Winning Eurovision has its benefits: you get a glass-studded dildo, the praise of millions of Europeans, a couple of mentions on Line Out, and in Dima Bilan's case you even get a street named after you. A street!! Why not rename the whole city while they're at it? "Dima Bilantown", come on Medvedev, you know you want to...
Unfortunately winning Eurovision also has its drawbacks. Apart from costing your home country millions of Euros (or Roubles) to organise this campfest, there's also the hatred of millions of Europeans, you invariably get accused of plagiarism (every single year) and this time bad halfnude photos resurface with whispered gossip of "gay porn"and "escort".
Not in Russia, of course, where Dima is well on the way to sainthood (hey, the man resurrects ballerinas and little kids, I'd like to see you try it!), but pretty much everywhere else.
But look what a sex scandal did for George Michael's career! It can only increase his popularity in the gay community. And what else could Dima be aiming for? It's all one big plot to make this boring song a tad more interesting. I bet the KGB's involved....
Friday, May 30, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Eurovision Final recap
For me the excitement is less than it was during the semis because we’ve already seen 19 of the 25 songs performed. Still, we’re all pretty happy, dressed as we are as either “random Eurovision fans”, Denmark, Azerbaijan (pretty impressive display there), Belgium/Iceland (a combination) and “er… I’ve got a green T-shirt… I’ll be Greece”. Some people really don’t make enough of an effort. (our photos, and photos of random Eurovision parties)
Bart and André are still the Belgian commentators
Marija Serifovic comes on in suit and tie to sing Molitva. She’s pretty excited and her singing isn’t spot on, but it’s still pretty impressive. Behind her dozens of lesbian weddings take place, including her own (1.40 minutes into the clip). According to Andre this is a big “fuck you” to the homophobic climate in Serbia (66% of Serbs thinks gays are ill) and we can only applaud that. Gay marriage, a hot topic even in Eurovision! Bart tells us that “if you imagine the dancers aren’t wearing those strips of plastic pretending to be dresses, they’d be naked”. Erm. Yes. If I wasn’t wearing my clothes, I’d be naked too. Way to go, Bart.
The hosts come on, Jovana wrapped in a curtain, exchange fake-kisses and start boozing. So do we.
Romania follows the Eurovision fashion trend: Nico is now also dressed in a little silver dress. She’s also gone for the Botox, but sadly not enough. Half-botox is as ridiculous as Full-botox but then WITH wrinkles. Vlad seems to like the new outfit though. He still hates her, but he’s also got a little perverse smile from time to time. Steady on, Vlad. Romania came 20th
The UK comes on and look! It’s Belgium’s entry from last year. Andy is dressed in a one of the jackets from Scooch. He’s enthusiastic though. Pretty lights! Pretty fireworks! And that’s about it. No, UK, I don’t hate you, I don’t hate your involvement in wars (well, I do, but that’s not the point). The reason you’re not getting any points from me and the rest of Europe is because, while this is an okay song, it’s *still* just an okay song. And that’s the worst thing you can be in Eurovision. Even a horrible song is sure to get some votes (look at Germany). I’m sure Terry Wogan loved it though. Uk came last
The girl from Albania is probably nervous, because her singing tonight is way off key. Everyone’s stressed tonight it seems. That or Charlotte from Sweden sabotaged everyone’s earphones. I don’t know why, but she seems like the kind of person who’d do that. Nothing would surprise me from her. Olta Boka is probably the only 16-year-old in the world without a bellybutton piercing. Congratulations for that, sweetie. 17th
The horrid singers from Germany are dressed in pastel plastic tubes. Why? 1 poof on the sofa says “that’s the type of woman he’d fall for”. We all stare at him in horror. Thank god he’s gay. The girls sing “it won’t get better” and at least they’re being honest. Not even the German on the sofa can defend this any longer and his little German flag droops lower and lower. The blonde gets the prize for worst vocal of the evening. Congratulations, Germany. For some reason Bulgaria gave this their 12 (Bribery? An infection of tonedeafness?). They still came only 23rd
Armenia sang better than in the semi, but it still fails to impress us. The Girlfriend shrieks in horror at the clowns on the postcards. Clowns are scary! 4th place thanks to diaspora votes
Bosnia & Herzegovina is still fabulous. We now see that the female singer has birds in her hair. “Isn’t that off-key?” someone carefully remarks. “It’s all part of the act” we’re quick to reply. I just realised… Since this country is called “Bosnia AND Herzegovina” does that mean they might also split into a “Bosnia” and a “Herzegovina”, and if they do, what will be the implications for Eurovision? Good god, it doesn’t bear thinking about. 10th
A little interval to promote Belgrade; A lot of people are watching the contest outside the arena. The message is “the arena wasn’t big enough to hold all the people who wanted to watch this wonderful event”. You could have tried selling them tickets to the Semis then, you eejits.
Israel sparks the old “boring” or “beautiful” discussion on the sofa. In the end we’re all agreed it’s great, but I suspect the singer’s hotness has a lot to do with that. His backings still to their “we’re crushing grapes to make wine”-dance in the middle of the song. It works. I wish the guys were all holding hands Molitva-style. Perhaps a tip for next year. 9th
The rockers from Finland are fake. We base this on the fact that the lead singer’s hair is combed and washed. The Girlfriend says he looks like a member of the Kelly Family. And there’s the botox of course. Were there always two shirtless members of the band or did they add one? “Get the gay vote, you”. 22nd
The sofa wonders if the grandad from Croatia still has teeth. He does, but we’re not sure they’re his own. He’s still angry though, isn’t he. I’m the only one of the Sofa that likes this. I conclude that everyone else is wrong and I’m right. As usual. a disappointing 21st place
We’re fascinated by Poland’s breasts. They’re quite surreal. So is the rest of her really. The song is absolute horrible drivel. “It sounds like another song”, yeah, like any other song. The sofa has a collective smoking break. 24th!
Iceland is still every rainbow colour of fabulousness! Bart says the pink details on their clothes, and the title of the song are a shout-out to the gay community. What? Gay? You’re kidding?! We’re in shock… Gays at Eurovision… 14th (go on, have yet another look)
Turkey’s singer now reminds us of both Sylar (Heroes) and mister Spock. Our very own Star Trek-geek is chuffed to tell us that the actor playing the young Spock in the new Star Trek film is the guy playing Sylar in Heroes. But first he’s trying to win Eurovision obviously. 7th
Bart tells us that the chorus of Portugal is very reminiscent of a slow version of Army of Lovers’ Crucified. I love Army of Lovers. And I love Portugal. The sofa is still divided. Some people are saying Vania’s husband probably killed herself, others are just scared of her. Go, Portugal! Portugal finished only 13th
Bart and André call Latvia’s presence in the final the biggest slap in the face for Belgium. After this final we’re going to find out that Belgium came second-to-last in our semi. Second to last! Not much reason to be smug now is there. The funniest thing about this is the few gay fans with pirate flags in the audience. Gay pirates! 12th. Shame on you, Europe
“Revenge of the cat people” Spikey calls Sweden. Charlotte’s head is wider than her hips, how is that even physically possible. Sweden has a great song, but for some reason it doesn’t come across as well as it should. Something’s missing. Passion perhaps? Or food? Or hot male backing singers? We think one of the backings stole Terry Wogan’s wig. a very disappointing –for a previous winner- 18th place. Yep, that’s lower than the pirates
Denmark prompts the Girlfriend to change channels. Everyone likes this piece of crappy uplifting music. The girlfriend and I don’t. 15th
Georgia prompts the few first-time 2008-Eurovisioners to say “Oh, she’s blind, so that’s why she’s not looking into the camera?”. Apparently it ‘s also why she didn’t smile when she’d finished singing, or say “thank you, Europe” in a Georgian accent. “Wouldn’t it be funny if they’d just turned her around so she’s no longer facing the audience” someone says. Shht! No blind jokes! First the blind, before you know it even gays will start taking part in this contest! Where will it all end? 11th for Piss will come
Ooh! Gays in a box! Ukraine still has the best act by miles. Go, Ani Lorak! 2nd
France comes on in a golf buggy, that’s two points extra. He’ll need all the points he can get, despite his song being pretty fantastic… His backing singers –including the women- are wearing fake beards, like the man himself. He’s wearing sunglasses “Is he blind as well?” the sofa asks. Well, if he is at least *he* can walk on stage and even drive a golf buggy, take that Georgia! 19th
Our friend who came dressed as the angel from Azerbaijan finds her wings attacked by the cats. What can I say, they like feathers. The devil’s hair has grown inexplicably since the first semi -It’s obvious satanic forces are at work here- he now looks like a blond Jean-Pierre Barda from Army of Lovers. 8th
Greece is still Britney Spears, slutty dancing, nasal, whatever you want to call it. For some reason this actually came… 3rd. What is wrong with you people?
Spain’s backing dancers have impressive boobs and Rodolfo himself is quite the Spanish macho. “Show us your string” becomes a theme in this Eurovision and Spain gets 20 points extra for laughing with Jesus (at some point Rodolfo pretends to be crucified). After the show they cut to a guy waving a Spanish flag in the audience. Unfortunately a Eurovision Queen is frantically giving the “thumbs down” next to him. Oops. 16th
Serbia has the typical Zeljko entrance and the obligatory Vangelis moment. The dead dancers around her feet come to life and half the Sofa is swept away, while the other half has fallen asleep. 6th – Serbia’s worst result so far
Russia believes in Bad English, Bart quips. And boy does he ever, his eyebrows lead a life of their own and “he looked better in his tank top”. He turns his ice-skating buddy around and “My god! It’s Plushenko!”, we hadn’t expected him there. Plushenko skates “El Maikelyason” while the violinist hammers away. We see a trend where every country will bring their top sportsmen to Eurovision next year. We’ll force Henin and Clijsters out of retirement and they can play tennis in the background of the Belgian entry. It should give us the win. Winner. Urgh.
