galore, apart from the sale on eyeliner and the Farrah Fawcett hairdo. At least it stood out. Rock on, Slovakia.

And who got through (some of them bafflingly):
- Serbia: Zeljko. Enough said.
- Fyr Macedonia: Que? They had a bloody guitar solo! Are you mad?
- Malta: "Let's have pyro AND a wind machine AND dry ice AND do something with our feet". And it worked! Seriously, Baku, I hope you have another batch of firemen ready for Saturday.
-  Ukraine: Hey! I know that song! Don't I know that song? I'm sure I've heard it before. Yes, we have. Millions of times. That, and  Norway. "It's the thing with the powertools, remember?"
- Sweden: yeah baby!
- Turkey "Ride me like I like you?" erm... I probably misheard. Rock the boat, batmen!
- Estonia: again I must say "que", but then I don't fancy men, I think that might be it.
- Bosnia & Herzegovina which might have become interesting if part of the decor had fallen over. As for now: meh meh and meh. Boring.
- Lithuania: for god's sake, keep the blindfold on if You're Making A Point. And someone turn him so he stands with his back to the audience. Ha!

I wonder what Saturday will bring. Hopefully new postcards!

The Netherlands: Joan Franka – You and Me.

It’s “you and I”. Thank you. But never mind. If you actually listen to this song, which I know is very hard, because after all, there’s a very white Dutch woman –not a drop of Native American blood in her veins- wearing a headdress and playing a guitar looking entirely too cheerful about it. And then we haven’t mentioned the backing “dancers” who manage to look even more ridiculous. Quite an accomplishment! But if you listen, if you close your eyes and really really listen, then I think this song isn’t so bad at all.

The Netherlands: 3Js – Never alone

Hmm.I can think of absolutely nothing to say about this. Which is probably not a good sign. Not bad, not bad, a pity they forgot to write a recognisable chorus. Let’s hope they dress appealingly in order to bring out their best assets. Yes, sexism is allowed. This is Eurovision.

The Netherlands: Sieneke – Ik ben verliefd (Sha-la-lie)

Thank you, The Netherlands, for sending a song that for once is more ridiculous than ours. Thank you, Father Abraham (he of the Smurf Song) for composing this sorry excuse of an entry. Thank you, Sieneke, it’s not your fault, but still... just thank you. Be glad most of you don’t understand the ridiculousness of these lyrics. Seriously people, this is easily, hands down, the worst song in this contest. And for once, it’s not ours! Thank you!

The Netherlands – The Toppers – Shine

After so much beauty we’d need something to bring us down, and thankfully Gordon & co are there for us. And notice how “De Toppers” became “The Toppers”. Oh, Toppers, and you promised you wouldn’t change! I’m devastated by your treason. When we watched the Dutch national final we thought this song, while terribly oldfashioned, was more or less bearable. Now I’m thinking I was probably on drugs when I voiced that opinion. This whole thing is wrong wrong wrong wrong: from the slow build up, to the Done-By-Slovenia-Ages-Ago lights in their hands, to the cheesy lyrics (“love will make us glow in the dark –that’ll be a nuisance, won’t it-, open up your heart”) and not even the keychange redeems it. If they make it through (which I hope they don’t) it’s on the merit of being the last performance of the evening. That or a massive European lobotomy.

The Netherlands and Finland

Hind (and my god, does she have a funny name for English speakers) represents the Netherlands with the originally titled “Your heart belongs to me”. It does? Well… it might. This is another example of a poppy, happy song with a lot of Eastern influences. One could say the ethnic sounds are an attempt to gain some Eastern European sympathy, but I don’t care (You’ve probably already noticed that in Eurovision, Eastern Europe is seen as at least as powerful as the Mafia. They’re like the father you have to work hard to please, the teacher you don’t want to disappoint.). To me this is a decent pop song, sung by a sexy lady (hel-lo there, Hind) wearing nothing more than a short coat. Forget trousers, Hind, the outfit’s great this way!



Finland sends the rock group Teräsbetoni with Missä Miehet Ratsastaa.
Ever since Finland’s first ever win two years ago with a bunch of latex-masked monsters singing hardrock-pop (Lordi ESC 2006), they’ve been sending rock songs. Why cange a winning team, eh. Well, the fact that last year’s entry was one big flop might give them some food for thought, but apparently not. Now I don’t dislike rock. I think this song is decent enough, and I loved Norway’s Kiss –wannabes a few years back (Wig Wam ESC 2005) but come on, sweeties, where’s the glamour, where’s the humour. Mr Lordi wore a cute hat with the Finnish flag on his monsterhead, he had wings and fireworks! Wig Wam had spandex and a feather boa! These guys… well… some of them are shirtless, which is something, at least. But apart from that it appears to be a very “serious” rock song.
Oh go on, watch the clip. If only for the Finnish introduction.