Eurovision 2016: the semis

I've got a new tactic, it seems.
Not listen to anything (or a lot) beforehand and letting myself be surprised.
It's been my tactic for two years now, though not out of choice, mainly necessity. Or priorities. But it's nice. It's actually nice not to know what's coming, kind of like the rest of the world!
I loved being surprised by Israel's Golden Boy last year. The surprise still makes me happy this year.
And then this year... let's say I was surprised at some of the results.

Seriously, Europe, seriously?

Not letting Greta Salome through with the gloriously haunting "hear them calling" is nothing more or less than a crime against humanity.
How could you?

yes, it might have reminded you of Heroes, but who cares. It didn't stop you from letting "You are the only one" through, did it. 

And then my other gem. My precious: San Marino's Serhat!
How glorious was that?! The suit! The silver-clad ladies! The 80s throwback. Instant Eurovision classic!

But no love for San Marino... now I know I might never be considered the "norm" but honestly!
Have some Serhat. Relive the madness, the gloriousness, the fabulousness that you just didn't appreciate. Shame on you. 

And then my kids' favourite: the man with the wolves.
Now when I say "favourite" this should be taken with a grain of salt. None of the three seem to have inherited the Eurovision gene. We don't understand how this is possible, it must be a statistical anomaly. Perhaps when they're older and they see Eurovision as the key to a night staying up late and eating crisps in front of the telly, the love will grow. (of course that's not blackmail). Any time we try to show them some Eurovision the oldest starts rolling his eyes, and -with him being the oldest and therefor the key example to his brothers- the other two agree with him. Eurovision, apparently, is for girls.
Ha.
He's obviously never taken a close look at the audience.
There's one exception though: "The man with the wolves".
I actually like the song. I do. The boys like wolves. "But why is the wolf sitting there? And why is that man naked? Why is he dressed now? Why is there a baby? Why do you say he's a cylon?"
Hush, child, it's Eurovision, just go with it. 

I would have loved to see Ivan again at the final. If only because my kids can't believe someone with wolves can actually lose a contest.
He had wolves! 
(though perhaps Mans Zemerlow and *his* wolf were a tad more appealing)

I have a weakspot for the Balkan Ballad, everyone knows that. I also have a weak spot for Deen. Everyone also knows that. Oh my little twink of the balkans, shaking his ass to in the disco.
I could write sonnets for him.
Now the little twink is all grown up, lost his hair, grew a beard and acted butch.
And that's all good and well, even if the barb wire imagery is a bit OTT for me. But a rapper? Really? They couldn't have left him in Bosnia&Herzegovina? 

For me those are the ones that were left behind in the semis.
I'd have gladly traded them for say Malta, Georgia (honestly!) or Serbia.
 

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Maya Sar – Korake Ti Znam

Hmz. And the difference between my lacklustre response now compared to Zeljko? Just like with Estonia: not enough Bombastic Red Army, too much regular ballad. Meh.

Gay disco stompers at Eurovision -part 1

One of my favourite songs from 2011 was (the shamefully and totally undeserved only 22nd placed) "What about my dreams" by Kati Wolf. It has everything a good gay torch song/disco stomper needs: a strong (female) vocal, lyrics about self-realisation and emancipation, a short ugly dress and a wind machine.
If it weren't for the distracting backing dancers with the lit-up crotch, this might have won the whole thing.

Ok. It wouldn't have won. But a girl can dream, right?




Now if only she'd looked a bit more at the staging of Iceland's 2010 entry "Je ne sais quoi": fantastic discobeat, lyrics, great singing, sparkles and a smidgeon of pink (in the form of Eurobandid's Fridrik Omar) in the backing choir. Again finishing a disappointingly in a 19th place, but -if it's any consolation to Hera Björk and I imagine it is- she's got a big hit in this household.



Speaking of Iceland, this seems as good a time as any to remind you all of the other dose of fabulousness (and yes, that same guy from the backing choir - talk about recycling): Eurobandid's "This is my life". Written by Pall Oskar, another Eurovision legend, and placing 14th in the final, it had me make my own Icelandic flag to wave about during the contest. You'd be amazed how hard it is to find Icelandic flags in Belgium... who'd have thought.
Just look at how thrilled these people are to be there. If I could sing and dance -and most importantly walk in high heels-, that's how happy *I* would look to be on stage at Eurovision.