Norway has gone for the “now 70% more seductive” performance of their ballad. Lots of “ooh”-ing and “aah”-ing and sexy hand gestures. I like. I’m still not thrilled with the song, but it’s ok. 5th
So it’s Moscow 2009 for Eurovision. I can’t say I loved the song, but it's classic Eurovision kitsch. The televoting makes the top scores of every country very predictable (e.g. Belgium gives 10 to Turkey and 12 to Armenia every single year, regardless of the song) and it would be nice if they could find something to lessen the effects of this. But to win you need votes from more than just your neighbours and emigrants, and Bilan got points from 36 out of 42 countries. Not much you can say against that, now is there.
I just heard that Russia will be naming a street after Dima Bilan. A street! You win Eurovison and you get a street named after you… that’s how serious they take Eurovision overthere.
Here’s the winning performance for those who need an overdose of saccharine sweetness and a barechested Russian with a street to be named after him:
If only the countries in the final had had the right to vote the result would have still been pretty much the same, though Iceland would have made the top ten.
The top ten of the sofa is pretty different though:
1st place: Iceland (woohoo!)
2nd: Bosnia & Herzegovina
3rd: Ukraine
4th: Israel
5th: Portugal
6th: Serbia
7th: Azerbaijan
8th: Denmark
joint 9th: Croatia / Spain
Bart and André are still the Belgian commentators
Marija Serifovic comes on in suit and tie to sing Molitva. She’s pretty excited and her singing isn’t spot on, but it’s still pretty impressive. Behind her dozens of lesbian weddings take place, including her own (1.40 minutes into the clip). According to Andre this is a big “fuck you” to the homophobic climate in Serbia (66% of Serbs thinks gays are ill) and we can only applaud that. Gay marriage, a hot topic even in Eurovision! Bart tells us that “if you imagine the dancers aren’t wearing those strips of plastic pretending to be dresses, they’d be naked”. Erm. Yes. If I wasn’t wearing my clothes, I’d be naked too. Way to go, Bart.
The hosts come on, Jovana wrapped in a curtain, exchange fake-kisses and start boozing. So do we.
Romania follows the Eurovision fashion trend: Nico is now also dressed in a little silver dress. She’s also gone for the Botox, but sadly not enough. Half-botox is as ridiculous as Full-botox but then WITH wrinkles. Vlad seems to like the new outfit though. He still hates her, but he’s also got a little perverse smile from time to time. Steady on, Vlad. Romania came 20th
The UK comes on and look! It’s Belgium’s entry from last year. Andy is dressed in a one of the jackets from Scooch. He’s enthusiastic though. Pretty lights! Pretty fireworks! And that’s about it. No, UK, I don’t hate you, I don’t hate your involvement in wars (well, I do, but that’s not the point). The reason you’re not getting any points from me and the rest of Europe is because, while this is an okay song, it’s *still* just an okay song. And that’s the worst thing you can be in Eurovision. Even a horrible song is sure to get some votes (look at Germany). I’m sure Terry Wogan loved it though. Uk came last
The girl from Albania is probably nervous, because her singing tonight is way off key. Everyone’s stressed tonight it seems. That or Charlotte from Sweden sabotaged everyone’s earphones. I don’t know why, but she seems like the kind of person who’d do that. Nothing would surprise me from her. Olta Boka is probably the only 16-year-old in the world without a bellybutton piercing. Congratulations for that, sweetie. 17th
The horrid singers from Germany are dressed in pastel plastic tubes. Why? 1 poof on the sofa says “that’s the type of woman he’d fall for”. We all stare at him in horror. Thank god he’s gay. The girls sing “it won’t get better” and at least they’re being honest. Not even the German on the sofa can defend this any longer and his little German flag droops lower and lower. The blonde gets the prize for worst vocal of the evening. Congratulations, Germany. For some reason Bulgaria gave this their 12 (Bribery? An infection of tonedeafness?). They still came only 23rd
Armenia sang better than in the semi, but it still fails to impress us. The Girlfriend shrieks in horror at the clowns on the postcards. Clowns are scary! 4th place thanks to diaspora votes
Bosnia & Herzegovina is still fabulous. We now see that the female singer has birds in her hair. “Isn’t that off-key?” someone carefully remarks. “It’s all part of the act” we’re quick to reply. I just realised… Since this country is called “Bosnia AND Herzegovina” does that mean they might also split into a “Bosnia” and a “Herzegovina”, and if they do, what will be the implications for Eurovision? Good god, it doesn’t bear thinking about. 10th
A little interval to promote Belgrade; A lot of people are watching the contest outside the arena. The message is “the arena wasn’t big enough to hold all the people who wanted to watch this wonderful event”. You could have tried selling them tickets to the Semis then, you eejits.
Israel sparks the old “boring” or “beautiful” discussion on the sofa. In the end we’re all agreed it’s great, but I suspect the singer’s hotness has a lot to do with that. His backings still to their “we’re crushing grapes to make wine”-dance in the middle of the song. It works. I wish the guys were all holding hands Molitva-style. Perhaps a tip for next year. 9th
The rockers from Finland are fake. We base this on the fact that the lead singer’s hair is combed and washed. The Girlfriend says he looks like a member of the Kelly Family. And there’s the botox of course. Were there always two shirtless members of the band or did they add one? “Get the gay vote, you”. 22nd
The sofa wonders if the grandad from Croatia still has teeth. He does, but we’re not sure they’re his own. He’s still angry though, isn’t he. I’m the only one of the Sofa that likes this. I conclude that everyone else is wrong and I’m right. As usual. a disappointing 21st place
We’re fascinated by Poland’s breasts. They’re quite surreal. So is the rest of her really. The song is absolute horrible drivel. “It sounds like another song”, yeah, like any other song. The sofa has a collective smoking break. 24th!
Iceland is still every rainbow colour of fabulousness! Bart says the pink details on their clothes, and the title of the song are a shout-out to the gay community. What? Gay? You’re kidding?! We’re in shock… Gays at Eurovision… 14th (go on, have yet another look)
Turkey’s singer now reminds us of both Sylar (Heroes) and mister Spock. Our very own Star Trek-geek is chuffed to tell us that the actor playing the young Spock in the new Star Trek film is the guy playing Sylar in Heroes. But first he’s trying to win Eurovision obviously. 7th
Bart tells us that the chorus of Portugal is very reminiscent of a slow version of Army of Lovers’ Crucified. I love Army of Lovers. And I love Portugal. The sofa is still divided. Some people are saying Vania’s husband probably killed herself, others are just scared of her. Go, Portugal! Portugal finished only 13th
Bart and André call Latvia’s presence in the final the biggest slap in the face for Belgium. After this final we’re going to find out that Belgium came second-to-last in our semi. Second to last! Not much reason to be smug now is there. The funniest thing about this is the few gay fans with pirate flags in the audience. Gay pirates! 12th. Shame on you, Europe
“Revenge of the cat people” Spikey calls Sweden. Charlotte’s head is wider than her hips, how is that even physically possible. Sweden has a great song, but for some reason it doesn’t come across as well as it should. Something’s missing. Passion perhaps? Or food? Or hot male backing singers? We think one of the backings stole Terry Wogan’s wig. a very disappointing –for a previous winner- 18th place. Yep, that’s lower than the pirates
Denmark prompts the Girlfriend to change channels. Everyone likes this piece of crappy uplifting music. The girlfriend and I don’t. 15th
Georgia prompts the few first-time 2008-Eurovisioners to say “Oh, she’s blind, so that’s why she’s not looking into the camera?”. Apparently it ‘s also why she didn’t smile when she’d finished singing, or say “thank you, Europe” in a Georgian accent. “Wouldn’t it be funny if they’d just turned her around so she’s no longer facing the audience” someone says. Shht! No blind jokes! First the blind, before you know it even gays will start taking part in this contest! Where will it all end? 11th for Piss will come
Ooh! Gays in a box! Ukraine still has the best act by miles. Go, Ani Lorak! 2nd
France comes on in a golf buggy, that’s two points extra. He’ll need all the points he can get, despite his song being pretty fantastic… His backing singers –including the women- are wearing fake beards, like the man himself. He’s wearing sunglasses “Is he blind as well?” the sofa asks. Well, if he is at least *he* can walk on stage and even drive a golf buggy, take that Georgia! 19th
Our friend who came dressed as the angel from Azerbaijan finds her wings attacked by the cats. What can I say, they like feathers. The devil’s hair has grown inexplicably since the first semi -It’s obvious satanic forces are at work here- he now looks like a blond Jean-Pierre Barda from Army of Lovers. 8th
Greece is still Britney Spears, slutty dancing, nasal, whatever you want to call it. For some reason this actually came… 3rd. What is wrong with you people?
