Spain: Lucía Pérez - Que me quiten lo bailao

Again Spain have the best draw of the lot and we can count on them to send in the exact same song they’ve been sending to Eurovision before (apart from when they go for the ridiculous). It sounds like a Belle Perez B-side and I might have to take back what I said about Blue making the cheapest video of the lot. Then again, no, Spain spent money on costumes. And feathers. There must be a lot of naked chickens running around Spain at the moment. The song may not do much for me, but I’d sure like to go to that party (come on! There are people dressed up as penguins! How could I not?).

Semi-Final 2: Merlin's Mylordos and his luscious thighs

Because a Semi Final 1 without a Semi Final 2 would be... well, it would be like Eurovision without a wind machine!

Bosnia&Herzegovina: Dino Merlin - Love in rewind

Dino Merlin! You know, I was fully prepared to hate this one: no twinky gay boys, no Dramatic Poses, no red flags and not a hint of the bombastic communist army orchestra coming to get us. But then this song wormed its way into my head and it’s stuck there, people. It’s stuck. And then there’s the utterly fabulous ridiculous –not to mention hilarious- dance steps when all of a sudden old Dino is like a slightly drunk uncle at your wedding (which I hope don’t distract from the performance), and there’s waving at the end. Waving! Well then, there you go!Apparently Mister Merlin (I’m sorry, I can’t help but snicker at the name) is a huuuuge star in the Balkan, which is always handy. And with a song like this... and a name like that... Even despite the lack of gay boys, it’s going to win. Quite rightly so.
But what the hell does “Sito” mean?

Austria : Nadine Beiler – The Secret is love

Disney ballad, bla bla bla, good voice, I predict a long flowing gown, lots of smoke and dramatic hand gestures, possible appearance of Andrew Lloyd-Webber... or wait, no, he’s not always on standby. Pity. Wake me up when Chiara storms on stage to hit her over the head with the wind machine.

The Netherlands: 3Js – Never alone

Hmm.I can think of absolutely nothing to say about this. Which is probably not a good sign. Not bad, not bad, a pity they forgot to write a recognisable chorus. Let’s hope they dress appealingly in order to bring out their best assets. Yes, sexism is allowed. This is Eurovision.

Belgium: Witloof Bay – with love baby

Yes, the group name is funny. And how apt that the Walloons are yet again sending a group comprised of people from all over the country. But a capella doesn’t work at Eurovision. It doesn’t. Read my lips, Belgium, A CAPELLA DOES NOT WORK AT EUROVISION. It’s boring. And the beatboxing is embarrassing. Surely I can’t be the first person to tell you this? Surely a million people have said this before me. Which begs the question, why on earth didn’t you listen?? People won’t vote for a song because they marvel at how well you can sing. They want to sing along, they want a stomping disco beat, wind machine, or something that moves them. A capella only moves the vocal masturbators. Aaargh!!

Slovakia: TWiiNS – I’m still alive

Two pouting dressed up barbie dolls singing a song. Twins, I presume? They already broke in the wind machine and the long earrings for their videoclip. But apparently someone thought flattering shots of the girls for three minutes would be boring, so they edited in sports games, a political rally, a natural disaster and a birth. Hmz. I wonder how they’ll fit that in on stage...
Oh, and as someone who was very nearly practically giving birth during the song contest last year, let me tell you: newborns don’t look like that. That is all.