Ukraine: Mika Newton – Angel

Quite possibly there’s a law that states that every Eurovision must have a song called “Angel” in it. It’s probably up there in the rule book with “not over 3 minutes”, “no politics” and “no live chickens”. And there really is no shortage of hot women in the Ukraine, is there? Where do they keep finding them? Is there a Eurovision-training facility? Points for the feather dress and the hot gymnasts. Shame about the lack of disco stomping beats.

Moldova: Zdob si Zdub- So lucky

Remember these guys? They’re the ones that brought their grandma on stage in 2005. And apparently they had such a blast that they couldn’t wait to come back. An utterly repetitive song (count the times they say the words “So lucky”) but for me it’s a breath of fresh air in this boring semi-final. Go Moldova! Finally some dancing!

Sweden: Eric Saade – Popular

Aaah, a hot guy singing a dull soulless dance song about “being popular”: this must be Eurovision. Bring on the pyro, how very Sakis of Sweden. Needless to say I’m a big fan. And for the most perverted misheard lyrics in Eurovision ever. I had to go look it up because I couldn’t believe my ears. Turns out I’m just a big pervert. “My body wants you girl, I’ll get you when I’m popular”. Yes, well. I thought the “when” was er... something else. Listen for yourself! It’s an easy mistake to make!

Cyprus: Christos Mylordos - San Aggelos S'Agapisa

Christos Mylordos... the only guy who could take the title of “awesomest name ever” away from Dino Merlin. Exactly the kind of tortured song (sung in Greek, if I’m not mistaken) that I love. I’m hoping for an appropriate stage setting, some excellent backing vocals and some charisma. And the second mention of angels in one night. Dear lord!

Bulgaria: Poli Genova - Na Inat

And you can keep the dramatic stage setting for this one. I think I’ve found the Wife’s favourite song (without her even having heard it yet), judging by the singer, the wind machine and the female musicians (oh hang on, I’ve spotted a man there). To put it in her words: “it’s a bunch of women. With guitars. Of course I love it.” The Wife is a sucker for rock chicks with questionable hairdos. Oh god... I hope she won’t want to cut her hair that way...

FYR Macedonia: Vlatko Ilievski – Rusinka

I was just going to say that this Semi-final was on a roll (I was even going to add a shout out of “yeah baby!”, it was all going to be terribly embarrassing) until the singer started. So that means after some 10 excellent seconds, the song is all but ruined. No. I wouldn’t go that far, but after a frankly fantastic start... the rest is just... a bit meh. Meh, with bombastic folk singing and dancing however, so there is that.

Israel: Dana International – Ding Dong

There she comes, shriding on stage like a blushing bride. This woman does stairs like no-one else. Dana isn’t one to let anyone steal the limelight. She can do no wrong here, after becoming the first (and only) transsexual winner of Eurovision and co-writing the amazing “fire in your eyes” (2008 - the one with the hot dancing jewish boys), I’ll forgive her the nasal singing and the crappy song. After all, it’s the return of the traditional “switch to Hebrew” halfway through the song. We sure love our traditions. You go on and show Carola what a wind machine was made for, Dana!
(And kudos to the guy at Eurosong.be for consistently spelling “coming” as “comming”. Very appropriate)