Spain’s backing dancers have impressive boobs and Rodolfo himself is quite the Spanish macho. “Show us your string” becomes a theme in this Eurovision and Spain gets 20 points extra for laughing with Jesus (at some point Rodolfo pretends to be crucified). After the show they cut to a guy waving a Spanish flag in the audience. Unfortunately a Eurovision Queen is frantically giving the “thumbs down” next to him. Oops. 16th
Serbia has the typical Zeljko entrance and the obligatory Vangelis moment. The dead dancers around her feet come to life and half the Sofa is swept away, while the other half has fallen asleep. 6th – Serbia’s worst result so far
Russia believes in Bad English, Bart quips. And boy does he ever, his eyebrows lead a life of their own and “he looked better in his tank top”. He turns his ice-skating buddy around and “My god! It’s Plushenko!”, we hadn’t expected him there. Plushenko skates “El Maikelyason” while the violinist hammers away. We see a trend where every country will bring their top sportsmen to Eurovision next year. We’ll force Henin and Clijsters out of retirement and they can play tennis in the background of the Belgian entry. It should give us the win. Winner. Urgh.
Norway has gone for the “now 70% more seductive” performance of their ballad. Lots of “ooh”-ing and “aah”-ing and sexy hand gestures. I like. I’m still not thrilled with the song, but it’s ok. 5th
So it’s Moscow 2009 for Eurovision. I can’t say I loved the song, but it's classic Eurovision kitsch. The televoting makes the top scores of every country very predictable (e.g. Belgium gives 10 to Turkey and 12 to Armenia every single year, regardless of the song) and it would be nice if they could find something to lessen the effects of this. But to win you need votes from more than just your neighbours and emigrants, and Bilan got points from 36 out of 42 countries. Not much you can say against that, now is there.
I just heard that Russia will be naming a street after Dima Bilan. A street! You win Eurovison and you get a street named after you… that’s how serious they take Eurovision overthere.
Here’s the winning performance for those who need an overdose of saccharine sweetness and a barechested Russian with a street to be named after him:
If only the countries in the final had had the right to vote the result would have still been pretty much the same, though Iceland would have made the top ten.
The top ten of the sofa is pretty different though:
1st place: Iceland (woohoo!)
2nd: Bosnia & Herzegovina
3rd: Ukraine
4th: Israel
5th: Portugal
6th: Serbia
7th: Azerbaijan
8th: Denmark
joint 9th: Croatia / Spain
Friday, May 23, 2008
Eurovision semi 2: recap
It's the second semi-final and already I’m feeling the exhaustion. I really can’t handle that much excitement, I am getting older you know. This time we’re making do with Cornald, the Dutch commentator because Belgian TV is too cheap to show every single Eurovision event this year. Shame on you, VRT. And no I will not press my digital red button, you bastards! I don’t have one of those. And I don’t want one either. Cornald will do just fine, and he immediately welcomes “all the Flemish viewers” as well. Bit cocky, isn’t he.
There we go. The “Te Deum”, though the people humming it are now overgrown with grass. Eak! It’s probably Greece’s tropical garden from Tuesday… That’s what happens when you’re too cheap to get a gardener. What follow is the campest, kitschest spectacle since Tuesday’s Azerbaijani performance: A man with a horse coming out of his arse (with very cheap plastic hind legs), women in dresses that seem to made from that very same Greek tropical garden (Kalomira will be left with just a bald plastic heart on Saturday), a mega orgy with a knee swing (even Serbians miss Kate Ryan) and on come our intrepid presenters. Jovana waves at everyone like she’s the Queen of England (She learnt from the best) and Zeljko just grins. Serbian men, they’re so quiet.
The sofa entertains the possibility that Belgium might take part again, as a surprise. “You guys deserve a second chance”, because surely we do. Or perhaps we can be the interval act. We wouldn’t look out of place in the interval now would we.
Still, we proceed to the first performance and it’s the one I’ve been waiting for. The one I wore my big earrings for (before I immediately took them out again because those bastards hurt like hell), my slutty dress and my home-made Icelandic flag. Climaxing early can be a disappointment, but this one wasn’t. Iceland delivers The Camp in a fabulous way. The sofa grumbles something about “dull soulless dance music” and how his arms are nothing compared to Israel’s. Her arms however, that’s something else, she could probably beat Israel in armwrestling. Or just eat him alive, you don’t mess with her, that’s for sure. By the end of the song –during which I keep jumping up and down hyperactively- everyone agrees that they’re both great singers and deserve a place in the final. Go Iceland! Go Palli!
Now Sweden does disappoint me. Oh, she’s a great singer, sure. Her botoxed and surgeoned face is quite surreal and deserves points in itself. There’s also a glittery dildo to sing in, which is well… intriguing. Charlotte is so thin however that you can hardly see her behind the microphone stand. Eat a cookie, sweetheart, it won’t kill you. And is it just me or does the wind machine not reach its full potential? That’s just not done! Especially since this is Sweden, home of the wind machines!! It’s pretty likely Carola just sabotaged the thing in an effort to keep Charlotte from reaching the final. Between you and me, I think Carola is capable of just about anything. Oh! But there are shiny lasers! Pretty! Beam her up back to her planet, Scotty! It’s still good, but I expected so much more. I want Abba back.
Turkey is a big hit with a lot of people and I just didn’t get it tonight. It’s just boring to me. Gimme back some glamour. There’s not a gay man in sight! This is Eurovision, people, what are you thinking. I get scolded by the sofa for having said in my preview that the lead singer was cute. “He looks like an ugly Sylar” they say “and Steve Buscemi’s playing guitar”. Yeah… I suppose so. Sorry for misleading you, Sofa.
Thankfully the glamour is back with Ukraine: the best example of “coming out of the closet” I’ve ever seen! Obviously a shout out to all the shy gay teenagers watching Eurovision with mum and dad. Obviously. Ani Lorak performs the hell out of this song (take note of that performance, Charlotte). Her backing dancers are more fabulous than those of Sweden and Iceland put together and we start suspecting that no one at Eurovision Headquarters bothered turning off the wind machine between the songs (“they’ll all use it, let’s just leave it on”).I don’t think Shady Lady is anything special on CD, but like many Ukrainian entries, once you see it performed, it’s another matter entirely. The choreographer deserves a medal! And so does Ani. Do that thing again where you crawl on the closet… nice.
I’m turning into Terry Wogan. I can feel it. Someone save me.
Ah, Lithuania can do the trick. How nice of the contest to already give us a toilet break. They must’ve known we’d need one after all the excitement of the first four songs. Jeronimas is “lord of the rings” according to the Girlfriend and that weird pair of trousers does him no good. He does have a plasma TV for a belt buckle, I can imagine that’ll come in handy. The wind machine is still on and the Sofa is convinced that Jeronimas is a creature of the night. “If you don’t vote for me, I ‘ll eat your children”. The Serbians try to intervene with their “dry ice”, we think they’re trying to gas him so he’ll stop singing, but it doesn’t work. Three minutes can last an awfully long time. Glad that’s over.
Cornald tells us Albania is about how sometimes you have to suffer for love. No need to tell us about suffering, we just sat through three minutes of it! She’s wearing a vest that’s too short (“you’ll catch a cold like that”), she’s young and probably a bit scared and the Sofa wonders if she shouldn’t be at school. And what on earth is she singing about. It’s still nice though.
Ah Switzerland. Way to confuse us with a title like “Era Stupendo” which, according to Cornald means “it was/would be great”. I was convinced it meant “it was stupid”. Like this song. I know the Swiss don’t like to hear it, but this was out of tune the whole way through. You wonder why you didn’t get through? That’s why! And because you stole SABENA from us! You thieves! They also stole Dima Bilan’s 2006 piano and for some reason they’re wearing leather pants. Leather pants are hardly ever a good idea. They’re so earnest, though, and so incredibly dull… ugh. It makes me want to chuck things at the TV. It actually almost –almost!- makes me miss DJ Bobo.
Every year we can rely on one country to send us teenaged slutty girls and this year the honour goes to Czech Republic. “Have some fun” Tereza shrieks, with no consideration for our eardrums or the notes she’s meant to be singing. The camera men are a bit confused because we keep seeing images of midriffs and butts. Or perhaps that was intentional after all. The DJ thinks he’s 50 cent. A version 50 Cent who enjoys standing in front of glittery angel wings then. Some street credibility you’re building up there, Mr DJ, “Yo yo yo, here I am at Eurovision with my hos”.
Belarus is the last European dictatorship, Cornald tells us. It is? I didn’t even know that. The sofa quips “and that’s why the president himself is taking part tonights”. Why else would they have sent this guy, he can’t sing, he doesn’t look particularly great and he does something weird with Christmas tree decorations. “You’re as cold as Arctic Ice” he sings “Thank god for global warming” the Sofa replies.
And here are the Latvian pirates. It’s like a kids’ tv show on speed. The funniest thing is that one of these pirates took part last year with the Italian opera-themed horrible granny song “Questa Notte”. Talk about range and diversity! I wish he’d have done last year’s song in this year’s outfit. That would’ve been great. The pirates look like they’ve all had boob jobs and our Eurovision Virgin wonders “how did they think up this stuff”. Pure genius, I suppose. “I wish they’d take the contest more seriously” the sofa mutters before heaping praise on Tuesday’s Azerbaijani entry. Now that was a quality performance!
Commercial break and I realise that… I can’t vote in this semi. I’d totally forgotten.
Shock! Horror! How will Iceland manage without my undying support and enthousiasm.
I don’t have long to contemplate this because it’s already time for Croatia. “Was that her leg sticking up vertically beside her ear?” I shriek. Yep, that was her leg. Some girls are capable of crazy moves. This song charms me from start to finish. Though I could have done without the ill-advised grandad-rap, and he looks as angry as your regular “get out of my front yard, you hooligans”-old guy in the street. The Sofa is deluded in how this is “in the same line as Ishtar and they won’t get through either”… let it go, sweeties, just let it go.