And I cannot end my first ever "gay disco stompers at Eurovision"-entry without the fantastic, the amazing, the "are they kidding me"-entry from 2004: Deen from Bosnia & Herzegovina.
My little Bosnian prince with the Dolce & Gabanna jeans, whatever happened to you? And what to think of those lyrics "I'm lying, I'm late, I'm losing my weight, because I want to dance all night..." and "kiss me and turn me slow, up and down, here we go". Yeah baby! Look at Deen shaking it for what he's worth and grabbing a 9th place which, granted will have more to do with the balkan votes than with the fabulousness of it al. Yet it re-installed my faith in humanity and its taste for bad disco music at the time (I was blissfully in denial of bloc voting back then). I love you, Deen!



Part 1 of many I should think, seeing as I just realised I haven't even started on Sakis Rouvas, Dana International, Ani Lorak, Charlotte Perelli, the god-fearing Carola and that guy with the cockring from 2005...!

Bosnia&Herzegovina: Dino Merlin - Love in rewind

Dino Merlin! You know, I was fully prepared to hate this one: no twinky gay boys, no Dramatic Poses, no red flags and not a hint of the bombastic communist army orchestra coming to get us. But then this song wormed its way into my head and it’s stuck there, people. It’s stuck. And then there’s the utterly fabulous ridiculous –not to mention hilarious- dance steps when all of a sudden old Dino is like a slightly drunk uncle at your wedding (which I hope don’t distract from the performance), and there’s waving at the end. Waving! Well then, there you go!Apparently Mister Merlin (I’m sorry, I can’t help but snicker at the name) is a huuuuge star in the Balkan, which is always handy. And with a song like this... and a name like that... Even despite the lack of gay boys, it’s going to win. Quite rightly so.
But what the hell does “Sito” mean?

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Vukasin Brajic - Lightning and thunder

What’s going on with my favourite Balkan countries? They’ve used up all their talent in previous years? They couldn’t have sent Deen again? Urgh. Boring epic rock ballad.

Bosnia & Herzegovina– Regina – Bistra Voda

Oh, the intense balkan ballad, how I’ve missed you! With communist military drumming in the background, indecipherable lyrics and ballet dancers strutting about with red flags… oh, it’s enough to make the capitalists break out in hives. Wonderfully weird, but not exactly one you’ll be singing along to. Loving it, loving it, loving it. Now if only I knew what the hell you were singing about.

Bosnia & Herzegovina and Armenia

Bosnia & Herzegovina scare me this year. They usually send us a typical Balkan ballad, something folky or a typical Eurovision queen (seriously, click on that link, you won’t regret it). This year however, they’re sending Pokusaj with Laka. The lyrics, in case they’re singing the English version, go something like “I don’t want to be a wacky boy, we are living in this wacky world”. Interesting. The video shows a French maid with a crazy guy, who's arrying a live chicken (no live animals at Eurovision, thank you very much). In the background, farmhands are acting out some weird choreography and there’s plenty of meaningful gazing into the camera. At one point, the French maid transforms into the Bosnian version of Björk –without the shrieking- and starts flopping about on stage like she’s chased by a serial killer. She’s not, but at this point I wish she was. The music is at some places quite decent, but then it’s ruined again. Well, for me anyway. Also, in the video, pay attention to how unimpressed the studio audience looks. It’s probably the most entertaining thing about this whole song.



Armenia is relatively new to Eurovision and they tend to do well (Don’t mention block voting! Don’t mention block voting! I mean, come on, they send a man singing a ballad in front of a cardboard tree covered in paper and still take 8th place?! I don’t see a lot of countries following that example). Sirusho should ease into the final with Qele Qele, and not just due to block voting. The song starts off with some serious er… shouting, which will be impressive as long as she manages to keep it in tune. The lyrics are hardly Shakespearian quality (“instead of watching me, you should be reaching me. Come Qele, move Qele”), the accent is cute, but honey… seriously…Not wanting to look like a slut is fantastic. I commend you for it, I really do. But you don’t have to look like you’ve just worn something to rush to the supermarket. “I’m off to Eurovision, what should I wear? Oh I know, my jeans and this ratty old sweater. That’ll be good enough. And I’ll get the girls from next-door to wear their gym clothes and they can dance backing. Brilliant!”. No no no, give me some glamour! Thankfully Sirusho makes up for her wardrobe choices by including the Eurovision Clichés of playback-drumming on stage (+10 points) and fake Riverdance (+20 points).