Slovenia: Maja Keuc- No one

No sweetie, too many hand movements. And there shall be no dancing when attempting to sing a powerful ballad. All very distracting. Watch a few Chiara performances (yeah, as long as she’s not taking part I’m willing to refer to her) to really get the hang of it. But good on you for braving the stormy winds on stage. Unfortunately, for whatever reason -probably the Mariah-esque handmovements- this leaves me ice cold. Meh.

Romania: Hotel FM – Change

Go Romania for not sending a slutty girl singing “the balkan girls they like to party, like to party like nobody”. For that alone you deserve a place in the final. Unfortunately you have written the most boring chorus since those guys from the Netherlands, which is quite impressive. I predict a “Come on everybody! Clap along”-moment though, so –despite my misgivings about such things at Eurovision- not all is lost.

Estonia: Getter Jaani- Rockefeller street

Miss Jaani can’t decide whether this is a singing competition or a modelling show. So to be on the safe side, she strikes many a pose in her horrid, horrid pink-blue-yellow waldrobe-malfunction-waiting-to-happen. She brought her brother and his friends (or well, I think that’s what they are) along to hop alongside her and to help her count “one two seven three”! I’m too oldfashioned for this stuff. The song is nice though. It is. If they don’t build a trainwreck dress and performance around it. And if they can carry a tune live, which I’m not so sure about watching the video.

Belarus: Anastasiya Vinnikova- I Love Belarus

You might not have guessed, but this is the entry for Belarus. Moldova singing a song called “I love Belarus” would be quite ridiculous. And there’s always one isn’t there... one country that has to send a patriottic song to the contest. One country that seems to think this contest is about showcasing national talent and the beauty of your country. Ha! Idiots! Let’s count the times André mentions that “Belarus is the last European dictatorship” shall we. In case you were wondering what Belarus looks like: “We're gonna fly watching lakes in their full view
Fields are full of gold, and it's all my land”. Extra points if she bring the folk dancers in native costumes with her. And if she inspires scores of western-European countries to sing songs like this next year “I love Belgium! Country full of fries! I love Belgium! With our grey skies!”

Latvia: Musiqq - Angel in Disguise

And our third mention of angels for the evening. Don’t know about you, but I’ve had quite enough of them. Overrated white winged pests! For this one let me just quote the lyrics, they say more (more!) than enough: “Kill me with killa kiss / Kill me with tempting lips / Stare at me with candy eyes / Love me with luscious thighs”. That must be the first mention of “luscious thighs” in a Eurovision song contest! It makes a change from the fire/desire rhyme. And go them for bringing a rapper out of retirement. If it weren’t for Eurovision all the European rappers would be on the dole, so go Eurovision, for saving our social security! Oh, and sweetie, lay off the high note.

Denmark: A friend in London - New Tomorrow

“A friend in Copenhagen” wasn’t catchy enough or something? This is pretty cute though, despite the very 80s haircut. Maybe it’s the way they say “crasy crasy world”. Cute! I just want to run up and pinch his cheeks. Three minutes can be a long time though... but I think Dino might just have a bit of competition. (The wife is grumbling about “horrifying” and “are you out of your mind”, so perhaps Dino is still safe)

Ireland: Jedward – Lipstick

I can’t believe I didn’t know Jedward were taking part. I mean, I have no clue who they are, but I’ve heard of them and I’ve seen them on ‘Never mind the Buzzcocks’ and well.... Ireland didn’t send a singing turkey this year but it’s not that far off really. They really, really don’t have the money to host another contest do they? But hey, Ireland, guess what? I’m voting for this crap! It’s so horribly bad it’s actually pretty fantastic! It’s the closest thing to Verka Serduchka in this year’s competition. Or yes, to Dustin the Turkey. Go Jedward! “Ooooh ooooooh am I heading for a car crash? Hey!!!