Wahey! Bulgaria has Denny Crane on guitar and a girl in her Moulin Rouge-underpants. The turntables are on fire and Cornald tells us that both Belgium and the Netherlands (“the godfathers of dance music” he calls us) should send stuff like this. I couldn’t agree more.
Oh Denmark, trying the “decent” card again. And it works! How is that possible? Part of the sofa actually falls for this crap? I’m astounded and disappointed in my friends. “But he’s so enthusiastic” a naïve one proclaims, “come on, it’s not that bad” someone else dares say. Yes it is! Yes it is that bad. It’s boring, “Put on your blue suede shoes” for crying out loud, no one wears blue suede shoes. “Sure they do, Elvis does!” the sofa replies. “Elvis is dead!” I shout. “No he’s not!”. Aaaargh!
Georgia comes on and she’s wearing a bin bag. She’s also clutching a giant crucifix so I’d mock her for her apparent religiosity without a second thought, but *whispers* I don’t dare to make any blind jokes. Ok, just one remark: The sunglasses are dire. You’d think they’d let her wear something with more sparkles, it’s Eurovision after all. The more she keeps singing, the more I really, really don’t care if peace (or piss) does come. According to Cornald the giant white sheet under which she does her clothes change represents world peace. Yes. I knew that.
Hungary has an ugly pianist and an even uglier dress. We start considering the possibility that the Song Contest has one group of four gay backing dancers and every country just uses the same guys. You know, to save some money for when the Big Four give up financing the contest. Or just in the spirit of unity of course.
Oh look there, it’s Ruslana with glitter boots on! Malta is crazy, pretty silly and very er… un-Maltese but Morena knows how to sell a song. The Sofa thinks she already drank a bottle of vodka and the Girlfriend remarks that she fancies Marija Serifovic more than she fancies Morena. I keep wanting to add more kitsch to this performance. I don’t know… photos of Poetin in the background, empty bottles of vodka, Sidney Bristow in her underwear… anything!
Cyprus comes on and The Sofa immediately proves their Eurovision Maturity: there’s a clothes change coming on. She could have been more subtle about it than just putting a silver dressing gown over her dress! The same four backing dancers turn up again, but this time they also sing. I think they should start a band and enter for Switzerland or Austria. If they all have different nationalities, they might be on to a winner!
Oh. Interval time and the green room presenters think they should sing. Whoever gave them that idea? Shut the hell up!
And leather is yet again the theme for FYR Macedonia though for some reason the lead singer is dressed like a 50-year-old. I think she even has a perm. And her gangsta friends are wearing white bermudas and white socks. Why? No, I don’t get it. The Girlfriend is the only one that does and she’s swaying from side to side. I think it might be time for her valium.
Portugal, “You should vote for this because it’s the only song about a fishing boat accident” Schlagerblog remarked. And I’m inclined to agree with them. Yes, her dress is ugly, but her backing singers are dressed in just a sheet (and one of them is verrrrry hot) and the song is filled with pathos and sadness. The wind machine kicks in! There’s a storm at sea! The Sofa isn’t unanimous in their love of this, and they consider the fact that Vania might have just killed her husband herself and uses the fishing boat story as a cover up. Heathens.
Voting time and Lys Assia (winner of the first contest in 1956) is there to open the vote. “What did you think about the contest so far?” she’s asked. She says it’s great. In the mean time you know she’s thinking “It’s a load of crap. Back in my day, you didn’t have all this nonsense!”
The interval act is the worst I’ve ever seen, it features zombies or something like that… we think the Lithuanian guy just encountered these guys backstage and feasted on their blood. We now also know that’s probably why the Georgian singer was wearing such a big crucifix. Protection!
And the results… oh the results. Who made it?
- In the spirit of classy music: Albania, Croatia and Portugal
- In the spirit of “I’m sure some people like this but it’s really not me”: Turkey, Denmark and… Georgia. Ugh.
- In the spirit of “What the fuck??”: those bloody awful Latvian pirates. (must be the jury vote. I’m sure of it)
- In the spirit of the Ubergaying of Eurovision: Sweden, Ukraine and ICELAND!!! Yay!
(a couple of new photos are up
There we go. The “Te Deum”, though the people humming it are now overgrown with grass. Eak! It’s probably Greece’s tropical garden from Tuesday… That’s what happens when you’re too cheap to get a gardener. What follow is the campest, kitschest spectacle since Tuesday’s Azerbaijani performance: A man with a horse coming out of his arse (with very cheap plastic hind legs), women in dresses that seem to made from that very same Greek tropical garden (Kalomira will be left with just a bald plastic heart on Saturday), a mega orgy with a knee swing (even Serbians miss Kate Ryan) and on come our intrepid presenters. Jovana waves at everyone like she’s the Queen of England (She learnt from the best) and Zeljko just grins. Serbian men, they’re so quiet.
The sofa entertains the possibility that Belgium might take part again, as a surprise. “You guys deserve a second chance”, because surely we do. Or perhaps we can be the interval act. We wouldn’t look out of place in the interval now would we.
Still, we proceed to the first performance and it’s the one I’ve been waiting for. The one I wore my big earrings for (before I immediately took them out again because those bastards hurt like hell), my slutty dress and my home-made Icelandic flag. Climaxing early can be a disappointment, but this one wasn’t. Iceland delivers The Camp in a fabulous way. The sofa grumbles something about “dull soulless dance music” and how his arms are nothing compared to Israel’s. Her arms however, that’s something else, she could probably beat Israel in armwrestling. Or just eat him alive, you don’t mess with her, that’s for sure. By the end of the song –during which I keep jumping up and down hyperactively- everyone agrees that they’re both great singers and deserve a place in the final. Go Iceland! Go Palli!
Now Sweden does disappoint me. Oh, she’s a great singer, sure. Her botoxed and surgeoned face is quite surreal and deserves points in itself. There’s also a glittery dildo to sing in, which is well… intriguing. Charlotte is so thin however that you can hardly see her behind the microphone stand. Eat a cookie, sweetheart, it won’t kill you. And is it just me or does the wind machine not reach its full potential? That’s just not done! Especially since this is Sweden, home of the wind machines!! It’s pretty likely Carola just sabotaged the thing in an effort to keep Charlotte from reaching the final. Between you and me, I think Carola is capable of just about anything. Oh! But there are shiny lasers! Pretty! Beam her up back to her planet, Scotty! It’s still good, but I expected so much more. I want Abba back.
Turkey is a big hit with a lot of people and I just didn’t get it tonight. It’s just boring to me. Gimme back some glamour. There’s not a gay man in sight! This is Eurovision, people, what are you thinking. I get scolded by the sofa for having said in my preview that the lead singer was cute. “He looks like an ugly Sylar” they say “and Steve Buscemi’s playing guitar”. Yeah… I suppose so. Sorry for misleading you, Sofa.
Thankfully the glamour is back with Ukraine: the best example of “coming out of the closet” I’ve ever seen! Obviously a shout out to all the shy gay teenagers watching Eurovision with mum and dad. Obviously. Ani Lorak performs the hell out of this song (take note of that performance, Charlotte). Her backing dancers are more fabulous than those of Sweden and Iceland put together and we start suspecting that no one at Eurovision Headquarters bothered turning off the wind machine between the songs (“they’ll all use it, let’s just leave it on”).I don’t think Shady Lady is anything special on CD, but like many Ukrainian entries, once you see it performed, it’s another matter entirely. The choreographer deserves a medal! And so does Ani. Do that thing again where you crawl on the closet… nice.
I’m turning into Terry Wogan. I can feel it. Someone save me.
Ah, Lithuania can do the trick. How nice of the contest to already give us a toilet break. They must’ve known we’d need one after all the excitement of the first four songs. Jeronimas is “lord of the rings” according to the Girlfriend and that weird pair of trousers does him no good. He does have a plasma TV for a belt buckle, I can imagine that’ll come in handy. The wind machine is still on and the Sofa is convinced that Jeronimas is a creature of the night. “If you don’t vote for me, I ‘ll eat your children”. The Serbians try to intervene with their “dry ice”, we think they’re trying to gas him so he’ll stop singing, but it doesn’t work. Three minutes can last an awfully long time. Glad that’s over.
Cornald tells us Albania is about how sometimes you have to suffer for love. No need to tell us about suffering, we just sat through three minutes of it! She’s wearing a vest that’s too short (“you’ll catch a cold like that”), she’s young and probably a bit scared and the Sofa wonders if she shouldn’t be at school. And what on earth is she singing about. It’s still nice though.
Ah Switzerland. Way to confuse us with a title like “Era Stupendo” which, according to Cornald means “it was/would be great”. I was convinced it meant “it was stupid”. Like this song. I know the Swiss don’t like to hear it, but this was out of tune the whole way through. You wonder why you didn’t get through? That’s why! And because you stole SABENA from us! You thieves! They also stole Dima Bilan’s 2006 piano and for some reason they’re wearing leather pants. Leather pants are hardly ever a good idea. They’re so earnest, though, and so incredibly dull… ugh. It makes me want to chuck things at the TV. It actually almost –almost!- makes me miss DJ Bobo.
Every year we can rely on one country to send us teenaged slutty girls and this year the honour goes to Czech Republic. “Have some fun” Tereza shrieks, with no consideration for our eardrums or the notes she’s meant to be singing. The camera men are a bit confused because we keep seeing images of midriffs and butts. Or perhaps that was intentional after all. The DJ thinks he’s 50 cent. A version 50 Cent who enjoys standing in front of glittery angel wings then. Some street credibility you’re building up there, Mr DJ, “Yo yo yo, here I am at Eurovision with my hos”.
