The final! (just don't mention the war)

In recent years the big four tend to be the “bottom four”. Do they not make enough of an effort, are they not considered cool and hip, or.... as Terry Wogan seems to think, does Europe hate them and their alliance with the US? Hm, I hardly think someone in Hungary will say “ooh I loved that song from the UK, but since they’re at war in Iraq I refuse to vote for them. I know, I’ll vote for Albania instead”.
For me the Big Four generally don’t make enough of an effort, they send music that doesn’t appeal to the Eurovision audience and they tend to exaggerate. Spain and Germany got decent results in 2004. Even the UK did alright with James Fox in 2005 (in Belgian terms 16th place is nothing to mock). So there.
The Big four (specifically France and the Uk) are used to dominating the contest because they sung in languages a lot of other European countries understood. Since the free language choice they no longer have that edge and it’s taking some time to get used to it.
But still, let’s see what our big financial contributors (thank you for that by the way) are sending this year.

The UK sent some real horrors in recent years. Who could forget their first ever null points in 2003 (and really, get over it, do you know how many times Belgium got null points? And it was more than deserved). Jemini had problems with their earphones (that’s the story anyway). Result: no points. Surprising? No. The song was a decent-enough trashy dance song, but the vocals were horrid. They also tried with Daz Sampson, some kind of rap thing about school (urgh) and last year they sent Scooch: calculated camp, innuendos (four fifths of Europe didn’t get it, but still), flight attendant uniforms, European flags, the lot. I quite liked it, but when you’re on after Verka Serduchka, you really don’t stand a chance.
This year they’re going with Andy Abraham who’s singing Even If. It’s funky, it’s decent, it’s quite catchy, there are actual instruments on stage and Andy shakes his ass like there’s no tomorrow. The UK deserve a good place with this, but this song will probably be too “normal” to stick in the mind. If you’ve got the time (or the inclination) have a look at Michelle Gayle, runner up of the national selection in the UK: she brings a 50s kinda Birdie Dance. Just imagine her backing singers and the turkey from Ireland… what a team.



Speaking of that turkey, I just heard he brought his own wind machine to Eurovision. Eurovision needs more wind machines, it's a fact.



Eurovision is the time where Germany proves that they do have a sense of humour (you heard it here first, folks). Back in 1979 they sent the incredible “Dschinghis Khan” with the song of the same name. A memorable performance. In 1998 they sent the magnificent Guildo Horn and his band “die Orthopädischen Strümpfe” (the orthopaedic stockings) with “Guildo hat euch lieb” (Guildo loves you), a man for whom the stage was one big jungle gym. Then there was Stefan Raab in 2000 with Wadde Hadde Dudde Da. And Lou who sang “let’s get happy and let’s be gay” in a very heavy German accent in 2003 and came 11th. (She claimed “let’s be gay” was not an intentional attempt to grab the gay vote. Right. Sure.) Unfortunately Germany seems a bit devoid of fun this year. With No Angels and the song Disappear they’re sending a completely unmemorable thing. We’ve got Big Hair Angel, Shabby Angel, Barbie Angel and Posh Angel trying to be sexy and making an attempt at flag-waving with parts of their outfit. They get points for that, but I fear it’s going to be Bottom Four for this one. One of the comments on Youtube was quite fitting: “with a song like this we’ll only get points from Austria and Switzerland”.
Oh, you bloc-voters, you.



Wah! Look at that, Jesus is taking part in Eurovision!! Quick, check his hands and feet for stigmata, to see if he’s the real deal. La douce France is entering Eurovision with a bit of a riot on their hands. Sebastien Tellier's song (Divine) is… not in French. Probably the first year ever that a Eurovision song for France is not in French . France’s entry from last year (Les Fatals Picards ) could hardly be considered completely French either, but they sang in a kind of Franglais (“je cours, je cours, I’ve lost l’amour et without you, seul à Paris…”) and wore pink ties designed by Gaultier, so at least that was something . Those poor French! This year, half the contest starts singing in a foreign language but instead of French, they’re all picking Italian, and then their own representative claims he can’t sing about love in French, so he has to choose English. Apparently though, he has given in to the frazzled nerves of the French nation and agreed to sing parts of it in French. We’ll see. A friend of mine came up with the idea to have the English lyrics simultaneously translated on the backdrop during his performance. The French politicians will be happy and the rest of Europe gets a free French lesson, thus promoting the French language yet again. Not that the lyrics make much sense, but hey. You can’t have everything.
This song is unlike any other song in Eurovision, it' s some kind of electro-y, disco-y, retro-y... er... listen, I don't know what it is, let's just say it's something good, I do love it, but –alas- I doubt it’ll do much of anything vote-wise.



Spain has always guaranteed an er… typically Spanish song. Sung in Spanish (quite like the French), sometimes up-tempo, a little old-fashioned. You name it. There was Mocedades in 1973 (Eres Tu –2nd place), Azucar Moreno in 1990 (Bandido – 5th place), Annabel Conde (Vuelve Conmigo – 2nd place) in 1995 and the gorgeous Beth in 2003 (Dime - 8th place). This year they’re sending Elvis. Rodolfo Chikilicuatre has an insane DIY dance routine called Baila el chiki chiki (“dance the chiki chiki” - kinda like the Macarena, but better). In case you’re wondering what he’s on about, there’s a translation and most of it is made clear by the fantastic dance routine.
For the first time (in ages? or ever?) Spain sends an intentional joke act, as opposed to an unintentional one (Las Ketchup, anyone?), obviously I’m a big fan and this should definitely keep Spain out of the bottom four.



Serbia qualified for the final by winning last year. No, I won’t plug Marija Serifovic again, but she deserved to win. And this year, they might just win the whole damn thing again. Jelena Tomasevic sings Oro, yet another folky ballad from Serbia. And, obviously, I really like this one. Zeljko Joksimovic, the writer of Oro, took part once in Eurovision (runner up in 2004 with Lane Moje), he wrote the Bosnian entry in 2006 (third place for Hari Mata Hari) and this year he’s one of the presenters of the show. In short, he’s the new Johnny Logan, a contemporary Mr Eurovision. Oro is in the same style as his previous Eurovision entries, but since I liked all of those, I don’t mind. I looked for a translation of the lyrics to find out what she’s singing about, but the lyrics might as well still be in Serbian… : “My wheat, do not sleep, kiss him, put me to sleep/ Do not break my ice, it lacks water/ Do not put salt on my wound, there are no tears” Erm. Yes. Well, whatever the lyrics, it’s obvious that once again this is Tragedy with a capital T. And what better way to end this godforsaken Eurovision preview?