Belarus is the last European dictatorship, Cornald tells us. It is? I didn’t even know that. The sofa quips “and that’s why the president himself is taking part tonights”. Why else would they have sent this guy, he can’t sing, he doesn’t look particularly great and he does something weird with Christmas tree decorations. “You’re as cold as Arctic Ice” he sings “Thank god for global warming” the Sofa replies.
And here are the Latvian pirates. It’s like a kids’ tv show on speed. The funniest thing is that one of these pirates took part last year with the Italian opera-themed horrible granny song “Questa Notte”. Talk about range and diversity! I wish he’d have done last year’s song in this year’s outfit. That would’ve been great. The pirates look like they’ve all had boob jobs and our Eurovision Virgin wonders “how did they think up this stuff”. Pure genius, I suppose. “I wish they’d take the contest more seriously” the sofa mutters before heaping praise on Tuesday’s Azerbaijani entry. Now that was a quality performance!
Commercial break and I realise that… I can’t vote in this semi. I’d totally forgotten.
Shock! Horror! How will Iceland manage without my undying support and enthousiasm.
I don’t have long to contemplate this because it’s already time for Croatia. “Was that her leg sticking up vertically beside her ear?” I shriek. Yep, that was her leg. Some girls are capable of crazy moves. This song charms me from start to finish. Though I could have done without the ill-advised grandad-rap, and he looks as angry as your regular “get out of my front yard, you hooligans”-old guy in the street. The Sofa is deluded in how this is “in the same line as Ishtar and they won’t get through either”… let it go, sweeties, just let it go.
Wahey! Bulgaria has Denny Crane on guitar and a girl in her Moulin Rouge-underpants. The turntables are on fire and Cornald tells us that both Belgium and the Netherlands (“the godfathers of dance music” he calls us) should send stuff like this. I couldn’t agree more.
Oh Denmark, trying the “decent” card again. And it works! How is that possible? Part of the sofa actually falls for this crap? I’m astounded and disappointed in my friends. “But he’s so enthusiastic” a naïve one proclaims, “come on, it’s not that bad” someone else dares say. Yes it is! Yes it is that bad. It’s boring, “Put on your blue suede shoes” for crying out loud, no one wears blue suede shoes. “Sure they do, Elvis does!” the sofa replies. “Elvis is dead!” I shout. “No he’s not!”. Aaaargh!
Georgia comes on and she’s wearing a bin bag. She’s also clutching a giant crucifix so I’d mock her for her apparent religiosity without a second thought, but *whispers* I don’t dare to make any blind jokes. Ok, just one remark: The sunglasses are dire. You’d think they’d let her wear something with more sparkles, it’s Eurovision after all. The more she keeps singing, the more I really, really don’t care if peace (or piss) does come. According to Cornald the giant white sheet under which she does her clothes change represents world peace. Yes. I knew that.
Hungary has an ugly pianist and an even uglier dress. We start considering the possibility that the Song Contest has one group of four gay backing dancers and every country just uses the same guys. You know, to save some money for when the Big Four give up financing the contest. Or just in the spirit of unity of course.
Oh look there, it’s Ruslana with glitter boots on! Malta is crazy, pretty silly and very er… un-Maltese but Morena knows how to sell a song. The Sofa thinks she already drank a bottle of vodka and the Girlfriend remarks that she fancies Marija Serifovic more than she fancies Morena. I keep wanting to add more kitsch to this performance. I don’t know… photos of Poetin in the background, empty bottles of vodka, Sidney Bristow in her underwear… anything!
Cyprus comes on and The Sofa immediately proves their Eurovision Maturity: there’s a clothes change coming on. She could have been more subtle about it than just putting a silver dressing gown over her dress! The same four backing dancers turn up again, but this time they also sing. I think they should start a band and enter for Switzerland or Austria. If they all have different nationalities, they might be on to a winner!
Oh. Interval time and the green room presenters think they should sing. Whoever gave them that idea? Shut the hell up!
And leather is yet again the theme for FYR Macedonia though for some reason the lead singer is dressed like a 50-year-old. I think she even has a perm. And her gangsta friends are wearing white bermudas and white socks. Why? No, I don’t get it. The Girlfriend is the only one that does and she’s swaying from side to side. I think it might be time for her valium.
Portugal, “You should vote for this because it’s the only song about a fishing boat accident” Schlagerblog remarked. And I’m inclined to agree with them. Yes, her dress is ugly, but her backing singers are dressed in just a sheet (and one of them is verrrrry hot) and the song is filled with pathos and sadness. The wind machine kicks in! There’s a storm at sea! The Sofa isn’t unanimous in their love of this, and they consider the fact that Vania might have just killed her husband herself and uses the fishing boat story as a cover up. Heathens.
Voting time and Lys Assia (winner of the first contest in 1956) is there to open the vote. “What did you think about the contest so far?” she’s asked. She says it’s great. In the mean time you know she’s thinking “It’s a load of crap. Back in my day, you didn’t have all this nonsense!”
The interval act is the worst I’ve ever seen, it features zombies or something like that… we think the Lithuanian guy just encountered these guys backstage and feasted on their blood. We now also know that’s probably why the Georgian singer was wearing such a big crucifix. Protection!
And the results… oh the results. Who made it?
- In the spirit of classy music: Albania, Croatia and Portugal
- In the spirit of “I’m sure some people like this but it’s really not me”: Turkey, Denmark and… Georgia. Ugh.
- In the spirit of “What the fuck??”: those bloody awful Latvian pirates. (must be the jury vote. I’m sure of it)
- In the spirit of the Ubergaying of Eurovision: Sweden, Ukraine and ICELAND!!! Yay!
(a couple of new photos are up
Semi 2: first thought on the results
- Iceland: whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! *waves rainbow Icelandic flag*
- Portugal: yessssssss!
- Croatia: tee-hee!
- "Pff" about Denmark.
- Sweden was quite a let-down for me but I'm still glad they made it.
So now all the Scandinavian countries are in the final, that should lessen their chances for a great score. Still, I'm glad they made it.
- Ukraine is one of those songs that don't seem special until you see it performed. These guys have the best choreographers. The best example of "coming out of the closet" I've ever seen. It was brilliant.
- I'm also glad Albania made it. Shame about that horrid outfit.
- Latvia, Turkey and Georgia... urgh. Just urgh.
I'm also secretly thrilled FYR Macedonia didn't make it through. Must be their first time, I think.
Shame about Malta. I didn't like the song all that much, but she performed it well.
And Bulgaria :-(
Still, I'm much more pleased about this semi's result than I was about Tuesday's.
Go Iceland! Go Palli!
(recap will follow some time tomorrow)
- Portugal: yessssssss!
- Croatia: tee-hee!
- "Pff" about Denmark.
- Sweden was quite a let-down for me but I'm still glad they made it.
So now all the Scandinavian countries are in the final, that should lessen their chances for a great score. Still, I'm glad they made it.
- Ukraine is one of those songs that don't seem special until you see it performed. These guys have the best choreographers. The best example of "coming out of the closet" I've ever seen. It was brilliant.
- I'm also glad Albania made it. Shame about that horrid outfit.
- Latvia, Turkey and Georgia... urgh. Just urgh.
I'm also secretly thrilled FYR Macedonia didn't make it through. Must be their first time, I think.
Shame about Malta. I didn't like the song all that much, but she performed it well.
And Bulgaria :-(
Still, I'm much more pleased about this semi's result than I was about Tuesday's.
Go Iceland! Go Palli!
(recap will follow some time tomorrow)
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Eurovision semi-final 1
Eurovision night, highlight of the year. Thanks to the ever-expanding contest, I now have three highlights in my year. Thank you, Europe!
Score sheets needed to be made and printed (and the first thing your guests say is “oh, a slight point of criticism, I’d have liked a second column to make my predictions for the final, as opposed to just checking my own favourites”. Cretins! … of course they’re right and the matter shall be taken care of next time.), you need something funny to put on your walls (a photo of that dress is funny in its own right), flags must be hung up, cats need to be told to behave and –of course- your outfit must be perfect. The Girlfriend went for a classy black/yellow/red ensemble and we tried to recreate that dress with a red skirt and t-shirt and some white tape for me.
I opened the door to our guests, amongst others a Marcel Vanthilt-lookalike, a second Soetkin-from-Isthar-in-that-dress, a Michel-from-Ishtar (with guitar) with their Kolossali Krokodili, and the Games could begin…. (Photos HERE)
Don’t panic, in case you missed it, you can watch it again on the official website.
Bart and André welcome us to Belgrade, to the beautiful arena where … oh, about 10 people appear to be in attendance for this first semi-final. They’re all very enthusiastic and most of them have flags, so that makes up for a lot. An empty arena looks ridiculous on screen, how about charging a little less for those tickets?
André starts off on the right foot with the locals by remarking “that there has been no hostility towards the foreign guests”. What exactly are you implying, honey? That the Serbs are violent? I can only assume he means hostility towards poofters and queens because apparently they’re not too keen on us in good old Serbia. Meanwhile the opening act is well underway and Bart cautiously asks “so is this Balkan culture then?” as we gaze at strange men playing the trumpet, thus paving the way for André to be all Dumbledore-like in his wisdom (and sexuality probably, but that’s another matter here). I love how the roles between the Belgian commentators are always clear: André = genius/master, random other person = moron/slave.
André immediately shows his brilliance by stealing my remark (yes, I was there first, folks), about how Zeljko Joksimovic is the new Johnny Logan. Welcome to my blog, André, I didn’t know you were a fan. (How about getting me press accreditation for Moscow next year?)
On come Zeljko and his Random Female Co-host and The Girlfriend is thrilled to see he’s been taking style tips from Marija Serifovic, seeing as he’s dressed in a suit and white trainers. He learned from the best. Both Zeljko and RFC have sexy Russian accents and we start thinking it might be nice to have a Serbian Eurovision every year.
Finally the show starts and what better country to start with than Montenegro? … Well, in all honesty I can think of about 18 better countries to start with, but I didn’t get a say in the matter. Stefan, what were you thinking wearing an oversized white shirt over ugly leather trousers? Who’s responsible for that haircut? And why are your backings dressed as S&M nightclub girls? The straightboy dancing is still fun but apart from that… urgh. Moving on.
To Israel. André-or-Bart remind us that this entry was written by Dana International. Who knew she could actually *write* music?? I thought she was only good at miming songs! Now Boaz here is an example of a well-dressed man. He has a gym membership and boy, does it show. Just look at those arms. One look at him and the stylist threw everything with sleeves out the window! Boaz also brought five other good-looking men to gaze longingly into the camera. An obvious try for the discerning gay gentleman’s vote (as opposed to the euroqueen and the twink vote) and it works.
Much hilarity on the sofa when the camera pans to the ten people in the audience and some of them are waving Israeli flags … on blow-up hammers. Nice way to promote peace and unity, Israel.
And there’s Carnival entry number one: Estonia. They’ve changed nothing in their act, apart from the fact that two of them are now humping the piano instead of just the one (why? Did the first one get lonely?) and no-one can believe that the songwriters/singers aren’t in fact Paul Whitehouse and co. The sofa shouts “bono estente” and “scorcio” at the tv for the full three minutes of this song. Ellen, who’s never seen this entry before, is amused at first but quickly shuts up when she sees the glares of the rest of the Sofa. Don’t mess with the Sofa. It’s a lesson kids learn from an early age.
Moldova does nothing but make us want to drown ourselves in a pool of our own blood. What a horrible pretentious piece of crap. “Here I am, on Pall Oskar’s sofa (give it back!), clutching my teddy bear, singing to my boyfriend who’s playing the trumpet”. You’d think it’s impossible but this is actually worse than Montenegro. Carola’s wind machine kicks in, which makes this whole thing even more ridiculous seeing as she’s pretending to be in her living room. Perhaps she should close a window.
San Marino gets a mini-soviet-gymnast card with little girls who are doing gymnastics and one girl who carries a drum. “She was probably too fat to be allowed on the team” the Girlfriend cruelly remarks. The postcard is actually the best thing about San Marino’s performance. Who cut your hair, Mister San Marino Rockstar? Are there no combs in San Marino? “If this goes through” our resident butch poof remarks, “there’s something seriously wrong with the world”. For some reason, the ballet teacher of the girls in the postcard starts flapping about on stage, in order to make the whole performance even more mystifying. Right. Glad that’s over.
Time for Belgium. The sofa is uncharacteristically silent, a bit nervous even. And we end up going “yeah, that was alright wasn’t it.” Sure, we could discuss the styling, and yeah, it’s still a silly song, but it made *us* smile for a little while at least. So that’s something, right.
After the song Bart remarks “it’s already time for another country?” Come on, sweetie, this is Eurovision, this show is taking two hours already, time to move on!
And here are my favourite Azerbaijans: Elnur and Samir. And it’s all there: the slutty devilchild, the aerobics-angels, the wings, the throne. Everything! Three minutes of camp, ridiculous, horrible madness. Fan-tas-tic. For some reason the angel looks a whole lot scarier than the devil. Perhaps that’s the intention!! Perhaps Azerbaijan wanted to show the world that appearances can be deceiving, that there’s good and bad in everyone, that even angels have a dark side and devils can look like great camp poofs! Or it’s probably more likely that the stylist said “ooh look, white contacts” and handed them to the angel. In the end the devil is transformed into a gay angel and one of the backing dancers lifts her skirt to show us her string. Seriously. The Sofa erupts in “did we just see what we saw” and we’re pretty sure that those were some bare arsecheeks flashed in front of the whole European audience (and those ten people in the arena).
Slovenia starts out decently enough and I find myself wondering why everyone hates this performance so much. Sure the dancers are wearing S&M style outfits and motorbike helmets, and yes the fact that she’ll be dropping that god-awful silver cape is obvious from the very beginning (why else would anyone wear it), but apart from that I find myself wondering what’s wrong with it. I quickly learn everything is. The song evolves into some kind of Venga Boys fiasco and ditto dance-routine, when she does drop that cape we scream in horror at the neon green skirt she’s wearing, shoe-rollerblades didn’t do anything for Thomas Thordarsson in 2004 so why try now and S&M outfits are pretty boring if no-one starts stripping. You’ve brought male eyecandy to Eurovision, now use it, you stupid girl!
Forget angels and devils as a theme, after Azerbaijan’s preview video everyone ran away in fear. S&M and wind machines are by far this year’s most popular feature. Hurray!
Norway brings us a multitude of blonde goddesses. Now I don’t usually fall for blondes, but I’ll gladly make an exception this time. “Are we sure this isn’t Sweden?” someone on the sofa remarks and we quickly glance on our score sheets. Nope. Norway. “They’ve got the 360° camera shot” The Girlfriend proclaims happily -even though that never brought anyone any luck- and the lyrics are still awful (“Love can be hard sometimes/ Yes, it can catch you off guard like bad crimes”), but they’ve all got great boobs. I hope they make it to the final!
Yes, I can be a straight guy sometimes. Why do you ask?
We move on to the horror that is Poland. This woman is so orange that if they’d used an orange backdrop for this song, the audience would think there was a dress standing on its own on the stage. Her teeth are so white they’re practically neon lights and she’s brought a fake pianist and fake violinists along. Overkill on the cheese here? If anyone could be used as a warning against too much plastic surgery, I think Isis Gee should be the one. Go on, Isis, protect the children, don’t let them make the mistakes you did!
Who ever thought Ireland could be a breath of fresh air in this contest? Certainly not me. Dustin tries his best, but the singing is offkey, the song is actually not that good and while the lyrics are hilarious, half of Europe doesn’t understand them. The chorus is so repetitive I’m starting to suspect they’re trying to hypnotise us (Irelande douze points! Irelande douze points!) Whatever its good sides, the golden rule for gimmick entries is… the song still has to be good. See Verka Serduchka, see Lithuania in 2006. If the song sucks, like this one does, you’re still not getting through.
Andorra begins fantastically off-key and I’m so relieved when I see her outfit. Belgium might not be gettting the Barbara Dex award after all. What the hell is she wearing? And why? Nothing can save this dreadful song, not even singing in two languages. No amount of vote grabbing could ever be enough.
On we go to Bosnia and Herzegovina. This song has grown on me in the past month and this performance was –to me- fantastic. Laka hiding in the wash basket, the knitting brides, the clothesline, her outfit with the apples, however disjointed and weird… it all seemed to make sense. The singing wasn’t great, but for some reason that didn’t matter. Whatever this performance was about, it was freaky but cute, and we kept watching with a smile on our faces. Love it, love it, love it.
Armenia sent a decent pop-slutty song but what’s with the bad singing? Sirusho traded her gym clothes for an ugly short dress and one of her dancers keeps peaking under it, but despite that (yep, that was a plus side) this is hugely disappointing. The poor girl can’t hold a tune and she looks overwhelmed.
No, then The Netherlands are a lot better. Even though I have to dislike the Dutch (being Belgian, there’s no other option really) I must admit that Hind sings good but her styling is way off. An ugly dress with a high split and thigh-length boots (why the split then?) and dancers wearing too many clothes (again, if you bring eyecandy, show it off) who start doing their gym routine in the middle of the song. No, no, no! The Sofa is overjoyed to see Hind recycled Kate Ryan’s neon microphone stands, though given Kate’s result in 2006 we don’t think this bodes well for her. A discussion starts on the sofa on whether this is “good enough” or “ just plain kebab shop music” and before we can reach a consensus, the song is over. Ah well.
With Finland we immediately discover that, yes, even rockers use botox. And quite a lot of it apparently. The shoddy camerawork shows us a decapitated man, though they could just have attempted to zoom in on his hairless torso (and they say there are no gay men in Serbia… tsk). Imagine the styling discussions this band must have gone through. “You can go bare-chested, you keep your shirt on, and for the two of you we’ll design a shirt that gives the illusion of pecs where there are none in sight, ok?”. Apparently, these rockers also trim the hair under their armpits. Which is a plus. And long live Carola’s wind machine! Yes, victory is all in the details, sweeties.
Urgh. Romania next. Scientific research (my own) has now proven it is impossible to die of boredom in three minutes. If it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here. Romania brought us three minutes of Italian drivel. The only thing that made it entertaining was the obvious hatred between Vlad and Nico. She keeps touching him, pretending to want to be near him and all the time you see the panic in his eyes. Poor Vlad.
After that song I’m almost glad to see it’s time for Russia. Almost, yes. I never like the favourites and it looks as ifDiva Dima Bilan’s ego now needs its own dressing room. Dima stares longingly into the camera, thrashes about on the floor (I hope they cleaned it, the boy’s in white), implores us to hear his plea and despite his wealth and superstar status he apparently can’t afford shoes. Times are tough in Russia, I know, apparently even for Diva Dima Bilan. The Sofa starts a discussion about whether or not he’s well endowed. We decide he’s not. This gives us a little satisfaction and we now feel strong enough to go on with the rest of this …thing. Plushenko skates (well obviously he skates, to have him juggling would have been a bit ridiculous) on a mini mini skating rink and at the end Diva Dima rips open his shirt to reveal his hairless torso. We all have a good look, but opinions are divided. Oh. There’s also a violinist, for no apparent reason. This’ll probably win the whole damned contest. Ah well.
And then Greece to end with. They send an American/Greek Britney Spears-before-she-went-crazy clone who’s awfully nasal and disgustingly cheerful. These are dire times, girl, has no one briefed you? There are wars, floods, earthquakes and hunger. Quit being so damned cheerful, it gets on my nerves! Go to your room and be emo and depressed. Greece has brought along a tropical garden (in plastic) shaped in the form of a heart. This prop -which is hardly used- is the reason why the EBU had to put an unnecessary ridiculous commercial break between Russia and Greece. Anything for glamour. There are costume changes, a lesson in anatomy where the BritneyClone points to various erogenous zones (her mother will blush when she sees that) and they probably dusted off Carola’s wind machine as well.
So much for the first semi.
Finding ten songs the Sofa felt were good enough to go through was an impossible task. The songs were generally so bad most of us didn’t make it to 7. Still, the results are quite… well, mixed.
The finalists are:
- Israel (woohoo!)
- Azerbaijan (yessss!)
- Norway (ok)
- Poland (WTF??)
- Bosnia & Herzegovina (yay!)
- Armenia (Like I said, they could send a farting sheep and still get through. But this time it’s not deserved)
- Finland (hehe)
- Romania (blurgh, but I can see there’s a granny market for it)
- Russia (urgh)
- And….. not Belgium.
No.
- Greece (urgh)
As someone on the radio said this morning “at least we made it to the semi final, something that’s unthinkable in football”.
Right. For Thursday I’ll be Icelandic.
Score sheets needed to be made and printed (and the first thing your guests say is “oh, a slight point of criticism, I’d have liked a second column to make my predictions for the final, as opposed to just checking my own favourites”. Cretins! … of course they’re right and the matter shall be taken care of next time.), you need something funny to put on your walls (a photo of that dress is funny in its own right), flags must be hung up, cats need to be told to behave and –of course- your outfit must be perfect. The Girlfriend went for a classy black/yellow/red ensemble and we tried to recreate that dress with a red skirt and t-shirt and some white tape for me.
I opened the door to our guests, amongst others a Marcel Vanthilt-lookalike, a second Soetkin-from-Isthar-in-that-dress, a Michel-from-Ishtar (with guitar) with their Kolossali Krokodili, and the Games could begin…. (Photos HERE)
Don’t panic, in case you missed it, you can watch it again on the official website.
Bart and André welcome us to Belgrade, to the beautiful arena where … oh, about 10 people appear to be in attendance for this first semi-final. They’re all very enthusiastic and most of them have flags, so that makes up for a lot. An empty arena looks ridiculous on screen, how about charging a little less for those tickets?
André starts off on the right foot with the locals by remarking “that there has been no hostility towards the foreign guests”. What exactly are you implying, honey? That the Serbs are violent? I can only assume he means hostility towards poofters and queens because apparently they’re not too keen on us in good old Serbia. Meanwhile the opening act is well underway and Bart cautiously asks “so is this Balkan culture then?” as we gaze at strange men playing the trumpet, thus paving the way for André to be all Dumbledore-like in his wisdom (and sexuality probably, but that’s another matter here). I love how the roles between the Belgian commentators are always clear: André = genius/master, random other person = moron/slave.
André immediately shows his brilliance by stealing my remark (yes, I was there first, folks), about how Zeljko Joksimovic is the new Johnny Logan. Welcome to my blog, André, I didn’t know you were a fan. (How about getting me press accreditation for Moscow next year?)
On come Zeljko and his Random Female Co-host and The Girlfriend is thrilled to see he’s been taking style tips from Marija Serifovic, seeing as he’s dressed in a suit and white trainers. He learned from the best. Both Zeljko and RFC have sexy Russian accents and we start thinking it might be nice to have a Serbian Eurovision every year.
Finally the show starts and what better country to start with than Montenegro? … Well, in all honesty I can think of about 18 better countries to start with, but I didn’t get a say in the matter. Stefan, what were you thinking wearing an oversized white shirt over ugly leather trousers? Who’s responsible for that haircut? And why are your backings dressed as S&M nightclub girls? The straightboy dancing is still fun but apart from that… urgh. Moving on.
To Israel. André-or-Bart remind us that this entry was written by Dana International. Who knew she could actually *write* music?? I thought she was only good at miming songs! Now Boaz here is an example of a well-dressed man. He has a gym membership and boy, does it show. Just look at those arms. One look at him and the stylist threw everything with sleeves out the window! Boaz also brought five other good-looking men to gaze longingly into the camera. An obvious try for the discerning gay gentleman’s vote (as opposed to the euroqueen and the twink vote) and it works.
Much hilarity on the sofa when the camera pans to the ten people in the audience and some of them are waving Israeli flags … on blow-up hammers. Nice way to promote peace and unity, Israel.
And there’s Carnival entry number one: Estonia. They’ve changed nothing in their act, apart from the fact that two of them are now humping the piano instead of just the one (why? Did the first one get lonely?) and no-one can believe that the songwriters/singers aren’t in fact Paul Whitehouse and co. The sofa shouts “bono estente” and “scorcio” at the tv for the full three minutes of this song. Ellen, who’s never seen this entry before, is amused at first but quickly shuts up when she sees the glares of the rest of the Sofa. Don’t mess with the Sofa. It’s a lesson kids learn from an early age.
Moldova does nothing but make us want to drown ourselves in a pool of our own blood. What a horrible pretentious piece of crap. “Here I am, on Pall Oskar’s sofa (give it back!), clutching my teddy bear, singing to my boyfriend who’s playing the trumpet”. You’d think it’s impossible but this is actually worse than Montenegro. Carola’s wind machine kicks in, which makes this whole thing even more ridiculous seeing as she’s pretending to be in her living room. Perhaps she should close a window.
San Marino gets a mini-soviet-gymnast card with little girls who are doing gymnastics and one girl who carries a drum. “She was probably too fat to be allowed on the team” the Girlfriend cruelly remarks. The postcard is actually the best thing about San Marino’s performance. Who cut your hair, Mister San Marino Rockstar? Are there no combs in San Marino? “If this goes through” our resident butch poof remarks, “there’s something seriously wrong with the world”. For some reason, the ballet teacher of the girls in the postcard starts flapping about on stage, in order to make the whole performance even more mystifying. Right. Glad that’s over.
Time for Belgium. The sofa is uncharacteristically silent, a bit nervous even. And we end up going “yeah, that was alright wasn’t it.” Sure, we could discuss the styling, and yeah, it’s still a silly song, but it made *us* smile for a little while at least. So that’s something, right.
After the song Bart remarks “it’s already time for another country?” Come on, sweetie, this is Eurovision, this show is taking two hours already, time to move on!
And here are my favourite Azerbaijans: Elnur and Samir. And it’s all there: the slutty devilchild, the aerobics-angels, the wings, the throne. Everything! Three minutes of camp, ridiculous, horrible madness. Fan-tas-tic. For some reason the angel looks a whole lot scarier than the devil. Perhaps that’s the intention!! Perhaps Azerbaijan wanted to show the world that appearances can be deceiving, that there’s good and bad in everyone, that even angels have a dark side and devils can look like great camp poofs! Or it’s probably more likely that the stylist said “ooh look, white contacts” and handed them to the angel. In the end the devil is transformed into a gay angel and one of the backing dancers lifts her skirt to show us her string. Seriously. The Sofa erupts in “did we just see what we saw” and we’re pretty sure that those were some bare arsecheeks flashed in front of the whole European audience (and those ten people in the arena).
Slovenia starts out decently enough and I find myself wondering why everyone hates this performance so much. Sure the dancers are wearing S&M style outfits and motorbike helmets, and yes the fact that she’ll be dropping that god-awful silver cape is obvious from the very beginning (why else would anyone wear it), but apart from that I find myself wondering what’s wrong with it. I quickly learn everything is. The song evolves into some kind of Venga Boys fiasco and ditto dance-routine, when she does drop that cape we scream in horror at the neon green skirt she’s wearing, shoe-rollerblades didn’t do anything for Thomas Thordarsson in 2004 so why try now and S&M outfits are pretty boring if no-one starts stripping. You’ve brought male eyecandy to Eurovision, now use it, you stupid girl!
Forget angels and devils as a theme, after Azerbaijan’s preview video everyone ran away in fear. S&M and wind machines are by far this year’s most popular feature. Hurray!
Norway brings us a multitude of blonde goddesses. Now I don’t usually fall for blondes, but I’ll gladly make an exception this time. “Are we sure this isn’t Sweden?” someone on the sofa remarks and we quickly glance on our score sheets. Nope. Norway. “They’ve got the 360° camera shot” The Girlfriend proclaims happily -even though that never brought anyone any luck- and the lyrics are still awful (“Love can be hard sometimes/ Yes, it can catch you off guard like bad crimes”), but they’ve all got great boobs. I hope they make it to the final!
Yes, I can be a straight guy sometimes. Why do you ask?
We move on to the horror that is Poland. This woman is so orange that if they’d used an orange backdrop for this song, the audience would think there was a dress standing on its own on the stage. Her teeth are so white they’re practically neon lights and she’s brought a fake pianist and fake violinists along. Overkill on the cheese here? If anyone could be used as a warning against too much plastic surgery, I think Isis Gee should be the one. Go on, Isis, protect the children, don’t let them make the mistakes you did!
Who ever thought Ireland could be a breath of fresh air in this contest? Certainly not me. Dustin tries his best, but the singing is offkey, the song is actually not that good and while the lyrics are hilarious, half of Europe doesn’t understand them. The chorus is so repetitive I’m starting to suspect they’re trying to hypnotise us (Irelande douze points! Irelande douze points!) Whatever its good sides, the golden rule for gimmick entries is… the song still has to be good. See Verka Serduchka, see Lithuania in 2006. If the song sucks, like this one does, you’re still not getting through.
Andorra begins fantastically off-key and I’m so relieved when I see her outfit. Belgium might not be gettting the Barbara Dex award after all. What the hell is she wearing? And why? Nothing can save this dreadful song, not even singing in two languages. No amount of vote grabbing could ever be enough.
On we go to Bosnia and Herzegovina. This song has grown on me in the past month and this performance was –to me- fantastic. Laka hiding in the wash basket, the knitting brides, the clothesline, her outfit with the apples, however disjointed and weird… it all seemed to make sense. The singing wasn’t great, but for some reason that didn’t matter. Whatever this performance was about, it was freaky but cute, and we kept watching with a smile on our faces. Love it, love it, love it.
Armenia sent a decent pop-slutty song but what’s with the bad singing? Sirusho traded her gym clothes for an ugly short dress and one of her dancers keeps peaking under it, but despite that (yep, that was a plus side) this is hugely disappointing. The poor girl can’t hold a tune and she looks overwhelmed.
No, then The Netherlands are a lot better. Even though I have to dislike the Dutch (being Belgian, there’s no other option really) I must admit that Hind sings good but her styling is way off. An ugly dress with a high split and thigh-length boots (why the split then?) and dancers wearing too many clothes (again, if you bring eyecandy, show it off) who start doing their gym routine in the middle of the song. No, no, no! The Sofa is overjoyed to see Hind recycled Kate Ryan’s neon microphone stands, though given Kate’s result in 2006 we don’t think this bodes well for her. A discussion starts on the sofa on whether this is “good enough” or “ just plain kebab shop music” and before we can reach a consensus, the song is over. Ah well.
With Finland we immediately discover that, yes, even rockers use botox. And quite a lot of it apparently. The shoddy camerawork shows us a decapitated man, though they could just have attempted to zoom in on his hairless torso (and they say there are no gay men in Serbia… tsk). Imagine the styling discussions this band must have gone through. “You can go bare-chested, you keep your shirt on, and for the two of you we’ll design a shirt that gives the illusion of pecs where there are none in sight, ok?”. Apparently, these rockers also trim the hair under their armpits. Which is a plus. And long live Carola’s wind machine! Yes, victory is all in the details, sweeties.
Urgh. Romania next. Scientific research (my own) has now proven it is impossible to die of boredom in three minutes. If it was, I wouldn’t be sitting here. Romania brought us three minutes of Italian drivel. The only thing that made it entertaining was the obvious hatred between Vlad and Nico. She keeps touching him, pretending to want to be near him and all the time you see the panic in his eyes. Poor Vlad.
After that song I’m almost glad to see it’s time for Russia. Almost, yes. I never like the favourites and it looks as if
And then Greece to end with. They send an American/Greek Britney Spears-before-she-went-crazy clone who’s awfully nasal and disgustingly cheerful. These are dire times, girl, has no one briefed you? There are wars, floods, earthquakes and hunger. Quit being so damned cheerful, it gets on my nerves! Go to your room and be emo and depressed. Greece has brought along a tropical garden (in plastic) shaped in the form of a heart. This prop -which is hardly used- is the reason why the EBU had to put an unnecessary ridiculous commercial break between Russia and Greece. Anything for glamour. There are costume changes, a lesson in anatomy where the BritneyClone points to various erogenous zones (her mother will blush when she sees that) and they probably dusted off Carola’s wind machine as well.
So much for the first semi.
Finding ten songs the Sofa felt were good enough to go through was an impossible task. The songs were generally so bad most of us didn’t make it to 7. Still, the results are quite… well, mixed.
The finalists are:
- Israel (woohoo!)
- Azerbaijan (yessss!)
- Norway (ok)
- Poland (WTF??)
- Bosnia & Herzegovina (yay!)
- Armenia (Like I said, they could send a farting sheep and still get through. But this time it’s not deserved)
- Finland (hehe)
- Romania (blurgh, but I can see there’s a granny market for it)
- Russia (urgh)
- And….. not Belgium.
No.
- Greece (urgh)
As someone on the radio said this morning “at least we made it to the semi final, something that’s unthinkable in football”.
Right. For Thursday I’ll be Icelandic.
What I don't like about Eurovision
I don't like the days after the shows: Today, Friday, Sunday. When your country gets through, everything’s fine and all was fair. When it doesn’t… Oh dear. Everyone has an opinion, even when they haven’t watched the show, and everyone is so quick to place the blame: political voting here, eastbloc there, withdrawal! Withdrawal!... I really hate it.
Yes, there is biased voting. To call it “political” would not be the right term.
But yes, emigrants vote for their country of origin, neighbours vote for each other -because it's what they know- and yeah, horrible songs or bad singing will get through to the final or the top ten based on that. And that's frustrating. I don’t like it either, but still it's only natural. If I were to move to … I don’t know, Serbia, I’d vote for Belgium in Eurovision. Of course I would.
I still feel that a very good song will make it, no matter what. I honestly believe that. But it's also true that countries like Belgium, the Netherlands, the big four, … have to send songs that are a lot better than most other countries to make it through, because there are hardly any neighbours, emigrants or whatever to back them. And I get the frustration in that.
Let’s talk about Andy Abraham for a second. It’s not a bad song, it' s perfectly decent. However, it's destined for the bottom four. It just doesn’t stand out. But if Armenia were to send Andy Abraham, they'd make the top ten easily. What can we do about it? Nothing much I think.
Should this kind of stuff ruin the fun of Eurovision? I hope not. I think we should start caring less about our place in the ranking (a bad Armenian song will finish tenth, a bad Belgian song will finish last. A decent Turkish song will finish fifth, a decent Belgian song will finish fifteenth. The sooner we accept that and learn not to care, the better) and just concentrate on sending a nice song. If it appeals to all of Europe, it’ll win no matter what. If it doesn’t… well, depending on where you’re from you’ll either finish last or finish in the low parts of the first half of the scoreboard. Who cares. It’s just a silly –fantastic, fabulous, amazing- song contest, after all.
Yes, there is biased voting. To call it “political” would not be the right term.
But yes, emigrants vote for their country of origin, neighbours vote for each other -because it's what they know- and yeah, horrible songs or bad singing will get through to the final or the top ten based on that. And that's frustrating. I don’t like it either, but still it's only natural. If I were to move to … I don’t know, Serbia, I’d vote for Belgium in Eurovision. Of course I would.
I still feel that a very good song will make it, no matter what. I honestly believe that. But it's also true that countries like Belgium, the Netherlands, the big four, … have to send songs that are a lot better than most other countries to make it through, because there are hardly any neighbours, emigrants or whatever to back them. And I get the frustration in that.
Let’s talk about Andy Abraham for a second. It’s not a bad song, it' s perfectly decent. However, it's destined for the bottom four. It just doesn’t stand out. But if Armenia were to send Andy Abraham, they'd make the top ten easily. What can we do about it? Nothing much I think.
Should this kind of stuff ruin the fun of Eurovision? I hope not. I think we should start caring less about our place in the ranking (a bad Armenian song will finish tenth, a bad Belgian song will finish last. A decent Turkish song will finish fifth, a decent Belgian song will finish fifteenth. The sooner we accept that and learn not to care, the better) and just concentrate on sending a nice song. If it appeals to all of Europe, it’ll win no matter what. If it doesn’t… well, depending on where you’re from you’ll either finish last or finish in the low parts of the first half of the scoreboard. Who cares. It’s just a silly –fantastic, fabulous, amazing- song contest, after all.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Le Grand Soir
Tonight's the night for Ishtar. If I can believe the blogs, it could go either way. Some say they're annoying but will get through, others say they're annoying and we'll disappear into nothingness. Whatever the result -though I'm secretly hoping for a place in the final of course- I'm trying to make myself an Ishtar-worthy dress for tonight. Unfortunately I don't have a circus tent or a red table cloth lying about, but I'll have to make do with what I *do* have.
The cats are already getting on my nerves, which is a sign that I'm feeling stressful, but so far I think I've got everything under control.
A little.
The score sheets are printed, so are most messages for on the walls, I need to find a frame for my Ishtar photo (we need all the prayers we can get really), my outfit needs thinking about, I need to shave the cats so they stop shedding hair all over the place and I need to calm down.
Then everything will be ok.
The cats are already getting on my nerves, which is a sign that I'm feeling stressful, but so far I think I've got everything under control.
A little.
The score sheets are printed, so are most messages for on the walls, I need to find a frame for my Ishtar photo (we need all the prayers we can get really), my outfit needs thinking about, I need to shave the cats so they stop shedding hair all over the place and I need to calm down.
Then everything will be ok.
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